I've been reading fanficrants recentily and stumbled acrosse some hilarious examles of messed up smut scenes. Thought I'd share.

Someone just had to include measurements, but mixed up length and diameter. (At least I hope it was only a mix up.) "His penis was 8 inches in diameter."  Errr, ouch?

Someone else not only fails at biology/anatomy, but also on basic logic. Their characters had anal sex, and there was a hymen. In their ass! -- As one of the people commenting so eloquently put it: I bet that guy was full of shit.

And more failing at biology/anatomy: It's bad if you don't know that the prostate is not located outside of the body. Someone not only had one character realize the other was horny by looking at his prostate, they had him perform oral sex on it.

Have you stumbled over similar gems? Please, share.

OMG,Dia.  You have to post these on Riters_R_Us! (behind a cut. lol)

Please!

*still laughing*

wow... that is saddening.

I'm glad I haven't had the misfortune upon stumbling across smut like that... That's pretty funny though.

One writer forgot that her Buffy wasn't a virgin--as she had sex with Angel and turned him into Angelus and after the whole shebang part of the story when Buffy and Spike got together, Spike broke Buffy's hymen.

My comment on her story was that Angel must have been packing light since he wasn't even lengthy enough to de-virginize her.

Another was a slash fic (I rarely read these) and when one guy was inserted into another guy (I'm sorry if this is ick to some of you) the insertee (the one taking it) orgasmed so hard, the inserter (the guy giving it) felt insertee's juices flood over his penis...but yet he was still locked into insertee's bum...

My only thought there was EWWWWWWWWW....not the kind of juices you want flooding over your parts when you're inserted into that part of someone's anatomy.

ROFL I second your EWWWWWWWWW... That's disgusting - although I guess it is more likely to be another case of someone having absolutely no understanding of how the male body works, than them wanting to conjure that image. At least I hope so.

Space, LMAO at the word "de-virginize"

I read a published novel where the word: "manroot" was used.  ewwwww ewwww ewwww.

ROFLMAO.  As to Buffy being de-virginized twice, it's obviously an example of Slayer healing. 

Zoe - what's the female verison of manroot?  femalepit?

lol!  

Who and a hah and a what?  

  I wrote better smut at thirteen....

  We don't have preteen smut writers out there, do we?

ROFLMAO. That is just wrong, I have no words. Spikez_Tart I've wondered that as well. Since Buffy does have slayer healing, whouldn't her hymen heal too?

Rofl... haha.. i agree, i could write better smut when i was 15.. lol

As for Buffy and the healing hymen, I seriously doubt it. What does slayer-healing mean? That she heals FASTER! So if her hymen healed, that would mean that the same thing would happen to every woman - just slower. No one has ever heard of something like that happening, so why in the world would it work for Buffy?

ROFL at Space's "not the kind of juices you want flooding..."

I have seen stories about Buffy's hymen healing - although, if I remember correctly, it was a kind of icky vamp Buffy fic where Angelus was using her healing against her so that he could keep causing her pain.  Apparently the way vampires get around their own ability to heal quickly is to keep banging away until the hymen gives up and stops healing shut, so if Angelus waited in between rapes for it to heal he could hurt her again.  (Don't look at me like that!  I didn't write it, I'm just repeating it.) 

lmao @ female-pit.  I can't mock too much, I was recently de-virginized in the smut writing department, so...glass houses and all. ;)

Dia, because some people are really horny and dirty and like the idea of taking buffy's virginity over and over. ;) Although...I kind of wonder if Buffy had died a virgin and been turned into a vampire if it would magically heal up.  Because Darla was dying of something pretty nasty when the master turned her and then she she didn't just heal, she was instantly whole again.  So I wonder if Buffy would be a perpetual virgin.  Probably not...but you know how dirty people are. ;)

Patti, it is SO wrong, but I want to read that fic.  Where can I find it?  I am such a twisted little person.  I'm seeking therapy...really...now hand over the fic or Buffy's hymen gets it!

