Chapter 18 - I Wouldn’t Want to Hurt You


The Watcher’s Journal of Sir Arthur Gosnard-Tisklin.

London, The Watcher’s Council, Thrusk Street, January 31, 1901 - With great trepidation, I presented Lady Vicky to the members of the Senior Council today. Burbin Quentin, the Marquis of Scrapson on Torte, current Head of Council, and Minister of Special Works to Her Majesty, was obsequious and gallant, treating our Slayer to the courtesies and notice appropriate for her rank as an Earl’s daughter. For her part, Lady Vicky appeared charming and at ease and most lovely in a new cranberry felt hat decorated with shiny, paste cherries and waxed holly leaves.

I hoped the Marquis would remind Lady Vicky that her duties required her to eschew the blizzard of invitations she has received and concentrate on ridding London of a nest of vampires that have made themselves comfortable in Kensal Green Cemetery, but he made less mention of the cemetery than of her hat.


***

Spike was dancing with those two hos, Rosamund and Sunday.

Not just dancing, either. They were Dirty-Patrick-Swayze-Rubbing-Body-Parts-Free-For-All-Dancing, with the leg and pelvis humping and writhing and wriggling. Sunday was straddling Spike’s thigh in a way that made Buffy wonder if dancing was the only thing that was going on. Rosamund was getting her fair share of the action, too. She was standing behind Spike and had wrapped one of her legs around his and was stroking her leg up and down Spike’s leg in a very naughty manner. Spike was smiling and laughing and enjoying himself, and dancing in a totally hot way, instead of flapping his hands around in a lame manner and looking like he was having a fang pulled, like any normal man.

This was so not right.

Parker took advantage of her stunned silence to drag her onto the dance floor. He was a really bad dancer, waving his hands around and dragging his feet back and forth and humming off key.

Jerk.

Buffy ignored Parker and pushed her way closer to Spike, who was twirling and dipping Rosamund backward and slashing thin cuts down her neck with his barely visible fangs and licking the blood away.

As Rosamund completed a complicated twirl and reverse, Buffy edged out her pointed black leather high-heeled pump and tripped her. Rosamund fell right on her ass.

“Oh, gosh! I’m so sorry,” Buffy said. “Did I trip you and cause you to fall right on your fat behind? Thank goodness there was plenty of butt cheek to cushion your fall.”

Spike grinned and continued dancing with Sunday, holding her tight in one arm while she jiggled against him.

Grrrr.

“About time you showed up, Slayer,” Spike said. “Have you met Rosamund and Sunday?”

Through the claim, he could sense the delicious green worms of jealously wriggling through Buffy’s brain. She was trying hard to keep the claim closed, but she wasn’t succeeding all that well. He’d had no difficulty tracking her down in spite of her efforts to avoid him and he was going to get even with her for not coming to see him today when he called. She’ll see who’s Master here.

“We’re acquainted,” Buffy said. “I kicked both their asses at the Goth Store the other night while you were shoplifting that Hooked on Porn video. Too bad they couldn’t stick around, while I was looking for my pointy stick.”

Parker danced closer to Buffy and grabbed her waist. What was Buffy talking about? Maybe she wasn’t really funny. Maybe she was a high-functioning schizophrenic, like that psych major, Holden Webster, said. He still wanted to screw her tonight. He could always dump her again tomorrow if she turned out to be a nut case.

“How about introducing me to your friends?” Parker said. He eyed one of the blonde girl’s cleavage. She had really nice tits. So did the other one.

Sunday knew what was going on the moment Buffy showed up. Spike, the idiot, had claimed the Slayer, and Sunday was going to make Buffy regret it. “Spike, you naughty boy. Claiming a Slayer. What will you think of next?” She licked his neck and looked Buffy straight in the eyes.

Rosamund got off the floor, kicked Sunday in the shins and pushed her away from Spike. “Mine,” she snarled, glaring at Buffy and daring her to protect her mate.

