Disclaimer: All the characters and recognizable dialog belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Certain dialog borrowed from Lies My Parents Told Me and Dirty Girls.
 
Author’s note: This story goes AU at the end of Lies My Parents Told Me, and tends to be a little loose with canon timelines during Dirty Girls and thereafter. I was three-quarters of the way through this story when Terepsina posted her recent tale, with a similar premise. Mine is a bit darker than hers, but I just wanted to state that no plagiarism was intended. Just a random fluke of the BSV.
 
******************
 
It was a fight like a thousand others, one that should have been over in three minutes or less. But Buffy fought on as Giles provided more words of wisdom to somehow turn her into the general he envisioned. The whole time she was fighting, while discussing sacrifice and hard decisions at the same time, something nagged in the back of her head. Why doesn’t he see how much of an asset Spike is? How can he be comparing Spike to Ben? That was totally different.
 
Then all of a sudden what Giles was saying clicked. She staked the hapless Richard and turned wide-eyed toward Giles. “Oh God. You’ve been stalling me, keeping me away…” She backed from Giles in disbelief. He wouldn’t…
 
“Buffy, it’s time to stop playing the role of a general and start being one,” Giles said sternly. Buffy stared in shock for another moment then turned and ran. She barely registered Giles calling out, “This is the way wars are won!” God don’t let me be too late. I need  him. The thought of having to fight this hopeless war with no one who she could truly trust, no one who would tell her the truth, no one who would listen to her was unbearable. Her feet flew over the pavement as she desperately raced across town.
 
She reached the door of Robin’s garage and time stopped dead. Robin stood there, panting, blood running from a cut over his eye. Buffy took in the metal gauntlets on his wrists, the crosses on the walls, and finally the pile of dust at his feet. “No…” she breathed. She shook her head slowly back and forth, eyes wide with disbelief.
 
“Buffy, it had to be done,” Robin said, his voice slightly thickened behind swollen lips. “You have to understand that he was a danger to the mission.” Buffy just stared, the words washing over her without comprehension. Her world had shrunk to a small pile of dust, hardly noticeable on the dirty garage floor. “Buffy?” Robin said, approaching her slowly, trying to catch her eye. “Are you okay?” He gently reached out to put a hand on her shoulder.
 
Buffy jerked back as if she had been singed. She was gasping, nearly hyperventilating, her eyes far too huge in her pale face. She kept shaking her head over and over, her mouth moving, but no sound coming out. When Robin took another step toward her she backed out the door, then turned and fled, nearly stumbling over her feet as the tears came and blinded her.
 
She ran again through the streets of Sunnydale, not caring where she was going. He’s gone. He’s gone. Oh no. No no no. Her brain had short circuited on that terrible fact and she could think of nothing else. She kept running and running until her chest felt ready to burst and her muscles screamed. Finally she reached the breaking point and collapsed onto the grass in a small park, landing face down, wailing. Breath came in ragged gasps, and she dug her hands into the turf, tearing at it in her grief. Coherent thought left her and her brain echoed with the desperate refrain: He’s gone. Spike’s gone. Oh God. She sobbed out her pain into the grass, all hope draining out into the ground with her tears.
 
*****************
 
Giles had gotten to Robin’s garage some time after Buffy had come and gone. “It’s done,” Robin said. He had been in the process of dealing with the minor wounds from the battle when Giles arrived.
 
“I see,” said Giles. “How… how did Buffy react?” He still fought with the guilt of going behind the Slayer’s back, but she had to see that this was the only way. She was a warrior, and she was strong. She had managed to kill Angel, and had sacrificed herself to save the world. Although she would be angry and hurt, Giles had to believe that she would eventually understand the necessity.
 
“She was… upset,” said Robin. “She didn’t say anything. She saw what had happened and she just took off.”
 
Giles frowned. “I was afraid that she might take this badly.”
 
“You know that it was necessary,” Robin said.
 
“I agree,” said Giles. “I just hope she is able to get past her current emotional state to get back to the problem at hand.” The men exchanged a few more brief remarks about meeting the next day and parted. Giles headed back to Revello Drive deep in thought. He had done the right thing. Buffy was completely blind when it came to Spike. He needed to be removed from the equation before some replay of the Angelus debacle occurred. But even though he was certain about the rightness of his actions, he knew Buffy well enough to know that there would be some friction ahead. He had lied to her, and that had never gone over well in the past. He was going to have a job ahead of him regaining her trust.
 
He came up the walk and entered the house, slightly overwhelmed as always by the wave of female voices. He hung up his jacket and moved into the kitchen. Willow was doing some research on her laptop at the kitchen counter while Dawn, and Andrew shared some chips and salsa at the table. “Hey Giles,” Willow said. She furrowed her brow and asked, “Is Buffy with you?”
 
“No. I take it she’s not home yet?” he asked.
 
Dawn noticed that Giles seemed somewhat uncomfortable. “Giles? Is something wrong?”
 
Giles hesitated for a moment before responding. “Well, I suppose you will all have to know sooner or later. Robin had to dust Spike.”
 
The three listeners gaped at him. “But why?” Andrew asked finally. “I thought he was part of our team.”
 
“He was under the control of the First, which made him a danger to all of us. Robin and I felt that it was too much of a risk to allow him to remain among us.”
 
“And Buffy was okay with this?” Dawn demanded. She still had mixed feelings about Spike. She remembered both the friend who had cared for her when Buffy was gone, and also the vampire who had nearly raped her sister. If she was honest, she was more than a little jealous that Spike seemed to get more of her sister’s attention than she did these days. But to have him gone forever was a shock.
 
“We didn’t consult Buffy about this,” Giles admitted. “Her judgment when it came to Spike seemed particularly poor. She was not able to make this decision.”
 
“Buffy is going to be really upset about this, you know,” Dawn said over the rising lump in her throat.
 
“I regret having to cause her distress,” Giles explained. “But I could not in good conscience risk the lives of the potentials to spare her feelings.”
 
“I guess we’ll have to wait until she comes home to see what happens,” Willow said. She didn’t particularly mind the loss of Spike, but she had to agree with Dawn – Buffy was not going to take this lightly.
 
Word spread quickly through the house, and the girls talked and whispered about the news in little knots here and there. Some had never felt comfortable around the vampire, and were immensely relieved to hear he was gone. Some were a bit wistful – he had been a good teacher, and he was very easy on the eyes. A few didn’t particularly care one way or the other, but were more interested in what the next plan was. Those closest to Buffy said little on the subject, but kept glancing at the door, waiting for her return. Finally, as midnight approached, the potentials started bedding down for the night. Dawn headed up to bed with a worried glance at the door, wondering idly if something had happened to her sister.
 
“Giles? Do you think she’s okay?” Willow asked.
 
“She is probably extremely angry at me right now,” Giles responded. “It may be better to give her some time to calm down before we seek her out.”
 
“You’re probably right,” Willow sighed. She made her way up to bed, and climbed in next to the already dozing Kennedy. Giles dug a bottle of scotch out of its hiding place in a top bookshelf and sat down in the kitchen to pour himself a glass and wait for his Slayer.
 
**************
 
Buffy cried until there were no tears left in her, but she remained where she had fallen, her face on the grass and her eyes staring out at nothing in particular. She knew she should get up and go home. But the thought of entering that house which was full of chattering potentials, Scoobies and Giles was somehow unbearable without Spike there. Even when she wasn’t with him, she had come to rely on his presence in the house. The ability to just slip down and talk to him when the girls got too much had kept her from strangling someone several times. Her stomach knotted at the memory of his blue eyes. Whether they had been taunting her, lusting after her, begging her for death or pleading for understanding, they had been the most beautiful, expressive eyes she had ever encountered. The thought that those beautiful eyes were gone, together with the maddeningly complex creature behind them just broke her heart. I loved him. I never wanted to admit that. But in these last few weeks, I loved him. And I never told him, and he’ll never know… Somehow more tears welled up at the thought.
 
After another indeterminate length of time she finally got up. Her clothes were disheveled and dirty, her face pale and streaked. She walked off toward Revello Drive like a wraith, feeling numb and detached from her surroundings. Her vision had shrunk to the concrete in front of her feet. It occurred to her that if a vampire came up behind her right now she probably wouldn’t even hear them, and she couldn’t bring herself to care. What was the point in fighting anyway? They couldn’t win. Spike had been one of their strongest weapons, in addition to being her friend and confidant. Now it was just her, a witch, and a bunch of semi-trained girls. The battle was already over, and they had lost. They just hadn’t fallen down yet.
 
She finally got to her house and was relieved to find it mostly dark. But as she entered the front door, she noticed the kitchen light. Not caring who was up at this hour she hung up her coat mechanically and made her way to the stairs. “Buffy?”
 
She turned to see Giles in the kitchen doorway. She backed away from him, saying nothing, then turned and ran upstairs to the bathroom. She slammed the door and barely made it to the toilet before vomiting. Giles came upstairs and his conscience needled him as he heard her retching and gasping through the door. “Buffy?” he asked quietly. “Are you alright?”
 
In response, Buffy began to laugh, hysterical, sobbing laughter that chilled Giles’ blood. The bathroom door opened to reveal Buffy, looking wild and lost. Giles unconsciously stepped back, startled. Even after her mother had died she hadn’t looked so completely unhinged. Buffy’s mouth moved for a moment before she finally choked out, “Why?”
 
“Buffy, we discussed this. He was a threat to everyone here. The First was controlling him. He could have turned on anyone, at any time. We cannot go into battle with an agent of the enemy in our ranks.” His voice was firm, but concealed a deep concern for his Slayer, who was clearly not taking this even remotely well.
 
“We didn’t discuss anything,” she choked out bitterly. “You talked, and you acted, and you… you…” She covered her mouth, sobbing and shaking. Willow’s door opened and the red haired witch poked her head out. “Giles? Buffy? What’s going on?”
 
“Just…  just leave me alone.” Buffy pushed past Giles blindly and fled down the stairs. They heard the sound of the basement door opening and closing, followed by an uneasy silence. Giles started to go after her, but Willow stopped him. “Giles, she needs some time,” Willow said.
 
Giles sighed. “It had to be done. She’s got to see that.” But even as he said it, Giles found himself wondering if he had made a mistake.
 