I can one up the manroot with a 'meatshaft' and 'quivering mound of love pudding'

No lie! I told the writer that her aim for sexy fell short when she gave funny nicknames to parts and turned it into comedy. Then I told her to read The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty trilogy for better terms. Would have read better overall if she just said he took his boy parts and mashed it into her girl parts...wouldn't have been half as funny as the meatshaft and love pudding ><

Um, Zoe, I'll have to see if I can find it.  It may have been by someone who no longer has fics up anywhere, or by someone who no longer posts here. You know me and titles/authors, though. I might never remember where I saw it.I'll work on it, but no promises. (If you're really desperate, you could try Seeking Spike - someone on there might recognize it and know who wrote it.)

Space, I liked the sleeping beauty stories okay but there is much much better erotica out there.  I really think Rice may have some severe intimacy issues.  There was way too much spanking and not enough screwing IMO.  To me spanking is like foreplay and if you don't move past it to something else it feels "incomplete."

and LMFAO @ "he took his boy parts and mashed it into her girl parts"  wow, that's kind of like mashed potatoes of luv.

Thanks Patti. :)

*grin*

I like mashed potatoes! :)

Didn't read the fic behind this rant, but what the poster wrote is enough to give me very scary visuals.

When two boys have sex, it is NOT insert penis into penis.

LMAO, Diaboloa. One of those guys must've been really sore the next day...

I guess these people have never heard the phrase, "Write what you know."

Wow, Dia... just, wow.

I think if I read something like that, I'd be afraid to ever touch smutfic again, for fear of being scarred for life.

OMG, I was choking as I read this thread just now. At least it makes me feel a bit better that my smut isn't THAT bad...

And I read that Sleeping Beauty thing in middle school and yeah, got totally bored eventually with the series because I am NOT into spanking. Being hit does not turn me on... *shrugs* But there was other stuff that still sticks with me, basically the stuff that happened to the Prince not the princess actually

And I think I once read a slash fic that had the guy getting wet and I was dumb enough to be like "Hmm, didn't know guys did that" lmao

But I've read a few fics (some by really good authors too who will remain nameless) where I was reading and I don't know if they explained the position wrong, or weren't keeping the picture right in their head, or simply forgot how they had the people positioned - anyway, I started tilting my head and thinking that they were in positions not physically possible, lol, like they would have to have arms that went 360 degrees around or abnormally long arms... or the same with their legs... and their heads on backwards.... LMAO

I've done that too. lol. I love your icon btw, it's so cute. The Sleeping Beauty one, never heard of it.

It's an erotica series by Anne Rice done under a different penname... A. N. Roquelaure. Basically, the princess is screwed awake after the hundred years and the prince that frees her takes her away to this kingdom where apparently all royals are sent for a period of time where they are sex slaves. It's VERY kinky and such, with slash too. I think there's three books, I only made it to the second.

And thank you, Sebastian was 15 and Mieoshe was 10... only had Hades a year. I just lost two in one week... the icon made me feel better a bit.

I only made it to the second book in the Sleeping Beauty series too.  See, to me, to be a sex slave, there has to actually BE sex.  And don't get me wrong, I'm into spanking.  BUT...there was way too much spanking and not enough actual sex.   In these books spanking is the main event, not the sex, and it was just "get on to the SEX PLEASE."

It was just a tad bit repetitive.  I mean how many times can one describe a spanking before it's the same old thing over and over?  An obsessive compulsive would probably love it though.

Hehe, Zoe.

But yeah, I liked the slashy bits with the Prince, like I said. He didn't keep getting spanked *grins* I like the "horses" lmao

i thought the horse thing was dorky.

*pouts* well you would, since for once its the guy being the sub *flashes white shiney hiney at you*

i like the guy being the sub... :P

what...no one's surprised??

I swing both ways....

....and that is NOT a really bad pun about me being Bi, so shush it.

yes it is, whether you meant it that way or not, love :P

>.< Don't make me send whats left of my Hamster Mafia after you... I still got Harley and Lantern.... and well Harley's a licker

And if that doesn't work, next comes Tarzan and Punk... my muses of DEATH

i think i can handle your muses, love... :) ... i know them too well..i'm your beta, remember??

