BSV Forum - General - Off-Topic


Nov 06 2007 04:08 am   #1GoldenBuffy

It's been two months since my grammy died and I know this might sound cold to some people but I just want to know how long is the healing process? I mean don't get me wrong, I know I'll cry and hurt and stuff but how long does it take for you to truly get back to normal. Just when I think I'm okay something, anything will set me off, and I'm crying again. I can't even read in peace without something reminding me of my grammy that will start me crying.

I'm tired of the tears and walking around and trying to act as if everything is okay when it's not. I'm sick of slapping on that stupid smile when someone asks me how I'm doing, am I holding up alright. It's like they loojk at you  and expect you to be happy and all smiles and say everything is alright.

And the worst thing is I hate seeing people with their grandparents. I know I sound horrible, but I can't help it. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that I'll never have that same chance again. I'll never hear my grammy's laughter, her voice, or get a letter from her. It's just hard. I mean really, really hard.

I know I shouldn't feel that way towards others, that I should be happy that I had my grammy with me for my 28 years of life, that she lived until she was 78. And 99.9% of me knows that and is fine and happy with it, it's just that 1% that isn't. That wants her back. I guess it's selfish and I might be a horrible person for it. But I do feel better for getting it off my chest. Guess I needed to vent.

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along
Nov 06 2007 06:48 am   #2TammyDevil666

I know where you're coming from and this probably won't help, but I lost my grandmother when I was 12 and it still hurts today.  I don't think that's something you ever really get over, but you do learn to deal with it.  I was with her when she died in the hospital, so it's a bit harder to deal sometimes, but I manage.  Although, I can hardly set foot in a hospital anymore.  Sorry I'm not being very helpful, it's just been a really bad night.

When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy.
Nov 06 2007 08:36 am   #3Scarlet Ibis

The more you cared, the longer it'll hurt...There is no time limit, really.  We all have our own pace of healing.  But I think that your grieving and crying now will be better in the long run, cause bottling it up will lead to a nervous breakdown of sorts a few months later.  At least, that's what happened to me when my father died.  Keep the good time in mind, and if you have any home videos or albums with your grandma, then set aside an hour of time, and enjoy the memories, and reminisce.  I strongly reccomend that.

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."
Nov 06 2007 10:05 am   #4Blood Faerie

The same thing here - I only lost two dogs (well, lost a grandpa but never really know him so sadly I mourned my dogs more since they were like siblings) but I lost Sebastien over two years ago and still seeing my pictures of him or things I think he'd like or just over cocker spaniels, etc, well tears well up and even writing this I'm feeling a bit sad. He was 15, so it was like losing my little teenage brother... and Mieoshe only died this past spring from the tainted dog food... so definitely still cry a lot from that, especially with them constantly bringing up recalls and shit...

So yeah, it'll still hurt and you may get weepy but it's okay. After awhile, it turns into happy tears as you remember funny little stories about them. ^.^

Unfortunately, we had big vampires in the next room, and I didn't think they'd wait while we had hot monkey sex. ~Cerulean Sins :: (Anita to Jean-Claude)“Is there anything your bloodline does that doesn’t involve getting naked?" ~Danse Macabre :: I’m dating three men, living with two more, and having occasional sex with two others. That’s seven men. I’m like a pornographic Snow White. I think seven is plenty. ~Danse Macabre
Nov 06 2007 12:31 pm   #5LadyYashka

::hugs GoldenBuffy::

It doesn't go away, the crying jags just get farther apart and there will be times when you are able to talk about your grandmother without crying. However, the pain doesn't leave.

It's been ten years since I lost my mother and I still get teary eyed every now and then. A few months ago I was actually reading a fic by Eowyn and it hit the right note and I was in tears. I felt like an idiot but I missed her an awful lot right then.

Hell, I lost my grandfather a few month back (April and he was 84) and I'm still irrationally pissed about it. Didn't know I was angry until I heard a song by Blues Traveler called "Pretty Angry".

Needless to say, it was odd to realize I was pissed about losing my grandfather, but I never got angry about losing my mother. Grief is a strange beast to deal with.

You are not a horrible person, you're grieving. And it is going to take a lot longer than a few months for things to seem normal.


Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters. — Neil Gaiman
Nov 06 2007 01:59 pm   #6SpikesKatMac

GoldenBuffy, don't let anyone tell you how to grieve.  We all grieve in our own way; some people get angry, some get sad, some internalize everything, and some people just let it all hang out.  My Nan was the most precious person in the world to me; she practically raised me from a baby.  She died 6 years ago, and I still miss her everyday.  I think of her all the time, and I still cry.  I'm trying not to cry while I write this, as a matter of fact.  She was everything to me, and I'll never stop missing her.  I still can't listen to certain songs, or read certain books.  Her memory is with me, always.

I think you're being way too hard on yourself; two months is nothing; you're still raw from your loss.  I think I read somewhere that it takes at least a year to begin feeling/healing normally.  And the closer you are with the person you've lost, the longer the healing process is going to take.  It just makes sense; you've lost someone who made up a big part of your life, someone who was very important to you.  You're not going to get over that in a short period of time, and anyone who thinks you should is an insensitive bastard.  Don't paste on a smile; just say "I'm ok".  That's it.  You're not there to make them feel better; you have to focus on yourself.  Unless the person is a real friend, and honestly wants to know how you're doing, in which case, let loose.  Someone who honestly loves you will be happy to hold you while you cry, and will understand that loss and grief take time to get over.  Two months is not time.

Take care of yourself, don't worry about making anyone else feel better, and please accept my sincerest condolences on your loss. 

A beautiful and ineffectual angel, beating in the void his luminous wings in vain - Matthew Arnold
Nov 06 2007 03:53 pm   #7FetchingMadScientist

Don't put a time limit on yourself.  You'll always love your Grandmother, and will always remember her.  In time, it will hurt less and you will be back to "normal."  But, two months is way too early for anyone around you to expect you to be feeling anything but hurt.

Remember, some people will ask about you, and how you're feeling, because they know you're hurting, and they mean well.  Sometimes well-meaning people can make things hard on you.

Remember this: They aren't you, and they can't make the grief stop.  Grieving is a long process, and is individual for everyone.  Take your time. Your friends will understand and wait for you.  Don't let anyone rush you.

"Never a fetching mad scientist about when you need one." -Spike
Nov 08 2007 04:27 am   #8Spikez_tart

Goldenbuffy - It takes time to get to a place where you aren't totally miserable all the time.  I was a basket case for four years after my father died (which was excessive possibly).  Eventually, you will get to the point where you can enjoy thinking about your grandmother without falling apart.  You'll probably always be sad and miss her, but it will be different than now and you'll be able to think about the good times.  In the meantime, be good to yourself. 

If we want her to be exactly she'll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she's gone' who?