"Hate To Feel"

"What's Gone Wrong, I Can't See Straight
Been Too Long, So Full Of Hate

What The Fuck Will It Take
Drown Myself In My Wake
Another Shaggy D.A.
Now A Dog, Shake My Leg
Plastic Man, Paper Face
Candy Heart, What A Waste
Gotta Change, Set A Date
Eat My Cake, Lick My Plate

Stare At Me With Empty Eyes And
Point Your Words At Me
Mirror On The Wall Will Show You
What You're Scared To See

I Can See, Yeah - (Wish I Couldn't See At All)
I Can Feel - (Wish I Couldn't Feel At All)
Hate To See - (Wish I Couldn't See At All)
Hate To Feel - (Wish I Couldn't Feel At All)

So Climb Walls,
Thin My Blood Now
And I Crawl, Back To Bed Now

What The Hell, Gotta Rest
Aching Pain In My Chest
Lucky Me, Now I'm Set

Little Bug For A Pet
New Orleans, Gotta Get
Pin Cushion, Medicine
Used To Be Curious
Now The Shit's Sustenance

All This Time I Swore I'd Never
Be Like My Old Man
What The Hay It's Time To Face
Exactly What I Am" Alice In Chains (Hate To Feel "Dirt" 1992)

Buffy sat in her hotel room. Pain and regret filled her very being. She had just told Walter that she didn’t have it in her to deal with a real relationship. It had not been fair to Walter but it was certainly better than leading him on. Now she was faced with the task of calling her friends. There was no way the news she had was going to be received well. Buffy could hear the stuttered denials and angry shouts filling her head already. Some how she would have to make them see.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy picked up the phone and dialed. A part of her praying to anyone who would listen that no one would answer. This was one conversation she did not want to have.

“Rupert Giles speaking.” Came the formal reply once the line had been picked up.

“Giles,” Buffy started as tears filled her eyes once again. “We seriously need to talk. Get the whole gang on the phone. It’s an emergency.”

“Of course Buffy. Hold on.” After waiting five minutes, the original Scoobies were all waiting patiently for the news Buffy’s call would bring them.

“So, Buffy.” Giles started when Buffy remained silent. “What is it that is so urgent?”

“We were so wrong.” Buffy began crying heavily. Tears poured down her cheeks and her breathing became shallow. Images from days before filled her mind. Most prominent was the anguished look in Spike‘s eyes when he told them that he had been in heaven.

“He needed us and we did nothing. I did nothing. I came here and pushed him away for the last time.” Hearing Buffy’s distressed tone over the line broke their hearts. She sounded so broken and none of them could figure out what tragedy could have caused such sorrow to over come the girl they loved so much.

“Buffy, dear.” Giles stated. “What were we wrong about? Who needed us?”

“Spike.” Buffy answered and began to cry even harder.

“SPIKE?!?” Came Xander’s livid shriek over the phone line. “This is all because of Spike? I’ll kill him for this! I knew he would end up hurting Buffy again. I just knew it!”

“XANDER!” Buffy screamed over the phone. “Spike didn’t do anything wrong! I did.”

“Buffy I’m sure you misunderstood…”

“No Giles.” Buffy said, a bit of steel entering her shaky voice. “I was cruel and heartless. Spike needed us. He needed me and I let him down.”

“How could you do that Buffy?” Willow asked truly puzzled. Spike loved Buffy. There was no reason Willow could think of that would cause Spike to be disappointed in Buffy.

“Oh Willow! He’s hurting so much right now and I only made it worse.”

“There is no way Buffy did anything wrong.” Xander exclaimed in deep denial. He simply refused to believe that the woman he looked up to could ever do anything wrong, especially were the bleached freak was concerned.

“But I did!” Buffy sobbed out. “I told him that his death and resurrection didn’t matter because he didn’t go to heaven.”

“Well, Buffy, since Spike did not go to heaven, I fail to see what the problem is.” Giles said, trying to sooth his distressed slayer. He was already plotting ways to get back at Spike for causing Buffy so much unnecessary pain. She had suffered enough loss in her life without the thing bringing her more grief.

“But that’s just it Giles! Spike was in heaven!” Buffy cried. “And now he’s not.”

There was silence on the other end. No one could believe what Buffy had just told them. It was impossible and went against everything that they held true.

“Buffy. Are you certain?” Giles asked, glasses in hand. They probably would have been polished to dust if he had not broken his spare the week before.

“Remember Lorne?” Buffy asked, her voice watery but steady. “He told us that he’s known since Spike came back.”

“Spike actually told Lorne were he had been?” Willow asked, her own voice slightly wavered. She clearly remembered the pain that she had caused her friend and would not wish that suffering on anybody, even Spike.

“No, but Lorne said that Spike didn’t have to tell him. All Lorne claimed he needed was to be in the same room with him.”

“This matter defiantly needs to be looked into.” Giles stated. “Willow contact the coven and see if they can tell us anything. Xander….”

“I’ll help Willow with research.”

“Good. Buffy, I’ll be there as soon as I possibly can.”

“Okay.” Buffy answered. Saying their goodbyes, Buffy hung up her phone. Now if only getting Spike to talk to her was that easy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angel sat lost in thought behind his massive desk. The events of the previous day weighing heavily on his mind. When Buffy had arrive, Angel had been thrilled with her welcome. She had come straight to him and completely ignored Spike. Now, thanks to that irritating menace, Buffy was avoiding Angel and trying to get back into Spike’s good graces. She had even apologized to the little troll! That had been utterly beneath her. Spike should have been grateful that Buffy would even be in the same room as he was. Instead, Spike only responded to her in one word sentences, if he replied at all. Most of the time his entire team, including Buffy’s traitorous little sister, were running interference.

This whole mess just proved to Angel that Spike was a liability. He had probably come up with the whole story just to try and trick everyone into thinking the he was a Champion. The only real Champion in L.A, besides Buffy, was Angel. There was no way Spike could ever be a Champion. He simply was not good enough. Coming to a decision, Angel picked up his phone. Pushing a few numbers, he waited for his call to be connected.

“Eve. Tell the Mystics Department that it’s a go.” Hanging up the phone, Angel smiled. Soon Spike would be a thorn in his side no longer.