This was precisely the wrong thing to say to Buffy. Not only was she fuming with jealousy, but now Rosamund and Sunday had both challenged Buffy over Spike. Anger sparked inside her and flared. Buffy calculated how many times she could punch Rosamund’s rat face, before she had to stake her because hitting her wasn’t fun anymore.

Parker, who couldn’t understand what was happening, other than that Buffy was magnificently pissed off at her husband, took her arm and tried to pull her away. To get her attention, he resumed dancing, pushing her hips closer so he could grind his pelvis into her ass. Oh, yeah. Buffy had a very nice tight ass. It was hard to keep track of what kind of ass belonged to what girl sometimes. “What’s she talking about, Buffy? What’s a Slayer?”

Rosamund and Sunday roared with laughter. They abandoned Spike for the moment so they could dirty dance with each other for Parker’s amusement. Dirty dancing vampire style involved a lot of tongue. Tongues. And mouths. And hands.

“Nothing,” Buffy said. “You wouldn’t understand and get off me.” She elbowed his ribs.

“I’d like to understand. What’s claiming a Slayer?” Parker asked. Wow, those two blonde girls were beyond hot and slutty. Too bad he’d staked out Buffy for the evening, because he’d really like to get it on with those two. Course, since Buffy was in an Open Marriage, maybe they could make a real party tonight. It wasn’t just his hip bone he was rubbing against Buffy now.

Ewww, Parker is totally perving on me. Buffy bucked Parker off and punched Rosamund in the shoulder to get her to remove her hand from Spike’s crotch. “You’re just like your bitch sister, you know that? Neither one of you can keep your hands off my stuff.”

“Maybe we should all sit down and have a drink,” Parker said. Who would have thought that clingy little Buffy had such a temper? Or, such a hottie for a husband? He licked his lips and checked out Spike’s package. He didn’t want it to be known, having a big rep as a ladies’ man, but Parker wouldn’t mind sinking his teeth into Buffy’s mysterious and eye-catching husband’s flesh. The thing to do now was for everybody to calm down so he could negotiate the most awesome multiple hook up of his amorous career. “Everybody should chill. We don’t want to fight.”

“Shut your mouth, Parker.” Buffy said. She pushed him away and shifted into fighting stance, her hands held loose and ready at her sides. Parker was wrong, she pretty much did want a fight, and from the look on Spike’s face, he wouldn’t mind one either.

“Yeah, mate, shut your gob,” Spike said. His eyes sparkled yellow as he allowed his vampire face to shimmer under the surface. “And, keep your dick off my mate’s ass, if you know what’s good for you.”

So much for a ménage a cinq. Looked like this Spike character had an attitude when it came to Buffy, so there was nothing to do but get Buffy to leave before Spike got her all riled up. Parker wanted her mellow, and just a touch insecure. He put his arms around Buffy’s waist and let one of his hands slide up her side to cup the outside of her breast. “You don’t have to put up with an abuser like him, Buffy. Let’s get away from this place. I know a bar near the campus we can go to. Have you ever had a mojito?”

Spike peeled the vampire twins off his body and stepped up to Parker. He spoke in a cheerful and menacing voice. “Get your slimy pickers off my mate before I rip your Adam’s apple out of your throat and check it for worms.”

Parker quivered, but held his ground. Spike was kind of scary with his yellow eyes and those weird lumps on his face and those long teeth. He hadn’t noticed Spike’s teeth before. Buffy wasn’t worth all this trouble, but Parker didn’t want word to get around that he was a coward. A reputation for cowardice would be death to Babe Acquisition. “Finders keepers, mate.” He shoved Spike hard in the chest and was surprised when he didn’t succeed in moving Spike’s body so much as an inch. The guy was a rock. “You should leave now. Buffy wants to be with me tonight, so don’t make a scene. I have a black belt in aikido. I wouldn’t want to hurt you.”

