DECEMBER 2, 2027- NEW ENGLAND-

Buffy walked into the little room that she used to share with him not knowing what to expect. Georgie had said that he woke up, and recognized everyone. A part of her wanted everything to be like it was before, and her heart clenched just thinking it. A part of her wanted this never to have happened, wanted Spike to be well again; didn’t want to see the chains that kept him confined to the bed, the ones she had put around his wrists and ankles herself, to keep him from hurting himself, or Joni.

A part of her wanted that so much that she was willing to sacrifice anything to get it. Even Joni.
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“Daddy…?” Joni’s voice was loud and tremulous in the quiet room, and suddenly Buffy hated the look of comprehension beyond her years, the look of the Slayer, in her daughter’s eyes. And, she sure as hell didn’t want Spike to see it, not after all he’d been through. But, he turned toward her, and Joni tilted her chin up, looked her Daddy in the eye, and said, “I’m wrong. I shouldn’t be here. Send me back.”

For an instant, Buffy felt dizzy. She was hearing horrible things coming out of her child’s mouth, and she knew where they were coming from because she recognized the feelings. They had come from her own heart.

Hate, beyond words, and disgust, and pain, all of that had been directed at him, as though Spike were responsible for pulling her from the love she had felt.

It wasn’t true, but that didn’t keep the Slayer in her from reminding him, at every opportunity, just where she was, and just how far beneath her he really was and that, no matter how he tried, how good he was, how many times he saved the world and her, he would never be with her; never really belong.

The words seemed to crash to the floor, and she could see Spike step back slightly to center himself, as though Joni had leapt up and struck him in the chin with a tiny fist. Like Mother, like daughter. He’d been rocked, set back on his heels, but he wasn’t going down.

Buffy smiled. That’s * my * husband…Definitely * not * one to be messed with. Knock him down, he just smiles, laughs and tells you what you don’t want to hear.

He knelt, probably to make her more comfortable, look her in the eye, and said, in a soft, stern voice, “Joni, I am not sending you back to that place. You’re here, and you’re safe. I don’t know what I’d do if…” he shook his head, “No. This isn’t your fault.”

“But, Daddy that’s not true! I made Papa come here, where he didn’t belong, and now he’s gone. I did that! I know Papa didn’t want to come, but he did it anyway…for me,” Buffy could see her little lip starting to quiver, her brown eyes searching his face for the right answer, the way to make it better; Buffy understood that need. Her friends had nearly killed her with it. “I know you need him, Daddy,” Joni was saying, “need Papa, and he’s gone. Maybe, if I went away…you and Mommy could…Maybe Papa would come back if I wasn’t…”

Seeing Spike with Joni like this, Buffy was reminded of another time. A time when she had wanted to disappear, when she thought she didn’t belong anywhere.

“…There’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of. You’re the one, Buffy.”

Still, after so many years…it was still about love.

“…Dove,” Spike was still speaking to her, soft and low, and Buffy could barely see him through the tears in her eyes, “ this place is hard, that is true. And, ‘Papa’ made it easier for me…for us. But you, you let me remember…” his voice seemed to catch on painful memories; memories he would not share with Joni, or her, “You help me breathe, Dove. And that’s something I need, even if I do forget you for a while,” his voice dropped into a soft chuckle, one that Buffy was very familiar with, “which would never happen, Dove. I need that, and I need you with me. Always.”

Hearing him say that, and knowing that the loss of Joni was probably the least of the pains that that place brought him, she wondered how he was here, why he wasn’t growling and clawing, like Angel had been when he came back from where she had sent him. She remembered that day, and what she had done.

She gasped, her eyes trapped by the point where they had touched. There was no avoiding this. She’d dragged him up to where the rest of her tattered soul was. She’d pulled him up to Heaven. Heaven. A place where he wouldn’t survive. A place she’d barely survived.

Oh, God…

She’d destroyed him, put him through Hell, and now the one thing that had kept him sane was gone.


“I’m sorry, Spike,” Buffy whispered. Spike stiffened slightly, as though he had just remembered that she was in the room.

Buffy could feel her chest aching with the awfulness of what had happened to him. The images that ran through her mind, the years of loneliness…He had to know how sorry she was for putting him through that.

But, not with Joni in the room. “Honey,” she said, “could you show Aunt Willow your room? Maybe tell her about Spike Rabbit?”

Joni looked between her parents, uncertainly; clearly not sure she should go with a person she did not know. And judging by the way Spike’s body language was shouting out mistrust, even hatred, at the mention of Willow’s name, it was no wonder Joni was confused, “But…” she stuttered.

“It’s all right,” Spike assured her, giving Joni a little hug, “You can go. There are toys in your room that I’ve never seen!” his tone was light, but everything else about him was not, “I’m sure Willow would love to see…all those things.”

“I sure would!” Willow chimed in, perhaps a bit too cheerfully; maybe she was wary of Spike. And, right now, Buffy knew she had good reason to be.

Willow took Joni by the hand and they went up the stairs.

Now they were alone, and Buffy couldn’t find the words. There just weren’t enough. “If I had known, I wouldn’t have…” she started.

“Don’t say it!” he spit out, turning to face her, and Buffy’s heart screamed just a little louder, the sound was deafening, but nothing could keep her from hearing him. His voice, it sounded so loud that it tore the softness of her sorrow and penance, leaving only hate behind. She had never heard that much hate in his voice, not directed at her, not even when they were mortal enemies.

“I’m his scream, Elisabeth…” And now, even that is gone. I watched it die, just like that day…I did nothing…I left him alone.

Does he hate me that much?

Then something about his voice changed, and she could hear the loneliness in it. It was something she recognized, because her heart had been through it too. She had been pulled from that place. She remembered, could even hear the echo as he spoke, “Don’t you dare take that from me, Slayer. I held on to that, to you. You can’t take it from me…”

“I didn’t mean…” Buffy said quickly, desperate to soothe the emptiness she heard in his voice. She sighed, knowing that there was nothing she could do. It was done, but that did not mean she wouldn’t live the rest of her life regretting what she didn’t do that day.

She tried to pull her mind away from him and think about something else, anything else, but she couldn’t do it.

There was no escaping what she’d done, “I shouldn’t have left you there, Spike,” she said.

His eyes burned with a fiery certainty as he nodded, his voice was strong, “Yes, you should have. I had to save you. The only way I knew…I had to stay…beat them back. You had to live, you and Joni…and now…I failed.”

“No, you haven’t! Spike, you beat the monsters. You’re here. It’s my turn to help you, to save you from your monsters, the things I didn’t before,” she slowly took the leap, came closer to him. Would he let her hold him like before? Would he let her words be true? Would he let her say it, give him her words and her heart?

Would he let her love him?

Her arms went around him, and his defenses fell. He shook, and wept, in her arms.

So very, very brave, he was, this man in her arms. Her husband. Her life. Her Spike. “We’ll figure it out. We will,” she told him.

And, she meant it, with all her heart.