Mwah-hah-hah-hah ;P

Yeah, but can you handle the evil Hamster Mafia coming after you in the middle of the night? Though, me and Aimee are discussing replacing Hades with a girl.... then there might eventually be a Junior League

you know, someone might look at the title of this thread, and then the last one talking about your hamsters, and *really* get the wrong idea!!!! :P lol

I thought we covered the whole "bestiality = bad" a few posts up.... :-P

yes, i completely agree.... 'm just sayin'.... :P

When did we cover beastiality?? *starts scrolling up*

actually, i think that was a different thread...lol..

Ack... sorry, I'm confused. The beastiality was in the squicky pairings thread... too many threads about sex...

damn *snaps fingers* lol

You wanna cover it again here, go right ahead... :-P

it's not about the guy being the sub...though it's true I don't like sub guys...it's just the concept to me is DORKY.

It's a trilogy book thingy, maybe I'll see if they have them at the library, if not then oh well, lol. Awww, I didn't know you lost all of them. Yes, I can see how that makes you feel better. :)

Like Zoe I really don't like a sub. male. I like my men growly and in charge, hee hee hee.

DoS, no one is surprised at you ROFL. Now if you said you like your men dom. then I would have spit my Dew all over my laptop, lol.

Most of the time I like growly dominant men.... but I would not turn down a sexy sub male, thank you very much. Hehe

Oh gag.  I would totally turn down a submissive male.  I just can't stand that.  I want them all scary and growly.

Well, in your case that might be a good thing.... because two subs together would be kinda.... not sure what the right word is.... hehe

boring? :)

well i thought disappointing would be too harsh, but if you're going to do boring then who am i to be nice? lmao

I think I wet my pants.  LOL.

rofl, omg someone wrote that?

Bad porn is funny.  This thread does make me feel better though. The one time I tried to write a pure porn without a plot it came out sounding like a step by step guide. But I at least had the mechanics of it right. :P

We should put up a challenge for people to intentionally write some BAD smut, just for the pure comedy of it.

I am not a writer but love these forums!  I recently read a story called "Forever Alive" by Shadow in which Buffy, as the immortal slayer always grows a new hymen every time she has sex.  I really enjoyed the story and got introduced to characters from the Highlander series.  As soon as I read a comment by one of you all about the "slayer healing" I thought of that story...

:wave Kim

"We should put up a challenge for people to intentionally write some BAD smut, just for the pure comedy of it."

Ohh! That's a good idea. They did something like this in the Smallville fandom. A couple of people started a "Bad Sex" challenge and people wrote stories for it. The bad sex included getting interrupted and not being able to finish (i.e: phone ringing, some crisis that needed to be solved), breaking furniture, embarrassing injuries, and getting caught. (Just to name a few)

Couldn't you imagine Spike having to take Buffy to the hospital because they had an "accident"? Or maybe Spike gets to walk funny for a few days because Buffy was a little to "enthusiastic"? They've already demolished a building so if you added a bit of humor and fluff you could have some pretty funny stories.

Hi Kim *waves back*

EAS, I was actually thinking about opening a thread for that. Well, not exactly that, because I'm not sure if I can stand to read BAP, but how about bad sex - as in bad for the characters. Be it that someone is left unsatisfied, the guy deflates, they get interrupted constantly... Of course it would be awesome if those scenes were funny - at least for the reader. I saw a hilarious example (written as a joke) on JF metaquotes. It had two HP characters wanting to get it on for the first time, only for the girl to pull out a huge chest full of contraceptives; she then proceeds to go on and on about the different methods of birth-control, and is surprised when the guy goes flat during her lecture. Made me rofl.

"but how about bad sex - as in bad for the characters. Be it that someone is left unsatisfied, the guy deflates, they get interrupted constantly..."

Ha! Dia you had the same idea that I did. :P

I've found the site with the Smallville challenge and I was going to modifiy it for Buffy and Spike. I though if we did do a "bad sex" challenge we could base ours off of theirs.

