Chapter 3 Goodbye

AN* Sorry for the delay folks. I got lost in my AU fic for a while; in fact I still am, but you all deserve an update.

Read and enjoy my friends.


##


Spike could see her thoughts play out in her eyes. She did not want him to go, but she did not want him to stay. She would never think of him they way he wanted her to. She would never come to him for comfort or love. He was not going to prolong this any longer. He would make the decision for her, he would leave.

Turning his back on her was one of the hardest things he had ever done in his life. Every instinct he possessed told him not show his back to the enemy, but for some reason he trusted her to let him go. She had to let him go. He had gone but ten yards, when she called to him.

“Where will you go?”

He stopped in his tracks, and looked down at the grass at his feet. Refusing to turn back and look at her, he lifted his head and stared across the cemetery before he spoke.

“Does it matter, Buffy? In the great scheme of things, does anything matter? All you need to know is that I am out of your hair and you will never have to think of me ever again.”

Immediately on the defensive, the words tumbled from her mouth before she could stop them.

“I don’t think about you now, Spike, so there is no way I will think about you when you’re gone.”

She could see shoulders rise at her words, and she knew she had hurt him. No matter his reaction, she was determined to have her say.

“If you get the chip out, I will hunt you down and kill you no matter where you are.”

He turned then and walked back towards her. The anger on his face was almost a palpable force. Enough was enough.

“Is that right, pet?” he sneeringly asked. “Why would you want to do that, slayer? I won’t be on your patch. I won’t be eating your friends or family or the sweet citizens of Sunnydale. You only kill what’s on the hellmouth, slayer. Ask yourself why you have to leave your precious domain to find me and kill me.”

Staring at him in shock, she realised the truth of his words. Why would she leave Sunnydale to kill him? Away from the hellmouth he was not her responsibility. She continued to stare at him as he continued his tirade.

“Will I tell you why, sweetheart?” The sneer was back in his voice, and she flinched inwardly at his tone. “The reason you would come looking for me, slayer, is that you can no longer control me, and you just love to be in control. You control your friends, your family, your soldier-boy boyfriend, and even your watcher. Christ, Buffy, all you need is a leather corset and a whip and you would make a fortune in the brothels of LA.”

He saw her fist coming, and caught it in his hand. “Truth hurt, does it pet? When you can’t fight back with your mouth, you resort to violence.” He smiled down into her eyes, changing into game face. “My weapon may be locked in a cage just now, slayer, but one day he will be free, and he might just come looking for you.”

Her hand was still caught in his, and she wondered why he did not let her go. She was not frightened, but she could feel an excitement low in her belly. He was close enough for her to smell his unique scent. Leather, cigarettes and danger. Her excitement grew, and she smiled sweetly at him.

“Is that right, Spike?” she unconsciously mirrored his words. “Well your weapon has never managed to kill me before, so what makes you think it will manage it next time. God, you are so pathetic, do you know that? You think you can threaten me with words, when we both know that you will NEVER take me down. Better than you have tried, Spike, and I’m still standing.”

Spike threw her fist away before he changed back to his human façade. “Maybe you’re right in what you say, slayer, but there are more nasties out there than you think. To you we’re all monsters who need to be killed. Well let me tell you this, pet, to us YOU are the monster who needs to be killed; and one day, probably in the not too distant future, one of us will do it. One day, some real nasty bastard will have his real good day.”

She hated this. Hated how right he always was. Hated how much she let his words get to her. Hated how much she relied on his strength, his wit and his presence. Hated how much she wanted him to stay.

“Go.” She flung at him in a petulant voice. “Just go, now, before I lose my temper and stake you.”

Spike laughed at sky before dropping his eyes back to hers.

“I’ve been trying to leave for hours, pet, you’re the one holding me back.”

Her hands pummelled his chest in frustration. She was not using her slayer strength, she was just hitting him like the frightened girl she was. Spike knew she wanted him to stay, but he was just as determined to leave. He had to.

Lifting his arms, he wrapped her against his body. She let her head fall against his chest, and revelled in the feeling of comfort she found in the vampire’s arms. Her arms stretched around his back, hugging him tightly.

“Don’t go, Spike,” she whispered against his chest. “Please don’t go. Everyone leaves me, but you never leave me. Please stay here with me.”

Her words almost broke him. He knew it would take very little to make him stay, but he knew he still had to go. She might need him to help her fight the good fight, but she would never love him.

