“Denial”


"Bloody hell. Between you and Buffy, it's a wonder I haven't been robbed blind," Giles groused as he easily turned the knob on the door to his flat, stepping into the well-lit living room. Spike closed the door behind them, locking it.

"All better now?"

Giles gave Spike a look of annoyance at the rhetorical and somewhat sarcastic question before heading into the kitchen to make a pot of tea.

"’M surprised, you know."

"About what, exactly?" Giles asked as the vampire sat down at the bar, watching him prepare the tea.

"That you'd have me back here, after..." Giles leaned on the counter top, staring at Spike in confusion as his words trailed off. The vampire made a scrunched up face at Giles before pointing his left index finger at his noggin. "Surely Harris told you about the malfunction."

"Oh." The chip. "Yes, he did. It just... slipped my mind somehow."

Spike snorted. "Yeah—Slayer gives an order, and everything else goes out the soddin' window, right? Not that you needed to worry, anyway. I won't do anything. We're like old mates, right?" He said the last part a bit sarcastically, though Giles could tell from the sudden drumming of his fingertips on the Formica that he was nervous about his response.

"I suppose," Giles mused. "We...have spent quite a bit of time together, haven't we?" the Watcher admitted with a quiet chuckle.

"Oh. Right, then."

"But tell me, Spike. What Buffy said earlier, about that vampire biting her...was it true?"

Spike met Giles' unwavering stare with one of his own. It lasted all of twenty seconds before Spike sighed, looking away.

"Bugger."

"It was quite obvious the two of you were lying. I just don't understand why she would—"

"Me neither. Couldn't for the life of me figure why."

"And what of you, Spike? Just what was it you were doing?" Giles asked coldly, his fatherly emotions for his charge overriding his curiosity.

"I...dunno, actually. I was just...Say, isn't the more important question why'd she cover for me? Or why she didn't bother to stop me?"

"She didn't...who stopped you, then?"

"Me. I stopped me. She just, well, waited."

"Then why were you on the ground?"

"When I stopped, she pushed me. But, before that... I just hope she doesn't..." Spike swallowed, glancing at Giles worriedly.

"Doesn't what?"

"Have a death wish."

"A what? What makes you say that?"

"A slayer always has a death wish, sooner or later. But Buffy—she shouldn't. Not now. She's got her mum, bratty kid sis, you, her damn Scoobies... there's no reason she should wanna kick it now."

"A slayer always has a death wish?" Giles asked, incredulous. "And you know this because..." He trailed off at the sharp arch of Spike's scarred eyebrow, then suddenly whipped off his glasses and looked away.

"I have a personal knowledge on slayers. Remember, Rupes?" Spike asked casually.

Giles turned his back on him, completely baffled at the news. Spike, the Slayer of Slayers, had Buffy within his grasp, his fangs embedded in her throat, and did not drink from her. More importantly, she did nothing to stop the vampire. She had lied to him, in fact, in order to save Spike.

Why would she trust him? Protect him?

Giles mentally slapped himself as he abruptly turned around, realizing he was doing the exact same thing.

Maybe Spike just has that effect on people.

"It wasn't the first time, you know," Spike said, interrupting Giles from his reverie.

"What?"

"A few weeks back, when I thought my chip was out, I pounced on her, literally, and she just lay there, waiting for me to bite her."

"What?!" Giles exclaimed. "When was this?"

"You know, when Finn," he said derisively, "needed that surgery or what all. I took the doctor who planned to do it, and tried to make him take my chip out. At first the wanker wouldn't, saying it might cause me brain damage. Of course eventually he pretended he did, and I thought I was free. Buffy came in, words were exchanged, and then I just jumped her. She just lay there as I gripped her shoulders, and didn't even attempt to stop me. I found out he left it in when I tried to bite her, of course."

"She...Buffy never told me," he whispered, grief and worry overcoming him at what exactly state of mind Buffy had been in lately. He walked over to his desk and pulled open the top drawer, taking out a bottle of bourbon, holding it absentmindedly as he became lost in thought.

When Dracula had tried to control her, Buffy had staked him twice and ran him out of town. An anonymous vampire staked her, and she sought out Spike to find a way to prevent her death from occurring by learning of previous slayers' downfalls. But with Spike— she lied for him, and let him go unharmed. In fact, she demanded that Giles make sure that he remained safe.