Well, I did mean using those bad "techniques" we mentioned that were a bit.... well basically not physically possible or very icky... lol But obviously on purpose, not because we are that bad at smut, you know? (I've seen people do the same thing with fics where they mock common mistakes in fics, such as the ever changing eye colours and hair colours... and the badly used phrases, etc lol... it was so funny)

But the bad sex as in the interrupting and it basically going bad for them because of the CHARACTERS making mistakes, that sounds really funny too!

Two submissives together plays like this:

"I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"I want to do whatever you want to do."

"No, I want to do what you want to do."

hella lame.

This is the vanilla couple version of this.   The kinky version is even lamer.

ROFL LMAO, that was too much Zoe. Do the kinky version, lol.

"No I want to be the slave tonight."

"NO, you got to be the slave last night, I want to be the slave tonight."

"Why can't you ever be more dominant?  You  never whip  me anymore."

"Oh honey, you know I don't like to leave marks on you, you leave them on me."

See? It just doesn't work out.  This is why I totally don't get "switches" I mean I can respect it and not judge it, I just don't fully "get it."  How can you just flip it on and off like a switch like that?  To me, either you're more submissive or your more dominant and I don't understand people who can be both.

OMG, that was sad. *yawn* Nothing there to work. If people have sex like that I feel for them. *runs from the room*

GB it may as well be vanilla.

Aaaaaaand: another one.

"Mushroom headed fuck stick" is not a good euphemism.

Wow.  Just... wow.  It sounds like some kind of creature from an Animal Planet special.

"Here we see the elusive Mushroom-headed Fuck Stick in its natural environment..."

 I recently discovered the BSV (in a lurker-ish, non-writer sort of way), and this discussion of anatomy is the most amusing thing I've read in a while. Thank you for starting it Diabola.

~asr

Dia - ROFLMAO  - please tell me that you made that up and not that it is actually written someplace!  Too funny!

Re: "mushroom headed fuck stick" -- Wow, that is horrible yet oddly descriptive. Hm...

Regarding Zoe's comment on switches and sub men - What about topping from the bottom? Spike strikes me as the sort who would do it and bring a lot of sass to the experience as well. *grins*  Sure wouldn't mind that one bit.

First I have to comment on "mushroom headed fuck stick" bwahahahahahahahaha OMG.  That's just wrong. hahaha.  Okay, all better.

ClawofCat,

No topping from the bottom. I don't like submissive males even if they're sassy and "bratty" about it.  He'd have to be a REAL brat, and at the point that it would make me hot, he might as well be the dominant party.

Also I've thought a lot about switches.  I've tried to wrap my head around it.  Like I think probably switches outside of the bedroom are dominant about some things and submissive about others.  (in some cases).  But in the bedroom I think it's all just fun and games (though I could be wrong, cause I'm not a switch.)

I've "pretended" to be a switch, but just to be "fun bratty" cause I know I'll get "in trouble" for it.   A guy submitting to me on any level for any reason in the bedroom or outside of it is just *gag me* I can't deal with it.

It's fine for other people, just not for me lol.  So yeah, the short answer to your question is, I wouldn't want a brat sub Spike, because I have no desire to dominate on any level in a relationship, not even in a "play" setting.

I know other people's mileage varies, but it's not my thing.  Just like vanilla egalitarian relationships aren't my thing.  I know, TMI, but anyone who doesn't know that Zoe is a freak, has really been living in a cave.

Zoe's not a freak... she's honest *wink*  and I just love honest subs...

hahahaha Shadow. ;)

Okay, I may be 101% batshit crazy, but I've always wanted to do a Fandrew pron (Faith/Andrew).  Don't get me wrong... that would in no way, shape or form turn me on, I just think it would be utterly, hilariously wrong. 

As a matter of fact... Elizabeth Anne Summers just showed me the light.  I am gonna do it.  May God have mercy on my soul...

Noooooooooooooo, you are crazy. Dear God, help us all, ROFL. But I'd read it.

*pets Shadow* You're so sweetie. :)

Yeah, I'd read it too.  Too bad there's no archive in the world that would accept it.  Dear god - at least I HOPE there isn't, LOL.

Just to turn it up a notch, I'm gonna write it in character, as Andrew.  It could be a fic that he's writing, starring himself as the macho lead.  It will include all of his top-secret lovemaking techniques, and a whole host of anatomical discrepencies and freudian slips. 

