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CHAPTER 7: Paging Dr. Phil



When Buffy finally woke up, she was alone in bed. The room was dark and she wondered with confusion if it was still the same night, or if it was the next day and the sun had already set. But her body was telling her that she had slept for a long time, so it must be the next day. The sun wasn’t completely down yet, but the heavy curtains were keeping the last rays out for Spike’s sake, giving her the impression that it was night time. She tried to clear her foggy mind and sat up, slightly dizzy from oversleeping. It didn’t take her long to locate Spike. He was sitting in the armchair facing the bed, seemingly lost in his thoughts, the burning tip of his cigarette bright in the darkness of the room.

He’d had plenty of time to think while the emotionally exhausted girl was sleeping the day away. He’d came up with a desperate way of getting her to vent her pain and frustrations and hoped his idea would work. He knew it was the last resort. The fact that she’d show up in the first place was a good sign that she wanted to be helped and she had enough of keeping the pain inside. So maybe there was a chance.

“Slept well?”

She nodded, warily keeping her eyes on him, not sure what to expect. She knew she had pushed Spike too far this time and the fear of losing him she had felt the night before wasn’t completely gone. Suddenly, predictable Spike wasn’t so predictable anymore. Buffy was nervous about what he would say, or what he would do. Would he tell her it was over? Would he ask her to leave?.. And his prolonged silence wasn’t helping any. She opened her mouth to try to break it, but he cut her off.

“Right then. Now that you’re well rested, get up and get dressed.”

At the stricken look on her face, he calmed her fear by adding “There‘s some place I want to take you.”

Buffy obediently got up on wobbly legs and made her way to the bathroom to take a quick shower.

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“Where are we going?”

“Not far.”

They had left the motel just after sunset, at that moment when the sky look like a crazed painter has thrown buckets of dark coral, light red and deep blue paint across it. It was beautiful. The closest Buffy and Spike would ever get from taking a walk under the sun. They had walked for twenty minutes and were now surrounded by a harsh looking rocky landscape. Civilization had given way to the desert. To Buffy, it felt like they were completely alone in the world. That’s exactly what Spike had planned.

After another five minutes of walking in silence, Spike stopped and turned to her.

Confusion was etched on Buffy‘s features. She looked around curiously, trying to figure out what it was that he wanted to show her.

“What are we looking at exactly?”

“Hit me.”

“What?” She turned around sharply to look at him with a disbelieving look.

“I said, hit me. Take your best shot Slayer. Don’t hold back.”

“Is this some kind of sick joke? Cause watch me not laughing.”

“It’s not a joke. I want you to let it all out. I want us to fight here until we both fall from exhaustion. Don’t worry about me. I can stand my own in a physical fight. That sort of pain I can deal with. I want you to let out that anger, pain, denial; whatever it is you’ve been keeping inside and just hit me. Let The Slayer out."

Silent tears were streaming down her face as she stared at him without a word. She shook her head.

“Do it, Slayer! Come on, pet, you have no problem hurting me with words, but you’re squeamish about using your fists? Since when?”

She lashed out; her fist connecting with his torso and making him fly back. He charged her.

“That’s my girl.”

It was like good old times. When everything was simple between them and fighting seemed to be the only right thing to do. But were things ever simple between them? Even as mortal enemies, there was always more depth to their relationship than just kill or be killed. Competition of skills and power, need to show who the best was, connection in the violence of the fight, perfect understanding of who the other was, and maybe just a little bit of lust thrown in the mix for good measure. But with time, things only got more complex as feelings were added to the equation, leading to this moment. Things were now coming full circle as they fought. Only this time, death was not to be the outcome, and who the winner would be had no importance.

Buffy’s mind was blank as she blocked Spike’s every punch and kick quickly and efficiently. She wanted to think of nothing, concentrating on the pain and anger boiling inside of her instead.

She got a few good shots in. It felt good. Not to hurt Spike, although by the grin on his face, she could tell she wasn’t hurting him. No, what felt good was the familiar thrill of fighting with him, something she had missed greatly, and also feeling the anger seep out of her with every punch. The pain would without a doubt still be there at the end of the night. These kind of wounds took longer to heal. But the rage she had been holding back inside was deflating.

Spike round house kicked her twice. She managed to avoid his first attempt. He got her on the second. She fell but got up almost as soon.

