Chapter 12

“Doughnuts!” Xander announced, plunking the bakery box down on the coffee table amongst the piles of books. “I’m Xan the doughnut man.”

“Did you get any cream-filled ones?” Buffy immediately began rooting through the box for her favorite. “The sugary cream, not the Boston cream.” With everyone in research mode, this was the closest she’d get to post-break-up wallowing in junk food, and she was determined to make the most of it.

“Is that a jelly?” Giles asked, scrutinizing the doughnut in Spike’s hand. “You took the jelly?”

Spike jerked it out of the Watcher’s reach. “Relax, Rupert. There’s more.”

“You people are like vultures,” Willow observed, hanging back until the others had made their selections. “They’re just doughnuts. It’s not the end of the world.”

“Well, sure,” Xander replied with his mouth full. “End of the world’s easy. We could do that blindfolded. But picking out the perfect assortment of doughnuts takes skill.” He settled down on the floor next to Anya and picked up the book he’d abandoned earlier. “So, did I miss anything important?”

“Nope,” Buffy told him. “We’ve found stinging demons and slicing demons, but no stabbing ones.”

“Of course, it could be just a regular demon using some sort of weapon,” Giles pointed out in between bites of jelly doughnut, “but I suppose we have to start somewhere.”

“That’s just discouraging,” Buffy remarked, snapping her book shut with an audible thump and placing it in the “useless” pile.

Having polished off his snack in three bites, Spike pulled out a pack of cigarettes and stuck one between his lips, only to have Giles pluck it out of his mouth.

“Not in here, you don’t,” he warned the vampire.

“Fine,” Spike grumbled. “I’ll be outside.”

Buffy jumped up from her seat. “I’ll go with you.” Ignoring the curious looks her eagerness earned her, she followed him out the front door to the courtyard. She took a seat at the little green metal table while Spike perched on the edge of the fountain, his head bowed to light his cigarette.

“So,” she said hesitantly, “any ideas on this demon?”

Exhaling a puff of smoke, he lifted his head and cocked his scarred eyebrow. “That really what you came out here to talk about?”

“…No.”

“Didn’t think so. Have at it, then.”

Buffy chewed on her lip, completely at a loss for where to start. How could she possibly put into words the jumble of emotions she was feeling? She wanted to cry and scream and laugh hysterically. She wanted to hit something, to lose herself in liberating violence. She wanted to be held, loved, kept safe and protected.

Finally, before she had a chance to think it through, she got up from the table, and then she was kissing him, slow and soft and sweet, with the lingering taste of strawberry and confectioners’ sugar.

“Wasn’t quite what I meant, pet,” he said with a bashful smile on his face, once she pulled back.

“Sorry.” She lowered her gaze and started to turn away, but he caught her by the arm and spun her back around.

“Didn’t say I didn’t like it.”

Buffy shook her head, shying away. “No, I shouldn’t have… I don’t know what I’m doing. I just broke up with Riley, and I’m being stupid and –”

“You what?” Spike did a double take. “You mean…?”

“It’s over. He – he dumped me.”

Almost imperceptibly, Spike’s face fell as she crushed his fleeting hope that she’d broken up with the tin soldier because of any feelings she might have for him. “When did this happen?”

“Right before we came over here.” She eased herself onto the fountain next to him. “It took me by surprise, and I don’t know if it’s totally sunk in yet. I’m still kinda… confused.”

He tapped the end of his cigarette, letting the ash fall to the ground. His other hand itched to touch her, to comfort her with a hand on her shoulder or the small of her back, but he restrained himself. “Confused about what?”

“How I feel. I mean, it hurts, of course, but part of me feels… relieved. I know that’s awful, and I hate myself for even thinking it, but the rape just made it so hard, you know? I wanted it to work with Riley – when it first happened, I wanted so desperately for it all to go away so that we could just go back to the way we were before. But I couldn’t do it, and there was just so much stress that it – it feels easier this way.”

Spike was silent for a long moment before saying quietly, “Can’t really say I’m sorry to hear it, pet.”

Buffy furrowed her brow, perplexed. “What?” She’d expected comfort, the usual platitudes – not this.

“Don’t mean I’m glad to see you hurting,” he clarified, mentally kicking himself for his big mouth. Nothing left now but to go all the way. With a deft flick of his fingers, he pitched the cigarette into the fountain and stood. “But hearing you’re unattached? That’s the best news I’ve gotten all day.”

Without giving her a chance to respond, he quickly made his escape, disappearing back into Giles’ apartment before she could see his embarrassment at making such a confession.

Buffy stared after him, marveling at his words. Had he just said what she thought he’d said? Had he really just hinted at wanting a relationship with her? And was she seriously considering it, only hours after ending things with Riley?

On the other hand, how could she not? How could she disregard what she’d been feeling, the fact that she felt more comfortable with him than anyone else? The fact that she could be close to him without any reminders of her trauma. Maybe Spike was her chance to heal.

More confused than ever, Buffy headed back into the house to rejoin the research party. Spike was already settled in, his nose buried in a book, and he avoided eye contact when she looked his way. She could see the vulnerability written all over his face, and without a word to her friends about what had happened outside, she thrust herself back into the research.