He needed her to love him.

“I can’t stay, sweetheart, and we both know it,” he whispered into her hair.

Buffy’s face was still against his chest, and he could feel her tears wet his chest through his shirt. “Why?” she asked simply.

Spike moved one hand into her hair, and gently pulled her back to face him. Staring down into her eyes, he knew the time had come to tell her the truth. If she staked him, then so be it. If she could not let him leave, then she might kill him to put him out of his misery.

“I love you, Buffy. I love you more than I have ever loved anything or anyone in my life, but I know you will never love me. I can’t be anywhere near you anymore, sweetheart. I lived a hundred years with a woman who never loved me, and I just can’t go through that again.”

Buffy could hardly believe his words. Her mother had been right, he really did love her. He had stayed loyal to her because he loved her. It wasn’t the chip them kept him under control, it was his love for her. She could see the truth of it in his eyes.

“You love me?” She asked wonderingly. “But you don’t have a soul, Spike, you can’t love me.”

Spike continued to stare into her eyes as he spoke.

“Peaches really did a number on you, luv, didn’t he? Of course vampires love, Buffy.” He pulled her down to the ground, lifting her to sit on his lap. She burrowed closer into him, and he knew he would keep this memory in his heart forever. “What you can’t understand is how Peaches hated you when he lost the soul. When we become vampires, luv, our demons feed on the type of person we were before the turning. Me, I was a pathetic git and the demon tried to change me into what it wanted to be. In Peaches case, he was an evil bastard before his turning, and his demon just made him worse.”

His hand was gently stroking her hair as he held her to his chest. “Listen to me, sweetheart, and listen well. I want you to go back to your little bed tonight and think about what I’m trying to tell you here.”

Her breath was tickling his neck, and he willed his body to stay in control. She had never been so close to him since Red’s spell, and he missed her, but he had to tell her some home truths before he left.

“The first thing Angelus did when he was turned was to kill his entire family. He travelled Europe as Darla’s plaything for over a hundred years before he turned Dru. His demon revelled in torture and pain, Buffy. He did not care how much he hurt his victims before he killed them. When Dru turned me, he spent twenty years making me the monster I am. I won’t tell you what he did to me kitten; because I don’t think you will believe me.”

He drew breath then. The slayer lay trembling in his arms, her tears silently running down her face. Lifting both hands to the sides of her face, he turned her to him.

“I doubt if Angel loved you either, Buffy. The man and the demon may not be the same, but the demon is always there. A soul can’t control him, luv, only the type of vampire you become can control your demon.”

The look of confusion on her face broke his heart. He was right; she would never understand why Angelus could not love her as Angel had. Angelus’ actions had burned her psyche so badly, that he doubted she would ever recover. If Angel had stood before them at that moment, he would cheerfully have staked the bastard. Taking pity on the confused girl in his arms, he drew her close to his body for comfort.

“I know you don’t understand me, luv. All I ask is that you think about what I’ve tried to tell you tonight.”

Buffy held on to him tightly. She held him in place on the grass, determined to make him stay. If he loved her as much as he said, surely he would stay.

“If you love me, Spike, why can’t you stay?” her small voice drifted to his ears.

“You know why, kitten. I’ve just explained to you why. Every day I see you, luv, I will love you more. Knowing you will never love me in return would be worse that any torture Angelus dished out. I have to go. I have to become the best man I can be, and if that means leaving you behind then that’s what I have to do.”

Buffy lifted her arms to his neck and wrapped them around him. “Will you do one thing for me before you leave, Spike?”

Nodding his head, he wondered what she wanted him to do.

“Will you kiss me?” she asked simply. “Kiss me like you did when we were under Willow’s spell.”

“Oh no, Buffy. I won’t kiss you, pet.” He laughed and dropped his forehead to hers.

“Why?” she breathed, her breath tickling his lips.

Taking a long drag of air he did not need to calm his emotions, he whispered against her mouth.

“Because if I kiss you, sweetheart, I will never leave and you know it. You really pull out the big guns when you want something, don’t you luv? I love you so much pet, that if I kiss that sweet mouth of yours I won’t be able to stop. My demon wants you too, Buffy, and if I kiss you the way I want to kiss you, he will try to make me claim you. Both the man and the monster want you, luv, and I don’t think I would be able to control him.”

Buffy smiled and nodded her head.

