==============================

DISCLAIMER: Joss owns the characters, the stories, and the money!

==============================

NOTE: This chapter catches up to where we were when the computer went kerflooey so after this, I will resume my regularly scheduled posting schedule. Probably. Once a week.

==============================

In Chapter 3, Buffy went to visit Spike, but didn’t get what she came for, possibly because Buffy never knows what she really wants and Spike got her all confused. She messed up Spike’s crypt and interrupted one of his favorite shows, too. *** Glorificus gave her minions their marching orders. *** Buffybot met up with Dr. Ben, Buffy’s sometimes male interest, and found out his last name. She straightened him out on the subject of coffee. She also collected some blood for Spike and some important articles used by nurses. *** Jinx and Dank made a desperate visit to Doc for information.

==============================



Chapter 4 – Really Weird


Buffy took her new toy to the Magic Box. “I’ll show Giles,” she said. “I don’t need him a bit now I’ve got my own spanking new robot with all the fighting trimmings.”

“That’s right, luv. You’ve got me. Spanking all around.”

She gave him a curious look and banged through the shop door, with Spike walking behind her. He’d been walking two steps behind her the entire way, watching her cute bum wiggle back and forth as she’d hurried to the Magic Box. He knew what she was up to. She wanted to show off her new prize to all her git friends.

Giles, Willow, Tara and Xander were leafing through old books for information to help them defeat Glorificus. No one bothered to look up for several minutes. Giles glanced at Spike when he stopped reading in one musty volume to exchange books with Willow.

“Spike,” Giles said. “It’s the middle of the day. You aren’t flaming up from being outside. Where’s your blanket?”

Spike remembered he was supposed to be acting the part of a robot and assumed a stiff-legged stance from a position where he could look down Buffy’s top at her two golden-pink breasts, snuggled in her lacy white bra, all peachy perfection. He calculated the number of hours that would have to pass before he got her out of her lacy white bra. Too many, from the look of things. “I am Spike. I am strong and intelligent and manly and devilishly handsome.”

“This is my new secret weapon,” Buffy said. “Behold, the Spikebot. All the good features with hardly any of the annoying ones.”

Might as well put on a show for the little lady, let her get her money’s worth. Spike growled and held up his curled fingers. “Grrr! Aarrggh! I’m the Big Bad! What annoying features?”

“Fascinating,” Giles said. Giles got up from the table, perched his glasses on the end of his nose and walked around Spike. “Let’s see what he can do.”

Buffy led the group to the training room, stripped off her jacket and pulled on her sparring mitts. “Spikebot, take off your coat and let’s tussle.”

Spike took off his coat and punched the weight bag a few times to warm up. The two circled each other, fists up. Buffy bounced up and down on her toes, which made her tits jiggle in a very heartwarming manner.

“Give me your best shot, Slayer,” he said.

Buffy performed a forward flip, kicked Spike in the gut and sent him sailing across the training room. Spike got to his feet and jumped back onto the thick wrestling mat and jabbed at her with his right fist.



Willow and Tara sat on the sofa at the side of the training room, watching Buffy and her new robot dance and trade punches, flips and kicks.

“He’s pretty good,” Willow said.

“There’s something funny about him,” Tara said. Her forehead rumpled up as she concentrated on the robot.

“He’s a robot,” Willow said. “Of course there’s something funny.”

“He’s not robot funny. He’s something else funny. I’m not an expert or anything, but I think he’s pulling his punches. See, he should have connected with Buffy’s jaw with that jab, but he missed her by a fraction of an inch.”

Willow watched for a moment. “He’s not as good as Buffy, that’s all.”

They watched together for another few minutes.

“I don’t think he’s a robot,” Tara said.

“What else could he be? You saw him walk in from the sun. He wasn’t all whooshing up with the flames like Spike always does. He didn’t even have his blanket.”

Tara peered at Spike through the crystal suspended around her neck. “Robots don’t have auras.”



If vampires could sweat, Spike would have been sweating ten proverbial buckets. Fighting the Slayer without ever touching her was damn hard. Several near misses made his chip buzz.

“Come on, Spikebot,” Buffy said. “Hit me! You haven’t touched me once!” She danced closer to give him an opportunity to sock her.

He blocked a kick to his head and swung hard with his left fist. As he swung, Buffy jumped forward and he connected with her jaw. They sailed through the air in opposite directions and slammed onto the mats.

