Chapter 8: All I Want for Christmas is You

“Willow.”

Willow’s head jerked up from where it was lolling against her chest. “Huh? I’m here.”

Giles took off his glasses and fixed her with a concerned expression. “Willow – and I mean this in the kindest way possible – if you’re not going to be of use, why don’t you go home and get some rest?”

“No, I’m here to help.” To demonstrate this, she picked up her pencil and focused on the notebook in front of her, trying to remember what language she’d been translating from.

“Will, what are you doing?” Xander cried, coming into the shop with Buffy on his heels. “You should be in bed!”

“Did you go to the doctor?” asked Buffy.

“I did! I went, but…” She shrugged sheepishly. “They couldn’t find anything wrong with me.”

“Maybe they weren’t trying hard enough,” Xander said, “because you look like death warmed over.”

“She’s right,” Tara said, coming back to the table with the entire contents of a bookshelf in her arms. “I saw the test results. There’s not a germ in her body.”

Xander and Buffy exchanged puzzled looks. “Huh,” Xander mused. “That’s weird.”

“I’m looking for some kind of mystical thing.” Tara gestured toward the books. “Maybe a side effect of one of the spells she did or something.” She glanced at Willow again, taking in her exhausted state. “I’ll just grab a few books and take her home.”

“Yes, and meanwhile, there’s no one left to work on the pressing matter of translating these texts,” Giles pointed out with some exasperation. “Buffy, have you spoken to Spike yet? I could certainly use his help.”

“Uh, no… not yet,” Buffy mumbled. Must have slipped my mind, she thought bitterly. Somewhere in between the part where he yelled at me and the part where he broke my arm. “I’ll do it tonight, I promise. After I work out a little bit,” she said, disappearing into the training room.

*****

“Hey there, grounded girl.”

Dawn was sitting on the living room sofa, her arms folded across her chest, staring at the blank television. She turned to see Jacob letting himself in the front door and scowled. “Buffy’s not here.”

“I know. She’s at the Magic Box. I came to see you.” He sat down on the sofa next to her and looked at the TV. “I hear it’s more entertaining if you turn it on.”

“Buffy had Tara put a spell on it. I’m not allowed to watch TV or talk on the phone or leave the house, except for school.”

“Well, that’s a bummer.” He dropped the Blockbuster bag on the coffee table. “I had a whole thing planned. Was gonna make popcorn – my special recipe.”

Dawn glowered at him. “Bag. Microwave. Four minutes. You don’t need a recipe.”

Jacob placed a plastic shopping bag down next to the movies. “I’ve got something a little more complicated than that.” He pulled out a bag of chocolate discs. “Ever had chocolate covered popcorn?”

Dawn’s frosty glare melted a little, so he played his ace, drawing something else out of the bag.

“And, oh, what’s this?” He held out what appeared to be a homemade charm. Her curious eyes followed him as he walked over to the TV and laid it down on top. “Just… like…” He hit the power button and the television flickered to life. “Magic.”

He looked over and caught her struggling to keep her lips from turning up into a reluctant smile.

*****

“It’s not going to work this time,” Buffy said without turning around, hitting the punching bag with her good arm. “Just walking in here and acting like nothing happened.”

She’d put it together, how Spike had managed to be so calm after their last fight. Well, unlike him, she couldn’t just fuck all her problems away. “It may have worked last time, but we can’t just pretend like we never said those things –”

“Actually, I came for Dawn,” Spike interrupted. “Today’s our training day.”

“Oh.” Sheepish and surprised at how disappointed she felt, Buffy stopped her lopsided assault and turned around to see him leaning against the door frame. “Well, she’s grounded. You can see her again in two weeks.”

Spike nodded. “How’s the arm?”

“Sore. It’ll be fine in a day or two.”

Shutting the door behind him, he took a few hesitant steps forward, hands shoved in his pockets. “I didn’t do it to hurt you, Buffy.”

“You didn’t break my arm to hurt me?” she responded incredulously.

He shook his head. “Not that. Susan.” He reached out to touch her, but she jerked away angrily. Spike pressed on anyway. “I didn’t even mean for you to find out. It was just… I couldn’t stand watching you with him…”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“I won’t see her again.”

“No!” Buffy protested, giving him a guilty expression. “Don’t – don’t do that on account of me. You were right last night. It’s none of my business who you’re with. And like I said, I… I want you to be happy.” She narrowly managed to avoid choking on the words.

Spike shook his head and sighed. “Buffy,” he said, in a patronizing tone.

“What?”

“Are you daft?” he asked softly, stepping up to her and placing his hands on her shoulders. “Do you really think I could ever love anyone even a fraction of how much I love you? Do you think any other woman could make me happy?”

Buffy closed her eyes. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

Her eyes flickered open again, and her questioning gaze locked onto his. “Why do you keep coming back? You deserve better than this.”

“I don’t want anyone else.”

“But I’m screwed up,” she insisted. “And I don’t know what I want, and I’m just gonna keep hurting you.”

He gave her a half smile. “You’re worth a bit of pain.”

Buffy shook her head. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t love me!” Spike took a step back, startled by her outburst. “I can’t be who you want me to be,” she went on. “I can’t – I can’t give that much. I don’t have it in me anymore.”

“So… what? When Jacob starts asking for too much, you gonna run away from him, too?”

