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Insight by cereza
 
Now I'm Alive and Now I'm Not
 
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Disclaimer: Every character that has been taken from BtVS or AtS belongs to Joss Whedon. Every other character belongs to me.

A/N: Once again, thanks to my Beta, Fetching Mad Scientist. Not only is she checking this text, she's also giving me much needed moral support. If there are still any mistakes in this chapter, I'm the one to blame for them.

I'm really sorry it took me so long to update. If anybody's reading that it means you're still with me, which I'm grateful for. You're the ones I write for, aren't you?

One more thing. I'm looking for somebody, who'd like to make a banner for this story. He or she should be good at manips and agree to work in a particular direction, since I have already gathered some materials... Anybody willing to do this, write on my e-mail.

That's all. Enjoy.

***


Los Angeles, 2006


"Yellow, Peaches."

Angel jumped, completely taken by surprise. He felt his annoyance growing. "Spike," he growled, knowing that he’d been startled deliberately. "What can I do to make you leave?"

The younger vampire chuckled and took a seat in front of Angel's desk. "Not much, I suppose," he beamed. "You can try, though."

Angelus, the Scourge of Europe, looked directly at his grandchild, William the Bloody. He sighed wearily, "Let's not prolong this torment. What do you want?"

"Catch up on the old times…? Ask how have you been…?"

Angel just stared.

"Well,” Spike admitted with a shrug, “maybe I would. If I actually cared." His tone became tense, "I have to talk to you."

"Wow, I wouldn't have guessed," Angel said, rolling his eyes.

"As incredible as it may sound – I'm serious here. Dead serious, to be specific."

It sounded incredible. But there was no sign of amusement on Spike's face. Huh.

"On one condition – This time, you'll tell the truth."

Spike made a hurt face. "Me? Lyin'?"

"Cut the crap, Spike. I'm way too old to fall for this. And, I’ve known you way too long. You could have fooled the kids, but I'm not buying a single word of that shit you gave us earlier. So spill, or leave. I'm busy." He and Spike had been playing this game for centuries now, and he was starting to feel tired of their constant bickering.

Spike smirked. "I lied, you say?" he asked with a raised eyebrow, "Enlighten me."

‘He needs proof? Fine.’

"Okay. I don't know if what you said about meeting this slayer girl was true or not, and I don't care." Angel leaned forward, staring intently, "But I can see, what you were trying to do."

"Don't make me wait any longer, Peaches."

"You were doing your best to distract their attention." It was Angel's turn to smirk confidentially. "You didn't want them to ask about this other girl. The one with pink hair."

To his surprise, his grandchild seemed anxious. "It was that obvious?"

"No," Angel sighed. This was no time for jokes. "I'm pretty sure they have no idea what this is all about. Just me."

"And this is just my bloody luck," Spike replied.

They were silent for a moment.

"Carrie… Carrie's special," Spike started slowly, not sure what to say.

"I got that part. Care to be more specific?"

"See, she's got some special abilities, that get her into trouble."

Angel tensed. "How bad?"

"Demon mercenary kind of bad."

"You're planning on being monosyllabic? It really makes the conversation difficult."

"She's a telepath."

"She's a… a what-path?" Angel asked, taken completely by surprise.

"A telepath," Spike rolled his eyes. "A mind-reader."

"I know what a telepath is, Spike," Angel snapped angrily. "But how – "

"No bloody idea," his grandchild sighed wearily. "Met her in New York, all alone. Some nasty buggers on her tail… Had to do somethin' about it. Had to keep her safe."

"Her parents?" The older vampire already knew the answer but –

"Dead. She's got no family, no friends… No one. As much as I hate it," Spike continued, looking away, "I have to be honest with you. Nowadays, telepaths are more rare than anything – I actually haven't managed to find anybody else like her. Guess they bloody don't organize conventions, eh?" He chuckled humorlessly. "Do you have any idea what someone – someone like we used to be – could do, if they got hold of her?"

Angel had but remained quiet.

