DISCLAIMER: The characters and all that good stuff belong to Joss. No copyright infringement intended.

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A lot of stuff happened last week, including a Pie Fight. Some people might think fighting demons with a cream pie is silly, but I say, Yeah! Yeah it is. Incredibly, I thought of some even sillier stuff this week. The Battle Continues ...
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Thanks everyone who reviewed and everyone who read. Reviews are greatly appreciated. Thanks to nmcil who made this awesome banner.
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Chapter 20 - As Seen on TV


Spike punched Ben in the face and grabbed his own head, expecting a roaring headache, but was pleased to find Ben had disappeared mid punch and it was Glory who received a fist in the face. He grabbed the two Dawns by their hands and ran.

“Give me back my Key, you lousy vampire,” Glory shrieked.

Spike, spying the magic circle, shoved the two Dawns inside and placed himself between the girl and girl robot and Glory. He couldn’t go in the circle himself because a piercing ray of sun was blazing down through the red stone globe at the pinnacle of the solarium and filling the reflecting pool with blazing light. The rays were so bright even the reflections were causing his skin to tingle. “That’s close enough, Hell Trollop.”

Buffy crept up behind Glory. She raised Caladcholg.

“I can hear you,” Glory said. She turned and grabbed Buffy’s sword and screamed with pain as Caladcholg electrified and scorched her hand. “Slayer has a new toy.”

She backhanded Buffy and knocked her across the room. Buffy dropped the sword.

Buffy leaped up and rolled into a cartwheel, ending with a hard kick to Glory’s jaw. She punched her in the face – Bam! Bam! Bam! Right, left, right - Glory’s head snapped back and her neck cracked.

Glory punched Buffy and blocked her next blow. She punched Buffy again and sent her into a spin. Buffy recovered, dropped to her hands. One foot flew up and caught Glory on the chin. Glory stumbled as Buffy rolled into a somersault and landed on her feet. Buffy hit faster, peppering blows all over Glory’s body.

Glory swatted her arm toward Buffy’s face. Buffy ducked and kicked Glory in the knee, then the belly. Buffy caught Glory’s arm as she threw her next jab. The two grappled, each straining to knock the other off balance.

Spike crawled to the sword. It seared his hand as he picked it up. He tossed it to Buffy and cried out her name. “Slayer! Catch!”

Buffy reached out for her weapon. Spike’s throw went wide, but the sword leaped into her hand. Buffy spun around in a circle – once, twice, three times and swung Caladcholg in an explosion of colored lights and fire and hacked off Glory’s head. The sword erupted into a fireball of flame and burst into thousands of glittering sparks of metal. The sparks flew up into the air, burnt out as the sword vanished.

When the fire died down, Glory picked her head off the floor, settled it back on her neck and jiggled it back into place.

“You busted my magic sword!” Buffy said. Her lower lip stuck out. “I don’t like it when people bust my weapons.” She saw the troll hammer, abandoned on the floor near the steps into the spiral whirlpool. She punched Glory in the face with her fist and ran to grab the hammer.

Glory rubbed her nose. “Ow, that hurt! You hurt me, you little Slayer Tramp. And, it wasn’t the first time, either. Minions!”

“They aren’t coming,” Buffy said. “They’ve been whipped.” She lifted the hammer and whacked Glory on the head.

Spike crept behind Glory, leaped on her back and slung his arm around her neck in a choke hold. Glory twirled and fought to shrug him off. Buffy slammed the troll hammer into Glory’s knees. Glory collapsed on the floor and Buffy drove the hammer into her body over and over.

Just when Buffy thought Glory was licked, Glory sprang up and tossed Spike into the sunlight and the throbbing red rays of the red crystal.



Buffybot wandered from room to room in the spa, looking for a place to wash the blueberry pie off her face some evil poonlarp had slung at her. She did not like having pie on her face. She came to a room painted in a soothing sandy beige color, with a bunch of small tables and little bottles of colored nail liquid in shades of red and pink and peach.