Buffy just stared at him reproachfully, but he knew the answer was yes. She’d done the same to Riley, pushed him away instead of letting herself love him.

“You’re right,” he said. “You are screwed up. And I’ve a good idea who to blame for it. But it’s never going to get any better unless you try. Maybe it won’t be me, but you’ve gotta do it sometime. You can’t just keep pushing people away.”

Buffy was silent, ruminating on his words. She knew he was right, but what he was suggesting felt so overwhelming. It was dangerous and scary, and she didn’t know how to be that vulnerable.

“Come on,” Spike sighed. “Figure you’ll be wanting to hit something now.” He nodded toward her arm. “If you’re feeling up to it, let’s have a go.”

*****

“I really think Johnny Depp is underrated as an actor,” Dawn mused, munching on chocolate-covered popcorn while on the TV screen Sam made dancing feet out of dinner rolls and forks.

“Totally,” Jacob agreed.

“I tried to do that thing once, with the grilled cheese and the iron.”

“How’d that work out?”

“Not so good. I kinda made a cheesy mess on the ironing board and Mom yelled at me.” She dug one hand into the popcorn bowl and shoved several stuck-together pieces in her mouth. “This popcorn is really good.”

Jacob rolled his head along the sofa cushion towards her. “Told you I had a secret recipe.”

She wrinkled her nose. “You’re just trying to get me to like you.”

“Well… yes.” He gave her an expectant look. “Is it working?”

“Bribery will get you everywhere.” Her tone was glib, and she could tell from his expression that he wanted a real answer. “Maybe a little,” she admitted.

He shifted slightly, facing her in order to better facilitate a serious conversation. “I want you to know, I’m not just doing this because of Buffy. I – I want us to be friends, Dawn. Not just putting up with each other because we love the same girl.”

Dawn started to brush him off with an eye-roll, but something caught her attention. “You – you love her?”

Jacob blinked, as though just realizing what he said. “Well… I haven’t told her that yet, but yeah… I do.” He smiled, mostly to himself, but he caught Dawn up in his expression and she returned the smile.

Breaking the eye contact, Dawn ducked her head and began playing with the hem of her shirt. Somewhat against her will, she found herself thinking friendly thoughts towards Jacob. She felt almost as though she was betraying Spike by accepting Jacob into the inner circle. But here he was, being all sweet and friendly to her, and he loved Buffy.

She had absolutely zero relationship experience to speak of – except for a brief interlude in which Danny Nussbaum was her boyfriend, until he threw sand in her eyes and stole her shovel – but she was pretty certain that love meant something special. Love was what made Buffy willing to kill Faith, to save Angel’s life. It made Giles rush headlong into certain death when Angelus killed Miss Calendar. It made Spike willing to be beaten to a bloody pulp and get thrown off a giant tower, because he made a promise.

She was pretty sure there was something disturbing about her that all those examples involved death and pain, but the point was that love meant something important. Maybe more important than her being angry bitter girl.

Of course, this was also Buffy they were talking about.

“You want my advice?” Dawn asked, looking back up at Jacob. “I wouldn’t say anything to her. She’ll probably just freak out.” When Jacob raised an eyebrow, she added, “She’s got issues.”

*****

“Saw Rupert on the way in.” Spike side-stepped Buffy’s kick as they sparred in the training room.

“Oh, yeah.” Buffy dropped to the floor in a gymnast’s tumble, letting the momentum from Spike’s attack carry him right over her head. They both sprang to their feet and turned to face each other. “He kept telling me to ask you to help with something.”

“Yeah,” Spike grunted, batting away her punches with his forearms. “Translation needs work. I can give him a hand.”

Buffy smiled. “Thanks.”

Although he didn’t really have to worry, since she blocked most of his blows, Spike made sure to pull his punches, in order to avoid triggering the chip. Sometimes, Buffy extended the same courtesy to him.

Not today. With a punch-kick combo, Buffy laid him out flat on the ground again, then leapt onto his chest, right hand raised in staking motion. “I win.”

“Not fair,” Spike complained, placing his hands on her hips and sliding her down to his lap. He did it to get her off his chest so he could sit up, but he certainly didn’t mind the feeling it gave him. “I can’t hit you.”

“Think of it as payback for the broken arm,” Buffy said dryly. She stood and extended a hand, which Spike accepted, and she pulled him upright. “One more round. I’ll be gentle.”

“Like hell, you will.” Spike braced himself for her attack. Punch, block, jab, kick, spin… He’d been fighting her for so long, he knew the moves like they’d been choreographed for them. He never got tired of watching her fight – she could be beating his brains out and he’d still be marveling at her beauty.

He paused on that thought – possibly the reason he’d never killed her when he had the chance. He liked to think he was still around for much the same reason.

She caught him off guard with a box to the ear that would’ve made his mother proud. She bent her arm in front of her to follow up, but he managed to avoid eating her elbow, catching it inches from his face and giving it a shove so that she almost punched herself in the face.

Spike swung as if to land one on Buffy’s jaw, but he misjudged the distance and instead of stopping short, his fist connected with her face and sent her reeling backwards. Buffy landed hard on her backside, several feet from where she’d been standing. Spike froze, his arm extended in the follow-through of his punch, staring in shock at his hand.

“It didn’t hurt.”

“The hell it didn’t.” Buffy got to her feet, rubbing her jaw.

“No, my head… No migraine.”