Oh, yeah.  I am going to burn in hell for this.

"Oh, yeah.  I am going to burn in hell for this."

Of course the fact that most of us want to read this means you'll have good company in hell. :P

Oh and I think I know a place where you can post it as well.

it actually sounds hilarious, love...i'd love to read it :)

It sounds wonderful, now I REALLY want to read this. So you have to write it now and soon, lol. I'll host it on my web site if you like, lol.

I showed someone the light? *squeaks and looks down* I knew my top was too sheer!!!

Okay one of my favorites is when they talk about the guy "hitting her cervix" as if that was a fantastic experience.  Sorry folks, that just HURTS LIKE BLOODY HELL!  Hit my G spot, fill me, sure, but don't hit the blasted cervix!

This is a fun post......

Oh and Lostboy....I can't WAIT to read your Faith/Andrew story!  Anything that wrong HAS to be right (reserve a place in hell for me).

Kathleen

Yeah. Also, a lot of fics talk about the erection going on up into the womb during sex. Honestly, I can't see how that would be pleasurable, but whatever. Of course, my husband also isn't 13 inches long (which Spike seems to be, in a lot of badly done porn). Personally, I like my Spike to be Spike...not Ron Jeremy.

I'm not sure what is more funny, not knowing the mechanics or not knowing the anatomy.

My favorite was "he slowly rubber her g-spot with the palm of his hand". Even by fistf***ing it's impossible (well... as far as I can imagine), and that was virgin Buffy.

But some positions when people must be doublejointed or had knees bending backwards are funny too. Give you lots of fun and loughter when you try to copy it in real... not many orgasms though :-)

And one thing - anyone who ever had sex in water knows that water is the worst lubricant! It doesn't make slick the parts that we all want to have slick at that moment :-)

Yeah, i'm an euphemism-o-girl today, must be Wednesday ;-)

ROFL, OMG, I know. I hate it when they make Spike like HUGE, seriously folks I know Buffy's the slayer but I'm sure she would be running for the hills if something that big was coming after her.  And the cervix thing, I'm with you too on that one. Were is the pleasure in that? Maybe if Buffy was a vamp I could understand, but human, nah.

Yeah, only if you get off on pain. And seriously, for a woman who's short, things are in......proportion, you know? So porn star long is just going to be a bragging piece, and a waste in reality. It's not like a woman's vagina reaches up to her throat!

Thanks Mio - you just gave me a great idea for my Fandrew piece ;)

(which I SWEAR I am writing)

I've read enough women who complain about an ex-boy friend or husband who is just to long for them, so porn star is not what everyone wants. Hello, you're only about 3-5 inches long. Doesn't feel that way giving birth,lol, but we are.

Lostboy we're waiting for your fic.

BAHAHAHAH this thread nearly brought me to tears! lol, I'm holding out for your fandrew fic, lostboy, sounds like it's going to be bloody hilarious!!! :P

Speaking of way too big.....someone on LJ had a wonderfully hysterical icon manip of Spike with an Anaconda sized ....um....body part (yes, folks, the infamous penis).  It was wrapped around his body in a coil and the head was draped over his left shoulder.  I peed my pants and my husband had to be scraped from the floor it was soooo funny.  I haven't been able to find it since (anyone who can point me to it......PLEASE!!!!!!....I want to have it in my pix doc for a laugh when I need it most!).

As for porn gone wrong....I wrote a drabble (actual 100 word drabble) that was supposed to be Spike death and used the overused "Buffy is sooooo hot" image to have him dust from the burn.

I find it funny when writers make Angel or Riley tiny and Spike humongous or make the others adequate at best in performance in comparison to the energizer bunny Spike.  I figure they all "showed up" in size and that's what matters and Buffy seemed pleased with the results.  Spike was liberating for her in other ways and that made it best of all IMHO.  He took whatever she gave and kept up with her without judgement and that makes for a good time in bed *G*.

This is such a fun thread and I can't wait to read Lostboy's Faith/Andrew story (put a bit of Spuffy in it so you can post it here!!!!!).