“I hear your words, Spike, but I don’t believe them. You were always stronger than the demon inside you, and you won’t let him out when we kiss.” It was then she said the words that would keep him going through long days and nights. “I trust you, Spike.”

Why did she say she trusted him? Why did she say the words that he longed to hear? She had not said she loved him, but it was as close as he would ever come to feeling hope. He was still thinking over her words, when her mouth drifted to his.

Nipping and licking at his closed mouth, her eyes closed with emotion. She moved her mouth slowly over his, and wondered why he kept his mouth closed. When she pushed her tongue past his lips, she could not believe the strong feeling of want in her heart.

The moment her tongue was in his mouth, he was lost. Opening his mouth beneath hers, he kissed her with all the love in his heart. Their tongues mated, warm against cold, alive against dead. Drawing her closer to him, he manoeuvred them to lie against each other on the cold earth.

Let her breathe, let her breathe. The mantra went round and round his head. He was scared to remove his lips from hers in case she wanted to stop the kiss, but he had to let her breathe. Her arousal was perfuming the air around him, and his dick swelled against his jeans in response. Moving his lips to her neck, he gently nipped and sucked till he was sure she had filled her lungs before returning his lips to hers.

His hands were busy on her body. All the things he had wanted to do under Red’s spell were happening now. His hands ghosting over her pert breasts till he felt the nipples push against his hand. Finally lifting his lips from her mouth, he placed gentle kisses over her face and neck before moving lower to suck her nipple through the fabric of her shirt.

Buffy moaned into the night. Head thrown back against the grass beneath her, she pushed her breast further into his mouth. Clothes, she thought, clothes were becoming an issue. Spike had the same thought, and gently moved his hand under her shirt as he suckled. Her heat scalded him as he traced a path to her breast. Her skin, soft as satin, slid under his fingers. Her perfumed arousal made the demon want to come out and play, only his self-control kept it in check.

Experienced fingers found the front fastening of her bra, and he quickly made short work of the clasp. Impatient to bare her to his mouth, he heard her shirt rip under his hands.

Slow down, he told himself. Her hot aroused body was writhing against him, but he knew he had to slow down. She may be lost in the throes of passion, but she might just kill him if he ripped any more of her clothes.

When her hot hand tightened over his erection through his jeans, he was lost. She wanted him as much as he wanted her, and for now that would be enough. Moving his mouth from her breast he lifted himself over her.

“Gotta taste you, Buffy.”

Stiffening under him, Buffy looked at him with a frightened look in her eyes. Spike immediately understood her reaction, and smiled at her. “Not your neck, sweetheart. I want to taste you here.” As she spoke his fingers found her through her leather pants. He rubbed her slowly up and down, pushing harder against her clit with each stroke. “Let me taste your cunny, pet. I’ll make you come so hard, Buffy, you’ll see stars. Please, sweetheart, let me do this for you.”

No one had ever done that to her. She had read about it in books of course, but she had never experienced it. Too shy to ask her lovers to go down on her, she had kept her desires to herself. Her arousal grew ten-fold at the thought.

“I’ve never done that, Spike.” She told him hesitantly. “I don’t know what to do.”

His heart swelled at her words. So all the pricks she had slept with had never seen to her properly. He would use all the tricks he had to make her want this. The fact that he would be her first to make her come that way, made his dick swell painfully against his zip.

“That right, pet.” He whispered against her mouth. “You just lie back kitten, and let Spike show you how it’s done.”

While she was still digesting his words, he quickly moved down her body to remove her leather pants. He slowly dragged them down, sensuously stroking her legs as he did so. Carefully he removed her boots and pushed her pants from her legs.

He knelt in reverence between her open legs. She was lying before him, breasts bare and glistening from his mouth. Moving his eyes lower, he stared at her cleanly shaven pussy, shining in the moonlight with her need for him. He was transfixed by the sight.

Puffs of night air, soft as a baby’s breath, tickled her mound. She was so near the edge just from his kisses that her pussy was sensitive to any sensation. Without thought, she started to move her hips as if trying to make the breeze touch her. The sight of her vampire staring at her with a look of reverence on his face aroused her even more.

“Have you any idea how beautiful you are, Buffy. Do you know how much I want to put my mouth on you? Can’t you feel how much I want you? God, woman, you could make me come like a schoolboy just by looking at you and smelling you.”