*****

“Riley and I broke up,” Buffy told her counselor almost as soon as she sat down. She’d been anticipating this session more than any other she’d had. She was dying to talk to someone, and her friends just wouldn’t understand. Lately, she’d have gone to Spike, but she couldn’t talk to him about this.

“That happens sometimes,” Dr. Marshall conceded. “It’s hard to trust after something like this.”

Buffy nodded. “That’s what he said – I didn’t trust him. And, I mean, he was right.” She hesitated. “The thing is, though, there’s this other guy. And he’s… I don’t know how to explain it, but he can’t hurt me. Like, physically can’t. And that makes me feel safe. It’s totally backwards, I mean, we used to hate each other, but now… I don’t know. I trust him, when I don’t trust anyone else.”

Dr. Marshall didn’t miss the affection in her voice when she spoke about this other man. “Are you thinking about starting a relationship with, ah…?” She paused, fishing for a name.

“William,” Buffy supplied. She didn’t think her counselor would be thrilled about a guy named Spike. That sounded too much like she’d picked him up in a biker bar, which was not the recovery method she was trying to portray. “I don’t know. He – he made it pretty clear that he was interested, but…”

“But you’re not sure if you’re ready?”

“It seems awfully fast,” she admitted. “Is it wrong to have feelings like this so soon?”

“Of course not,” Rebecca assured her. “As long as you’re not letting your traumatic experience cloud your judgment. Are you sure you’re not just reacting to the sense of safety you feel with him?”

“I – I don’t know.” Thrown by this change in perspective, Buffy tried to sort out her emotions. “I guess, maybe that’s a little bit… but I’m attracted to him, you know, as him, not just because of the rape.” Blushing, she thought back to Willow’s will-be-done spell. If there was one thing she’d been forced to admit when it was over, it was that, objectively, Spike was hot. The way he’d looked at her, eyes hazy with lust, had made her tremble. And the things he could do with his tongue….

Buffy shifted in her chair, crossing her legs at the knee. “Before this happened, we kind of had a… brief… something. But he was so totally not what I was looking for, and then I was all wrapped up with Riley, so I didn’t really think about it.”

“But now you’re thinking about it again?”

“Yeah… I guess I am. I mean, I didn’t intend to or anything. But things have been so hard with Riley, and he’s been so good to me lately, I just…” She shrugged, playing with the hem of her skirt. “Maybe it’s always been there, in the back of my mind.” Glancing up at her counselor, she said, “So… do you think it’s okay? I’m not just feeling this way because I’m screwed up?”

“You’re not screwed up, Buffy. Everyone recovers at a different pace. You shouldn’t feel guilty about moving on if you’re ready. Does William know about the rape?”

“Yeah, and he’s been incredibly supportive every step of the way. I’ve told him things I couldn’t even tell my friends. He’s… careful, about not pushing too hard.”

Dr. Marshall nodded, and she looked at Buffy seriously. “Buffy, are you prepared to be hurt?”

“Wh-what?” she stumbled, taken by surprise.

“Up until now, William has been understanding and trustworthy, and that’s wonderful. You’re fortunate to have someone to support you. But people make mistakes. Sometimes they say or they do the wrong thing – it’s just human nature. But with your emotions as fragile as they are, it can be very hurtful.”

“I know that,” Buffy interrupted, thinking of the fights she’d had with her friends, the terrible misunderstandings with Riley.

“Eventually, William will disappoint you,” Rebecca continued. “I want you to be ready for that. I don’t want you to build up expectations that William is the perfect guy who can take away all your pain. I don’t want that let down to set you back in your recovery.”

Buffy smiled, thinking of Spike’s bloody past, and how clueless her counselor really was. “Believe me, I know he’s not perfect. But I think he’s good for me.”

*****

When her counseling session was over, Buffy headed over to Giles’ apartment, where the gang was still researching the demon from the newspaper article. The doughnut box on the coffee table had multiplied, and was now joined by various pizza and Chinese take-out boxes, yet they still seemed no closer to finding an answer.

As soon as she arrived, before she even started in on the research, she beckoned Spike to join her outside. He’d been hesitant and shy around her, and he hadn’t said a word about their last conversation.

“Hey,” she said softly, once he’d followed her to the fountain. “Have a seat.”

He sat down next to her. “Buffy, I’m sorry about what I said the other day –”

“I’m not.”

Spike blinked. “Huh?”

“I’m not sorry you said it, Spike. I’m glad I know where you stand…” She took a deep breath, shoring up her courage. “…and I’d like to see where this goes.”

“You what?” he said, still unable to believe he was comprehending what he was hearing.

Buffy reached out and covered his hand with hers, her fingers sliding in between his. “It means I like you, too, doofus.” She tightened her hold on his hand. “I think I’m ready to see what happens next.”

“You’re sure?” Spike glanced down at their joined hands uncertainly. “Don’t have to rush things just ’cause I’m a git who can’t keep his mouth shut.”

She shook her head. “I talked to my counselor today. This is what I want, Spike.”

“Well, can’t deny the lady what she wants, can I?” he replied with a smile, pulling her into a kiss.