Letters From the Hellmouth by Spikez_tart

05/21/2012 04:11 pm
Cold Turkey         
Dear Lucretia,

You're a hoot and a half, girl!  Scary fun.  I say we take the Horndog and Doofus and a coupla bottles of the gud stuff and have our selves a good ol' time...  Doofie may be a bit dim, but he's no slouch in the sack -- ask Anya (not her real name - she's a thousand years old and she ought to know!) HornVamp... well, the man's cheeks could cut glass and things only get hotter as you go on down...  not that I'm goin' down or anywhere else from here in the slammer!

The slayer that puts the grrrr in grrrl... 

PS: Man, I'm tired o' this mess 'a female times in the clink!  I really prefer drivin' stick, but a grrrls gotta take care of business, ya know? 

Thanks Deep Blue - I have dibs on Hornvamp. 

01/14/2012 11:15 pm
Cold Turkey         
I love how she keeps calling Xander by his middle name. This was great.

02/22/2011 04:23 pm
Cold Turkey         
"...there’s plenty of room in her knickers’ drawer for my eight black tee shirts."


Hahah, this was really great stuff.  Thanks for the larfs! 
Thanks lost - glad to see you're publishing again. 

05/27/2010 04:23 pm
Cold Turkey         
This is hilarious!  I'd like to see more. 
Thanks - I actually forgot I wrote this silly thing. 

07/23/2009 04:46 am
Cold Turkey         
Second readthrough, but still just as hilarious as the first!

Can I borrow Horndog and his coat for a while?
Horndog is MINE!   Okay, maybe for a couple of hours.  Thanks for reviewing.

01/18/2008 06:20 am
Cold Turkey         
wonderful read, thank you.
Thanks, V - Posting a new chapter today.

01/12/2008 06:03 pm
Cold Turkey         
So funny - their characters shine through! And how!
Thanks, Lou. Appreciate the review.

01/11/2008 08:00 pm
Cold Turkey         
Too funny but that last one OH so revealing! LOL

Yes, maybe there was another reason that Xander bolted at the alter?

01/11/2008 04:08 pm
Cold Turkey         
I just love all of them.
Thanks for reviewing. It means a lot.

01/11/2008 01:24 pm
Cold Turkey         
Another great slice of humor! But Xander??? I don't want to go there either.
Thanks, J. I just keep thinking about the way Xander lit Spike's cigarette then put the lighter in his own pocket. Hmmmm.

01/11/2008 05:33 am
Cold Turkey         
The Scoobies certainly need a Lucretia in thier lives. She gets straight to the point.
Thanks, T. Appreciate the review.

01/11/2008 04:22 am
Cold Turkey         
Oh, my yes! Another chapter filled to the brim with the laughs. I love how Giles capitalized Vampire. I see what you were saying about Lucretia--she's the smartest woman in Sunnydale. Especially "Bring a bottle of wine and don't forget the coat."
Thanks, Lindsey. In the Kingdom of the Blind, one-eyed Lucretia is king.

01/14/2012 11:12 pm
Ask Lucretia         
OMG! Too funny! Too bad they didn't write into a advice column.

05/28/2009 07:39 pm
Ask Lucretia         
O.k. this was so good I'm sending out to EVERYONE on my e-mail list who likes hot monkey sex. Well, the girls, anyway. Don't want to discourage the guys.  I read I'm Going to Tell & loved it, but I couldn't read the TIN BOX because that was SUCH a boring time period! We have to be thankful to the evil trio (Angelus, darla, and Dru) for turning out such a groovey boy, even tho of course they had no intention of giving him to a Slayer.
Thanks so much, Buffy C -  I do have to stand up for my Tin Box story though.  It's not my usual smart assery, but it's all William getting into trouble and has an excellent banner for BSV's very own nmcil, who is awesome. 

12/11/2008 04:46 am
Ask Lucretia         
HAHAHAH!! BEST story ever I am in awe of it really. I love the line about Dawn's totally chilled way of coping hahah.

Thanks Ashlie.  I may have to update this one.

01/11/2008 07:54 pm
Ask Lucretia         
LOL....this column would have been SO useful to the residents of our favorite Hellmouth.

I'm thinking it would be useful to the people who write in the Ann Landers et al, too. Thanks for reviewing.

01/08/2008 10:00 am
Ask Lucretia         
That was a blast!
Thanks Lou - appreciate the reviews.

