A/N: I’m supposed to be working on a 1500 word paper for my Ethics class on Asian Americans according to the US Census Bureau, so, of course, I’m procrastinating. As I told the Pup, I’d rather be writing smut. He had a challenge, I had a burning desire to avoid homework. There was just one thing to do.

Title: Monkey See, Monkey Hide
Author: Slinkypsychokit
Rated: R for language, some nudity, hints of bloodplay and kink.
Pairings: B/S, A/X, Spike/Xander friendship.
Genre: Comedy, fluff and romance.
Word count: 1873
Thank you to the amazing beta dragon, Tam for the ultra fast beta!

Monkey See, Monkey Hide

Buffy skin. Skin of Buffy. Gorgeous, luscious, golden, silky skin lacking the tan lines normally present when one wore a bathing suit while lying beneath the warming rays of that great fiery ball in the sky. He wondered briefly if she had been secretly going to Sunnydale’s one and only tanning salon since the night he and the others had rescued the Slayer from the clutches of Glory’s hell dimension.

Elation filled Xander Harris’ heart- his mind latching on to something, anything, to steer his already sex-addled brain away from inappropriate thoughts involving one of his best friends- once again as he remembered the tearfully joyous reunion that took place the moment the golden-haired warrior stepped through the dimensional gateway they had created.

“Mmmm…,” the Slayer purred as her blouse finally managed to slip over her bare, nubile breasts and settle in place even as she stretched her arms languidly over her head. Xander swallowed convulsively as he really did try and direct his eyes somewhere in the general vicinity of not at Buffy. It worked for a mere fraction of a second, his gaze once more snapping to the ethereal creature as she slinked toward him across the candle-lit confines of Spike’s newly-acquired home. The tiny blonde smiled like a canary-stuffed cat still sporting a stray feather here and there.

Even knowing what his one-time crush had been doing and with whom she had been doing it, the carpenter felt his cock twitch and strain against baggy jeans that were becoming uncomfortably tight. Panic sliced through his entire body as the object of more than one high school fantasy drew ever closer. Mere steps separating them, she purred deliciously, “Whoa, Mama! Now, THAT was fan-fucking-tastic sex!”

Xander’s panic notched higher as the sound of her voice and the sight of her lips as they seemingly caressed the dirty language as they left her mouth shot straight to his dick. Oh, god, if Anya knew what he was thinking and feeling right now, she’d go all demon-girl on his ass. Anya! Yes, Harris, think about your fiancée and the serious hurt she’d put on you for even noticing another girl.

The dark-haired Scooby felt his heart stop and thought he would swallow his tongue as time seemed to slow to a crawl. He felt trapped, helpless, as one dainty, deceptively tiny hand reached out to caress his arm as Buffy passed him on her way out the door. The quiet click signaling her departure coincided with the rush of air whooshing back into burning, oxygen-deprived lungs. The silence was deafening in her absence, and Xander took a moment to regain his bearings.

“Oh, God, is the crazy bitch gone?” A thickly-accented voice called from the direction of Spike’s bedroom. There was an odd quality to the vampire’s voice and Xander frowned in puzzlement for a moment.

“Yeah,” was all he said as he made himself at home in the undead Brit’s kitchen; the strange encounter with Randy Sex Kitten Buffy driving him to seek out anything of an alcoholic nature. As he knew it would be, Xander found the contents of Spike’s freezer to include several bottles of hard liquor. Without pause, he grasped a half-empty bottle of whiskey, unscrewed the cap, and gulped down a healthy dose before closing the ice box.

The unmistakable metallic rattle of chains sounded across the apartment, followed by the disembodied voice of his former pain in the ass. “If you’re going to drink a man’s booze, Whelp, least you can do is unchain him first.”

Sighing heavily, whiskey bottle still in hand, Xander clomped across the room to the bedroom door. One look at the trussed-up vamp and Xander didn’t know whether to laugh or offer his sympathies to the other male. In the dim glow of guttering candles, the brunette could see the look of fear and misery the normally cocky vampire tried to hide. Unbidden, Xander’s all-seeing eyes wandered over the dark bruises, scratches and bite marks decorating Spike’s pale limbs and torso, thanking merciful Zeus for the sheet covering the other man’s lower regions. There were just some things Alexander Lavelle Harris did not need to see.

“You going to just stand there staring at me and giving m’ whiskey a good cuddle, or are you gonna bloody well unchain me before the bint gets back?” This time, when he spoke, Spike didn’t even try to hide his fear. “Seventy seven hours of shagging and the bitch only left for food!”

Sympathy won out as the vamp’s words sank in, galvanizing the human to action. Looking around, Xander spotted the key to the handcuffs currently tethering Spike’s wrists to the metal headboard of the bed. With quick, efficient strides, he snatched up the key and freed the other man from his bonds, jumping back quickly as the vampire shot to his feet.