The question was...why?

~~~~~

After patiently waiting for Riley to be stitched up, Xander was finally allowed to see him. He knocked tentatively on the door before entering the sterilized room. He saw Riley lying on the hospital bed on his stomach, fists clenched in front of him.

Xander sighed, hands shoved deep into his pockets as he entered, saying “hey” softly.

Riley didn’t even bother to glance in his direction.

Xander refused to let the silence ensue. Once he had helped Riley to the back seat of his car, realizing that the wounded ex-soldier was unable to sit in the front seat, Riley had remained quiet for the entire ride to the hospital. Xander needed to know what happened back there, and he wanted to know if Riley was okay.

He also needed to know if Buffy was well on her way to the crazy house. ‘Cause allowing Spike to just walk away? So not of the good.

“And here I thought the ride over would be what was super awkward. Look man, I don’t know what to—”

“She didn’t choose me,” Riley interrupted quietly.

“Well Buff, she um…what happened, exactly? I mean, why would she just—”

“I don’t know,” Riley lied, not wanting to discuss any of it.

Xander’s eyes lit up, a thought suddenly occurring to him that made the evening’s events make an iota of sense.

"Thrall. That's the only thing that makes any kind of sense in explaining why my best friend all of a sudden went wacky, letting the evil dead get away with that. Even if it is just Spike. And my god, he's un-chipped," Xander said, suddenly remembering Spike’s currently unleashed status.

Riley shifted away from Xander, feeling uncomfortable.

"I don't want to talk about it—not now."

Not ever Riley thought, shifting away. He desperately hoped Xander would leave soon.

Xander nodded, assuming that Riley's recent traumatic experience was solely what was causing him to suddenly shut down.

"I understand, Riley. I swear I'll get to the bottom of this."

Riley exhaled in relief once the brunette left. He didn't feel like trying to explain the day's events to him. Hell, he could hardly explain it to himself. He just wished it was all over—that he could push it all away and just focus on something else.

He was fairly certain that his and Buffy's relationship would never make it through all this. In all honesty, he was too scared to even try. He was tired of being second best, living in her shadow...

Riley Finn would not be a disposable sidekick to anyone.

And throwing on top of all that the whole Spike situation…

He couldn’t face them all if they knew—or rather, when they all found out. More than likely no one would understand where he was coming from. Buffy, Willow and Xander had all previously dated demons, after all, and were blinded to their true natures. Even Giles had been tempted by Dracula’s harem of vampires, knowing full well what they were, and not being held under their control by a spell.

It was all so…mind boggling.

Demons were absolutely not in any shape or form human—that’s what it all came down to. Why couldn’t they all understand that?

He reached for the phone, dialing the memorized digits.

"Graham? It's me."

His decision had been made as to what he would do next.

~~~~~~

Oh god. It wasn't true. Spike was just suffering from emotional trauma.

I saw it in his eyes.

No—no. Harmony absolutely did not see anything in Spike's eyes.

Harmony was totally clueless, and probably way off base.

Definitely off base. She probably saw loathing. Maybe fear...

Then how come he didn't kill you?

Buffy growled in frustration as she stalked to the cemetery gates.

"He feels nothing for me, and I feel absolutely nothing for him."

Yuh huh. ‘Cause you always lie to Giles in order to save the guy you hate. A vampire, no less, who’s tried to kill you on several occasions.

Okay, to be fair, "hate" was a fairly strong word. Funny how he went from annoying, chipped vamp who wanted to kill her on occasion, but was no real threat, to now being a vampire whom she feared. And yes, at that moment, the thought of Spike did inspire a certain fear in her.

All it took was for her to hear of his potential feelings for her.

Which is completely ludicrous because Spike doesn't— can’t have feelings, being soulless and all.

But god, did he look incredibly emotional all day today.

Buffy stopped, realizing how much like a bigot she sounded right in that moment. Deep down, she knew that Spike in fact had feelings. She knew it...but it made it incredibly easier to just simplify it all.

And keep him at a distance. Face it—acknowledging Spike's ability to care makes you think of Angelus, and how much he didn't. It's just so...scary. The fact that Spike can care, can love more than some people is terrifying.

Buffy shook her head, attempting to clear it of all mental cobwebs. She couldn't focus on Spike right now and the possibility of him having feelings for her. And more importantly, what covering for him meant as to what her feelings (or lack thereof—definite lackage of intimate feelings for Spike) were.

She decided to go see Riley first.

She didn't know what was going to happen, or what she was going to say, but she knew it needed to be done and over with.

Tonight.

She was so lost in her thoughts, she didn't even notice arriving at the hospital, or requesting a visitor's pass for Riley's room.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy opened the door to his room, and saw him lying on his side, staring at her intently.

"Didn't expect you to come here," he admitted quietly.

"Of course I would. I mean...We need to talk."

Riley frowned at her, shifting sideways a bit more to see her better. Buffy refused to walk closer to his bed, and stayed close to the doorway.

"You let him walk away, Buffy. After what he did—"

"After what he did? And what about what you did, huh?" she accused, taking a step closer to his bed.

He sighed heavily, lowering his eyes. "You don't understand," he mumbled.

"You're right—I really don't. Why don't you explain it to me?"

Sounding incredibly self righteous, he said, "He doesn't matter, Buffy. He's just a thing—you've said it yourself." Buffy looked away, shamefaced. "He's no better than an animal."

"You know what? I was wrong to say that. And even if Spike, or any vampire or demon for that matter, was 'no better than an animal,' that still gives you no right whatsoever to rape them," she said vehemently. "And my god, do I feel sickened by the thought of you growing up on a farm."

Riley grimaced, turning his head away from her.

"I'm leaving Buffy. Tonight. The military asked me back."

"Good," she answered softly, making Riley whip his head back around to look at her in shock. "I think it's for the best that you leave," she added solemnly.

"You don't even care that I'm leaving, do you? That you might never see me again? You never loved me," he accused, breathing hard.

Buffy sighed deeply, looking off to the side as she thought for a moment. Finally, she looked up at him.

"You're right. I never did."

Taking in his shocked expression, she opened the door, walking through it determined. All was quiet but the sound of the door shutting behind her.