Chapter 4: Trying to Help

“Will, if this is a guilt trip thing, you really don’t have to,” Buffy said. If she had to sit and listen to Willow say how sorry she was one more time, she’d rather go without the coffee.

“It’s not. It’s a… an ‘I wanna hang out like we used to’ thing,” Willow explained, settling at the table at the Espresso Pump. “You’ve been… distant.”

“I know. It’s just…”

“Hard?”

Buffy nodded, and Willow held back a sigh. She took a sip of her mocha, and steeled her nerves for the conversation. “You’re my best friend, Buffy. I wish we… I just – don’t like to see you withdraw so much, is all.”

“I don’t mean to.” She sounded sincerely apologetic. Whatever Giles’ intentions had been in sending her to fight the dragon, getting thrown off a cliff really had made her realize that she didn’t want to die. She knew that wouldn’t instantly make her fall in love with life, but at least she was making a conscious effort to live again. If there was one thing Buffy had learned in the weeks since her resurrection, it was that she had to keep making the conscious decision to go on living, every day, over and over. The big moment of epiphany didn’t mean anything unless she started living her life like she meant it. “I guess I’m just not sure how to… you know.”

“You need to get back in the real world.” Willow looked across the table nervously as Buffy stirred her coffee. “There’s this guy in my Roman Civilization class. His name is Jacob…”

“No! No guys. Me and guys don’t go well together. Totally un-mixy.” The last thing she needed now was another stressful relationship.

Willow’s eyes widened innocently. “Girls, then?”

Buffy shot her a look. “No. Not that I’m knocking your lifestyle, Will. I just need a lot less complicated in my life right now.”

“But the only people you see are us, and Giles, and Spike.”

Buffy took note of the fact that Giles was no longer included in “us,” but that thought was overwhelmed by the twinge she felt at Spike’s name, reminiscent of the “steaming English goodness” tingles. She ignored it, hoping it didn’t register on her face.

If it did, Willow didn’t notice it. “It’ll be good for you to get out, meet some new people.”

“I get out. I was just at the Bronze the other night.”

Willow put on her stern face. “You were patrolling the outside, Buffy. I’m talking about being inside, you know, dancing, music, fun… no killing?”

Buffy sighed. Willow was right. She hadn’t been having any fun lately. She wasn’t sure she could, when all she could think about was being ripped from that peaceful place she’d been in. But here she was, living again, and if she was going to have a life, she might as well do it right.

“Okay. If I let you fix me up with history boy, will you stop nagging?” And more importantly, she thought to herself, will you stop feeling guilty about bringing me back?

“Yes,” said Willow. “No pressure, just going to the Bronze. If you don’t like him, you can make up some excuse and go kill vampires.”

*****

Buffy slammed the vampire into a fire escape, feeling a sense of satisfaction as she did it. “I have to say,” she quipped, drawing out her stake, “I'm impressed that you’ve made it this far… in that outfit.” She took a moment to fully appreciate the baby blue polyester leisure suit, complete with flared pants, wide-collared paisley shirt, and platform shoes.

Disco Vamp attacked again and she parried him off with a spin kick. Recovering his balance, the vamp grabbed a metal trash can lid and tried to hit Buffy over the head with it. She ducked and shoved it back in his face, where it connected with a clang. “Seriously, dusting this get up?” Her stake found home and her victim poofed before she could finish her quip. “No great loss to the fashion world.”

Pocketing her stake, she headed out of the alley toward Main Street, where she was supposed to meet Xander for dinner. Her friends were really taking this “make Buffy feel loved” thing to heart. Coffee dates with Willow, movie nights with her and Tara at their apartment, dinners with Xander, Magic Box inventory with Anya. She almost felt like she had a social life. Except for the inventory thing. That felt a lot like work.

And what the heck was this blind date thing Willow was on about? Where did that come from? If they were trying to make her feel better, they really ought to look at her dating history. Not exactly the most inspiring record there. “When I kiss you, I want to die” – probably not the motivator Will was looking for.

She realized with a start that it’d been almost a year since she’d dated anyone, almost a year since Riley had left. Of course, she’d been dead for nearly half of that time, but maybe Willow was right. Maybe she should be moving on.

Moving on to what? she asked herself. I’m not still… I’m totally over Riley. I just… haven’t found anyone new yet.

She hadn’t exactly been looking, what with the being dead, and then the being alive but wishing she was dead. The only person she’d really been around was Spike…

And so not going there. That way lies badness. Tingly feelings or not, soulless vampires were incredibly off-limits, even nice harmless ones that took care of your sister and made you tea and listened to your problems and saved your life. She’d let herself go enough to be friend with him, and that would make it hard enough, if the chip ever stopped working and she was forced to stake him. If they were involved… God, it’d be like Angel losing his soul all over again. He couldn’t ask her to go through that again. Not if he loved her like he said he did.

So yes, she’d be sticking to nice human guys from now on. She’d have preferred to pick them herself, but hey, if it got Willow off her back, let her think she was helping, what’s a date or two with what’s-his-name?

*****

“Xander?”

“Yeah?” Xander replied, as he examined the lumber in front of him.

Buffy glanced around, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “This looks suspiciously like a hardware store.”

“Yes. Buffy, meet Home Depot.”

