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Trusting You by DreamsofSpike
Chapter: Giving You Me
01/28/2008 11:41 pm
It took all his strength not to tell her he was sorry, not to back down.
Buffy quickly recovered, however, donning her own smirk as she shot back, “Yeah. Just didn’t think you knew how to use it.”
He knew that the hurt showed in his eyes, in the instant before he quickly looked away.
*And we’re back to the whole ‘nothin’ but her soddin’ whore’ routine,* he thought bitterly. *Bollocks. I *am* really that pathetic.*
The pain in his eyes had a softening effect on the Slayer, who was suddenly kneeling in front of him, her hand releasing his hair to touch his cheek gently and turn his face back toward her.
He was surprised at the regret, the sadness, he saw in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said softly, leaning in to follow her words with a slow, tender kiss.
It was hardly enough.
He was as unresponsive as she had ever seen him be to her, submitting to her kiss, but not actively returning it. She withdrew her mouth from his, slowly, a frown of concern forming on her face, as she took in the firm set of his jaw, the way he leaned slightly away from her, keeping his eyes averted – everything in his stance speaking of hurt and anger.
Buffy froze, a cold feeling akin to dread building in her chest. Was this it? Had she finally succeeded in hurting him badly enough that he would walk away from her? It was what she had wanted – wasn’t it?
Then why was the thought so terrifying to her?
“Can you forgive me?” she whispered, unconsciously holding her breath in anticipation of his answer. For a long, excruciating moment, he did not move, did not look up, as she waited for him to speak.
When his eyes finally rose to meet hers, wide and honest and glistening with tears, her breath was stolen away from her again, as he whispered, shaking his head slowly, a sad, ironic, yet beautiful smile on his full, slightly trembling lips.
“Buffy – Buffy, love – how can you even ask me?”
The tone of his voice made his answer clear – so full of love and devotion, even after everything. Her chest ached with a deep sorrow as she thought about the exercise in torment and pain that had been her treatment of Spike over the past few months. He gave her absolutely everything he had to give, submitting his very life into her hands – and she gave him nothing but punishment and pain in return.
She knew by now that her words could hurt him much worse than her fists ever could – so of course, that was what she dealt him. Harsh, demeaning comments designed to belittle him and crush his spirit.
And yet he loved her.
Was there *nothing* that he would not forgive her?
As she gazed into those open, expressive blue eyes, unable to tear her own away, she knew that she could not abandon her plan, now more than ever. He loved her -- *really* loved her. And regardless of her feelings for him, her confused, mixed-up desires and dreams and longings for how it might be – she was irreversibly, hopelessly screwed up beyond any help.
She would only ever end up hurting him.
She had to break it off – had to *make* him move on, so that in time, he could find someone else, someone who would love him like he loved her, completely, holding nothing back, and without the crippling fear that always left her more confused and conflicted – and Spike broken and wounded.
She did not know if she loved him, but she felt strongly that she did not love him *enough* -- couldn’t – if she always ended up hurting him so badly. But she knew that she *did* care enough to stop herself from using him, from hurting him, again.
And she cared enough – or was selfish enough – to give them this one last night.
She held his gaze for a moment longer, before leaning in for another kiss, her hand gently cupping the back of his head, caressing tenderly, where before she had been hard and forceful. This time, Spike responded to her kiss, with a desperation, a thirst that made her heart ache with the power of its intensity.
When she finally broke the kiss to draw breath, she looked into his wide, stunned eyes, surely mirroring the expression in her own, as she whispered intently, earnestly, “What do *you* want, Spike? Please – let me – let me give you – what do you want?”
Their faces were mere inches apart, and she could clearly see the surprise, the doubt and disbelief, in his startled eyes, in the moment before he leaned forward to rest his forehead against hers, still breathing hard with the intensity of the moment as he gave her his soft, heartfelt response.
“You, Buffy…just you.”
She could not respond. There were no words. She swallowed back a sob, closing her eyes against the tears that rose there, as she raised her hands to gently cup his face, without lifting her head from his.
*God, it’s too much…it’s too…I can’t…*
“I love you, Buffy,” Spike went on, his voice quiet but trembling with passion and intensity. “You’re all I want, Buffy…just you…just…you and me…and no…no games…”
He shook his head slowly, and she felt his tears fall onto her bare leg, pulled up under her. Her own tears slipped down her cheeks as she lowered her arms to gently wrap around him, and he struggled to go on.
“No – no posturing and mind games and trying to out-brave each other…just…just you and me, and you…you…letting me love you.” His voice broke slightly over his last words, and as she pulled him closer to her instinctively, he lowered his head to her shoulder and let out a gasp that was almost a sob.
“I – I don’t expect…I mean…” he fought to get the words out in a dangerously shaking voice. “I understand if you can’t…but…God, Buffy…why won’t you just let me *love* you?”
I had tears in my eyes with that part above
and i love the rest of this chapter
Buffy quickly recovered, however, donning her own smirk as she shot back, “Yeah. Just didn’t think you knew how to use it.”
He knew that the hurt showed in his eyes, in the instant before he quickly looked away.
*And we’re back to the whole ‘nothin’ but her soddin’ whore’ routine,* he thought bitterly. *Bollocks. I *am* really that pathetic.*
The pain in his eyes had a softening effect on the Slayer, who was suddenly kneeling in front of him, her hand releasing his hair to touch his cheek gently and turn his face back toward her.
He was surprised at the regret, the sadness, he saw in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said softly, leaning in to follow her words with a slow, tender kiss.
It was hardly enough.
He was as unresponsive as she had ever seen him be to her, submitting to her kiss, but not actively returning it. She withdrew her mouth from his, slowly, a frown of concern forming on her face, as she took in the firm set of his jaw, the way he leaned slightly away from her, keeping his eyes averted – everything in his stance speaking of hurt and anger.