Slook sat at one of the tables, reading last month’s copy of Starz Magazine. The front cover featured Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinz, Jr. “May I give you a manicure? We have three new colors today – Peach Passion, Pink Perfection and Blood of the Innocents.”

Buffybot examined her nails. “My nails are skanky looking from fighting Glory’s minions. I could use a manicure.” She sat down and let Slook place her right hand in the tiny glass dish of sudsy water to soak.

Slook handed her the magazine. “There’s an excellent article about Sarah Michelle and her new husband. You can read it while you soak.”

Buffybot studied the picture of the blonde girl. “Look at you. You’re pretty.”



Giles, Xander, Willow and Tara stood at spots on the glowing red circle between the candles and began chanting.

From Hell’s Dimension one has come.
To Hell’s Dimension one should go.
Who was here, be far away,
Send this goddess home to stay.
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.

Spike landed in the pool with a loud splash.

“Spike!” Buffy shouted. She leaped into the steaming pool and dragged Spike out of the sunlight. Then, she sloshed her way out, tackled Glory and dragged her kicking and struggling, and tossed her into the pool, which wasn’t easy because Glory was coated with slippery massage oil.

Willow tossed Glory’s red garnet high heels that she’d stolen from Glory’s fabulous condo earlier that day into the pool. The circle flashed with red, hellish light. The pool of water steamed and boiled.

The pool burst into fire when Glory landed in the water and the circle of energy exploded.

KA-BOOM!!!

The energy from the explosion threw the entire gang away from the center and blew out the remains of the glass roof. The surface of the pool crackled with cherry-red flames. Buffy, Spike, Xander, Giles and Tara flew out from the center and slammed against the walls. Only Willow remained conscious.

Glory stood up and shook herself off. “Wow, Witch Girl. Got to say, that was fun. In fact, the last fun you’ll ever have.”

“Okay, time for Plan B,” Willow said.

As Glory stepped out of the pool, Willow flung a handful of Shapeshifter Miracle Sifting Dust (As Seen on TV) in a glittery arc over Glory. The glitter clung to Glory’s massage oily body.



Warren, Jonathan and Andrew watched the fights, the pie throwing, the spells and the explosion with almost as much interest as they devoted to free cable porn. After the explosion, they lost interest.

“Let’s get out of here,” Warren said.

“Yeah,” Andrew said, “before Glorificus finds out you tried to palm off the Dawnbot as the Key.”

“Not me, pal,” Warren said. “We.”

“Like Glory is going to care,” Jonathan said. “She’ll step on all three of us like bugs. Say, where’s the Spikebot?”

“Forget him,” Warren said.

They tiptoed around the heap of poonlarps who were cemented into stiff shapes of squirming whip cream and stepped over Giles, who’d been knocked out by the blast.

Xander came to as the Trio were sneaking out. He picked himself up off the tile floor where he’d been blown by the force of Willow’s spell backfire and grabbed Buffy’s patrol bag. He rooted around until he found his backup weapon. Using every last ounce of strength he possessed, he lifted a huge bottle of pressurized soda water and raised it up over Warren’s head.

Warren cringed and held up his hands. “Wait a minute, pal. You’re one of the good guys, remember. You wouldn’t want to hit me on the head with that thing.”

Xander’s muscles quivered with Post Pie Pitching Fatigue and he lowered the bottle. “You’re right. I wouldn’t want to do that. I’d want to do this.” He placed his finger on the bottle’s trigger and sprayed Warren in the face. SCHPRITZ! He hosed him for a straight minute until the bottle emptied. He tossed the bottle aside.

“I might also want to do this.” He slapped Warren’s face. SMACK!

“And, this,” he poked his fist into Warren’s belly. BUNG!

“And, this,” he hooked his little finger into Warren’s left nostril and lifted him onto his toes. “WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!”

“And, This!” POW! He punched Warren in the jaw and sent him flying across the room.

Andrew and Jonathan stood in stupefied wonder as Xander beat the crap out of Warren using all their favorite Stooges moves. When Warren went down for the count, they backed away. “We didn’t help. We had nothing to do with bringing Dawn here. It was all Warren’s idea,” Jonathan said in a screechy, whining voice.