12/11/2007 05:52 am
Ask Lucretia         
It's 11:30 at night and I am trying to keep from breaking into hysterics and waking up the neighbors at the hotel. This was absolutely fab. Wonderful work.
To hell with them. How can they be sleeping when there's Spuffy to read. Thanks very much for reviewing.

12/10/2007 03:29 am
Ask Lucretia         
LOL! This was so much fun to read! Thanks for the great entertainment.
Thanks Dawn.

12/09/2007 12:38 am
Ask Lucretia         
ROFL, LMAO! Girl, you are soooooo crazy! I loved this. You rock, do a sequal!!!!
Thanks GB - I'll do a sequel, but just for you.

Pam S
12/08/2007 06:02 pm
Ask Lucretia         
LOL.. thanks
Thanks Pam

12/07/2007 09:47 pm
Ask Lucretia         
lovely way to start the day's reading. hilarious, thank you.
Thanks vladt. Appreciate all your many reviews.

12/07/2007 08:13 pm
Ask Lucretia         
I nearly busted a gut reading this!
Thanks Joyce.

12/07/2007 07:04 pm
Ask Lucretia         
I haven't laughed at a story so hard in long time and really hope to see more of this or see things changing with Randy, Joan, Treebark and the doofus...I loved this and want more!

Okay okay okay! Sequel. Thanks for reviewing.

12/07/2007 02:01 pm
Ask Lucretia         
Bwahah - my sentiments exactly. Thanks for reviewing.

12/07/2007 07:40 am
Ask Lucretia         
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh god, that was great. I can just here Lucretia in my head, being like, "Nuh uh girlfriend!" *Sanp* Great idea, coming up with a newspaper column.... maybe you could do it with other Buffyverse characters?
I think I'm going to have to expand the Letters column. I may have to steal that line - "Nuh un"
with total credit, of course. Thanks for reviewing.

12/06/2007 05:39 pm
Ask Lucretia         
Can I just say that this was so hillarious. Just love it.
Thanks - I wasn't expecting this to be so popular.

12/06/2007 12:28 am
Ask Lucretia         
oh that was funny as hell. i would have loved to read more of that series.great job
Thanks for reviewing. Glad you liked it and I'm giving serious (okay it's me, so not serious at all) thought to another set.

12/05/2007 08:53 pm
Ask Lucretia         
Real funny Char, are you planning on doing a follow up?
Thanks D - I wasn't, but it looks like I might have to.

12/05/2007 06:16 pm
Ask Lucretia         
You gotta keep this going. It's hilarious.
I wasn't planning on any more, but I'd hate to disappoint a reader. Thanks for reviewing.

12/05/2007 09:38 am
Ask Lucretia         
Oh, that was sooooooo funny xD
Thanks thanks thanks for the review.

12/05/2007 08:05 am
Ask Lucretia         
Lol, great story.
Thanks, Nika.

12/05/2007 06:39 am
Ask Lucretia         
OMG! That was just brilliant!! Keep up the great work! Can't wait to read more!!
Thanks Jace. I wasn't really planning on more, but ...

12/05/2007 05:53 am
Ask Lucretia         
Screamingly laugh-out-loud hilarious! I love it!
Thanks MB.

12/05/2007 05:36 am
Ask Lucretia         
"Horndog (not his real name, though it ought to be)...Doofus (not his real name, though it ought to be)"

Freaking hilarious! You really hit the nail on the head with everyone: Xander wishing Buffy were with him, Anya wanting orgasms, Dawn throwing a tantrum about not being a child, Spike and Buffy being...well, Spike and Buffy Very original idea. If only they really had had an advice columnist's help
If only someone had dropped a rock on their collective heads. - thanks for reviewing.

12/05/2007 05:22 am
Ask Lucretia         
Completely. Hilarious. Buffy and Spike's letters were awesome, but this bit made me laugh out loud. "Anya (Not my real name)"
Thanks golden. Not sure the gang's letters are any sillier than the stuff I read in the paper every morning.

12/05/2007 04:49 am
Ask Lucretia         
Obviously Treebark missed the part about Joan being dragged from Heaven and Doofus missed the part about being called Doofus. Both of them wouldn't know the truth it it walked up and bit them on thier butts with poisonous fangs.

Seriously wouldn't mind more of this.
Thanks Tamara - It's a common failing in Sunnydale - people hear (and in Xander's case - see) what they want.

12/05/2007 03:52 am
Ask Lucretia         
Very nicely done. I so needed the laughs your story provided! Lucretia talk good sense to me.
Thanks L - Lucretia may be the only person in Sunny-D who has any sense at all.