This story is beta'd by Dawnofme and Marilyn.
Thank you for your time, patience and teaching me so much! Thanks, Dawn for great banner! I also want to thank Deana and Jennifer for encouraging me to flesh out this idea.Some dialog from the episode, Entropy, written by Drew Z. Greenberg, was used in this chapter. This story is complete, and I will be posting weekly. I'd love to hear what you think of it.

Disclaimer: All
publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of
their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the
property of the author. The author is in no way associated
with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No
copyright infringement is intended.








As Buffy walked home from his crypt, she couldn't believe herself. Spike professing his feelings was real, and she had dismissed them with, "I think it is, for you." Why couldn't she stop hurting him? She knew he had nothing to do with that camera, yet off she went to accuse him and throw hateful words his way. At what point had she become this hateful person? Had the pain caused by her well-meaning friends dragging her out of heaven done this? Was it the weight of her secrets? Was it just simply living in the world that had made her into this person she loathed? Either way, she was embarrassed and ashamed of the way she had treated him. He didn't deserve it. She believed he loved her, despite all the things she'd said to him in the past. How could he not and still be here, still putting up with her abuse? Spike was either the most masochistic or the most patient man on the planet.

Buffy wondered when exactly she'd come to see him as a man. If she were honest with herself, something she tried to avoid at all costs, she would say it happened when he kept the secret of the Key. She'd realized then, there was a decent person lurking beneath the façade of the Big Bad. He'd gone into battle with her and afterward kept his promise, when he could have left for parts unknown. He stayed, took care of Dawn and helped fight the good fight. When she first saw him the night she was brought back, she was astonished at the reverence and love in his eyes; she hadn't thought it possible for someone to look at her that way. She'd felt a sense of peace with him that night in the midst of chaos and hell. Buffy knew her feelings for him were not disdain or disgust, but fear and denial kept her from acknowledging the truth.


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Spike was done; he was through feeling sorry for himself. She was never going to change no matter how he tried to convince her, and oh, how he'd tried. At least she believed he loved her, but a fat lot of good that did him. She refused to admit she cared for him, not that he expected her to come running into his crypt with professions of love. But, damn it he wanted her to admit there was at least a spark.

Well, mate, you're well and truly buggered! he thought, smashing an empty liquor bottle on the crypt floor.

The anguish gripping him was almost more than he could bear. He remembered when he was first chipped --- the helplessness and despair he felt. What he felt now was tenfold. He'd been steadily drinking all afternoon and the liquor sure as hell wasn't helping. As soon as the sun was low enough, he would go to the Magic Box. Surely, Anya could offer some spell or other rot to make this pain go away,. He wasn't one for using magic, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Feeling the time was right Spike set out on his mission.


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When Buffy arrived home, she was still lost in thought. She found Willow at the dining room table.

"Hey Buff, you okay?" Willow's brow furrowed as she studied her friend carefully. "You seem a little off."

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just want to get to the bottom of this, and I have a feeling I know who we'll find." Buffy looked exasperated as she set the garden gnome on the table. "Do you think you can get to the bottom of this? " Buffy asked.

"I'll give it my best shot." Willow gave her a look of determination. "I kinda have some good news. Tara's coming over later to watch a movie," Willow said.

"That's great. Sounds like you two are making progress." Buffy smiled half-heartedly.


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Spike walked into the Magic Box, slamming the door behind him, causing the bell to ring loudly. He walked straight to Anya intent on his purpose.

"Hey, I need a thing," he said, not noticing until then that Halfrek or Cecily - whatever she was calling herself these days – was sitting with Anya.

"What's your pleasure?" Anya eyed him expectantly.

"Fresh out of pleasure -- that's why I'm here," Spike said.

Anya noticed the desperation in his voice, but stepped away to speak with Halfrek in private. "Oh my God! Spike hates Xander. Maybe I could get him to wish ... damn it, if only he were a woman," Anya whispered.

"Anyanka, there's an easier way. Now, I know you have this whole female-power, take-back-the- night thing --- I think that's cute. But I've been telling you for decades -- men need a little vengeance now and then, too." Halfrek tried to convince her.