“Yeah,” Andrew said. He pointed his finger at Xander. “And, if you don’t leave us alone, I will place the Curse of the Flying Monkeys on you unto the End of Days.”

“I thought the Flying Monkeys was Tucker,” Xander said.

Andrew’s face turned purple and red and blue with rage and his hair stood straight up. He jumped up and down and stamped on the floor. “THAT WAS ME! I MADE THE FLYING MONKEYS!”

“Oh, in that case, you won’t mind, if I do this,” Xander smacked his face, boinked his skull, pinched his nose and slammed his fist down on his own pinching fingers and held out his two fingers and jabbed Andrew in both eyes. SMACK BOINK BINK JAB.

Andrew held his hand up flat between his eyes and prevented Xander from actually jabbing his eyes. “Hah! You forgot about that one, you big Shaboinkle!”

Xander picked up the exhausted soda water bottle and cracked Andrew over the head. THUD! Andrew crumpled to the floor. “True, but I remembered that.”

While Xander was demonstrating that his many hours watching the Stooges had not been wasted, Jonathan ran out the front door and hopped in the first vehicle brought up by the valet parking staff, a black, Cadillac stretch limo.



“Bitch! What did you do to me?” As Glory yowled and scraped Shapeshifter Miracle Sifting Dust off her arms, she morphed into Ben. Ben looked down at his body which was encased in a pink towel sarong and coated with silver glitter. “Could be worse.”

He looked up and saw the throbbing red light catcher. He looked around the room and saw the two Dawns. “Is it that time already?” He grabbed the nearest Dawn and pulled her out of the magic circle. He picked up a convenient sack of therapy stones and raised it over her head. “Really, sorry kid, but I have to take you out. Nothing personal, but I have to save the world. And, myself. The only way to do that is for you to die.”

“I AM NOT A KID!” Dawn and Dawnbot yelled in unison.

Ben morphed back into Glory. “Do you have to yell so loud? I can hear you.” She caught and dragged both Dawns into the center of the pool where a ray of sunlight filled the red center globe with blazing light.



Doc peeped from behind a billowing cream, yellow and terracotta printed gauze curtain, and glanced at his watch. “My, my, things are not going well. We need to get started.” He waved his hand “Restituo!” and the thousands of glass shards that had once been the solarium ceiling reassembled in a cloud and swarmed up to their place, restored. The ruby stone glowed and pulsed with its own light.

He snuck closer to the two Dawns who were wrestling with Glory. He flicked his forked tongue to catch smells and vibrations from the two girls. Yes, one was human. She would be the real Key. The other smelled faintly of three-in-one oil. Doc twitched his fingers and a band of undulating blue light surrounded the real Dawn and bound her arms to her sides.

“Not in our party clothes, dear, but it will have to do. I don’t suppose you’d care to take all your clothes off? You know a nice nude ritual suits everybody.”

Dawn spat at Doc. “Let me go before my sister kicks your ass.”

Doc wiped the spit off his face with his finger and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Your sister will be busy for a few minutes while Glorificus kills her. I think we should get this show on the road, don’t you?”

Dawn screamed and struggled but couldn’t break loose. Only seconds remained before the sun would be in position to fully flare up the red stone and open the dimensions. Doc shoved her under the red rays where she froze into place and couldn’t move. Doc began the chant:

Aigz eund spaumm
aigz bekon eund spaumm
aigz bekon sauzidge eund spaumm
sauzidge bekon sauzidge eund spaumm
spaumm aigz spaumm spaumm bekon eund spaumm
spaumm spaumm aigz eund spaumm
spaumm spaumm spaumm spaumm baak-ed beenz spaumm spaumm spaumm spaumm eund spaumm
lubstur thurmdor crayvetz eund murniaze sauz gornischt wit trooflet brundi friet aig eund spaumm



Xander shook Giles to wake him up.