Spike gripped Parker’s elbow with one hand, and twisted his wrist with his other hand, sending searing pain ripping up the large nerve that ran up the middle of Parker’s arm. Spike continued slowly twisting to maximize the pain while Parker buckled to the ground. “Ikkyo, Mr. Black Belt. Like to see if I can rip your arm out of your shoulder while I’m at it?”

“Let me go!” Parker screamed.

Spike grabbed a handful of Parker’s hair and lifted him off the floor. He slammed his fist into Parker’s jaw, broke the bone and sent Parker flying across the room.

“Isn’t that sweet, Sunday,” Rosamund said. “Spike’s protecting the Slayer from the Big Bad Human.”

Buffy punched Rosamund in the mouth, then twirled and punched Sunday in the mouth, too. “Who’s going to protect you from the Big Bad Slayer, Whore?”

“What did you call me, Tramp?” Sunday said, giving Buffy’s shoulder a shove.

“Slut,” Buffy said.

“Skank.”

“Strumpet.”

“Slag.”

“Harlot.”

“Trollop.”

“Wench.”

“Hussy.”

“Tart.”

“Chippy.”

“Floozy.”

“Bitch.”

“Jezebel.”

“Nympho.”

“Ho bag.”

“Doxy.”

“Trull?” Spike said.

Buffy tackled both girls and all three went flying across the floor.

Spike pinched a bottle of beer off the tray of a passing barmaid and leaned against the nearest column to watch. Watching Buffy fight was entertaining when he wasn’t on the receiving end of her fists or her collection of sharp objects.

Before Buffy and the two vampire girls got in more than a few warm-up kicks and punches and hair yanks, an ambulance arrived to retrieve Parker, followed by two officers from the Sunnydale Police Department. Sunnydale’s Finest preferred to take their time responding to brawls at the Bronze in order to give any creepy characters, such as the guy with the white hair, time to leave and for Buffy Summers, a known troublemaker, to clear out as well. Their timing this evening was unfortunate. Summers was thumping a couple of trampy looking girls. The officers concentrated on avoiding the brawl, steering the crowd outside, and getting Parker into an ambulance.

When the cops couldn’t stall confronting Buffy any longer, they headed for the dance floor.

“Time to go, girls,” Spike said. He grabbed one of the twins by the scruff of her neck, held her up to see which twin he’d picked up – Sunday - and tossed her against the nearest wall.

No longer distracted by Sunday, Buffy pinned Rosamund to the floor and punched her in the gut over and over. “Stay. Away. From. My. Mate.” Buffy punctuated each word with a blow.

Rosamund flipped Buffy off and ran for the door, snatching Sunday’s hair to drag her along.

Buffy leaped into the air to tackle the two again, but was caught in mid-leap by Spike. They both went flying to the floor, skidding into some tables and chairs. Spike pushed away the wreckage, got up, flipped his mate over his shoulder and hauled a kicking and punching Buffy out into the alley.

“Let me go, you Big Cheater,” she said. In an instant, she transferred her anger from the Slut Twinks to Spike and popped him in the nose, forgetting in her haste to shut down the claim.

“Owwwww!” she cried, clapping her hand to her nose.

“Bloody hell, Slayer!” Spike dropped Buffy and clapped his hands to his nose, too. “And, who’s a cheater? I was only having a friendly dance with a couple of my old tumbles. Besides, you and me are mated, not shackled together for all eternity. Actually, we are shackled together for all eternity, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have friends.”

“Friends don’t hump each other’s legs. Unless one of their names is Fido.”

Spike pinned her against the wall and sniffed her neck. He could almost taste the blood pumping through her arteries. “Jealous, pet? I like that. Let’s go back to the mansion and have a round of Jealous Angry Payback Sex, hmmm?” He lowered his mouth to hers. He rucked up her skirt, grasped her thighs and lifted her up so she could wrap her legs around him.

Buffy forgot all about staying away from Spike or being mad at Spike and concentrated on digging her nails into the nice hard muscles in his back. She shouldn’t be kissing Spike, but she had to. Why had she stayed away from him all day? She was ready to explode with desire for her mate.