Anya seemed to consider this, looking over at Spike. "Maybe this is a good chance to try it out." Halfrek gave a cheerful wave and left.

"Sorry to bust up the little girls' night out." Spike's tone was more sarcastic than sorry. "That's okay. I'm ready to do some business." Anya walked toward him with purpose.

"Right then, got something to dull the ache a bit?" Spike asked.

"Actually, yes… um, Giles left a couple of supplies here, and I think ... this might help. Eases the hurt ... makes the sun shine a little brighter, and even makes boring people seem more interesting. Ah, here." Anya rummaged behind the counter producing a bottle of Irish whiskey.

Spike grinned.


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"Hi, guys, look who I found on the sidewalk." An excited Dawn came in the house with a smiling Tara.

"Hey, you two. We're going to watch a movie as soon as I get this computer thing figured out." Willow sat at the dining room table with her laptop open, typing while staring at the screen intently.

"How's it coming? Can you see who's getting the computer signal?" Buffy asked, as she came in from the kitchen.

" Should have something once I get tapped into the fiber-optic network. We're gonna use the feedback relay to, uh, get their signal routed into our system." Willow continued to search.

"I want to find these guys." Buffy looked grim.


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"So, then this girl says, 'real for you.'" Spike slammed his glass down angrily.

"Right, but getting back to Xander…" Anya added.

"Xander? Let's not waste anymore breath on that wanker."

"But, he made a fool of me, and nobody seems to care!" Anya was flailing her hands and her bottom lip jutted out in a pout.

"I care. I've never stooped that low, and I'm an evil, soul-less thing, according to some people," Spike said bitterly.

They picked up their glasses and whiskey, moving to the table.

"Thing about it is, none of this was my idea. I didn't ask to be human." Anya poured them another drink.

"I didn't ask for this bloody chip in my head."

Spike took a swallow, as Anya continued to get more upset.

"Next thing you know, I'm changing to please him… I care if he cares!"

"Right." Spike nodded.

"Screw'em," Anya said, raising her glass in a toast.

"To the rafters!" Spike and Anya clinked their glasses together, becoming drunker by the minute.

"Please, it's no wonder they couldn't deal with the likes of you and me, luv. We should have been dead hundreds of years ago ... and we're the only ones who're really alive." Spike's honesty was refreshing to her. Anya moved closer to Spike, and they realized the bottle was almost empty.

She began to cry. "This is the first time since…It feels nice to be with someone who understands. This whole time I've been coming on all hell-bent and mad…wanting his head, you know? When, really, I … can't sleep at night thinking it has to be, I don't know my fault somehow…"

Spike gently cupped her cheeks, taking a moment push a lock of stray hair behind her ear. "Shh, luv, now, now." Spike tried to soothe her.

"The two of them, they're weak is all, but they'll miss the water once the well has gone dry." Spike leaned forward, their foreheads touching.

"Wait, wait, what are we doing?" Anya whispered.

"Moving on." They began to kiss passionately.


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"Hey, hey, I think I've got something. There are other cameras. I can tell there are more feeds, I … I'm just having a harder time pinpointing 'em. Here, lemme... I just ... ucch, I've almost got a picture on 'em. I think I've got the Magic Box." Willow continued to type, looking at the screen. She gasped, causing the girls to gather around the computer.

Buffy stared in horror at the scene. There on the screen for all to see, were Spike and Anya locked in a passionate embrace, kissing as if their very lives depended on it. Suddenly, Spike broke away, saying something to her and rushing out the door, leaving a bereft Anya. Buffy felt like she'd been stabbed. She fought to control her emotions, but she could feel hot tears welling up and threatening to spill. This was her moment of truth -- her wake up call. She looked around to see the others staring at her confused, with the possible exception of Tara.

"I pushed him away." Buffy took a deep shuddering breath. "I have…feelings for him. We were…for awhile, we were together." She stared at the computer screen, not really seeing the feed. "I was afraid of what you guys would think—I thought I was using him." She gazed at Tara, latching on to the one person she thought would judge her the least. "I've got to go to him. Tell him how I really feel and try to repair the damage I've caused. Wish me luck."

Three astonished girls watched as Buffy left the house.