“Come on, Slayer, I won‘t break. Let it all out. Admit it once and for all. You’re angry.”

Buffy grabbed him from behind, and he head butted her.

“It’s alright to say it, pet. You have every right in the world to be resentful and angry.”

She didn’t answer, but he could see the emotions in her hazel eyes. Her teeth were clenched and she was breathing hard.

“Come on. Don’t tell me you feel nothing. I wouldn’t believe you.”

She threw a side kick at him, her small foot landing in the middle of his chest making him back up a few feet.

“I don’t want to feel these things.”

“But you do! Accept it. You can’t keep it inside of you. It will tear you apart.”

The fight was slowly running out of her. Tears were streaming down her face.

“They didn’t think they were doing something wrong. They don’t deserve my anger.”

“Do I?”

“No. You don‘t. It‘s them. I‘m--I‘m pissed off. I‘m mad at my friends, all right? Are you happy now? I said it.” She attacked again.

“I am pissed. Ok?” She yelled. “I’m fucking pissed off at my dumb ass friends who thought it would be a genius idea to interrupt my eternal rest so I could continue to fight for the goddamn world. I’m so mad that sometimes, I wish I could kick their stupid asses for being so selfish.”

Spike smiled and started approaching her, carefully blocking the punches she was still throwing at him, until he was too close for her to be able to hit him anymore. She let him pull her into his arms. She chuckled through her tears, her face buried in the leather of his coat.

“Dumb asses.”

Spike laughed at the mumbled words. He pulled her down until they were both sitting in the dirt. Buffy wiped at her tears.

“I’m sorry, Spike. I didn’t mean to hurt you the way I did the past two months. I’m tired of taking it out on the wrong person. You’ve done nothing to deserve this. I’m sorry. You were right. I love them, they’re almost like family to me, but I’m angry with them.”

“It’s all right, luv.” He said while smoothing her hair back soothingly. “You can love them and still be angry. One doesn’t exclude the other.”

She looked up and gave him a watery smile. “When did you get so smart, Blondie?”

Spike huffed. “I’ve always been. About time you noticed.”

After a moment of silence, he asked out of the blue. “What’s the deal with the Whelp anyway? Not only did it look like he knew about us, but he seemed on board the Buffy and Spike lovin’ bloody train. Has he gone off the deep end?”

The vampire frowned when he noticed Buffy turning bright red. She started telling him everything that happened in the past twenty four hours.

“So--when you say he’s seen it all--do you mean just the nice, entertaining stuff, or the bad, rough moments as well? Cause our last encounter was rather dark, even by my standards.”

“He saw it.”

“Hard to believe he’d still be rooting for our team after seeing that little stunt. Can’t say I’m proud of what I did that morning.”

“I asked for it.”

“Didn’t mean I had to do it.”

“Maybe I wanted to be punished. I took it without a word, didn’t I.”

“Punished for what, luv?”

“For the things I do to you, the things I say. The way I treat you.”

“Why do you treat me like that then? You said you don’t hate me. Then why? I know you’re angry at your mates and all, but I don’t understand why you’d turn it into a ‘you and me’ thing. And I want to. It’s only fair that you’d explain to me because to be honest with you, I’m completely lost. Tell me why.”

“Because you love me.” She answered in a small voice.

Spike frowned, trying to make sense of what she was saying. “So you kick me in the balls for loving you? I’ve been condemn for many things, pet, but never that. You don’t want me to love you, is that it?”

“Yes. No…” She took a deep breath “I need you to love me. But I don’t want you to. Because love never lasts, and I think I’ve had just about as much pain as I can handle.”

“So let me get this straight. You’ll just refuse happiness because happiness could possibly, in theory, hurt you?”

“I don’t think there is real happiness here. We call it happiness because we don’t know any better. But it’s volatile, it’s tainted, and it hurts so much when it doesn’t last.”

“Buffy… maybe it’s just a crazy thought, but luv--are you afraid you might forget what it was like?”

“What it was like?”

“It looks to me like you’re voluntarily trying to make life into Hell. Always comparing this world with heaven, seeing only the worst in life and turning your back on every opportunity to experience happiness. You refuse to give life a second chance. You’ve tasted something better after you died, and don’t want to let it go. But what if it’s not better, just different?”

She looked down, doing her best to avoid his eyes. She started drawing meaningless patterns in the dirt and he thought she wouldn‘t answer. But she finally did.