Kathleen

OMG, Kathleen I'm so glad I wasn't drinking when I read your post. I would LOVE to see that pic. ROFL If anyone finds it, please post link.

I know that cracks me up. I read one where Angel was really tiny I had to cry from laughter, then I thought no wonder he was big on rape, lol. But he has to have something or knows how to work it to have Dru and Darla fawning all over him, lol. Plus we know Spike learned some of his moves from Angel, lol.

Now as for Riley. I'd say he was avrage and didn't know how to work it, lol. Just the rebound guy.

Reading a fic that has potential, but is so damn frustrating.  Keeps mentioning the guy putting his finger *inside* of the girl's clit, and uses poor euphemisms like "meat" and "lids."

Ouch. If any guy ever attempted to stick a finger into my clit all he would've gotten for his pains would have been a swift kick in the nuts.

Also ... meat?? lol. That sounds very 70's-pornish. Not sexy at all, IMHO. I also hate it when people write "pussy lips." It just sounds so ... cliched and cheap. Then again, I'm weird. I like "pretty" euphemisms and prefer sex to be more implied than descriptive, when it comes to romance. For all-out porn, I like more imagination than the old standby words.

I totally agree, UB.  And I don't think it was meant to be porn per se- just badly written sex scene.  And, she kept writing "lids" in reference to lips- that wasn't a typo on my end, lol.

Oh, yeah. I knew it wasn't a typo. I was just throwing another of my pet peeves in there, lol. That's too bad when an otherwise promising story is ruined by such scenes.

Yeah, I'm not with crude language for sex scenes either.  And though this doesn't have anything to do with sex, the guy habitually "batted his eyebrows."  Good storyline, just poorly executed. Shame...

I'm on the same bandwidth. The crude, blatant stuff just turns me off. I also like the "pretty" and try to write my scenes that way.

CM

I'm with you guys - writing good sex scenes is bloody hard.  Too many euphemisms and it sounds coy and juvenile, too many porny words and it just seems...porny.  SI, you're a more patient person than I am- I would have bailed on that story several misspelled/misused words ago, I don't care how much promise it shows.

When I first started writing I told my first beta that, no matter what, when I was ready to write smut I wasn't going to talk about the size of Spike's package. By that time I'd read just a few too many fics that went on and on about how big he is.  She told me that it was considered a basic tenet of smut to give the man larger than normal attributes.   My attitude  towards  somebody like he is often presented as being is "get the hell away from me with that thing!" LOL

CM- I agree. I try to be "pretty" and vague with it, and when I have to write smut, I still try to be a bit vague, I suppose.

Slaymesoftly, it wasn't too long a fic, so I figured, what the hell?  ;)

And I don't see Spike as...hmm, I think I read a fic once where he was like ten or eleven inches or something, talking about how he rammed it in, and I don't see that as pleasant or sexy.  Bigger than average, I'll take.  Bigger than Riley, sure, I'll be on board, but sometimes, it does get "scary" the way he's presented with his anatomy...

LOL...jumping on the bandwagon here... agreeing with most of the previously raised points... and adding that words like oozing, weeping, leaking, dripping etc are NOT sexy. Really!! Depending on the context, at the best they are giggle-worthy, and at the worst they are just....ewwww...get thee to a doctor now! 

Oh, and I always love it when Buffy has these incredible legs that can obviously move through solid objects... like when she has her legs wrapped around Spike's waist and then he just flips her over despite the fact that her legs are wrapped securely around him! lol

Ah, yes! The disregard for physics! LOLOLOL....

Yep, he has to try to rise up enough that she can untangle her legs and move them to his sides....awkward at best for anybody!

CM

I have nothing to add, just giggling madly, and hope that I never do ( ie. write) any of these things listed.

Ok, not that I am "the penis queen" with an abundance of experience with a variety of them, but my question is, why do so many fics (particularly with Spike) have it go straight up when he's aroused?  I find myself reading this phrase many times by many different authors "...grazing his belly..."  Is this some kind of preference?  It seems odd to me, personally.