*******************************
 
The next morning began as usual, with girls jockeying for time in the bathroom, rolling up sleeping bags, and foraging for breakfast. The only thing missing in the usual fray was Buffy. After a while the girls started murmuring, wondering if she had come home last night, and Willow decided it was time to check on her. She opened the basement door slowly and came down the stairs. “Buffy?” she inquired. “Are you down here?” She reached the bottom of the stairs and took in the sight. Buffy was asleep on Spike’s cot, wearing one of Spike’s spare black t-shirts. Her face was pale, and there were huge circles under her eyes. Willow winced at the sight of her friend, who looked smaller and more vulnerable than she ever had. In the end, Willow didn’t have the heart to wake her, and went back upstairs.
 
“She’s still sleeping,” Willow told the assembled Potentials. “She had a rough night. We should just leave her be until she wakes up.” The Potentials weren’t sure what to make of this, and clustered in murmuring groups until Willow put them to work tidying the house to keep them occupied.
 
Giles arrived at eleven o’clock, having gone to his little apartment to catch a few hours of sleep and change clothes. He walked in to find a much neater house than when he left, but no Buffy in sight. Dawn was wiping up the kitchen counter when he came in and asked, “Is Buffy around somewhere?”
 
Dawn jerked her head toward the basement door. “She’s not up yet.” Dawn turned to face Giles and said in a worried voice, “Do you think she’s going to be okay? She was pretty close to Spike.”
 
“She’s the Slayer, Dawn,” Giles reassured her. “She has faced worse trials and enemies and come through in the end. She is upset now, but I believe she will come to accept what happened as a necessary evil.”
 
Dawn bit her lip and turned to the sink to rinse out the rag she had been using. Without looking up at Giles she said, “He had changed, you know. He really was helping and trying to do the right thing.”
 
“I realize that he had been attempting to mend his ways,” Giles admitted. “But the fact remained that the First was controlling him for evil ends.”
 
“So if the First started controlling one of us, would you have to kill us as well?” Dawn asked, facing him.
 
Giles was taken aback by the suggestion. “He was a vampire. The demon residing in him left him vulnerable to control. He wasn’t the same as a human.
 
“He had a soul,” Dawn said quietly. “I thought that was really important.”
 
Giles wasn’t sure he liked the way the conversation was going. “Even with the soul he was a danger to us all. A killer controlled by our enemy could not be allowed to remain in our midst.”
 
“You didn’t answer my question though,” Dawn persisted. “What if the First started controlling someone else? Would they need to die too?”
 
“The First has shown no sign of being able to control anyone in the same way,” Giles said, sounding more certain than he felt. “I believe we have solved our problems in that regard.”
 
“Hope you’re right,” Dawn muttered as she turned her attention to the rest of the countertop.
 
The potentials were starting to mill about in the living room again, unsure of what to do. Giles decided that enough was enough, and went downstairs to see what Buffy was up to.
 
Buffy had been awake for a while, lying on the cot and reading one of Spike’s books. When she had come down to the basement the night before, she had found the small box that Spike had used to store his things. She found four black t-shirts, two overshirts, and three pairs of jeans, along with some socks and three books. The books, which she hadn’t realized he had, consisted of Shakespeare’s sonnets, the collected works of Byron, and the collected works of T.S. Eliot. It had seemed so incredibly sad that 120 years of existence left such a small physical imprint. She had put on one of his shirts and laid down on a pillow that still held a faint scent of leather and cigarettes. She had slept fitfully, her dreams a replay of her running and running, but getting there too late to change anything. When she woke she found herself uninterested in going upstairs, and had opened Eliot to pass the time. At the moment she was fixated on the phrase: “This is the way the world ends; not with a bang, but a whimper.” Spike had gone out as a small whisper of dust, unmourned except by her.
 
The basement door opened and Giles came downstairs. Buffy was facing the wall reading, and made no sign of acknowledging the intruder. He stared at her for a moment, waiting for her to say something. Finally he lost patience with her and said, “The girls are ready for today’s training session. Are you planning on getting up to lead them?”
 
“Why?” asked Buffy in a dull voice. She remained facing the wall, staring at the words of ‘The Hollow Men’ as if they held the secrets of the universe.
 
Giles grew exasperated. “Why?” he yelled. “Because you are their leader, Buffy. You are the Slayer!”
 
Buffy turned to fix him with cold eyes. “Last night you took over the leader role, remember? You made the executive decision about who belongs on the team. Because I couldn’t be trusted with that decision. You want the job? It’s yours.”
 
“Buffy, I was stepping in to do something that I knew would be painful for you. I didn’t want you to have to suffer through that.”
 
“If you didn’t want to make me suffer, then you shouldn’t have gotten rid of the one person who I could trust,” she said bitterly, turning back to the wall. “You clearly don’t trust my judgment, so go make your own decisions.”
 
Giles was about to answer when Willow came downstairs. “Buffy? There was a phone call from L.A. just now. Someone on Angel’s team could use my help with something. Now seems a good a time as any to go – is it okay if I take off for a day or two?”
 
Buffy didn’t answer, and after a long pause Giles sighed and said, “Yes, Willow, I’m sure that would be fine. Hurry back though.”
 
“I will,” said Willow. She exchanged a worried glance with Giles, who shrugged and shook his head slightly. Willow frowned, but turned to gather her things for the trip to L.A.
 
Giles turned back to Buffy, trying another tack. “So you are just going to abandon the potentials? And Dawn and the others? Leave them scared and vulnerable just because you’re upset? That isn’t like you, Buffy.”
 
Buffy closed the book and got up. “You don’t get it, do you?” she spat at Giles. “The battle is lost already. Spike was one of our strongest fighters. He was training those girls better than I was. What do we have now? Me, a witch with dubious control, and a bunch of half trained teenagers who are scared shitless? Oh, and don’t let me forget a two-faced watcher and a principal who talk about how I need to be this general in the war we’re fighting, unless they disagree with me. We’re screwed, Giles. The best thing we could do now is get the hell out of Sunnydale.”
 
“Aren’t we being a little melodramatic?” Giles snapped. “Spike was only a good fighter when he wasn’t turning on us because the First flipped his switch! You really think that having him around in the coming battle would help us?”
 
“It would help me!” she screamed, tears falling again. “I needed him, Giles, because I don’t have anyone else!” She wheeled and kicked the punching bag in frustration, pulling the hook out of the ceiling with the force and knocking it clear across the room. She turned her back to Giles, balling her fists at her side and trying to regain control.
 
“Buffy, we don’t have time for this,” Giles said sternly. “I would not waste my time if I thought this endeavor was completely hopeless. You have a sacred duty to fulfill, and it’s time you realized that and got to work.”
 
Buffy sagged visibly, her anger dissipating in favor of resignation. “What do you want me to do?” she asked in a mumbling monotone.
 
Giles was dismayed at her tone, but said, “I want you to go up there and teach those girls how to defeat the Bringers and the Turok-Han.”
 
Buffy nodded and walked upstairs, not looking at Giles as she passed. He was glad to have roused her, but it felt like a hollow victory, and he wondered again whether he had done the best thing for his Slayer.
 
Buffy made her way up to her room, and grabbed some clean clothes, carefully folding Spike’s shirt and laying it in a drawer. She took a quick shower and dressed hapazardly, throwing her hair into a careless ponytail. She thought about eating something, but couldn’t think of anything that appealed to her. When she entered the living room the endless chatter stopped, and the girls all looked at her, wondering what was going to happen next.
 
“Get your shoes on,” she said. “We’re going out for a run.” She turned and left, walking out the front door to wait for them outside. She leaned against what she thought of as Spike’s tree while she waited. The grass was still missing in the little circle where he always ground out his cigarettes. He spent that whole year watching out for me, even when I was beating the crap out of him. Stupid vampire. Wasn’t supposed to leave me.
 
“Buffy? Are you okay?” came Dawn’s voice behind her.
 
Buffy took a deep breath and turned to face her sister. “I’m here. Don’t know if I’m okay.”
 
“I’m sorry about Spike,” she said. “I know you were close.”
 
“Yeah,” Buffy said, not having anything to add.
 
“I don’t… I don’t think that Giles needed to do that,” Dawn offered.
 
“Neither did I,” Buffy responded. She looked Dawn in the face then, and Dawn ached to see the pain in her sister’s eyes. She hadn’t looked so miserable since she had been pulled from heaven. Further conversation was cut short by the potentials filing out of the house. “Come on,” Buffy said shortly. “Keep up with me best you can.” Then she took off down Revello Drive, setting a pace that was nowhere near her top speed, but still awfully fast for some of the girls. By the time they reached the college campus many of the girls were near collapse. Buffy finally stopped in a green open area and turned to face the potentials
 
“Can we… please… take a… breather?” gasped Kennedy. At least one of the girls was puking her guts out in the bushes, and the rest were falling about gasping for oxygen.
 
“Sure. Be my guest. Just remember that vampires don’t usually give time outs,” she snapped. Several of the girls shot looks that were either alarmed or irritated at Buffy, but no one had any particular remarks to make.
 
After a few minutes Buffy said, “Ok, now you’re going to take turns sparring with me. If you can knock me down, we’ll all go home. If I knock you down, someone else gets a turn.”
 
“But Buffy…” Rona said in a concerned voice. “You’re the Slayer? How are we supposed to fight you?”
 
Buffy shrugged. “Work together. Fight dirty. I don’t give a crap. Your job is to take me down. So who’s first?” The girls looked at each other, bewildered. “Kennedy, you always have something to say. Put your money where your mouth is and get up here.”
 
Kennedy narrowed her eyes at Buffy, but got up and faced her. “Fine. Do we bow or something?”
 
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Just fucking hit me already, will you? Or do you plan to talk the Turok-Han to death?”
 
Kennedy balled up her fists and came at Buffy full speed. Buffy ducked and flipped Kennedy over her shoulder to land on her back with the wind knocked out of her. Turning to face the others she snarled, “Come on! If you want to fight a stronger opponent you need to practice that skill. Get up here and fight me, goddammit!”
 
Rona, Vi and Molly looked at each other and came at Buffy together, trying to rush her and get behind her. Buffy took Vi out with a sweeping kick, blocked Molly’s punch and sent her flying into Rona. The girls scrambled up from the ground and backed away from her, terrified.
 
“Come on!” screamed Buffy. “What’s the problem? Everyone wants to train, don’t they? Everyone wants to be able to kill, right?”
 