“I don’t know, Spike. I’m so confused sometimes that I don’t even know what I’m doing or why. I don’t know who I am anymore. I want things to be normal, I want to be Buffy again and I work so hard at showing a convincing image. But once in a while, I fall apart. And you always happen to be there at that moment. I’m sorry.”

“They buggered things up real nice for you pet, didn’t they? I’m sorry they didn’t leave you in peace, but what’s done is done and you have to live now. I just wish I could make things better for you. I tried. But you won’t let me.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I want to let you. I really do. I know how much you love me. Sometimes, I wonder why. But I know you do. And I want to let you help me, but there are times when the anger I keep inside becomes too much. I don’t know why I let it out on you instead of the ones who deserve it. I do the same with Dawn, you know. And God knows she hasn’t done anything wrong. Maybe it’s because you two are the only ones I love. I have strong feelings for you that I don’t understand and can’t bottle up like all my other feelings. And everything comes out at the same time in a confused mess. Or maybe I just need to be locked away in a mental institution and be fed multi colored pills.” She finally looked at him with a small smile.

“No. You need to be aware of all this. Stop worrying about your friends’ feelings and put Buffy first. You need to let me and Dawn in and accept that there can be good in life. And by the way, love doesn’t always end in pain. You can’t base your perception of love on a few wankers who were too thick to realize what an amazing woman you are. If they were idiotic enough to let you go, that’s their thing. But don’t judge me after them. It’s unfair to me. It’s unfair to us. Just let us be, Buffy.”

She smiled. “Should have spent more time talking to you instead of screwing your brains out. Not that the screwing isn’t good.”

He chuckled softly. “Yeah. I can be surprising like that. I’m not all looks you know. There are brains hidden under that sex god image of mine.”

She punched his arm lightly. “Full of yourself much?”

He rolled his eyes at her and pulled her back in his arms. A comfortable silence settled over them and they remained like that until Buffy shivered. Spike let go of her long enough to take off his jacket and put it on her shoulder.

“Let’s go back to the motel, pet. It’s getting cold.”

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The motel finally came into view. Buffy was glad because she really was getting cold. Freezing even. But it had been worth it. She felt a hundred pounds lighter now than she did when they left earlier. She knew she still had a lot to work on, but Spike’s intervention had helped her facing her issues.

“Oh. I meant to ask. Why did you take me all the way to the desert for this?”

They were walking slower now that they were almost there, and they were holding hands. Which at first, felt odd to Buffy. But she had fought the urge to pull her hand out of Spike’s grasp the way she would have not long ago, and now she was starting to enjoy it. It felt comfortable. She realized suddenly that she had almost ruined a relationship that had the potential to be amazing. Yet another guilt trip to put on her already long list when it came to Spike.

The blonde vampire tilted his head to look at her, the smirk on his lips a testimony of his lighter mood. “Well at first, I thought about kicking your tiny slayer’s ass here in the parking lot, but I think it would have been hard to explain the cops when they showed up.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Smart ass.”

That’s when Buddy, the motel manager, walked out of the office across the parking lot and headed straight for them. His beady eyes were almost popping out of his sockets and his forehead was glistening with sweat.

“Do you think he’s having a heart attack?” Buffy whispered while watching the short man approaching them quickly. “Cause there’s no way I’m doing CPR on him. My lips are not going anywhere near that guy.” She shuddered at the thought.

“Hey! You two. Wait up.” Buddy jogged the last fifty or so feet that still separated him from the blonde couple. He stopped in front of them and bent in half with his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. “God, I gotta cut back on the junk food.”

“Can we help you with something? Is there a problem with the credit card I gave you?” Spike asked, not in the mood to deal with the wanker.

“Someone broke into room 336 last night. The guy must have been fucking huge cause the damn door is broken in half. The guy who rented the room just left. The son of a bitch probl’y didn’t wanna pay for the damage. Did you guys see anyone last night?”

Buffy and Spike just looked at each other, both biting their lips to stop themselves from laughing. They shrugged.

The two blondes answered as one. “Nope. Haven’t seen a thing.”

They walked away, laughing.

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A/N: I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to review. It means a lot to me, especial where this fic is concern. When I started writing it a while ago, I was worried about the kind of reception it would get. So every single review remind me that I was wrong to worry ;)