Well, depending on if s guy is standing, sitting, lying down, it can hit his stomach, or stand out a bit from the body. They do grow mostly up, of course. :D  I have known a guy that had his hit his belly button at full strength. O_O.

And you know what guys will call a beer belly, sometimes? A "Dicky Do", cuz it sticks out more than there dicky do.

As seen on fanficrants:

ROFL, I had to reread it again, because I was thinking what does that have to door with porn. Holding the door open.

Aw crap, I thought this was porn gone right forum. Dammit they should of told me I just jumped into the Comedy Central of BSV. Honestly, I've read alot of fics with smut scenes funnier than Michael Jackson in his bed jumpin around with a Spiderman mask.

There was one where Spike is on top and ramming away, and Buffy screams in pleasure because Spike's balls are smacking against her clit....

How does that work? Unless the beans are on top of the frank, I don't think that would work. Lostboy I would love to see a Fandrew fic, that sounds hilarious, I can almost imagine Andrew. "My young apprentice Faith, are you ready for a lightsaber duel, oh wait, you don't have one. Sorry about that my gentle viewers."

Oh, yea there's was one on adultfanfiction.net where Buffy is sucking on Spike's balls and ends up gagging on them. Those must be some really big cashews there buddy.

Daniel_Nieves

Sorry, forgot to login. Oh yea, there was something else I wanted to bring up. On the whole male being submissive and dominant, I used to be the dominant one in the bed, but then after going to the strip club for the first time in my life, I realized I like agressive females, that really gets to me for some reason.

What don't look at me like that. I blame DoS' fanfiction. Lol. Sorry, love.

ROFL you got me at her scream from his balls hitting her clit. Kama Sutra is at work I think. oO

Daniel you so have to go back to being a dom, it's much better. A girl likes to be kept in line from time to time. lol

Maybe he can be a swing hitter... I mean, I'm all witht he submissiveness but I don't think I'd be a sub with another girl *shakes head* But you never know, lol

Oh oh, and I mentioned in another thread the whole misplacement like the bellybutton screwing in Underworld Evolution (*sigh* I love the movie but I was blinking wide eyes at that scene)

*nods* everytime I watch that scene I laugh, I mean they could have gotten better there. But I guess when your husband is the director he doesn't want it looking to real with you having sex with another guy.

*cough* well, I'd want my husband to look like he knew what he was doing... personally... I mean, that could reflect bad on you if your spouse looks like they're horrendous in bed, lmao

FFrants again:

[...] purple-headed, yogurt-splurting monster is not a good euphemism for penis.

LMAO!!!! Where do people get these ideas from??? I just have to ask.

No clue. Others found them and quoted them on FFrants, they usually don't link back to the fic. Not that I haven't found equally hilarious crap in fics, but if I quoted that, you'd know it was from B/S BtVS fics (as most people know I only read those), and chances are someone is gonna know/be friends with the author. Better allow those writers to stay anonymous.

But yeah, it's all very strange. ;-)

LOL. Next we'll have a milk splurging man jerky.

DN

lol - long, pink pudding pop

With Bill Cosby using his phone sex voice. LOL. That is so wrong

Oh, sooooo so wrong! lol  *thinks of anything equally squicky*  Omg, have you seen Grumpy Old Men with the outtakes of Burgess Meredith (loved him and he shared my bday! hehe) using all these different euphemisms? Looooved that, lemme see if I can remember some of them

"looks like chuck is taking the skin boat to tuna town" , slipping her the ole salami, taking the log to the beaver, putting the hotdog in the bun, taking a ride on the bologna pony

Lol. Oh wait, the man stick of doom. I once heard a preacher refer to a vagina as the gates of hell. Then again he was a 46yr old virgin....

omg, I'm watching Planet's Funniest Animals and heard this phrase which my dirty mind turned into a bad euphemism.... "fur covered meat grabber"

That is *so* gross, lol.

Um, though they're from movies, here are two more : "wrestle the ball headed champ," and "nappy dugout."

ROFL, that's a good one. Though, if you are religious I can see how one would think what's between a woman's legs is a temptation, lol. poor guy, he needs to get laid.