“Buffy, you’re sorta freaking us out…” said one of the girls. Buffy wasn’t completely sure of her name.
 
“Too fucking bad!” snapped Buffy. “If you don’t like the training, then go back to Giles. Let him train you. This is what I got.” The girls stared at her, not sure what to make of all this. “I mean it. Either stand and fight me, or go back home to Giles and tell him to get you ready to fight.”
 
Kennedy had gotten back up, mad as a cobra and glaring at Buffy. “Come on. Let’s go back home and find a teacher who isn’t psycho.” She turned to go, and the others reluctantly followed her.
 
Buffy watched them go in silence, then turned and went off in the other direction. She walked through town aimlessly until she reached Restfield cemetery. She wandered between the headstones until she reached Spike’s old crypt. She opened the door slowly, wondering if Clem was still living here, or if something else had moved in. But the crypt was empty except for Spike’s old battered armchair and a generous pile of blown-in leaves and dust. She heaved up the trap door and looked down into the lower level, but it was dark, and still full of piles of debris. Apparently, he had never cleaned it out after the explosion. She closed the trapdoor again and looked around in all the corners of the crypt, desperately seeking something of his, but her search turned up nothing but dust and old bones. She sat down on the armchair and drew her knees up to her chest, resting her cheek on them.
 
What do I do Spike? I don’t think we can win this.
 
“You’re right you know. You’re bloody well screwed, Slayer.”
 
Buffy looked up to see Spike, leaning against a coffin, smirking. For a brief moment her heart lifted. He’s alive, it was all a mistake. But she realized a moment later that the look on his face was one she hadn’t seen since they were enemies. “What do you want?” she sighed, knowing she was addressing the First.
 
“Just want to thank you for joining my team, pet,” said the First. The shape of her former lover and comrade sidled closer, putting his tongue between his teeth in that sexy, smirking way he had.
 
“You’re welcome. Now go to hell,” she said, closing her eyes to shut out the sight.
 
“Poor little Slayer,” mocked the First. “She’s got no one to love. No one for a desperate end of the world shag. No one to listen to the woeful tale of how hard it is to be the Slayer with all these little girls orbiting around you like a bunch of chirping little birds.”
 
“Did I not clearly ask you to go to hell?” Buffy said, without lifting her head off of her knees.
 
“Ungrateful bitch,” snarled the Spike-shaped thing. “Not even gone a day and already I’m off your list. Fine then. Maybe you’ll like the next guy I send better. Ta, love.” With that he vanished, leaving Buffy more miserable than before.
 

Disclaimer: All the characters and recognizable dialog belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Certain dialog borrowed from Lies My Parents Told Me and Dirty Girls.
 
Author’s note: This story goes AU at the end of Lies My Parents Told Me, and tends to be a little loose with canon timelines during Dirty Girls and thereafter. I was three-quarters of the way through this story when Terepsina posted her recent tale, with a similar premise. Mine is a bit darker than hers, but I just wanted to state that no plagiarism was intended. Just a random fluke of the BSV. 

************************************
 
Buffy finally wandered home after dark, not bothering to patrol in particular. A vampire came out of an alley after her and she dusted it after a brief tussle, more out of habit than any great desire to rid the world of another vampire. Her stomach started growling as she neared the house, and she realized that she hadn’t actually eaten anything all day. When she opened the door all the voices in the living room stopped dead, and the assembled girls turned to look at her. Some glared, some shrank back a little, but none seemed particularly glad to see her. Saying nothing, Buffy hung up her coat and went into the kitchen, where she found Xander and Anya sitting at the counter with Dawn.
 
“Hey, Buffster,” Xander said when she came in. “People were getting worried about you.”
 
“Sorry,” Buffy muttered. She opened the fridge and pulled out some yogurt and sandwich ingredients. The others watched awkwardly as she made her meal in silence, then took it into the empty dining room to eat.
 
The three Scoobies looked at each other with concern. “What’s wrong with Buffy?” Anya asked.
 
“Think she’s still upset about Spike,” Dawn said quietly.
 
“I don’t get it. He almost rapes her, he kills a bunch of people, tries to eat Andrew – not that I can completely blame him for that – but I mean, he was evil! Why the heavy duty mourning here?” Xander asked.
 
“Maybe it’s the memory of all the orgasms,” Anya offered.
 
“They were friends,” Dawn said quietly. “He was someone she could talk to.”
 
“What are we? Chopped liver?” Xander asked indignantly. “I just don’t understand how she let herself get so close to that thing.”
 
“Xander, whether you liked him or not, clearly Buffy misses him,” Anya observed. “I’m no expert on human emotions, but I think she probably just needs some time to grieve, you know?”
 
“I guess,” Xander said. “But with the whole apocalypse thing breathing down our necks she sorta needs to get over it pretty quick.”
 
“I guess she really freaked the Potentials out today,” Dawn said. “Ran them ragged then wanted them to fight her. After she tossed a few of them around they came home and told Giles. He worked with them on weapons stuff all afternoon, but Buffy just stayed away.”
 
“Maybe one of us should try talking to her,” Anya said.
 
“I suppose I could give it a try,” Xander offered, without much enthusiasm. Talking to an angry Slayer was generally a bad prospect. Steeling himself he got up and made his way into the dining room. Buffy had finished her dinner and was in the process of clearing up. “Can I talk to you Buff?”
 
“What is it?” Buffy responded in an emotionless voice.
 
“I just wondered how you were doing. You seem pretty upset about Spike.”
 
“Gee, why would that be, Xander?” Buffy snapped sarcastically. “Just because Giles decided that it was time for another round of ‘Do what’s best for Buffy’ without consulting me? Just because someone I considered a friend and an ally is gone? Why should I be upset?” She stormed out of the dining room and into the kitchen, dumping her dishes angrily in the sink. She turned as the back door opened, admitting Giles and Robin Wood. Without a word she turned on her heel and walked off to the basement, slamming the door behind her.
 
“Still upset?” Giles asked unnecessarily.
 
“Uh, yeah, you could say that,” said Xander. “Not sure, but I think we’ve moved firmly into the anger stage of the whole grief process.”
 
Robin pursed his lips. “I just don’t understand how a Slayer can be so upset over a vampire. Isn’t that kind of against the natural order of things?”
 
“Preaching to the choir,” said Xander, holding his hands up in surrender.
 
“Xander, could you please assemble all the girls in the living room. I’ll go see if I can talk to her,” Giles said. Xander, only too pleased to avoid the moody Slayer, got up and went with Anya to assemble the throng.
 
Giles steeled himself, then opened the basement door. “Buffy?” he called, walking slowly down the stairs. “I need to talk to you.”
 
“So talk,” Buffy said. She was curled up on Spike’s cot again, facing the wall.
 
“Do you want to explain why the potentials all came back upset this afternoon?” he asked.
 
“I made them run. I tried to make them fight. They wouldn’t. They went home. End of story.” Buffy’s voice was flat and emotionless.
 
“They seemed to think you were acting, I think the term was ‘psycho’?” Buffy shrugged in response. “Buffy, I must insist that you get a hold of yourself. This brooding is getting us nowhere. I am… sorry that I went against your judgment. I was only acting…”
 
“For my own good, yeah, I know,” Buffy interrupted. “How come every time someone acts for my good, I end up hurt? Angel left, Willow dragged me back from heaven – all for my own good. That all worked out well. I felt really good.”
 
“Enough,” said Giles sternly. “I will not sit here and listen to you wallow in self-pity. You need to get upstairs and start rebuilding your relationship with those girls or they are never going to survive this!”
 
“Now you’ve got the idea,” Buffy said bitterly. “Big gold star for Giles.”
 
“I’m going upstairs to start our meeting. Are you coming or not?” Giles demanded, clearly fed up.
 
What are my chances of being left alone if I say no? Buffy wondered. She finally decided to get up, following Giles up the stairs with all the enthusiasm of someone being led to the gallows. She followed Giles into the living room, hovering near the doorway. The talk quieted down as people looked at each other apprehensively.
 
“Good evening,” Giles began. “I thought it might be a good idea to clear the air and develop a coherent training plan that we can all agree on.”
 
Kennedy was unsurprisingly the first to speak up. “It would be great if our instructor wasn’t trying to kill us all the time,” she grumbled, glaring at Buffy. Buffy just kept staring straight ahead of her, giving no sign of having heard.
 
“This is why we need to establish a plan,” Giles persisted. “If we all have a goal, it will be easier for both teacher and student.”
 
“But what are we training for?” asked Molly. “Are we just learning to defend ourselves, or are we planning to go after the enemy or what?”
 
“Someone else is coming,” Buffy said in an emotionless tone.
 
“What do you mean?” Robin asked.
 
“The First appeared to me today. Said I might like the next guy better.”
 
“What next guy?” Giles asked, confused.
 
Buffy shrugged. “Don’t know. Didn’t specify.” She clammed up again, leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed, staring at the floor.
 
“Can you tell us anything else about what he said?” Giles asked. “It could give us a clue.”
 
“No,” Buffy said shortly. She had no need to bring up those hateful words, spoken in the voice of the man she loved and missed.
 
When it was clear that no other information was to be gotten out of the Slayer, Giles turned back to the assembled group. “As I said, let’s come up with a training plan. Buffy? What do you think will be most helpful?”
 
“Whatever. Just tell me what you want me to do,” she responded.
 
“Thanks so much for your wisdom, fearless leader,” Kennedy scoffed.
 
Buffy straightened up minutely and fixed Kennedy with a cold, deadly glare. “I tried to lead. All I got was lies and people deciding they knew better than me. So fine. Have it your way. I’ll do what you ask me to do. But I am not your leader.”
 
“Buffy, you’re the most experienced fighter we have,” Robin said. “We really need your input.”
 
“No, you need a scapegoat to blame when it all goes wrong. Since you conveniently eliminated the other scapegoat, I don’t see any reason to take his place.” Buffy stood up, fighting to keep the tears at bay. “When you come up with your grand plan, let me know.” With that she turned and left, returning to the basement and slamming the door behind her.
 
“Whatever. We don’t need her anyway,” Kennedy declared.
 
“Kennedy, shut your mouth for once,” Giles snapped. Kennedy was a bit taken aback, but she shut up when she saw the eyes of Robin, Giles, Xander, and Anya all glaring at her. “Alright, let’s see what we need to work on…” Uneasily, they started to make their plans.
 
