It's Not Enough

By:  Morrigan



A/N:  Thank you, Blacknblue2.  I can not sing your praises enough!  Ok guys, here we go.  Please give me a holler tell me what you think!  And thank you, again to all who have been reviewing, so far!  

Disclaimer:  All characters still belong to Joss Whedon and ME, which I don't think is really fair since Joss doesn't let them play outside, anymore!




Buffy cleared her throat, a little loudly, as she walked down the steps to alert him of her presence. This made her laugh a little, at herself, because he would already know that she was there.  It just seemed...
polite somehow?

Spike was reclined on the cot, one knee bent and smoking.  He nodded at her, acknowledging her presence.

"Lo, Pet.  Lost your way?"

"In more ways than one."  She answered softly.

Now that she was here, face to face with him, she didn't know what to say.

Her eyes took in the slowly fading welts and bruises on his arms and face.  She knew she should probably ask him how he was feeling.  She thought that, perhaps, he might want to tell her more about what had happened.   But more than anything, she just wanted to scream.  She wanted to tell him that she was sorry.  That she had been stupid and naive and too trusting and...   God, was she tired.

Spike watched silently as Buffy's emotions played themselves out in her eyes.  to him, they seemed to flash and dim almost like the sky caught in a storm.  He had always loved a good storm.  But a storm was always followed by rain.  And he didn't know if he was up to withstanding an emotional downpour, this evening.

Throughout his battle with Wood he had stumbled upon a revelation.  By using Spike's trigger against him, Wood had inadvertently freed him from it's bondage.  The guilty secret that had plagued Spike for over a century, exposed for him to re-live, had given him the opportunity to look upon it as an outsider.  He could finally acknowledge what he had never allowed himself to see before.

He had made a terrible mistake by trying to keep his mother in this world.  Turning her had released a powerful demon in her wake, and it tore into him something fierce.   All these years, he had never forgotten her actions, or the words that she had spoken to him.  Spike had taken it all to heart, causing the feelings of worthlessness, that had haunted him all through his mortal life, to re-awaken in this one.

His heart shattered by her words and horrified at her physical advances, he had killed her.  He had never, until now, let himself believe what he now knew to be the truth of it all.  The words she spat at him were the demon's and not her own.  Her kind spirit was not strong enough to resist the desires of the demon that had merged with her being, and it had enslaved her.  But in destroying it, he had set her free.  She was too good for this world, anyway.

He had been thinking about how ironic it was, that Wood's exploitation of Spike's trigger to avenge his own mother's death had worked against him.  Robin had blamed Spike for his orphaned childhood, no doubt imagining one replaced with happy memories of growing up, being raised and cared for by his loving, dutiful mother who adored him.  Spike had lived out his un-life feeling as though he had been less than dirt from the beginning of his creation, ridiculed and despised by everyone around him, including his own mother!  In the end, they both had new truths to face.

Spike's mother had loved him with all her heart.  In life, he was her world.  Robin always was, and in the end was forever proven to be, second fiddle to Nikki's calling.  And Spike, the nasty vile creature who had taken her life, fair and square, had the pleasure of reminding Wood of that fact.  He hoped that wanker had many a night to chew on that one!

"Well?"  Spike asked her, at long last.  "What is it, then?  Cat got your tongue?"

He assumed that she had come down to lecture him on biting the man, or some other useless nonsense.  He wasn't going to apologize.  Splinter deserved it.  And, what made him think he could take Spike on, anyway?  If his mum couldn't do it, he sure as bloody hell wouldn't be able to!  If nothing else, the egotistical shit deserved it for being so stupid!

Instead, what he heard was...

"I don't have anywhere else to go."

'Oh that's real good Buffy!'  She thought.  'Just jump out with the *oh poor me* statements to the attempted staking victim!'

She blew a stray lock of hair out of her face and tried to find a way to elaborate.

"It's Giles...  He won't...  He wouldn't..."

She wasn't very successful.

'Oh, so that was this is all about.'  Spike thought.  'She needs a bed for the night, and wants mine.'

He nodded his consent,
put out his cigarette and reached for his duster.

"Sure thing."  He replied.  "I'll just take the chair."

He was just beginning to stand, when he felt Buffy's fingers touch his face.  He closed his eyes against the emotions which flooded him at this simple, yet un-expected touch.  He unconsciously turned his face into her hand.

Buffy had been staring at the mark on Spike's cheek.  It was still swollen, although fading, but the fuzzy outline of the cross remained.  A symbol serving as a reminder of self sacrifice for the world, love, and the saving of souls.  But to Spike, who had fought for his soul for love, and was willing to battle for a world that didn't want him, it was a reminder of pain.  To Buffy, it just didn't seem fair.

She traced it's outline with her fingers and felt her heart break just a little, when she saw his eyes close.  It had to hurt still.  And maybe she was wrong to assume such a forward approach with him. He had been through a lot. Not just tonight, but from Buffy, herself.  She had never taken his feelings into account before he had returned, and so it wasn't familiar territory for her now.  Maybe she had no right to touch him at all.

"I'm sorry."

Buffy whispered, to which Spike opened his eyes and met hers with a weary smile and a shrug.

'Of course, she's sorry, you git!'  He thought.  'Leave it to you to get all emotional over nothin like some pimple faced teen-ager.  As if she would have meant anythin' by it, anyway.'

He shrugged, thinking her apology was for taking his bed, and began to step around her when she took hold of his arm.

"Please..."  Buffy began, she worried her bottom lip with her teeth before continuing.  "Don't.  Can we just?...  Would it be alright, if I...  stay here with you?"

Buffy held her breath, waiting to see what he would say.  In that instant, she was terrified.

Spike was terrified!  Part of him wondered if he had imagined her words, but the tremble in her hand and the speed of her heart told him it was true.  His eyes searched hers, once more, and saw the silent plea held within them, as well.

"Are you sure, Love?"  He asked her. He was afraid of bursting this bubble he had managed to float into, but would rather do it now, then end up on the receiving end of her sharp tongue, if he had mis-read her intentions, later.

"Yeah."  She said.

Her expression was so open now, it was almost child-like.

"I don't want to be alone, Spike.  Could you just...  hold me?"

Without another word, he turned and climbed back into bed, scooting back toward the wall, one arm outstretched with the other holding the blankets up to leave Buffy room to climb in beside him.  As she did so, she wrapped both hands around his arm, which now lay under her head, snuggling close with her back to him.  Spike folded his other arm around her and was a little surprised as she removed a hand from his arm to grasp his hand in her own, pulling them both to rest under her chin while one of her feet slipped between his legs, holding them close to her as well.

If Spike's heart could beat, the sound would have been deafening.  There were no words between them, as she slipped into sleep.  Spike remained awake long after, watching her, breathing in her scent, and marveling at the feel of her body against his.

"Goodnight, Love."  He whispered, placing a soft kiss on her cheek as he closed his eyes.  His reflexive breathing matching Buffy's own, as he followed her into sleep.