Jim and I call his "Mr. Friendly" just as a side note. 

Other euphemisms I've heard are "Proud Samari" (obviously circumsized) or the "helmeted warrior". 

Those always make me laugh.

For some reason I never cared for the terms Dick or Prick..don't know why.  Cock is fine (*G*) as is penis.  When you get into other expressions like Tool or man root...it's just too funny.  Oh yeah...the one eyed monster and bald mouse are too funny too.

For women I have a negative reaction to Cunt (likely because it is so often used as a derogatory term or a curse).  Pussy and Quim are my favored words in writing or reading.  I do wonder where the word Quim came from though.  Don't care much for hole either (especially dripping or weeping....I want to suggest a nice cream!)

Amazing the emotional reactions to mere word!

This topic has made me quite naughty!  Okay, always was but it brings out the evil in me.

"Gates of hell" huh?  I've heard "Gates of Paradise", but never to hell...methinks you are right and he's a virgin and a frightened one at that!

As for the balls hitting the clit....well my mind is really trying to keep from picturing balls flying about doing gymnastics with a sac big enough to let them wrap around to get THAT job done!

As for the purple headed yogurt splurting monster!  Can I just say it will be a while before I can eat blueberry yogurt without an evil chuckle!

Kathleen

*pat pat* I still get an immature giggle from mayo... especially since high school when I was twisting a packet in my lap until it burst and a spurt flew up into the air to land on my can of soda. We all just sort of sat there with wide eyes then busted up laughing.

And I think we mentioned this before, but why do all the men in smut have to have like the largest cocks ever.... there comes a point when that's just painful, lol

my take on scenes where guys have unnaturally large cocks is that if it's a female writer, she's probably with a Riley type, vanilla love making fool or just generally frustrated. If it's a guy, he might be writing to make up for what he doesn't have... As a guy I've seen my fair share of porn and anything over a foot is no longer cool. That's gotta hurt.

I gave Im Bloody English a laugh because Spike is of course big in her stories and after one story where she describes it I left a review stating that I was grabbing my coochie and screaming, she was tickled :P

my take on scenes where guys have unnaturally large cocks is that if it's a female writer, she's probably with a Riley type, vanilla love making fool or just generally frustrated. If it's a guy, he might be writing to make up for what he doesn't have... As a guy I've seen my fair share of porn and anything over a foot is no longer cool. That's gotta hurt.

Got another one. Fanficrants again, I'm just quoting.

Men do not have vaginas. Do not refer to anything belonging to a man as 'vaginal'. No. Don't. There's a cock and there's the ass. That is it. The ass does not behave like a vagina, ladies, it behaves just like yours. The ass is not between the legs, ladies, it's behind.

Dammit, Dia! You almost made me choke on a pretzel! That is just... special.

ROFL - you have got to be joking. That was actually in a fic? That's almost as scary as the penis-in-penis homosexual sex scenes.

Im working on it, lately I've been the dominant one, but sometimes it's okay for me to be dominated. Dont get any ideas! LOL.

Hey UB as for the penis in penis thing, I've actually heard about it from a gay guy. He said it's called docking, I'm not getting into the details, it's pretty icky. Last time I check penis and penis are pretty unmixy things.

A bit back there was a fic on FF.net where Spike was sucking on a majorly oversized clit that he was able to deepthroat. I laughed, couldn't help it. That's a scary friggin clit. I asked the author in a Private Message about it asking them if they were sure Buffy had a vagina in her fic.

I dont think she took it well.

 Spike was sucking on a majorly oversized clit

OMG! rofl, I cannot believe people still write like this. We have the internet, if you're unsure google it.

Weellll.... I have heard really crude gays refer to a man's ass as a "Man-gina" or something like that... maybe this person got confused and referred to the man having a vagina after this, lol

still, it's not like we guys have a clit as well.

What would be a man-clit? I wonder....

Quoting martyfan on fanficrants:

*blink blink* Duuuuuude......

Wow.....

 OMG, just reading this thread, and I now have to be intubated from inhaling my coffee, so thanks for the attempted homicide, guys!  That's absolutely hysterical!  ROFLMFAO!!!