*********************
 
Buffy went back to Spike’s cot and lay down once more, rubbing her cheeks on the pillow he slept on, trying desperately to hold on to some part of him. So many times in the past weeks she had come down here, tired, irritated, world-weary, and he had just listened. She supposed he had always done that, when it came down to it, but sex and violence had always gotten in the way. She could have had so much love from him all along, and she had pushed it away. I’m sorry Spike. I never really got to tell you that. All that crap I dished out on you last year… She sighed and picked up the book of sonnets. She never really realized how much of a poetry buff Spike was, although she supposed if she had paused to look at the titles of the books she knocked out of his hand before jumping him she might have been surprised. The iambic pentameter formed a soothing rhythm in her mind as she read. She had never been much of a scholar, and some of the poems didn’t make a lot of sense to her. But she could imagine the words being spoken in his low British voice, and it sounded like music in her imagination.
 
She wasn’t sure how long she had been down there when the basement door opened slowly. “Buffy? Can I come down?” asked Dawn timidly.
 
“Sure,” Buffy responded, closing the book and sitting up on the cot.
 
“What are you doing down here?” Dawn asked, sitting down next to Buffy.
 
Buffy shrugged. “Reading. Nothing much.” After the silence had stretched out for a moment or two she added, “Is the meeting over?”
 
“Yeah,” said Dawn. “I guess they came up with some sort of training plan. Some combination of Watcher’s standard stuff with some extras thrown in.”
 
“Guess Giles can handle it then,” Buffy said, staring at her lap.
 
Dawn frowned. “Buffy, you can’t just give up. They need you. The girls need to see that you’re still trying. If you can’t do it, then they know they can’t.”
 
“Maybe I can do it. But I don’t know if I care,” said Buffy in a desperate tone that sent chills down Dawn’s spine.
 
“Buffy you’re not…” Dawn couldn’t even voice her fears of losing her sister again.
 
“No, I don’t have any great suicide plan, if that’s what you mean,” Buffy said, reading Dawn’s meaning. “But I don’t want to lead this charge either.”
 
“But why?” Dawn pleaded, trying to understand. “Is it because of Spike?”
 
“Yeah,” said Buffy in a small voice.
 
“But you and he weren’t… together any more or anything. He was an ally, but so were the Potentials who died. You didn’t stop fighting because of them. You didn’t even stop when mom died!” Dawn responded bitterly.
 
“He loved me, Dawn,” Buffy tried to explain. “He always had my back. And in these past few weeks, watching him fight, watching him become a better man, for me, I guess I grew to love him too.” Unbidden, a few tears found their way down her cheek.
 
“But you loved Angel, and killed him, and moved on after he left!” Dawn persisted.
 
“And this time it’s different,” Buffy said. “I don’t… I don’t know why. But I know that I needed him, and he’s gone. And he was taken away by the person who’s supposed to be my guide, who lied to me, who went behind my back. He only wants me to lead when I do what he wants. So fine. He can decide what he wants. I’m done leading.”
 
“So you’re just going to let everyone down, just because Spike is gone?” Dawn snapped. Her angry tone masked a sudden fear. If Buffy was truly quitting, what was going to happen to all of them?
 
Buffy sighed and rubbed her temples. “Dawn, I’m not abandoning you, ok?” she said in an exhausted voice. “I’m just… I’m having a hard time right now.” She dropped her head into her hands, trying to fight the urge to either lash out or curl up and cry again.
Dawn’s response was cut off by the sound of the door opening, and soon Xander appeared at the bottom of the stairs. “Buffy! Willow’s back. They found a Potential who’d been stabbed. She says she has a message for you, but she’s in surgery now. Giles would like you to come to the hospital.”
 
Buffy remained where she was for a few more moments, desperately wishing it would all just… stop. Finally she mustered enough will to get up and said, “Fine. I’m coming.” She and Dawn followed Xander up the stairs. Giles was waiting in the living room to drive Buffy to the hospital. By some silent agreement, Xander and Dawn stayed behind, leaving Buffy to follow Giles to the car. They rode much of the way there in awkward silence. Giles tried to ask Buffy her opinion about what had happened to the Potential, but she mumbled, “We’ll see what she says.” She clammed up again and Giles couldn’t get a word out of her the rest of the ride.
 
She’s acting like a stubborn child, Giles grumbled to himself. His irritation at her behavior was heightened by apprehension over the current state of affairs. There was a storm coming, and if they didn’t pull as one they were all going down. I should have been more firm with her when she was younger. I should have nipped this whole vampire obsession in the bud years ago. But even as the thought arose, he realized its futility. With Buffy, there were no certainties, and she ultimately obeyed no one’s rules unless she chose to.
 
They reached the hospital and made their way to the emergency ward. When they entered Willow rose from her seat in the waiting room and came to meet them. “She’s out of surgery, but still unconscious. Hopefully she’ll be able to talk to us soon.”
 
“You left her unguarded?” Giles asked in alarm.
 
“No, Faith’s with her,” Willow answered.
 
Buffy looked up. “Faith? As in tried to kill me, should still be incarcerated Faith?”
 
Willow took a deep breath. “Angelus was back. Faith broke out of prison to help get him under control until I could restore Angel’s soul. She came with me to join the fight against the First.”
 
“So a rogue slayer that I don’t trust is okay, but a souled vampire that I did trust is a problem. I see. Makes perfect sense,” Buffy growled sarcastically.
 
Giles ground his teeth slightly in frustration, but said, “If she was able to help get Angel back, I think that shows she has reformed. In any event, she is here, and we should use her talents.” To Willow he said, “Can you take us to the Potential?”
 
“Follow me,” said Willow. She led Giles and Buffy to the elevator, and up to the third floor. They walked down the hall to a room in the intensive care ward. When they entered, Faith jumped up and whirled, relaxing only when she saw who it was.
 
“Giles! B! Long time no see,” Faith said. Buffy fixed her with a cold stare, which made Faith remark nervously, “Any way we can call a truce for the moment, B? I’m not really in the mood for another coma and all that.”
 
“It’s good to have you back on our side, Faith,” Giles said.
 
“Has she said anything?” Buffy said, completely disregarding the whole interchange. She moved over to the side of the bed, observing the pale occupant. “What happened to her neck?”
 
Willow shook her head. “Some sort of burn mark. Like someone branded her or something.” Just then the girl started stirring, and after a few moments her eyes fluttered open.
 
“Where am I?” she asked in a tired voice.
 
“You’re in the hospital. You’re safe,” said Giles. “I’m Rupert Giles – I believe you were trying to reach me. This is Willow, Faith, and Buffy. What is your name?”
 
“I’m Shannon,” she said. With a bit of an effort, she turned to face Buffy. “Are you the Slayer?”
 
“Yeah. One of them, at least,” Buffy answered.
 
“The man who did this, said to tell you that he has something of yours,” Shannon said.
 
“What man?” Buffy asked. “Can you tell us about him?”
 
“He was dressed like a preacher. I was running from the Bringers and he stopped and picked me up. At first he seemed nice but then he said horrible things, and said the Bringers were working with him. Then he burned me with his ring and stabbed me, and told me to give you the message.” Shannon closed her eyes again for a moment, the effort having exhausted her.
 
“We should let you rest,” Giles said. “Willow, can you stay with her for a while?”
 
“Sure, Giles,” agreed the witch. Giles, Faith, and Buffy filed from the room.
 
“What was that all about?” Faith asked.
 
Buffy shrugged. “Not sure. What do you want to do about it?” she said to Giles in an uninterested tone.
 
Faith was a bit puzzled at Buffy’s response. Her memory of Buffy had been one of a woman of action, not one who waited to be told what to do. But here in the biggest crisis of her life, Buffy seemed unconcerned and apathetic. Clearly there was something she had missed, but now was not the time to hash it out. Both Slayers looked to Giles, who said, “We need to do some more investigation on this preacher. Buffy, can you stay and talk to her some more? Find out anything you can. I’ll take Faith home and get her settled.”
 
“She can have my room,” Buffy said. “But the basement is off limits to everyone unless I say otherwise.”
 
“Um, okay,” Faith said, now thoroughly confused. “Thanks B.”
 
“Don’t mention it,” she said. Buffy turned without another word and went back into Shannon’s room.
 
“What’s eating her?” Faith asked. “Never seen her so touchy before.”
 
“It’s a long story,” Giles sighed. “Let’s get you settled, and I’ll fill you in later.”
 
Giles drove back to Revello Drive and led Faith into the house. He introduced her to the other Slayers, and a long time was spent explaining who she was, and what her circumstances were. Then Giles was pulled away by Robin Wood for a discussion, leaving Faith feeling a bit at sea. She went up to throw her bag in Buffy’s room, then wandered down to the kitchen. The only person currently in the kitchen was Xander, who was polishing off a slice of pizza amid a pile of empty boxes.
 
“Hey, Harris, you still hanging around here?” Faith said by way of greeting.
 
“Guess so. You still with the murderous impulses, I hope not?”
 
“Nah, I’m back in the fold,” Faith said. After a moment she added, “Can you tell me what the deal is with B? She’s acting like someone ran over her puppy or something. It’s really weirding me out.”
 
Xander took a deep breath. “Better sit down, this might take a while.” Faith took his advice and parked herself on a stool at the counter. “Do you remember Spike?”
 
“Yeah. Hot British vampire guy, right?”
 
“Yes on the British and vampire, not one to judge the hotness factor,” Xander said. “Anyhow, he and Buffy had a thing last year.”
 
“B got it on with Spike?” Faith said, her jaw dropping in astonishment. “Miss Slayer of the Year and a vamp with no soul?”
 
“Yeah. She was pretty messed up last year. The whole thing ended really, really ugly on all sides.”
 
“Ok, so it ended. Did she dust him or something?” Faith was still confused.
 
“No. Things got really bad though.” Xander figured that Buffy could explain the whole ‘he’s my friend even though he tried to rape me’ thing, because he sure as hell couldn’t understand that aspect. “Spike ended up leaving and went out to get his soul back.”
 
“Holy shit,” breathed Faith. “How is that even possible? I mean, I thought Angel was sort of a one-of-a-kind deal with that.”
 
Xander shrugged. “No idea how he did it. He came back completely nuts at first. Then the First started messing with him.”
 
“How so?”
 