"Nearly soddin' everythin'," Spike said slowly, accenting every word. "No wonder they're a target for every demon underground community. Check it out in the Internet, mate – they advertise shamelessly. Can you imagine," he went on quietly, "what would they do with her? Bleedin' band of animals… No idea how fragile a girl like she is. How easily she can be broken. Seein' what's goin' on down there – in the real demon world… Forced to do things I don't wanna name… Kept in a cage like a circus monkey… I'm not exaggerating," he snapped angrily, seeing the doubting expression on Angel's face," and I'm not making this up. Believe me, I've got the information from the same sources. Couldn't let it happen to her, Peaches. Just bloody couldn't. But before I go any further I have to tell you one more thing – knowing this… It could kill you."

"So why are you telling me about it?" his grandsire asked, confused. As much as they hated each other, Angel was sure that Spike wouldn’t endanger him or his friends – not after the soul, that's for sure.

"We're already dead, mate," Spike shrugged in response, “You have the right to know who it is you’re takin' in… If you are."

It wasn't a statement. It was a question. William the Bloody was asking for permission to stay?

The world was doomed. Definitely.

But there was only one thing Angel could do.

"Considering the fact that I am – "

"Considerin' the fact that you are," Spike quickly went on, obviously relieved, "I have to ask you one more thing. If I go down – "

"One can only hope," Angel muttered under his breath.

" – Take care of Carrie. I can't find her a normal home, ‘cause she can't be left without someone who’s strong enough to protect her… So I want you look after her."

It was strange. How long had it been? Angel thought about old times, when the younger vampire had worshipped him both as a friend and a master. How his adoration had turned into jealousy, and jealousy into hatred. How they wouldn't have even talked to each other, and how they would have killed the other one if only given a chance. He remembered his own anger, when he had learned about Spike and Buffy, and the blinding envy he had felt after she had told him that Spike had gained his soul by choice. He remembered how they had been getting along during Angel's Wolfram and Hart days. How they fought over everything. And then, with an uncontrollable shudder, he recalled the battle in the dark alleys of LA. And he couldn't deny it anymore. He trusted Spike back then, and that he trusted him now.

Apparently, Spike felt the same way.

And after all, they were family, weren't they?

"All right," Angel simply agreed. He wasn't expecting Spike to thank him. He was right – Spike didn’t say it, but his eyes gave it away. He was really grateful.

"Well, I'll be goin' then. I'm afraid you'll have to fight this blood curdling battle against the unpaid bills on your own."

And here they were back into what was safe. Bickering. And that was all right.

Angel grimaced, "Get the hell out of my sight," he growled.

"With pleasure," Spike responded insolently. "Was planning on going out to see if good ol' LA has changed much anyway."

He was reaching for the door knob, when Angel called him again, "Why me? Why… why not Buffy?"

Spike turned to face him. He looked away, thinking of an answer. "Don't really know, Peaches. Just needed to get Carrie the protection she needs. Couldn't afford dealing with female moodiness, I guess."

It really wasn't a satisfying answer but Angel couldn’t ask any more questions because Spike turned and left the study without another word.

Angel remembered Buffy’s mind reading episode, and the thought that it was a good thing that vampires were impossible to read for telepaths, crossed his mind.

***


"Okay, here we go," Willow said, focused on the data screened on her laptop. "You say her name is –"

"Jennifer… Jennifer Abrams, I suppose," Giles finished. "Well, according to Spike, of course."

Willow sighed, "Giles, stop being so suspicious. He has no reason to lie."

"Yeah, right, Will," Xander snorted, "' ‘Cause he's such a nice and truthful evil vampire – "

"He's not evil anymore," the witch cut in, as she started to search through the Council's database. They were sitting in the room she was sharing with Buffy. At the moment however, her friend was in the Hyperion's basement, training with a group of slayers, so they had the bedroom for themselves. "For God's sake, he's got a soul for years now, and he did save the world! Not to mention the fact that he was working with Angel two years ago – "

"Helping him run the most evil corporation ever?"

Willow still looked unconvinced. "I just don't like that we're checking his story, behind everybody's back."

"No, you've got a problem with checking it behind Buffy's back," Xander pointed out.

"She's too busy to be bothered with such trifles," Giles reasoned, however from the corner of her eye Willow noticed he had taken the glasses off his nose and started polishing them. And that meant he was getting nervous, too.

"And even if she weren't, she wouldn't give a damn," Xander added, shrugging casually. "You saw her today – she didn't look even slightly interested in this whole situation with Spike. Meaning, she doesn't care."