Pain zapped through Spike’s brain. “Owww!” Spike clapped his hands to his head.

“Owww? Did I hurt you?” Buffy asked. She scrambled over to Spike. “How can that be? The Buffybot never says owww when she gets damaged. She did say ‘Oh, Darn’ once.”

Spike snatched his hands away from his skull. Hellfire, he’d screwed up already. “New programming feature. I pretend to be hurt when I damage a human.”

“What kind of programming is that? I better talk to Warren about getting that feature removed.”

Bloody hell. The last thing he wanted was for Warren to find out he was neutered, so to speak. “No. It’s a …” What? “It’s a special program. Can’t be removed. It’s part of my Fighting Skill Set.”

“Oh,” Buffy said. She sprang to her feet and danced around Spike. “Let’s fight some more. Give me some kicks.”

Spike performed some roundhouse kicks and a couple of kung fu moves he’d seen on a late night Bruce Lee Film Festival. He dropped his hands to the mat and swept his leg across Buffy’s path.



Tara nudged Willow. “See that phony kung fu thing? That’s really weird.”

“I see what you mean,” Willow said, “But, I don’t care as long as he can help us fight Glory. Besides, if he’s not a robot, what else could he be?”



Buffy jumped in time to avoid Spike’s leg sweep, knocked his feet out from under him and sent him flying to the mat. She straddled him and touched the point of her stake to his chest.

This was more like it. Him with a hard-on and the Slayer sitting right on top of him and wiggling around. Spike arched his pelvis to give Buffy a little sample of what he planned for later. “That how you’re going to do it, Slayer?”

Buffy squirmed and studied Spike’s face. She shifted around to find a more comfortable spot. “His face is certainly expressive for a robot, don’t you think? And, his eyes are blue and sparkly. Just like real Spike’s eyes.”

“He looks counterfeit to me,” Giles said. “Plasticene. Skin looks quite synthetic.”

“You are Guy-iles. You are Buffy’s Watcher. You’re a poufter.” Spike casually placed his hands on Buffy’s thighs. He flipped her onto her back and sprawled on top of her. His lips were very close to hers and he could feel her heart crashing against her ribs, pounding faster than when they were fighting, her breath coming quick and ragged. Yeah, he was getting to her. “Want another bit of rough and tumble, pet?”

Buffy’s eyes got very wide. She whispered so Giles and the others couldn’t hear. “No tumble. No rough. Behave yourself. And, don’t call me pet.”

Spike stroked her ear. “What shall I call you? Sweetheart? Goldilocks?”

“I’d be very pleased if you could teach him to say my name properly and refrain from making ad hominem remarks,” Giles said.

“You’re a ponce,” Spike said. He enjoyed tormenting Giles with complete impunity. He enjoyed making Buffy hot and horny even more.

Buffy shoved Spike off and jumped to her feet. “Cut it out. Both of you.”

“I’m afraid you’re mistaken about the annoying part, Buffy. Spike’s personality has been captured perfectly in silicon.”

Spike placed his hands behind his head and grinned. “I’m Evil.”



Jonathan slapped the remote out of Andrew’s hand. “Give it to me. It’s my turn. I want to watch women’s roller derby. Candy Tough Kitty is on the Derby Dolls fight team.” The remote flew across the basement and skidded under Warren’s work table where he was soldering electronic parts together.

Jonathan and Andrew scrambled after the remote and knocked into Warren.

“Hey! You two jackasses, want to watch what you’re doing? I’m busy here.”

“It’s my turn with the remote,” Jonathan said. “Andrew is supposed to be watching the security cameras,” He crawled under the work table and retrieved the remote. He held it out so Andrew couldn’t reach it.

Warren blasted the remote with his welding torch melting it into a plastic and metal puddle.

“Owww, you asswad. What’d you do that for?” Jonathan dropped the remains of the remote and sucked his burned fingers.

“Nobody’s watching TV while the Slayer is out there and knows where to find the lair. Both of you. Get to the videos and tell me where she’s at.”

Andrew and Jonathan skulked over to the cameras. “She’s with Spike at the Magic Box. They’re hitting each other,” Andrew said. He smacked Jonathan. “Take that Togruta.”

“Good,” Warren said.

“No,” Andrew whined. “Not good. We’re stuck here in this crummy basement watching security feeds all day. I thought we were going to take over Sunnydale and steal lots of money and drive cool cars and date hot babes and stuff. Let’s move back to your mom’s basement. She’ll make us some dinner. I liked your mom’s meatloaf.”