“You promised me dinner. Where’s my Chinese food?”

“The Chinese place is right down the street. I just wanted to check some prices. Willow’s got me building a bookshelf for the new apartment.”

“Willow’s just full of bright ideas lately, isn’t she?” Buffy kicked petulantly at a pile of wood planks.

Xander raised his eyebrows at her. “What’s that mean?”

“Will thought it would be a great idea if I went on a blind date.”

Xander nodded. “Jacob the study buddy.”

Buffy’s jaw dropped. “Please tell me you weren’t in on this, too.”

He held his hands up in a gesture of innocence. “Hey, this was all Willow’s idea. I suggested a book club.”

“A book club? What am I, your pet project now? Did you guys have another intervention and forget to invite me or something?”

“No! Buff, it was nothing like that. We were just talking and… we want to make things better for you. Spend time with you, that kind of thing.”

Buffy’s anger dissipated somewhat. At least her friends cared about her. “Xander, really, I’m okay.”

“You sure? Because you didn’t seem too okay a week ago.”

“I know. I… was trying not to deal. It was an escape.” She looked at him intently. “But I’m past that now. Feet firmly planted in the land of the living. No more excessive drinking, no more avoiding you guys…”

“No more Spike?”

“Sorry,” Buffy said with a grin. “Don’t think I could get rid of him if I wanted to. Dawn’s gotten pretty attached.”

“Buff, I dunno…”

“I know, I know. Vampire, big bad. I get it, really, I do. But he can protect her. And, it’s weird, but… he’s so good with her.”

“Yeah,” said Xander, still unconvinced. “Listen, Buff. Just… do this thing for Willow, okay? I know it seems stupid, and backwards, and probably not what you want right now, but she – she’s really trying to help you. And she’s trying to do it without magic, and it wouldn’t hurt to encourage that, you know?”

She nodded, and he patted her on the arm and started walking away from the lumber. “C’mon, I’m all done here. Let’s get you some Chinese food.”

“Yay!” Buffy scampered after him like a kid. “Seriously,” she said, once she’d caught up. “A book club?” Xander looked sheepish. “I mean, do you know me at all?”

He smiled and shrugged. “Coulda been a video club instead.”

*****

In the car on the way home, Buffy asked, “Hey, Xand, what are you doing tomorrow night?”

“Helping Anya out at the Magic Box. Big shopping day for lovers of the supernatural. What about the Buffster?” He glanced over at her. “Guess it’s a slow night for you, huh? All the real monsters stay in on Halloween.”

She smirked. “You know, you say that now, but then there’s gonna be somebody who just has to turn us all into our costumes or call up some wee Irish fear demon or something.”

“Man, doesn’t evil ever take a day off?”

Buffy just rolled her eyes. “Yeah. As of now, I’m planning to sit at home and give out candy like any normal person. But Dawn wants to go to this party at Janice’s, so I might be spying – I mean, patrolling. You know, around the house. Just in case.”

Xander chuckled. “Dawn must love having you arou–”

“Stop the car!” Buffy ordered, as something caught her eye passing one of Sunnydale’s many cemeteries.

“What?”

“Stop it!”

Xander pulled over and followed Buffy, who was out of the car almost before it had stopped moving. His face hardened as he saw who was at the finish line of the Slayer’s 50-yard dash.

“What the hell are you doing?” she demanded of the vampire who was casually twirling an axe way too close to her little sister.

The axe stopped spinning and Spike shrugged. “Thought I’d get a little patrol in before you came home.”

Buffy’s eyes narrowed. “With Dawn?”

“Yeah…” Spike’s reply was hesitant. Oh, yeah, he was in for it now.

“You took my sister patrolling?!” Buffy’s voice had reached a screechy level that almost shook Spike’s cool. Almost.

“She’s fine, Slayer. Won’t let the nasties get to her.”

“You guys all went out patrolling every night when you were my age,” Dawn said, still partially concealed behind Spike’s leather duster to avoid her sister’s wrath.

Buffy glared at her. “Yeah, well, technically, you're only a year old.” Dawn grumbled, but thought it best not to argue. “Spike, I asked you to watch Dawn to keep her out of trouble,” Buffy continued, redirecting her ire toward the evil dead, “not get her in it.”

“She’s not in any trouble, Slayer. And who knows, she might even learn a thing or two about how to defend herself.” Spike raised his eyebrows, challenging her. Way he figured, Dawn was old enough to start learning these things, and if Buffy wouldn’t teach her, somebody had to.

“She doesn’t need to defend herself. That’s what you’re supposed to be here for.”

Having observed the whole exchange silently, Xander couldn’t resist throwing a jibe in under his breath. “What was that you were saying about Spike being good with your sister?” He said it quietly, but Spike would have heard it even without vampire hearing.

He glared at Xander with a mixture of disgust and annoyance. “Oh, what do you know about it? Sodding wanker.”

“Bite me,” Xander said without thinking. Spike just sneered at his unfortunate choice of comeback. “That wasn’t a suggestion,” Xander quickly warned him.

“Dawn, get in the car,” said Buffy. “We’re going home.” She stopped Spike in his tracks with a look that clearly said, “Not you.” Their eyes met for a moment, then he shrugged and resumed his axe-twirling as he headed back through the cemetery.

“Just trying to help,” he muttered.