Buffy froze, a cold feeling akin to dread building in her chest. Was this it? Had she finally succeeded in hurting him badly enough that he would walk away from her? It was what she had wanted – wasn’t it?
Then why was the thought so terrifying to her?
“Can you forgive me?” she whispered, unconsciously holding her breath in anticipation of his answer. For a long, excruciating moment, he did not move, did not look up, as she waited for him to speak.
When his eyes finally rose to meet hers, wide and honest and glistening with tears, her breath was stolen away from her again, as he whispered, shaking his head slowly, a sad, ironic, yet beautiful smile on his full, slightly trembling lips.
“Buffy – Buffy, love – how can you even ask me?”
The tone of his voice made his answer clear – so full of love and devotion, even after everything. Her chest ached with a deep sorrow as she thought about the exercise in torment and pain that had been her treatment of Spike over the past few months. He gave her absolutely everything he had to give, submitting his very life into her hands – and she gave him nothing but punishment and pain in return.
She knew by now that her words could hurt him much worse than her fists ever could – so of course, that was what she dealt him. Harsh, demeaning comments designed to belittle him and crush his spirit.
And yet he loved her.
Was there *nothing* that he would not forgive her?
As she gazed into those open, expressive blue eyes, unable to tear her own away, she knew that she could not abandon her plan, now more than ever. He loved her -- *really* loved her. And regardless of her feelings for him, her confused, mixed-up desires and dreams and longings for how it might be – she was irreversibly, hopelessly screwed up beyond any help.
She would only ever end up hurting him.
She had to break it off – had to *make* him move on, so that in time, he could find someone else, someone who would love him like he loved her, completely, holding nothing back, and without the crippling fear that always left her more confused and conflicted – and Spike broken and wounded.
She did not know if she loved him, but she felt strongly that she did not love him *enough* -- couldn’t – if she always ended up hurting him so badly. But she knew that she *did* care enough to stop herself from using him, from hurting him, again.
And she cared enough – or was selfish enough – to give them this one last night.
She held his gaze for a moment longer, before leaning in for another kiss, her hand gently cupping the back of his head, caressing tenderly, where before she had been hard and forceful. This time, Spike responded to her kiss, with a desperation, a thirst that made her heart ache with the power of its intensity.
When she finally broke the kiss to draw breath, she looked into his wide, stunned eyes, surely mirroring the expression in her own, as she whispered intently, earnestly, “What do *you* want, Spike? Please – let me – let me give you – what do you want?”
Their faces were mere inches apart, and she could clearly see the surprise, the doubt and disbelief, in his startled eyes, in the moment before he leaned forward to rest his forehead against hers, still breathing hard with the intensity of the moment as he gave her his soft, heartfelt response.
“You, Buffy…just you.”
She could not respond. There were no words. She swallowed back a sob, closing her eyes against the tears that rose there, as she raised her hands to gently cup his face, without lifting her head from his.
*God, it’s too much…it’s too…I can’t…*
“I love you, Buffy,” Spike went on, his voice quiet but trembling with passion and intensity. “You’re all I want, Buffy…just you…just…you and me…and no…no games…”
He shook his head slowly, and she felt his tears fall onto her bare leg, pulled up under her. Her own tears slipped down her cheeks as she lowered her arms to gently wrap around him, and he struggled to go on.
“No – no posturing and mind games and trying to out-brave each other…just…just you and me, and you…you…letting me love you.” His voice broke slightly over his last words, and as she pulled him closer to her instinctively, he lowered his head to her shoulder and let out a gasp that was almost a sob.
“I – I don’t expect…I mean…” he fought to get the words out in a dangerously shaking voice. “I understand if you can’t…but…God, Buffy…why won’t you just let me *love* you?”
I had tears in my eyes with that part above
and i love the rest of this chapter
Em
07/05/2006 02:49 am
Awwh!!! It's about freaking time, Buffy! She is really starting to annoy me with all the hot and cold crap. Cuz im sooo sure that itll come back, and break Spike, but then he'll come back for more, and, *sob*. I sure hope this lasts!
glad you're so into it...no promises yet...but no matter how dark they get my stories usually have happy ending :)
07/04/2006 05:32 am
Ohh! Yay! She better not do something mean again! Loved the chapter!
no promises :)
Robyn
07/04/2006 02:00 am
I must admit that I am not so trusting of Buffy right now. I really hate to think that she is giving him what they both truly want before she uses her new knowledge that her words hurt him far more than her fists to try to really drive him away. I hope I'm wrong and I'm looking forward to finding out how things play out.
you are right to be suspicious...not telling how it will play out though :)
07/04/2006 01:48 am
Could it be true? Can she be saying she loves him? Can't wait for the next
you'll see :)
Tonia
07/03/2006 12:49 pm
:::bangs head::: She was so close! At least now she's apologizing and admitting he has real feelings.That is a step in the right direction. I can't wait for more!
thanx, glad you are enjoying it :)
pretty_in_fangs
07/03/2006 10:24 am
Oh. Oh oh oh. You had me holding my breath through that whole chapter.
thanx, so glad you enjoyed it :)
Emilee
07/03/2006 03:10 am
Angsty and beautiful, and when(if) she cuts and runs afterwards as visciously as she has before, then it's just going to devastate him. I can't wait to see what happens next.
thanx for the review and your kind words :)
Lou
07/03/2006 02:15 am
Please don't let her turn on him again, it'd just be too cruel!
we'll see what happens :)
Kendra
07/03/2006 12:09 am
Yay! Beautiful chapter. Here's hoping this will make Buffy see that she doesn't need to push him away, that she can love him one day, even if she doesn't love herself right now.
buffy will learn all this...no guarantees as to right this moment...but she will :)
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