“The First was triggering him to kill again,” Xander explained. “But somehow he and Buffy became friends again. She even got his chip removed when it was malfunctioning, even though we didn’t know how the First was controlling him.”
 
“So what happened already?” Faith asked impatiently.
 
“Giles and Robin decided he was too much of a risk. They were worried he was going to turn on us at some crucial moment because the First told him to. So they went behind Buffy’s back and dusted him.”
 
“Whoa, back up there,” Faith said. “Giles dusted B’s man? That’s harsh.”
 
Xander shook his head. “At the time, I was completely on Giles’ side. I never liked the guy, with or without the soul, and the whole trigger thing was no end of badness. I mean, he was killing and turning people and didn’t remember it. Not someone you want sleeping in a house full of teenagers.”
 
“What do you think now?” Faith asked.
 
Xander frowned. “I think that he and Buffy were closer than I wanted to admit, closer than any of us understood. She’s really broken up about it.”
 
“So she’s just giving up?”
 
“I don’t know if she’s giving up, but she seems done being the leader of the club that’s made for you and me,” Xander said. “She basically said that if Giles is going to go behind her back then he can take over the leader job.”
 
“Wow,” Faith said, digesting the information. “Had no idea she had it so bad for Spike. Last I heard she was still carrying a torch for Angel.”
 
“You’ve been away a long time,” Xander said gently. “A lot has changed.”
 
“Yeah,” she agreed. With a crooked smile she said, “I hear you’ve got yourself a girl. What’s her name? Anya?”
 
“Well, that whole situation’s sort of complicated,” Xander admitted. “I sort of left her at the altar. We’re only just now getting back on speaking terms.”
 
“Man, I go away for a while and you all go to hell in a hand basket,” Faith said.
 
“It’s good that you’re back, Faith,” Xander said with a smile. “We’re going to need all the help we can get.”
 
Faith wondered at the feeling that someone genuinely seemed to appreciate her presence. “I think it will be good to have a team to play on again,” she said. Then she added, “Hey, is there any more of that pizza left?” Xander passed her the box, and they enjoyed a few moments of relative normalcy.
 

Disclaimer: All the characters and recognizable dialog belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Certain dialog borrowed from Lies My Parents Told Me and Dirty Girls. 

Thanks for the reivews so far! This will be a fairly short fic, so you won't have to wait long for the end.

*****************************

Giles went back to the hospital after an hour or two, to find Willow sitting alone with Shannon, who was sleeping. “Hey, Giles,” she said quietly. “I think we can probably leave her now. No one seems to be coming to finish the job, and she just needs to rest.” Giles nodded, and followed Willow out into the hall.
 
“Where’s Buffy?” Giles asked. Buffy’s moody behavior was becoming more and more of an annoyance to him.
 
“She asked Shannon some more questions, then she went to patrol,” Willow answered as they walked down to the parking garage.
 
Well at least she’s remembered some of her duties, Giles thought. Aloud he said, “What did you find out?”
 
“The preacher guy’s name is Caleb. He seems to have a huge hatred for women going. Kept talking about sinful girls and things. He wasn’t the First, I mean, he could definitely touch things, but he seems to be in league with the First. Said the Bringers were ‘his boys’ and that he had something of the Slayer’s. That was about all Shannon remembered,” Willow finished.
 
“Hmm. I guess we’ll have to see what we can dig up about this Caleb,” Giles said. “We should go get some rest, get a fresh start in the morning.”
 
“Definitely. I’m beat.” At this point they had reached Willow’s car. She hesitated a moment, then said, “Giles, I’m worried about Buffy. She’s just going through the motions again, just like last year. It’s like she doesn’t care what happens.”
 
Giles took off his glasses and started polishing them as he considered. “I think we need to actively pull her into the circle. She cannot be allowed to wallow in the basement. I think if she goes through the right motions enough times she’ll see that there is a bigger concern out there than her feelings toward Spike. We should enlist Dawn’s help as well – Buffy may be angry at me, but she won’t abandon Dawn.”
 
“Guess there’s no harm in trying,” Willow said doubtfully. “See you back at the house, Giles.” She got in her car and drove back to Revello Drive. She considered different ways of drawing Buffy back into the group, but all the while the doubts lingered. Willow felt, deep down, that Giles had completely misread the situation and had made a potentially fatal error.
 
**********************
 
Buffy patrolled out of force of habit and a desire to be alone, but her heart wasn’t in it. She dusted a few fledglings, and interrupted some demon’s attempt at dragging off some co-ed, but otherwise didn’t make much of an effort to hunt down trouble. Her wanderings took her once more to Restfield, where she found herself drawn again to Spike’s old crypt. She wasn’t sure why it comforted her so much. He hadn’t lived there for months, and his stuff was all gone or destroyed. But somehow the memory of their wild couplings, the alternating bouts of fighting and unexpected tenderness, seemed to pervade the place. She went in and curled up once more in the armchair, closing her eyes and remembering.
 
There had been a night where she had come to him almost completely exhausted. She had worked a double shift on a really busy night, and had run into an enormous nest of vampires on patrol. She had contemplated just going home that night, but her feet and her ever present need had brought her to Spike’s crypt. Spike had been openly concerned about her, and had taken care of her. He had taken off her clothes gently, as opposed to their usual tearing and rending, and she had been too tired to protest. He had laid her down and massaged her back and neck until all the tension had melted away and she was a pliant puddle on his satin sheets. Then he had rolled her over and gone down on her, again taking his time, exploring every inch of her with his clever tongue and fingers. She had moaned and sighed, and when the orgasm finally hit she had screamed his name in utter ecstasy. When he moved up to enter her it was all done with infinite tenderness, touching her deeply in all her most sensitive spots, while his cool hands had worshipped her breasts, her neck, her face. He had been beautiful in the candlelight, and he had called her name like some sort of exultant prayer when he came. She had for once allowed herself to fall asleep in his embrace, and for a short while had found peace. She frowned to herself now, remembering how it had ended as always with her waking up, shoving him aside rudely, and bolting, disgusted with herself. Stupidest thing I ever did, she thought regretfully.
 
“So have you decided to move in or something?” Buffy looked up and saw the First, still wearing Spike’s form, smirking at her from across the room.
 
“Yeah, I really dig the ‘early dead stuff’ look,” Buffy shot back sarcastically. “Don’t you cosmic evil things have anything better to do than pester me?”
 
“Not at present, kitten,” said the First. “I mean, my friend Caleb is going to be doing a lot of the legwork for me in the near future, so I can occupy myself elsewhere. Good to have a team, yeah?”
 
Buffy knew she shouldn’t listen. But her aching heart was desperate to hear the sound of Spike’s voice. That mellow, liquid accent had always had a certain allure, even when they were enemies. “So are you going to be a good little cosmic evil thing and tell me your grand plan?”
 
“This isn’t the movies, pet. No big monologue revealing all my evil secrets.”
 
“Then I guess you have nothing much to say, do you?” she responded.
 
The First looked at her with Spike’s smoldering blue eyes, and sauntered closer, leaning against the nearest sarcophagus and fixing her with a mocking stare. “He’s being tormented, you know,” said the First.
 
“What?” Buffy asked apprehensively.
 
“Your little tame vampire. Went straight to hell, he did. Seems that even getting a soul isn’t going to save you from your sins. He and his soul are burning.” Buffy paled and turned away, not wanting to hear any of this. The First moved nearer, crouching down to catch her eyes. “You’ve seen a vampire in the sunlight? The way they burn, and scream, and writhe. Imagine that forever, without dusting, without an end.” Spike’s voice softened to a low, deadly whisper. “That’s where your lover is, Slayer. Too bad you couldn’t have saved him. Might have had time to redeem himself. As it is, your failure means he will suffer for all eternity.” The last words were spoken into her ear, like the whispers of a terrible lover.
 
“NO!” screamed Buffy. She rocketed from her chair and ran from the crypt, leaving the First behind her laughing in her wake. Buffy ran home without stopping, tears running like rain down her cheeks as she fled. When she reached her house she bolted inside, knocking aside Dawn and Kennedy without even seeing them as she lunged for the basement door and sped downstairs, slamming it behind her. She curled up in a ball on Spike’s cot, weeping hysterically. After a few minutes Dawn came downstairs, and seeing her sister’s distress, came and sat next to her on the bed. Wordlessly she put her arms around Buffy, adding a few tears of her own as she comforted her sister.
 
It took ages for Buffy to calm down. At one point Willow looked in on them, but Dawn shook her head, warning her off. Buffy finally cried herself out and just lay there miserable and silent. “Do you want to talk about it?” Dawn asked.
 
“I can’t,” she croaked. “He’s gone. I failed him.”
 
“Buffy this wasn’t your fault,” Dawn argued.
 
“I should have gotten there sooner. I could have stopped it,” she insisted. They huddled together for a while longer until Buffy said, “You should probably go to bed, Dawnie.”
 
“You should too,” Dawn replied.
 
Buffy shook her head. “Please. I want to stay here. I feel closer to him here.”
 
Dawn’s heart ached for her sister, but in the end she left her there with Spike’s things and went upstairs. It was late, approaching midnight, but Giles was still there, having a cup of tea in the kitchen and discussing things with Willow in a low voice. “What happened?” he asked as Dawn came upstairs.
 
“She wouldn’t say,” Dawn said. “Giles, she’s blaming herself for Spike’s death. She just couldn’t stop crying.” Dawn sounded on the verge of tears again herself.
 
“What are we going to do?” Willow wondered. “We really need her.”
 
“I need to find some way to make things right with her,” Giles said. “I had no idea how badly this decision would affect her. I didn’t feel like we had the time to wait to get her on board with the idea.”
 
Willow said gently, “Giles, she never would have gone along with this idea. Not in a million years. I don’t think she’s ever going to trust you again.”
 
“She’s… broken Giles,” Dawn said, and this time the tears did slip out. “I’m so afraid she’s going to… get hurt.”
 
“Oh come now,” Giles said. “I know she is extremely upset, but I hardly think she is suicidal.”
 
“But is she going to keep fighting?” Willow asked.
 
“I hope so, for all our sakes,” Giles sighed. “I could try talking to her again, I suppose.”
 
“Not tonight, Giles,” Dawn said. “Just… leave her be, okay?” And Giles had no choice but to agree, and worry.
 