Aigz eund spaumm,
aigz bekon eund spaumm

The sound of Doc’s chant swelled and echoed across the reflecting pool.

Giles sat up and rubbed his head. “I’ve heard that somewhere before.”

Xander slapped Giles on the chest. “That grandpa looking guy with the demon tail is starting the ritual.”

“Doc? Pillock borrowed a book from me and didn’t bring it back. I’ll just have to see about this.” Giles broke open a nearby fire box and wrenched out the axe.

“You couldn’t just charge him a fine?”




While Xander had been delivering some mighty blows to Warren and Andrew, Spikebot wandered through the spa. He was looking for Buffy so she could continue her lessons in the finer points of being a good lay. He found her in the hairdryer room, with a giant hard, plastic helmet over her head. She was sitting next to an older woman, who was also sitting under a hard, plastic helmet. The two were chatting. They both had their hair pinned up in weird pink cylinders.



Buffybot held out her magazine. “Look, here’s Sarah Michelle and Freddie surfing. Aren’t they the cutest?”

Doris examined the photograph. “They’re darling.” Could it be possible the Slayer didn’t recognize her? And, why was the Slayer having her hair and nails done when Glory was about to rip apart the dimensions? Her first assessment had been correct. Buffy Summers was entirely too stupid to be her sister’s guardian. That is, if her sister hadn’t been the Key and destined for greater things than Sunnydale High School.



Spikebot lifted the hard plastic dome over Buffybot’s head. “Hello, Buffy. I am ready to resume our lessons.”

Buffybot pulled the curlers out of her hair and stood up. Slook hurried over and brushed, combed and sprayed Buffybot’s hair into a crown of blonde, waving glory.

Buffybot thanked Slook and asked her to return to her place at the table with the tiny bottles of Peach Passion. “I hope we won’t be interrupted this time. Assume the position.”

Spikebot held out his arms and Buffybot nestled into his leather coat. Spikebot placed his kissing instructions in Random Access Memory. Their lips touched and they melted together.



Glory slugged Buffy’s face and kicked her across the room. Buffy slammed against the wall and crunched a large Buffy-shaped hole in the drywall. She dropped to the floor next to her troll hammer. She picked it up.

“Getting tired, girlfriend?” Glory said. “Cause I am. It’s time for the ritual.”

Buffy walked back to her enemy and popped her in the face with the hammer. She pounded Glory with the troll hammer once more, but it seemed to have little effect. Buffy banged her again and again. “There – Isn’t – Going – To – Be – A – Ritual.”

The handle on the hammer broke. The hammer dropped and tore a hole in the floor and disappeared into a bottomless black crevice.

“Darn,” Buffy said.



Spike staggered up from his place on the floor and shook his head to clear his thoughts. He heard Doc’s voice intoning the ritual - spaumm spaumm spaumm spaumm - there were only a few seconds to go. If he could just keep Glory out of the red shaft of light and away from Dawn, he could probably prevent the dimensions from opening until it was too late.

Glory tossed Buffy across the room and knocked her out. “She was really getting to be a pest. Now, Sweet Cheeks, let’s get on with that ritual.” Glory picked up both of the Dawns and turned to enter the blazing shaft of red light slicing into the pool.

Spike tiptoed behind Glory and leaped on her back just before she stepped into the sunlight. He got her neck into a choke hold. “Drop the Dawns, Bint.”

Glory twisted forward and slung Spike directly into the sun-filled circle as a fierce red ray flamed up the entire pool.



Buffy woke up in time to see Spike sail into the brilliant sun light of the magic circle. His coat smoldered then flamed up in a terrifying way. “Spike!” She ran.

Spike landed in the pool with a splash, which put out the flames on his coat, but did nothing for his skin which started to smoke. Then, he remembered. He pulled his almost empty can of sun block spray out of his coat pocket and swished it on his hands and face and hair and then his clothes.

Glory jumped into the pool and raised her fist. “You are starting to get on my nerves.”

Spike sprayed the sun block in Glory’s face as the dimensions swirled open.