The redhead witch didn't reply, knowing Xander too well to even try convincing him otherwise. As much as she loved Xander, she had to admit that he had never forgiven neither Angel nor Spike the simple fact that they were vampires. And there was nothing she could do to change Xander’s opinion. And there was nothing that would convince him that people seeing those two vampires in a slightly different light weren't either evil themselves or just plain crazy.

Personally, Willow didn't like the idea of searching for proof of Spike's treachery, because she really doubted this little checking thing was anything other than a show of Xander’s mistrust. Although she perfectly understood the origins of Xander's hatred, Giles's reasons were still a bit unclear for her. She knew that he and Wood had once set up a trap of some kind in order to get rid of Spike. She also remembered that Giles had considered him to be an uncertain ally before he got his soul back, and a dangerous distraction for Buffy after he did so. But it was all behind them, so why were they so eager to discredit him?

Willow thought it was just stupid and childish.

Xander's denial however was another story. It was somehow lame that after so many years together, he still knew so little about Buffy. Willow on the other hand had no illusions – Buffy did give a damn. Buffy did care. And right now, Buffy was really lost.

Though she seemed pissed off about Spike not telling her he had come back from the deadest dead, she hadn't been hiding from anyone how grateful she had been for his sacrifice. Yeah, knowing that Angel had been the CEO of Wolfram-and-we're-evil-Hart had made her suspicious and less trustful about her ex-boyfriend’s acts, but still, Willow had never heard her commenting on his collaboration with Spike. She didn't know if that had been because her friend had felt some kind of loyalty to the vampire, or if she was choked with hidden anger and hurt whenever she heard his name.

And the fun just kept coming –

"I've got her!" Willow exclaimed with triumph. Giles and Xander leaned forward to have a better look. "Jennifer Abrams. Status: potential. Watcher: Miles Winston Rutheford. Location: Greenville. Born: 1992. Died – " Her eye grew bigger, as she whispered in utter shock. "Died: 2002 –"

"Killed by the Bringers," Giles continued with amazement. "Surrounded in St. James Park after the death of her Watcher… Look at her status. It states that she’s never become a slayer in the first place. How? How can she be dead if she's here – "

"He brought a zombie with him!"

However shocked and confused themselves, Giles and Willow still stared at Xander as if he announced his engagement with a three-head dragon; or Anya, for that matter.

Willow rolled her eyes and focused on the screen again. "Don’t be ridiculous, Xan. She's not a zombie."

"And how would you know?" the young man challenged.

"Um, hello? I am a witch, a damn good one, in fact. She's got an absolutely normal aura of a teenage girl… Well, a teenage girl with superpowers, but still – "

They remained silent for a moment.

"Is there any possibility there's an error in our database?" Giles finally asked.

"W-well," Willow started uncertainly, "there's always a possibility… Slight, yes… A-and despite the fact I was pretty sure that I updated the data correctly… And put a magical barrier on the system – "

The Watcher sighed. He thanked Willow for her time and headed to the doors.

"Hey, G-man, and where the hell are you going?" Xander called after him.

"To get the answers, of course," the older man replied, not turning around.

"You gonna talk with Spike?"

"I'm going to talk with the girl."

***


Giles knocked. He hoped that Fred (what a strange name for a sweet girl she was) remembered correctly what room she gave to Carrie and Jenna. And that indeed Spike was out, as she had told him.

Doors flew open and Giles faced the petite girl with pink hair. She gave him a knowing look and her eyes narrowed.

"Jenna!" she shouted, not turning around. "Someone wants to see you!"

The Watcher stood motionless and speechless. How did she…? This girl was quite smart.

"I'm in the bathroom!" came the response, "Let this someone in. I'll be out in a minute!"

Carrie stepped away, silently allowing Giles in.

He looked around. The room was a mess, clothes were all around, the bed looked as if a tornado went through it. He spotted some books lying on the floor, along with stakes, several strings of garlic cloves and small bottles of holy water.

Meanwhile, Carrie crossed the room to open the window. Cool, night air was let in, and she sat on a stool, still watching him –

‘Watching the Watcher.’

– Intently.