As he said the words, Spike slowly moved his hands up the inside of her thighs, opening her wider to his gaze. When his fingers made contact with the outer lips of her cunny, her body twitched wildly, and she moaned at him.

“Don’t look at it, Spike. Touch it, rub it, lick it. Do something to it for Christ’s sake. I’m fucking dying here.”

Chuckling at her tirade, he lowered his head and slowly licked her from the edge of her tight little hole to her clit. He taste exploded on her tongue like sherbet. She tasted of life and power and of the sweetest peaches he had ever eaten. One taste would never be enough. It was time to make her his feast.

He was lying flat on his stomach, his hands holding her legs wide as his mouth devoured her. Over and over he licked his way around her hole, pushing his tongue inside to fuck her with it. He was determined not to touch her clit too soon. If he wanted to make this last, he had to keep up the pressure.

He turned his head sideways and mouthed her as if giving her a kiss. She was writhing beneath him, and if he did not have the strength to match her own, he was sure he would have been dead by now. She would have crushed him to death with her legs.

Buffy had never felt anything like it. One moment his tongue was soft and loving on her and the next it was hard; pushing inside her like a dick. Over one hundred years of experience was between her legs and he was using every trick he knew to keep her on the edge.

She was whimpering with the need to come. Incoherent sounds were coming from her lips, and she could not control it. He was taking higher than she had ever been in her life, and she never wanted it to end. Toes curling and legs shaking, she begged him to let her come.

Her wish was his command. Moving his mouth to her clit, he sucked hard as he flicked his tongue quickly over her nub. Determined to increase her pleasure to new heights, he hummed against her. Two fingers pushed inside her and he tuned his wrist to find her little bundle of nerves. He knew he found it when she screamed her release to the skies.

She was still coming back to earth, when she heard Spike’s zipper. Watching him through her post-orgasmic haze, she marvelled at the size of him. His dick was dripping with pre-cum and the head was purple with need. Fascinated, she lifted her hand to stroke him. His dick was warmer than she thought it would be, but the feel of velvet covered steel held her in a thrall. Her eyes lifted to his face and she watched his eyes close as he pushed his hips into her moving hand.

If she kept this up, he was going to come. Although it would be wonderful, he had waited too long to be inside her. Deliberately moving back from her touch, he noticed her pout at him. Unable to resist, he lowered his mouth to hers and sucked her lower lip into his mouth. “Can’t resist that lip, Buffy. Just gotta take it.”

He continued his assault on her mouth as he pushed into her slowly. It was like nothing he had ever felt before. Her slick heat clenched round him and held him secure. He could feel the walls of her cunny ripple against him as he moved, and it took all his will-power not to come immediately. Determined to make this last for both of them, he slowly pumped in and out; all the while kissing her deeply.

Lifting his mouth from her lips, he started to suckle her neck. He could taste the sweetness of her sweat, and the blood pulsing though her veins called to his demon. Face flickering between the man and the demon; he continued to thrust inside her. Scared to lift his face from her shoulder and let her see him in demon form, he buried his head into her neck.

Buffy moaned with each thrust. Never in her short experience had anyone been so deep inside her. She could feel him touch her cervix with each thrust, and the sensations rippled through her. Screaming for him to go deeper, she tilted her hips into his to catch his rhythm. Her nails, raking down his back as she tried to pull him deeper inside, were leaving trails of blood in their wake. She no longer knew where she stopped and he began.

Faster and deeper he thrust. He moved his hands to her legs and bent them back towards her shoulders to allow him better access. Still he would not lift his face from her neck; he could not shake the demon away.

Closer and closer to the edge, Buffy knew what she had to do. Kissing and sucking at his neck, she could feel how close they both were. Before she could stop herself, she bit hard into his neck and tasted his blood.

Spike roared into the moonlit night. His demon reacted immediately to the bite, and his fangs pierced her skin. As her sweet blood poured down his throat, Spike knew he was lost forever. He had tasted the blood of two slayers, but nothing prepared him for the taste of Buffy’s blood. Hot, sweet and scented with her arousal, it tasted like the sunshine he had lost over a hundred years before. When he felt the walls of her pussy close around him in orgasm, he came hard inside her.

It took every ounce of self-will to stop him, or the demon, laying claim to her. Although she had allowed him inside her, he knew she would not want to be his mate. Claiming was a life-long bond, and in her heart she still loved Peaches. He did not want to be her lapdog, he wanted to be hers.