Warren ignored Andrew’s complaints and returned his attention to his work.



Spike sat on the balcony steps and yawned. The Slayerettes had jawed over how to kill Glory for the past forty-five minutes without a break. He needed a smoke and he desperately wanted to get away from Buffy’s wanker friends. He’d planned on spending maximum time with the Slayer, not hanging around her mates. He stood up. “I heard a noise in the basement. I must patrol.”

Buffy stood up and stretched. The movement of her arms made her breasts lift and bobble around, to Spike’s satisfaction. “Okay, but come right back up. I could use a bio-break, too.” Buffy headed for the shop’s tiny restroom.

No sooner had Buffy left the room, than the shop bell rang and Buffybot walked into the shop.

At the sound of the bell, Giles looked up from his stack of musty books. “Oh, it’s you, Buffy. Close the shade so the sun won’t come through, would you?”

“I’d be happy to assist you, Guy-iles,” Buffybot said. She pulled the shade down to cover the window. “Spike is allergic to the sunlight. I must protect him.”

“I say! You’re doing it now. I’ll thank everyone to call me by my correct name, which is Giles and not Guy-iles.” Giles returned his nose to his book.

Spike motioned to the Buffybot with his hand and she strode across the room to his side. “Hello, Spike! I’m back and I brought you blood.”

“Shhh!” Spike said. He covered her mouth with his hand. “Get downstairs, quick.” He
hurried down the basement stairs, pushing the Bot in front of him. He’d forgotten he’d plugged in the Buffybot and she was running around town unsupervised. “What have you been up to?”

Buffybot took the two bags of plasma out of her patrol bag. “I acquired blood from the Sunnydale Memorial Hospital. They were driving for it, but I didn’t see any cars. I obtained a Naughty Nurse outfit.” She held up a lacy white brassiere, white stockings and a white dress.

“Naughty Nurse, eh?” That outfit would come in handy. He pierced one of the bags of blood with his left fang and drank it down.

“Also, I told Dr. Ben Mannpflegen I loved you and I didn’t want coffee. I don’t require coffee. I checked my Maintenance Folder.”

Spike lit up a post dinner cigarette and took a deep drag. He hated Doogie Hawser. Buffybot was being very helpful today. “Good on you.”

Real Buffy stuck her head down the stairs. “Spikebot? Are you down there?”

“I am searching for Evil,” Spike said. “I will return in a moment.”

“Shall we have sex?” Buffybot asked. “It’s the next item on my To Do List.” She clasped her hands behind Spike’s neck and gave him a big, slurpy kiss. “We can play Naughty Nurse. Anya gave me instructions and I obtained the outfit. Anya likes sex and money.”

It was all Spike could do to peel himself away from the Bot. Fighting with Buffy earlier got him damn horny and he hadn’t been able to do anything about it with all her friends hanging about. He considered having a go with the Bot, but decided Buffy would come looking for him before too long.

“Not now, pet. Go back to my crypt and wait for me in the basement. You can sit on the bed. Push off and don’t let Other Buffy see you.” Spike patted the Bot on her firm and nicely-shaped behind and helped her through the hatch into the sewer.



Once Buffybot climbed into the sewer, she took a moment to review her To Do List. She placed Spike’s instruction -- Go To Spike’s Crypt And Wait In The Basement You Can Sit On The Bed -- at the bottom of the list, put a reminder notification on the Have Sex with Spike item and headed for the nearest manhole cover to complete her next item.

“Change Clothes Into Something Hot,” she said as she walked up the sidewalk. She checked the street number “1630 Revello Drive, Sunnydale, California, United States of America. This is my house.” She opened the screen door. She found a large paper bag filled with food inside the door, so she picked it up. She grasped the doorknob. The door was locked so she twisted hard and broke the lock. She went into the house.

“I must find something hot. Where would something hot be located?” She walked into the kitchen and put the bag of food on the kitchen island.

Dawn stood next to the sink with a boy person that Buffybot didn’t recognize. Dawn pressed her lips onto the boy’s lips and put her tongue in his mouth. She jumped away from the boy when Buffybot came into the room.

“Hello, Dawn. Why are you sucking this boy person’s face? Are you having sex?”

Dawn’s face turned red. “This is Tyler. School got cancelled. There was a gas main break.”