It was strange and a little embarrassing how uncomfortable this teenage girl made him feel. Thankfully, after a moment, Jenna left the bathroom.

"You were saying there's someone – " she started, but paused, seeing Giles, " – looking for me." Giles got another hostile glare. What had he done to earn such treatment? It seemed he should have left his earlier comments on the girls' unwelcome appearance to himself. He had only one chance to make a good first impression, and, he started to realize, he screwed it up.

"Yes, that would be me," he said politely. "I'm afraid that we didn't get a chance for a proper introduction. Rupert Giles, the head Watcher of the Watchers' Council."

Silence. Angry looks. He started to regret that Spike was not present. He would prefer his annoying presence to facing those two under-age Furies.

"You wanna throw him out of the window?" Carrie asked matter-of-factly, completely ignoring him.

Jenna cocked her head. "Nah," she responded casually, "you'll be grounded for the next century. You heard Spike – no maiming, torturing, killing, singing out loud, dancing naked and talking about Backstreet bloody Boys." She smiled wickedly.

"Well, yeah," Carrie rolled her eyes. "But he didn't say anything about windows."

Giles was not impressed at all. He waited.

"I think I can handle it on my own," Jenna spoke slowly.

Hearing her friend's statement, Carrie jumped off the stool and headed to the door.

"Just remember to get rid of the body when you're finished," she added before leaving them alone. "And don’t stain the carpet. It's not ours."

When the door was shut behind Carrie's back, Jenna crossed her arms and waited for Giles to speak.

"Well?" she asked. He was still thinking of what to say. 'Hello, our data shows you are a little dead' was rather out of question –

And then it struck him. Good Lord, was he really afraid of a teenage slayer? He who had been Buffy's Watcher for seven years? He who dealt with Xander's stupid jokes, with Willow's shyness, Cordelia's insolence and Dawn' whining? Clearly, becoming the head Watcher, and having little contact with slayers had made him forget what teenage angst was, and how to deal with it. Was he really standing like an utter ponce, uncomfortable with a girl scared enough to threaten him with throwing him out a bloody window?

"There's no need to be rude," he reprimanded her as he crossed his arms and straightened slightly. "I don't remember if I actually did anything to deserve such impolite treatment. I still hope ttdespite some misunderstandings, we will be able to have a civil conversation. Since what I have to tell you is rather important."

"Yeah, right," the girl snorted and looked away. "Impolite treatment. Misunderstandings. Civil conversation… So many words and so little to say. You want me to join the rest of the Council's slayers. I don't want to. So I won't. End of the civil conversation."

If Giles weren’t experienced in dealing with girls her age, he would be absolutely stunned and thrown off balance by Jenna's insolence. What was more, at first, he hadn't got the impression she was of an insolent kind. Now, there was so much cockiness in her, that… All right, he was a little surprised by the bitterness of her words. That was unusual for a girl so young.

He didn't realize he had asked the question aloud, "Why?"

Jenna blinked. "Why what?"

"Why you don't want to join the other slayers? After all, you're one of them – you are very alike… You possess the same strength that brings you the same problems. You share the same destiny that may bring you death. Why you don’t want to join them? They are the only ones that will understand you – "

"I'm being understood well enough," the girl cut him off. "I'm not alone, you know."

"Ah, yes. Indeed – you're not," Giles whispered, but there was no comfort, only sarcasm in those words.

Jenna reacted immediately. It was that kind of reaction Giles was counting on.

"Yeah, I'm not," the slayer snapped back angrily. "I've got friends I can trust. I've got a tutor who cares about me. Who watches my back, doesn’t leave me as soon as something bigger than usual shows up! So thank you very much, but I don’t want to have anything in common with your stupid Council – "

"How very mature of you," the Watcher muttered, loud enough for her to hear.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You are a slayer," he replied with force Jenna wasn't suspecting he had. "Chosen to fight the forces of evil. The power you were given makes you responsible for other people."

"Oh, save it! Believe me, I know everything about power and destiny, and evil, and responsibility. I heard the speech from my Watcher many times. The last one was right before he tried to run away from Greenville and leave me for a certain death! So don’t tell me about responsibility, 'cause you have no such right, 'cause you, Watchers, know nothing about responsibilities! All you do is watch," Jenna whispered bitterly and looked away, focusing on some invisible spot behind his back. Giles remained silent and lowered his own gaze. But just a second before he did so, he noticed something shiny on her cheek.