******************
 
Buffy woke early, after a night punctuated by tormented dreams. She kept seeing Spike burning, screaming, crying out to her for help, and being powerless to stop his pain. She sat up, her head aching and her mouth dry. She realized that she had forgotten to eat again. Bad habit, Buffy, she said to herself. She went upstairs into the quiet house, the sounds of sleeping girls trickling in from the living room. She went to the kitchen and scrounged around, coming up with some cold pizza which she ate as is. She finished and went upstairs to the bathroom, took a few painkillers, then got in the shower. She stood there for a long time under the spray, eyes closed. She was probably using all the hot water, but she found that she didn’t give a crap. Wonder if anyone would notice if I just stayed here forever, she mused. But she realized that someone would have to pee at some point, so she sighed, grabbed the shampoo, and finished up. Quietly, she opened the door to her room to find Faith in the bed, and a few other potentials on the floor. She stepped over them cautiously to get to her closet. She grabbed several outfits, and a handful of undergarments, then made her way back out.
 
Faith, who had woken up when she entered, watched her through half open eyes. Buffy had always been the tanned California girl, but now she seemed so pale, and skinny to the point of unhealthiness. Good God, B, what’s happened to you? Faith had been filled in by Willow about the whole death and resurrection thing, but she couldn’t have imagined her fellow Slayer in this state. Making up her mind, Faith got up and took a shower, then dressed and headed downstairs.
 
Buffy had changed, made herself a cup of instant coffee, and taken it out to the back porch. She sat there staring into the mug, remembering the night she found out about her mother’s tumor. Spike had come ready to kill her, but had unexpectedly sat down and comforted her instead. It had seemed so awkward at the time, but she had been grateful for someone who was just there for her. Why did he do that? I treated him like shit that night. Threw money at him like he was some kind of… information whore. He had every right to blow my brains out. Sometimes in her dark moments, she wished he had. Without the whole mystic death loophole, no one would have been able to pull her back. She would have been at peace. She never would have had to face her mom’s death, her own resurrection, all the pain she and Spike dished out for each other, and now losing Spike. Should have done that Slayer of Slayers thing and put me out of my misery.
 
Her morbid wallowing was interrupted by Faith coming out onto the porch. “Can I join you, B?” she asked.
 
Buffy shrugged. “Suit yourself.”
 
Faith sat down next to her and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “Do you mind?”
 
“Be my guest,” Buffy said. Normally she found the smell of cigarettes disgusting, but right now they reminded her of Spike, and she took in the scent with a little sigh.
 
“You really were sweet on this guy, huh?” Faith said, looking out into the morning as she smoked.
 
“Yeah,” Buffy said. “He was always there for me. He said he w… wouldn’t leave me.” She was having trouble keeping her voice under control, but something about Faith gave her the ability to open up somewhat.
 
“You and I’ve had a lot of folks run out on us,” Faith observed. “My dad was a no-show, same as yours. I always envied you your mom and your sister, your boyfriends, your watcher. I guess we’re on the same page now.”
 
“Seems like it,” Buffy said.
 
“Everyone’s pretty scared about what’s going down around here,” Faith said after a few moments.
 
“I know. And I know I should be doing something all leader-y to make them feel better. But I just don’t have the strength anymore. I’m just so tired of it all.”
 
“What is this First Evil thing anyway? I thought it can’t touch you. So if you can take out those Bringers, should be able to keep a handle on things.”
 
“It gets into your head,” Buffy said, staring at the ground. “I mean, it doesn’t seem to control people the way it controlled Spike. But it tells you just enough of the truth to really hurt you. It plays with you, and torments you.”
 
Faith looked at Buffy searchingly. “Messed with you, huh?”
 
“Yeah,” Buffy said softly. “It takes the form of people who… who died. Sometimes Spike said it looked like me, or Drusilla, or the Master. When it comes to me, it looks like Spike,” she finished in a broken whisper.
 
“What did it say?” Faith asked. Then she realized that Buffy might not want to talk about it, and backpedaled, saying, “Sorry, I had no right to ask about that.”
 
“It told me Spike was in hell,” she whispered. She didn’t even notice Faith’s troubled look as the words started spilling out. “It told me he was being tormented. That his soul didn’t save him. It said… that I had doomed him to pain for all time because I didn’t get there in time…” Buffy covered her face with her hands, shuddering.
 
“But you didn’t kill him, B,” Faith said. “That’s on Giles and what’s his name. Wood. They killed him, not you.”
 
“I know,” Buffy said in a small voice. “But if I was faster I could have stopped them.” She wrapped her arms around herself in her misery.
 
Faith was at a loss. “Don’t know what to say,” she said finally.
 
“It’s o..okay,” Buffy stammered, sniffling and wiping her eyes on the backs of her hands. “Thanks.”
 
“For what?”
 
“For just listening and not telling me to get over it,” Buffy explained. “Hasn’t been a ton of support around here.”
 
“Hey, any time B,” Faith replied. She stubbed out her cigarette and stood up. “You coming inside? Sounds like the troops are waking up.”
 
“I’ll come in a bit,” she said. Faith nodded and left her sitting there. Her coffee was cold, and she still felt miserable, but it had helped to unburden herself a bit. Still wish you were here, Spike. She contemplated the coffee for a few more minutes, then dumped it into the bushes and went inside.
 
The troops were indeed up, and Buffy made a half-hearted attempt to smile at the ones who said good morning to her. Kennedy was still giving her dirty looks, but Buffy couldn’t summon up the urge to care. As the kitchen was becoming a morass of foraging teens, Buffy made her way to the living room. She curled up in a chair and closed her eyes for a moment, suddenly tired from her sleepless night.
 
The sound of the door opening woke her from her doze a while later, as Giles arrived to start the day. Buffy sat up as he came into the living room, regarding him with resignation. “Morning,” she said shortly.
 
“Good morning, Buffy. It’s good to see you,” Giles ventured.
 
“What’s on the to-do list for today?” she asked in a monotone.
 
Giles regarded her and made a decision. “Buffy, I owe you an apology. I should not have gone behind your back like that. I regret all the pain that I’ve caused you. Is there any way you can forgive me?”
 
“Not really, Giles. But thanks for saying it,” Buffy said.
 
Giles was taken aback by her forthrightness. He realized that he had gotten used to Buffy always acting strong, her natural generosity and concern for others surrounding her like a perfume. But now he wondered how much of it was an act. What was really going on in that head of hers? “I… appreciate your honesty,” he said at last. “I do hope we can find some way to work together to get past this crisis.”
 
Buffy shrugged. “We’ll see. So what do you want to do next?”
 
I want you to stop with the passive-aggressive bollocks and get back in the game! Giles thought with a heavy dose of irritation. Aloud he said, “We need to find out more about this Caleb character and his intentions.”
 
“I guess I should find him,” Buffy said. “He has something of mine. It could be a Potential.”
 
“It could be a stapler,” Giles countered. “We don’t want to go diving into a trap.”
 
“Well, unless he has a website called EvilPreacherGuys.com, we’re going to have to hunt him down in order to find more about him.”
 
Giles frowned. “I am just concerned about taking on this new threat before we have enough information.”
 
Buffy stood up, suddenly aggravated. “Giles, make up your damn mind. Do you want me to lead or not? If I make a decision you don’t like, you shoot me down, or do an end run around me. If I stay in the background, I’m not doing my duty. What the hell do you want from me?” Buffy’s voice had risen to a loud enough volume to draw a few curious heads poking in from the kitchen.
 
Giles started to reply, shut his mouth and frowned, then finally said, “Alright. You and Faith should go scout around after sunset. See what you can find. Between now and then, we will do as much research as we can to narrow down the search. You can work with the potentials on their weapons in the mean time.”
 
“Fine,” Buffy snarled. She stalked out of the room to go find Faith, leaving a troubled Giles behind her.
 
**********************
 
The day passed reasonably quickly. Buffy and Faith demonstrated techniques and held targets for the girls. Buffy said as little as she could get away with, leaving Faith struggling to explain things to the girls. In the end, several of them seemed to be really coming along, and Giles nodded approvingly as he watched from the porch. When it got to be dinner time, Faith called for an end to the session, and joined Buffy in putting away the gear. “How you doing, B?” she inquired carefully.
 
“Alright, I guess,” Buffy said. “Just trying to keep moving, you know?”
 
“Yeah, I get it,” Faith said. They went inside and helped Dawn and Andrew cook up a big pot of spaghetti with store bought sauce for everyone. Everyone praised their efforts, the potentials being starved after a long day of exercise, but Buffy found herself uninterested in eating.. She picked at her pasta, none of the conversation registering in her head at all. So when Faith asked her about going out to hunt for Caleb, she didn’t respond, but continued toying idly with her fork.
 
“Buffy? Are you there?” Faith asked.
 
Buffy finally heard her and looked up, “I’m sorry. Wasn’t paying attention. What did you say?”
 
“I asked if we had a plan yet for hunting down this Caleb guy,” Faith repeated.
 
“Dunno. Did you guys find out anything?” Buffy asked Willow.
 
Willow shook her head. “There are a few possible leads – unsolved murders at churches and monasteries and stuff like that. But other than that weird burn mark showing up here and there, no real mention of this guy.”
 
Buffy stared at her plate for a moment. “Are there any old monasteries or stuff like that where he could hide around here?”
 
“I don’t think so,” Willow answered.
 
“What about that old winery place on the edge of town?” Xander offered. “Wasn’t that a monastery way back when?”
 
“You’re right,” Willow said. “Their label had some sort of drunken monk on it or something, didn’t it?”
 
“I guess we could check it out,” Faith offered. “What do you think, B?”
 
“Sounds like a plan,” she said. She stood up and cleared her place. “I’ll be downstairs. Let me know when you want to go.” She left the group and they listened as she quietly closed the basement door behind her.
 
“What do you think we’ll do if we find him?” Faith asked.
 
“We must be cautious,” Giles said. “We don’t know what we’re up against, and we don’t want to bite off more than we can chew.”
 
“Well, I guess Buffy and I should get going,” Faith said, noticing the sunset outside. She got up and went down to the basement, where Buffy sat reading Byron on the cot with one leg tucked under her. “Didn’t peg you for the literary type, B,” she commented.
 
“They were Spike’s,” Buffy answered softly. She closed the book and stroked the cover longingly. She reluctantly put it aside and stood up. “Time to go?”
 
“Yeah. We might as well check out that old vineyard first thing.” Buffy followed Faith upstairs to change into black outfits.
 