“Is that why your face is red?” Buffybot approached Tyler. He wore a black leather jacket. Spike wore a black leather coat and he was Evil. “You’re wearing a black leather jacket. Are you Evil?”

The telephone rang. Dawn leaped to answer the phone, but Buffybot picked it up first.

“I’m Buffy.”

“Miss Summers, this is Doris Kroger from Social Services. I thought you’d like to know Dawn isn’t in school today.”

Buffybot looked at Dawn. Dawn is in the Kitchen. How could Dawn be in school today if she is in the Kitchen? She didn’t think Dawn could be in two places at once, even if she was a Mystical Key, although it was theoretically possible under certain conditions in quantum physics, as demonstrated in Maxwell’s Demon and Twisting Time to Suit Yourself. “Dawn is in the Kitchen.”

“Is she sick?” Doris Kroger from Social Services asked.

Buffybot consulted her Dawn information:

Sister
Pest
Likes gory vampire stories
Mystical Key
Not a Kid

None of those items assisted her in answering the question of Doris Kroger from Social Services. “Dawn’s face is red.”

“Oh. Tell her she should return to school this afternoon so I don’t have to take further measures. If her grades don’t improve, I’ll have to take her away.”

“Dawn’s my sister,” Buffybot said. “I don’t want you to take Dawn away. Where would you take her?”

“She’d be placed in a foster home. I hope it doesn’t come to that, Ms. Summers. Tell Dawn to keep her grades up and stop skipping school.”

Buffybot hung up the phone.

Dawn gave Buffybot a big hug. “Thanks for covering for me, Sis. I won’t forget it.”

“You’re my sister. I love you. Return to school this afternoon, keep your grades up and stop skipping school.”

“I will. Promise.” Dawn ran up the stairs to get ready for school.

Buffybot turned to Tyler, who had lit an especially stinky hand rolled cigarette while Buffybot talked on the phone to Doris Kroger from Social Services. She took the cigarette and squashed it out in the sink. “This is my house. Only Spike gets to smoke. Smoking is Evil. Are you Evil? I kill Evil.” Buffybot picked up a large butcher knife lying on the kitchen counter. She could use the knife to make Dawn’s lunch for school. Lunch is important.

Tyler’s eyes bulged out. “I – uh – got to run. Tell Dawnie I’ll see her at school.” Tyler ran out the back door and left it banging in the wind.

Buffybot fixed a stack of twelve crunchy peanut butter, grape jelly and sardine sandwiches for Dawn’s lunch using the large butcher knife. She squished them flat and placed them in Dawn’s lunch bag along with a package of radioactive blue sno-ball cakes she found in the bag of food. She handed the lunch bag to Dawn and waved at Dawn as she left the house for school.

Buffybot went upstairs to Buffy’s bedroom. “This is my room. It’s pretty.” She went to the closet and took out all the clothes and dropped them on the bed. “I must find Something Hot To Wear. It’s on my To Do List.”

She held up a shiny, very short, red dress. She took off the long pink skirt Warren had given her and put on the red dress. She found some black high heels in the bottom of the closet and put them on and checked herself out in the mirror. “Look at me! I’m pretty.”

Next, she checked out Buffy’s dresser. She freshened her lipstick with some I Am Not A Slut Red Lip Gloss. She spritzed herself with vanilla-scented perfume. “Mmmm. I smell like cookies.” In the top drawer, she found panties in many colors. They were very small. She put on a red pair that matched her dress.

“Spike likes these,” she said. She stuffed the rest of the panties into her patrol bag along with Spike’s bags of blood. She consulted her To Do List. “I completed Changing Into Something Hot. Next I should Clean Up Spike’s Crypt. But, I’m not in Spike’s crypt. I’m at my house. I should clean up my house.”

Buffybot scrubbed her house from top to bottom. She washed the dishes, took out the trash and ran the vacuum cleaner. She put away the food from the bag she'd found in the front door. She dusted the top of the television. She found a bowl of ice cream with green mold on top of it underneath Dawn’s bed. She threw the bowl out the window along with Other Buffy’s and Dawn’s dirty laundry. She threw the long pink skirt Warren gave her out the window. The long pink skirt was ugly. It belonged to Warren’s mother.

By the time Buffybot finished cleaning Buffy’s house, it was late afternoon and an alarm went off in her viewing screen.

“Time to Slay! Vampires of the World Beware!”

Buffybot headed for Restfield Cemetery.