*~*~*~*~*~*

After having spent the past three days getting fucked in every way known to man and several she had only seen in some of Giles’ forbidden books, Buffy found herself ravenous. Her body still thrumming from the endless, mind-blowing, earth-shattering sex, she sauntered from the apartment, leaving her mate in an exhausted heap amongst tangled sheets drenched with sweat and other various fluids. In another lifetime, she may have considered showering off three days of sex, but truth be known, she wanted the demon community to smell her mate all over her. Especially the females. Spike was hers, dammit, and no one was ever gonna lay a finger, claw, or tentacle on him again.

Humming tunelessly to herself, Buffy entered a demon pub about two blocks away from Spike’s –and now hers as well- place, grinning happily when she found Anya seated at a nearby table. The former vengeance demon looked up from her conversation with what appeared to be a Brachen demon, if memory served, and waved briefly before shaking hands with her spikey-faced female companion. The Brachen female gave Buffy a brief glance and a nod before turning and leaving the pub, leaving Buffy to join the forthright ex-demon for food, drink, and much-needed ‘girl-talk’.



*~*~*~*~*~*

Freed from his Slayer-made prison, Spike rescued his swiftly depleting whiskey from the evil clutches of the slightly tipsy human. The boy made an unsteady grab for the bottle, a half-hearted protest slurring from his lips before the man-child returned to his mutterings about evil women with their wicked wiles which must be something taught to them in high school gym class. Not bothering to point out that those self-same feminine wiles were things every female is born with, the vampire rolled his eyes and gulped down more whisky while recalling the past three days.

There’d been no satisfying the Slayer! The bint was utterly insatiable in her pursuit of orgasmic bliss, as Spike’s wrung-out body could attest to. Three days, for bloody hell’s sake! There’d been toys; battery-operated ones, devices of all shapes and sizes. Somewhere, he dimly recalled a feather. There had even been a cock ring snapped around the base of his shaft to prevent his coming as she rode him hell for leather until they’d both passed out.

A shudder worked its way through Spike’s tired, abused body and he whimpered internally as his nether regions twitched in renewed arousal. Lucifer’s balls, he had to get out of here before she came back with her luscious mouth and mind-blowing body; that gorgeous, peach of an ass he’d had the privilege of getting to know intimately.

Startling the boy with a growl of irritation at his too easily-excitable libido, Spike hurriedly dressed without taking the time to shower. He had to get out of here, and now. Grabbing Harris, he dragged the other man from the apartment and headed for the pub down the street. The place was a demon bar. There was no chance the Slayer would ever step foot in the joint.

The two males, who had found a surprising common thread in their shared status as helpless sex monkeys to the women they loved, arrived at McCobb’s Pub and Grill in only a matter of minutes. Spike pushed his companion ahead of him as he stopped for a moment to chat with the human-looking door demon. After a quick exchange, the demon waved them though. That was when it happened.

Xander pulled up short just inside the bar as his dark, panic-stricken eyes fell upon the authoresses of their shared torment. "Oh. Shit."


The self-proclaimed Big Bad echoed his fear-filled epithet as he, too, took in the terrifying sight. There, just fifteen feet away, his golden goddess perched primly upon a stool as she smiled and nodded at something Harris' bird was saying. She threw her head back, shiny, shampoo commercial hair bouncing 'round her shoulders and slithering down her back as her honeyed-voice let loose full-throated laughter.

She stopped laughing abruptly, her nostrils flaring as she scented the air. Spike had but a moment to frantically search for a hiding spot before her bright, hazel-green eyes found his. Then she was on her feet, ninety pounds of prowling tigress stalking her prey. He was trapped, mind furiously contemplating using the whelp as a human shield. Solidarity be damned, this was every vamp for himself.

He had just reached for the other man, intent upon placing the human between himself and the Slayer. Too late, he realized that Harris had become the object of his own stalking predator. And just like Spike, his pseudo-comrade had plotted a similar escape route. In their attempts at throwing each other to the she-wolves who were almost upon them, the two males went down in a comical tangle of limbs.

A moment later, both men looked up in dawning horror as the dainty clearing of feminine throats became the death knell on their freedom. Lustful gazes swept over them and he heard one of them whisper to the other something about baby oil and rubber sheets.

Spike gritted his teeth. "Fuck."

"Us," came the very distinct reply from his own girl's lips while Anya nodded enthusiastically.

Bugger.



The End


Challenge: This challenge for Buffy have been in a hell dimension is crazy happy to be out lol She comes walking out of Spike's crypt putting on her clothes, covered in sweat and stinking of sweat. Sees Xander and say "Woooooah Momma, now that was sex." He goes down to stake Spike for shagging Buffy and the big bad is in tears. He tells Xander, "77 straight hours and she is only leaving to get some food." Must Haves 1. Spike and Xander getting drunk and complaining of just being sex monkeys.