A tear.

"I thought he liked me," Jenna went on quietly, still staring into the empty space. "He was always saying I was like a daughter to him. He was telling me stories about the slayer line. About what it would be like if I became chosen. I was training and learning from him, about vampires and demons… I was trying my best to make him proud of me, you know? I thought he was," she stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath before continuing. "And then one day they came. They were waiting for me outside the school. It wasn't even that late, can you imagine that? I felt someone was following and I started to run… I couldn't head home and endanger my family, besides, they knew nothing about me being a potential. So instead, I went to his place, hoping he'd know what to do. At first, I thought he did. He grabbed a weapon, took my hand and led me out of the house. We started to run, and they were just behind us. We were crossing the St. James's Park, when we ran into another one of them. That was the first time I saw their faces – eyeless and mouthless… He took one of them out, and his leg got hurt and… And the rest of them were still on our heels. So h-he just looked at me again and his eyes were so scary… So…empty. He told me that we wouldn't make it out. Not both of us, and that he had family in England. And that he didn't want to die – " Jenna was choked with tears. "So he hit me in the head and left me lying there, in a pool of my own blood, still concious enough to know what was was going to happen next. I could hear them… I could hear them coming."

Giles took a step in her direction – he acted on impulse, trying to soothe this broken child, who had seen too much in her short life. In response, she backed away, making it clear that she didn't need his pity. She wiped the tears from her freckled face with one swift motion and carried on.

"But then… This girl showed up. S-she was just a bit older than me. She knelt by my side and asked me what had happened, who had done this to me… She had a mobile phone, and called the ambulance. I managed to ask her to move me out of the path. She didn't understand why. She was saying something about shock and not moving hurt people, but I insisted, I was so desperate to hide… So she did it, just before I passed out. And while I was lying in the bushes… While I was lying in the bushes, they came. They took her. I-I don’t know why. Maybe because they were blind. I was out cold. Close to death, and she was alive and warm and moving and maybe it fooled them, maybe… So they killed her. They killed her instead of me."

Jenna closed her eyes and hid her face in her palms. Her arms were trembling and Giles didn't know what to do. He just stood there like a ponce, paralysed by what he had heard.

"Later, they told me that I missed a good fight," she smiled bitterly, still not looking at him. "Police caught those Bringers," it was the first time she’d named them, Giles noticed, “Tried to arrest them. But you know evil guys – not so much with the surrendering – so they shot the bastards. But before they managed to take them out, the Bringers killed my Watcher. He never made it out of St. James's."

"Why didn’t you – " Giles forced himself to speak, but she didn’t let him finish the sentence.

"Why didn’t I what? Report that?" Jenna snorted. "Why do you think? I did something better…I broke into your database and killed myself." She snapped her fingers, "Just like that. You were going to send somebody to check this whole case – to see what happened to me – you had information on some girl killed that day. That still needed to be confirmed. So, I logged in as one of you, and wrote the report myself," she shrugged casually. "Potentials and their Watchers were dying all around the world, and you had a great mess in the system. I’m good with computers. I took advantage."

"And of this nameless girl, too, I presume?"

The slayer gave him a furious glare, "Look, that nameless girl – she was a nameless hero. She did more for me than any of you. But… She. Was. Dead," she accented every word. “She could help me. She did. So now you know the pathetic story of my life. You know what you can do with all your Watchery wisdom…? "

Before she had a chance to finish the sentence, the door slung open and Spike came in. He didn’t look very happy. He gave Giles a warning glance.

"Well, Rupert," he said through gritted teeth. "What a surprise." The vampire looked at Jenna, and spotted her red eyes and wet cheeks. "You all right, pet? That git wasn't mean to you, was he?"

Jenna shook her head. "I'm good. Jeez, can’t you and Carrie even consider the thought of me being all right on my own?" There was a hint of hurt in her voice.

"No," Spike answered without hesitation, which made Jenna smile.

"Thank you, Jenna, for this conversation," Giles managed to say, and he headed to the door, more confused than he was before he walked in.
 
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