Xander and Anya came out of the Bronze while Buffy was making up her mind and sticking her tongue into Spike’s mouth. Spike, who’d already made up his mind, fumbled with his zipper. Xander whipped out a large, wooden cross and held it out and plucked a stake out of his back pocket.

“Back off, Blood Breath. Buffy, catch!” He tossed Buffy the stake and watched as it traveled a graceful arc in her direction and fell to the pavement when she failed to hold out her hand to catch it.

“Shut up, Xander,” Buffy said. How could she get Xander to leave so she could have sex with Spike? She could punch Xander in the nose, but that would mean unwrapping her legs from Spike’s hips and pulling herself away from that very necessary pressure he was putting on her crotch.

“Yeah, shut up,” Spike said. “Nit.”

“Buffy. Climb down from Spike’s compact, but well-muscled body and step away. I won’t let him hurt you.” Xander held a chunky, wooden cross up to Spike’s face.

Spike hissed and burst out into his vampire face. How dare this little pimple get between him and his mate?

“We’re armed,” Anya said. She held up a chopstick she’d swiped from the bartender. She spun it around her fingers like a mini-baton. “See?”

Spike let Buffy down and stepped between her and Xander. “Think you can take me with that puny stick? Come on, then.”

“Cut it out, Spike,” Buffy said. “Nobody’s going to be doing any taking.”

Spike and Xander ignored her and circled around until Xander tripped on the stake he’d tossed Buffy earlier and landed on his butt.

“You have to stop fighting Spike now, Xander,” Anya said. She helped him up and brushed him off. “You’re going to get hurt. Please don’t hurt Xander, Spike. He’s a weakling.”

“He’s going to be a dead weakling if he keeps messing with me and my woman. And, he doesn’t look all that tasty. I might as well break his neck and be done with it.”

Xander held his cross out at arm’s length. “I am, too. I’m moist and tender.”

“That’s right. He’s moist.” Anya said, nodding her head.

“Right, then. Here goes.” Spike growled and reached out for Xander’s neck.

Buffy closed the claim and swatted Spike on the head. “You can’t drink Xander. He’s my friend.” Although, if Xander didn’t take Anya away soon, she might have to consider knocking her friend on the head.

“Owww, Slayer!”

“That’s right,” Xander said. “I’m Buffy’s friend. Buffy, hold Spike down, while I stake him.” Xander waved his stake in a semi-threatening manner.

Buffy jumped in front of Spike. “No! You can’t. You can’t stake Spike.” No one could stake Spike until she had sex with him.

“Why not? Spike’s a vampire. We stake vampires. Therefore, we stake Spike. Seems logical to me.”

“Actually, Buffy’s right,” Anya said. “You can’t kill Spike, because if you do, you’ll kill Buffy, since they’re mated.”

“I can’t kill Spike?” Xander asked. “Whose dazzling idea was that?”

“Weren’t you listening last night when Giles told you about the claim?" Anya said. "Kill Spike, Kill Buffy – two for one?”

“I’m pretty sure Giles didn’t mention that part. Damn. My day is ruined. No, my entire reason for getting up in the late afternoon to deliver ice cream treats to nasty boys and girls is ruined. I’m never going to get to kill Spike. I have no reason to go on living.”

“Sod off, wanker.” Spike put his arm around Buffy. “Let’s go home, pet. Bed’s waiting.”

Xander’s eyes bulged at the sight of Buffy allowing Dead Boy, Jr. to touch her. “Where are you going? Buffy! You can’t just go off with Spike. You’re supposed to be avoiding him.”

Yes, because avoiding Spike had worked so well. “Yeah. Oh. I only have to avoid him on Friday. Until then, I have to stay with Spike to make sure he doesn’t bite anybody.” Except me.

Xander shook his head as he watched Spike and Buffy walk out of the alley, hand in hand. “This is so wrong.”