Exhausted and spent, the lovers clung to each other in the moonlight. Slowly Spike removed his softening dick from Buffy, and rolled to his side pulling her with him. She cuddled into his chest, and sighed against his skin. Her hot breath was turning him on again, but he knew she was too tired for another round.

“Happy luv?” he whispered into her hair.

She rubbed her cheek against his chest like a cat. “Mmmm” was all she could say. She had never felt so satisfied in her life, and it was thanks to the vampire holding her preciously to him.

His love for her radiated from him in waves, but he was right. She would never love him the way he wanted her to. She would never share his life the way someone in love should. Inside she knew she would only use him and even though he was a vampire, she could not be so cruel.

Spike could feel her start to draw away from him. She had not moved from his arms, yet still he knew she was looking for the river in Egypt. It would not matter how good he made her feel, she would just be his dirty little secret, and he knew he was better than that.

He decided he would make it simple for her. There would be no choice, no recriminations and no post-mortem. This encounter was over for both of them and it would never be repeated. Reluctantly, he let her go and stood to get dressed. She lay for a few moments on the grass, simply watching him.

She knew he would not stay.

“You’re leaving now, aren’t you Spike?” she asked as she stood up to dress.

He paused for a moment before he pulled his tee-shirt over his head. Tucking his tee-shirt inside his jeans, he tilted his head and gently smiled at her.

“This changes nothing, Buffy. We had fantastic sex. No, scratch that, we just had the best sex of my un-life, but it still changes nothing. You will never love me, Buffy, and I deserve to be loved.”

She stood stock-still and stared at him. Lifting his red button-down shirt, he placed it gently around her shoulders. She let him place her arms through the sleeves, and did not move as he gently fastened the buttons.

“Can’t have you going home with a torn shirt, can we luv” he chided her. Still she did not move, and when he lifted his head from his task and looked into her eyes, they shone with tears.

“Where will you go?” she asked in a tiny voice.

Spike pulled her to his chest and spoke into her neck. “I don’t know yet, luv. I just know I can’t stay here without your love.” Lifting his head from her neck, he placed a gentle kiss on her tear-wet lips. “I love you, Buffy. I will always love you. But I can’t stay here and be close to you every day knowing you will never love me back. Now we’ve made love, I want you even more then before, and that will just break me.”

She flung her arms around his neck, and clung to him. “Please don’t go, Spike. Stay here with me. Maybe one day…..”

He stopped her with a kiss. “Don’t say it, Buffy. We both know you don’t mean it. After all we’ve said and done tonight leave me to go with some respect. Don’t make me beg at your table for a crumb. No man deserves that.”

Hurt made her angry. She did not love him, but she did feel something for him. She had given him her body, let him taste her blood and shown him her trust. He was still going to leave her.

“Just go then, Spike. Leave and never come back. If I see your face in Sunnydale again, I will stake you sorry ass.”

Spike smiled at her and leaned in for one last kiss. She clung and clung to him as if she would never let him go, but he knew she would hate him in the morning. Once she had thought over all the things he said, and remembered all the things they had done, she would hate him.

“Go home, slayer. Apologise to your mum and nibblet for shouting at them then go to bed. Don’t look for me, luv, I won’t be here. There’s a new demon moved into my crypt and I want you to promise that you won’t stake him. His name’s Clem and the only live thing he eats is kittens.”

She would not let him go. Her arms were around his neck in a vice like grip, and it took everything he had to pull them from him.

“Please slayer, let me go. You know I’m right about this. Promise me you’ll never look for me and promise me you won’t stake Clem.” He held her head in his hands and stared into her eyes for the last time. “I love you, Buffy.” His mouth covered hers and they kissed for what seemed like forever.

“Goodbye, sweetheart. Think nice thoughts about me when I’m gone.”

Buffy still stood with her eyes closed for his kiss when she felt him move away from her. She kept her eyes closed for a few moments longer. She did not want to see him walk out of her life like so many men before. When she was sure he had gone, she opened her eyes and started to dress.

There was no sign of him. All she had left was his red shirt wrapped around her frame. The soft silk caressed her skin, and she could almost feel him hold her.

He would come back, she told herself. He always came back. He loved her and would not be able to stay away for long. There was nothing to worry about, Spike would come back.

And when he did, she would tell him that she loved him.


The End.

Review and let me know if you want him to come back.