They headed out to the edge of town, walking quickly but not speaking. About halfway to their destination, Buffy grabbed Faith’s arm and whispered, “Look there!”
 
Faith saw the shadowy figure of a Bringer slinking into an alleyway. “Should we take him out?”
 
“No, let’s follow him, see where he goes,” said Buffy. They set off, trailing the Bringer silently, following him at a distance until they saw him heading directly to the old vineyard.
 
“Don’t have a good feeling about this, B,” Faith whispered. “He wants to be seen and followed. It’s obvious. It’s got to be a trap.”
 
They paused in some bushes and saw other bringers entering the old building as well. “Well whatever this Caleb guy has, it’s in there,” Buffy decided. “We should go tell Giles.” They got up and stealthily made their way back toward Revello Drive.
 
******************
 
Potentials filed into the living room the next morning to hear Buffy and Faith give their report of what they had seen. They described the Bringers congregating at the old vineyard. “I think we should take the fight to them,” Buffy said when they were finished. “We can get in, make sure there are no Potentials or anything tied up, take out this Caleb guy, and burn the place to the ground. It will set the First back a ways, give us some breathing room.”
 
“I don’t know, Buffy,” Xander said doubtfully. “This thing seems to have ‘trap’ written all over it in neon letters.”
 
“Well what do you propose? Sitting here waiting to be attacked? We can do a strike force with the most experienced girls, get in, and get out.”
 
“I still don’t feel we have enough information about this Caleb to mount a good defense,” Giles said.
 
“He’s a person. He should be killable,” Buffy said.
 
“Faith, what do you think?” Giles asked.
 
Faith considered. “I think it’s a trap as well,” she said at last. “But maybe we need to spring the trap if we’re going to find out anything useful.”
 
Giles hesitated. He knew that overriding the Slayers was going to undermine the leadership he was desperately trying to get them to assume, but at the same time he had grave doubts. “I would feel better if we had a way to make a hasty retreat,” he said at last.
 
“How about you, Xander, and Robin drive us all there,” Buffy said. “Willow can stay here to protect those that don’t come.”
 
Giles thought about it, then reluctantly said, “Alright. But you should go armed, and be prepared to retreat if things go badly.”
 
The meeting broke up, and Faith started working on a list of who should go. Buffy drifted downstairs again, back to Spike’s cot. The scent of cigarettes was fading from the pillow, and it caused her a physical ache to realize that. She had seen the hesitation in Giles’ eyes about the plan to go after Caleb. She supposed he had a point – it could be a trap. But she couldn’t bring herself to care very much. Either we’ll win, or we’ll lose. Either way, gives me something to do. She smoothed Spike’s pillow, then with a sigh went back upstairs to find weapons and prepare.
 
When night fell, the chosen group packed into three cars and drove off to the vineyard, parking a ways down the road. It was agreed that the three drivers would hang toward the back, ready to race to the cars if a quick getaway was needed. Buffy and Faith went in first, the armed potentials grouped behind them. Inside they found a large warehouse-like space, filled with enormous wine casks and dust. They crept in cautiously, all senses on the alert.
 
“Welcome,” said a drawling voice, as Caleb stepped from the shadows. “I’ve been waiting for you girls. Come to try to redeem your weak souls?”
 
“No, come to kill your sorry ass,” Kennedy snarled.
 
“You need to watch your mouth, young lady,” Caleb said sternly. “Remember, the wages of sin are death.” With that a crowd of twenty Bringers emerged from the shadows and attacked. The girls fought like demons, felling several Bringers, but they were gradually being surrounded. Buffy and Faith joined in the fray, and the Bringers were soon reduced by half. But just as the girls started getting the upper hand, Caleb joined the battle. He grabbed Kennedy by the throat and squeezed as she struggled and kicked. “Not much to say now little lady?” he said. He reached up and with a resounding crack snapped her neck and tossed her body into the corner.
 
“NO!” yelled Faith, and she and Buffy turned to mount a full assault on the preacher. They were dismayed to find their blows parried with ease. Faith was thrown halfway across the room, landing dazed against a wine cask. A Bringer approached her, but she regained her feet in time to take her battle axe to his head.
 
“Faith, get them out of here!” screamed Buffy, still grappling with Caleb. Faith obeyed and yelled “Get out! Now!” to the remaining potentials. They turned and fought their way toward the door, losing Caridad along the way, but taking out the few Bringers that barred their path. Outside, Giles, Xander and Robin were dealing with Bringers who had come up behind them. “We gotta get out of here!” Faith cried to them. Together the girls and the men dispatched the remaining Bringers then moved as fast as they could toward the cars, nursing broken arms, bleeding cuts, and bruised skulls.
 
Halfway to the cars Giles realized who was missing. “Buffy! Where’s Buffy?”
 
Buffy was at that moment fighting tooth and nail. All the grief and anger was being channeled into her fists and feet as she desperately tried to land blows on the preacher. Caleb mocked her saying, “How the unrighteous do struggle. You have been a dirty little girl haven’t you? Spreading your sinful legs for every demon in Sunnydale. Whore.” He backhanded her and sent her sprawling.
 
“Got a point there, love,” said the First, suddenly appearing in Spike’s form. “You are quite the groupie, aren’t you?”
 
The distraction was enough for Caleb to suddenly get a hold of Buffy by the throat. “Need to learn the error of your ways, missy,” he said with a false smile. Without releasing her, he reached down to grab a Bringer’s fallen knife. “No time like the present.” With that he narrowed his eyes and stabbed her in the stomach. Buffy’s eyes widened in pain and shock and despair. Dropping the knife, Caleb grabbed her with both hands and pulled her close to his face. “Thus endeth the lesson,” he whispered. Then with supernatural strength he threw her through the door.
 
Faith was heading back to the building when the doors flew open and a body came flying through. “Buffy!” called Faith. She ran with her heart in her throat to where Buffy lay, crumpled and bleeding but still alive. Faith grabbed her and hauled her up, throwing Buffy over her shoulder in a fireman’s carry and sprinting toward Giles’ car. Faith and Giles maneuvered Buffy into the back seat. Giles ran around to start the car, while Faith climbed in beside Buffy. “Go! Get us out of here!” Faith screamed, and Giles complied, flooring it and spraying gravel as he spun around toward Sunnydale.
 
Buffy lay with wide open eyes, her breath coming in shallow gasps. Faith put her hand over the wound and pressed hard, trying to staunch the flow. “Giles she needs a hospital! Now!” Faith snapped frantically. “Buffy hang on. You gotta stay with us.”
 
Buffy’s drifting eyes focused on Faith’s and she broke into a faint smile. “No,” she whispered. “No, I really don’t.” Then she closed her eyes, with the smile still on her lips and softly whispered, “Spike,” before falling back. Faith called her name again and again, but the Slayer slipped away without another sound.
 

Disclaimer: All the characters and recognizable dialog belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Certain dialog borrowed from Lies My Parents Told Me and Dirty Girls. 

Last chapter. Short and, well, not really sweet, but hopefully satisfying.

*****************************


The situation unraveled with frightening speed after Buffy’s death. The handful of survivors had returned to Revello Drive, nursing wounds both physical and mental. The Potentials who had survived were in shock, terrified of what they had seen. Willow was devastated by the loss of Buffy and Kennedy, and could not be comforted. Xander felt lost, guilty, and angry at Giles, Buffy, and anyone else who got near him. Robin Wood was silent and brooding, unsure of his place and what to do next.
 
Giles had staggered in the door, sick at heart and moving like an old man. He had done his best the next day to comfort the Potentials and the Scoobies as they buried Buffy next to the other fallen Slayers in her yard. Dawn had screamed and thrown herself on the grave, wailing in her grief. Xander had tried to comfort her, but in the end he was helpless to console the teen. Giles had said a few words in a cracked voice, but his words dissolved into sobs and he couldn’t continue.
 
They had attempted to regroup, to continue the fight. But the next attack came within a few days of the assault on the vineyard, and the remnants of the Potentials were overwhelmed. The band that survived had crammed into two cars, and had fled to L.A. They had arrived at the Hyperion as a battered caravan, and had stumbled into the lobby, surprising and alarming Angel’s gang. There was plenty of room for them all, so small was their number. Xander and Willow, Anya and Dawn, four Potentials, Giles and Robin were all that were left. Faith had fallen in the battle, taken down by Caleb and a wave of Bringers. Robin had been dropped off at the hospital along the way, and his chances were slim. Dawn was near catatonic, and refused to speak to anyone. Fred led her to a room and tried to make her comfortable, but she curled up in a chair and rocked slightly, pale and terrified. Willow too was on the point of collapse, having nearly exhausted herself using magic to cover their escape. Angel and the others busied themselves providing first aid and whatever comfort they could to the Sunnydale survivors. Giles worked alongside them, burying himself in movement until at last everyone was fed and bandaged and bedded down to take whatever rest they could find.
 
Giles came down the stairs with the last of his strength, joining Angel, Wesley, and Gunn in the lobby. Lorne was doing his best to comfort Dawn, while Fred was looking after the most injured of the Potentials. ”Giles, sit down, please,” Wesley said, guiding the exhausted man to the nearest chair. Angel came from the office with a glass of whiskey, which he pressed into Giles’ hand. Giles brought it to his mouth with shaking hands, the class clinking against his teeth as he drank.
 
“Can you tell us what happened?” Angel asked gently. Giles didn’t answer, but just stared blankly into space. “Giles?” Angel repeated.
 
In reply, Giles dropped the glass and covered his face with his hands, weeping and shuddering. The others watched helplessly as the Watcher lost every last shred of his control. Angel finally raised the broken man and gently but firmly led him upstairs, settling him in Angel’s own bed to recover. Angel rejoined his crew, and they conversed in hushed whispers about what could have gone wrong. Angel had asked about Buffy and Faith but there had been no answer other than shaking heads and sad looks. Eventually Gunn and Wesley went to bed while Angel sat in his office, contemplating the situation.
 
Giles was the first of the Sunnydale group to come downstairs the next day, having slept little. Angel had taken off on an unknown errand during the night, and was nowhere to be found. Wesley was in the office, poring over a book, when Giles came in. “Giles,” he said with concern. “Sit down. Can I get you some tea?”
 
“Tea, yes,” Giles said absentmindedly. Wesley got up and went into the small kitchenette, coming back in a few minutes with a large steaming mug of Earl Gray, which he pressed into the hands of his former co-worker.
 
“Drink, it will do you good,” Wesley said, taking his seat. Giles took a long drink, welcoming the scalding burn down his throat. “Angel will be back soon I expect,” Welsey ventured, not at all sure what to say. “I expect then we’ll be able to…”
 
“It was my fault,” Giles said as he stared into the mug. “I misjudged her… and him.”
 
“I’m sorry?” Wesley said, confused.
 
“I was convinced that she was making a mistake,” Giles said. “Buffy. She was getting close… to Spike.”
 
“Spike? You mean William the Bloody?” Wesley said in amazement. “How was he involved?”
 
“He had been… working with Buffy. They were… involved. I don’t quite know the details,” Giles stammered out. “But I was sure that he was a danger to her, to the mission. I… I went behind her back. Robin Wood killed him while I kept Buffy occupied.” He took another drink of the tea to steady himself.
 
“How did Buffy take it?” Wesley asked quietly.
 
“She was… completely devastated. It broke her spirit,” Giles admitted, to himself as much as Wesley. “I was trying to get her to understand the necessity, but she was grieving, and I was… I was an insensitive bastard.”
 
“Come now, I think that’s taking it a bit far. You cared for your Slayer more than any Watcher I’ve ever known,” Wesley protested.
 
“I let my concern for her get in the way,” Giles said. “I wanted her to lead, but I thought I knew the best way to do that. She had surpassed me, Wesley. And I didn’t see it until too late.”
 
“Perhaps you had a point though,” Wesley said quietly. “From what I understand of the story, her idea to go after the Preacher ended very badly.”
 
“I wish I could assure myself that it was a mistake,” Giles said, his voice breaking. “I find myself wondering if she was on a suicide mission. If she had just given up completely and saw death as the only way out.”
 
Wesley’s mouth dropped open at the suggestion. “I don’t believe that. She was many things, but suicidal?”
 
“You didn’t see her, Wesley,” Giles said. “She was curled up in Spike’s bed, wouldn’t eat, barely talked. I will never forgive myself for doing that to her. And for all that I treated her as a failure at being a general, the fact is that once she was gone we lost almost everyone, including Faith.” Tears welled up again as he finished the last of his tea, now grown cold.
 
“What are your plans now?” Wesley asked.
 
“I don’t know,” Giles said hopelessly. “Sunnydale is lost. The Turok-Han will soon be free, and will start rampaging up and down the coast. There are legions of them. I don’t know how to stop them.”
 
“I’ve been working on that,” said Angel, who appeared at the doorway. His own eyes were reddened, and the Brits realized that Angel had probably heard much of the conversation. “Giles, I would like you to come with me. There is someone who may be able to help us, but the price will be steep, and they want to talk to you directly.”
 
“Angel, who…?” Wesley inquired curiously.
 
“I’ll fill you in if it works out. For now, I need to keep things quiet,” Angel said. Wesley looked at Angel searchingly, but realized that he was going to get nothing further out of the vampire, and said nothing. “Giles? Are you coming?”
 
“Yes,” said Giles. He got up slowly, still dazed and exhausted. He thanked Wesley for the tea and followed Angel down to the basement and into the sewers.
 
“Sorry about the route,” Angel apologized. “But this is too important to wait until sunset.”
 
“It’s fine,” Giles answered. He walked beside Angel, saying nothing, occasionally shooting sideways glances at the vampire. If Buffy hadn’t been involved with him, would I have been so close-minded about Spike? Did those experiences with Angelus cloud my judgment so completely that I was blind to everything but Spike’s vampire nature? His brain was an endless whirl of guilt, doubt, and self-blame.
 
“I feel the need to warn you,” Angel said. “You may or may not like the person I am taking you to see.”
 
“Oh?” said Giles, not particularly caring.
 
“She represents a large law firm. Wolfram and Hart.”
 
Giles stopped. “I’ve heard of them. They are involved in all manner of nasty dealings. Why are you taking me to them?”
 
“Because this threat is more than we can handle, and they control a vast amount of power,” Angel replied.
 
They resumed walking. “What makes you think they will help us? You’d figure that an evil takeover of the world would be right up their alley.”
 
“They have their reasons, I guess,” Angel said. “But they may drive a hard bargain. Are you prepared to do what needs to be done?”
 
“I’ve got nothing left to lose,” Giles said.
 
Angel winced at the tone of Giles’ voice. “Giles, this is an enemy beyond anything you’ve ever experienced. Even if you hadn’t… lost Buffy, the outcome might have been the same.”
 
“I’m not so sure,” said Giles. “Spike was one of our strongest fighters, and he and Buffy had a connection that I never understood. I thought… I thought I was saving her from herself.”
 
“Tried that myself, Giles. As I recall it didn’t work for me either,” Angel said ruefully. “There was no one like her,” he added regretfully.
 
“No. No there wasn’t,” Giles agreed. The two men walked the rest of the way in silence.
 
They came out through a door into a parking garage. Giles followed Angel to an elevator, and in a few minutes they were coming out into a modern lobby. Angel strode purposefully to a reception desk. “Ms. Morgan is expecting me,” he said shortly.
 
“Thirteenth floor,” said the receptionist. Angel led Giles to another elevator, and soon they were stepping out into a carpeted hallway. Angel knocked on one of the doors and a female voice said, “Come in.” With an unnecessary breath, Angel opened the door.
 
A severe looking woman stood up from behind a desk. Giles was slightly alarmed to see the terrible scar that ran across her throat, but the woman was cool and collected as she walked over to meet them. “You must be Mr. Giles. Lilah Morgan.” Giles took her proffered hand reluctantly, deeply suspicious. “Your problems in Sunnydale have come to the attention of the management here. You have caused us a great deal of trouble.”
 
“You and the rest of the world,” Giles said bitterly.
 
“You contacted me about a proposition, Lilah,” Angel put it. “I still want to know why Wolfram and Hart is trying to prevent an apocalypse.”
 
“Purely business reasons,” Lilah said in her cool voice. “We have some very important clients whose interests will be disrupted if the First Evil is allowed to take over at this time. They are willing to use their power and influence to ensure this will not happen.”
 
“So what do you need me for?” Giles asked. He was exhausted to the very bone, and grief filled him completely. His patience with this cold, calculating, rather creepy woman was wearing very thin.
 
“Given our resources, we have the ability to return you to a point in time prior to the death of the Slayer Buffy Summers. You alone will have memory of what transpired the first time. It is imperative that the Slayer survives if the First is to be defeated,” Lilah explained.
 
“What’s the catch?” Angel asked. He knew enough to know that Wolfram and Hart’s offers never came free.
 
“The Slayer’s life must be traded for another,” Lilah said with a cruel smile. “Conservation of death, if you will.”
 
“I’ll take the trade,” Giles said quietly.
 
Angel was alarmed. “Giles, wait, don’t agree to anything at this stage. These guys…”
 
“Can help me erase one of the biggest mistakes of my life,” Giles interrupted. He turned his red, pained eyes to Angel. “I was entrusted with training and protecting the Potentials and mentoring the Slayers. I failed. If I don’t make this right, whatever the cost, I will never find peace again.” He turned to Lilah, “I will offer my life in place of the Slayer. Tell me what to do.”
 
“Giles, don’t…” Angel warned. But even as he said it, he knew that the Watcher had made up his mind. Lilah produced a document which Giles read carefully. The lawyer then produced a small knife and a fountain pen, and Giles signed his name in blood.
 
“Good,” said Lilah, looking over the signature and filing the document. “Follow me.” Giles and a reluctant Angel followed her to the elevator, which went down to the bowels of the building. A winding corridor led to a small chamber which seemed to be carved out of rock. Several flaming braziers surrounded the darkened space, and a figure in dark robes sat cross-legged in the middle. Lilah beckoned Giles forward. “Sit there, facing him. He will ask you the point in time that you wish to return to. Choose carefully – you only get one shot at this.”
 
Giles turned and shook Angel’s hand. “Thank you, Angel. Hopefully we will never have to be in this situation again.“
 
Angel pleaded one last time with Giles. “Giles, wait, do you realize what you’re doing? You’ve had quite a shock and…”
 
“I have to make this right, Angel,” Giles said firmly. “If I don’t, then we all might die.”
 
Angel finally nodded in acquiescence. “Take care, Giles,” Angel said in a low voice. “Safe journey.” Giles turned and went to sit down in front of the shadowy figure. The figure leaned forward and murmured something to Giles. Giles answered, in a voice too low for even Angel to catch from his position outside the door. The dark figure nodded, then raised his hands and began to chant. An orange light began to surround both figures, then with a flash, everything changed.
 
***************
 
Giles watched as Buffy and Spike walked up the stairs. He was back. He was so overjoyed to see the figure of the Slayer walking, to hear her voice again that he almost missed the voice behind him.
 
“Mr. Giles,” said Robin Wood. “Do you have a moment?”
 
Giles turned to him and asked, “What’s on your mind?”
 
“Same thing that’s on yours. We got a problem.”
 
“You mean Spike,” Giles answered.
 
“Look, I know I’m an outsider to you people, and you don’t know me at all. But I’m fighting for the same reasons, against the same enemy. So hear me out.”
 
Giles took a deep breath. “Robin, I know you are going to suggest doing away with Spike. I’ve done a little poking around. You’re Nikki Wood’s son, aren’t you?”
 
Robin’s eyes widened. “How did you know?”
 
“Watchers have their sources,” Giles said. “I know you have every reason to hate Spike. He hasn’t been my favorite person in the world either. And I know he is a vampire. But I also know Buffy. If I go behind her back, or act without her consent in this matter, I will lose her trust completely. The girls need Buffy as a leader. So we need to treat her as the leader and follow her judgment here. If Spike needs to be removed from the equation, Buffy can and will do it. I’ve seen her make harder choices than that before. So while I understand your feelings in the matter, I must insist that you leave Spike be until Buffy says otherwise.”
 
Robin was taken aback slightly at the force and conviction in the Englishman’s voice. But in the end he said, “I sure hope you’re right.” Robin made his way upstairs with a dissatisfied air. But Giles took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. He knew without a doubt that he would not survive the final battle. But he knew that everyone else at least had a fighting chance. Secure in that knowledge, he went upstairs to support his general and her troops.
 
The End