As always betaed by Maria and Flight Of Fancy.


When they emerged from the portal, Buffy breathed in deeply. “Fresh air. Strange, I don’t remember it being this good, even for a big city like LA.”

“How do you know we’re in Los Angeles?” Merrick asked her.

Buffy smiled, and nodded back at the newsstand they had just passed.

“It would seem that time has made you a lot wiser. When we first met, you were a cheerleader and an airhead. Hopefully, with time, I’ll get used to this new and improved, Knowledge Buffy.”

Buffy blushed when she heard Merrick’s back-handed compliment. “You’ve changed a lot, too.” She had a teasing look about her. “You’re not as stuffy as I remember.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” the Watcher said, laughing.

“Where’re we going?”

“To Caritas.” Suddenly, Merrick couldn’t make eye contact with Buffy any longer. “It would do you good to clean up a bit before we continue on to Sunnydale.”

“I just need that sweater, and then I’m good to go.”

“I don’t think so, Buffy.” Merrick’s eyes were fixed straight ahead, looking anywhere but directly at the girl beside of him.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

Merrick realized that there was no way out of this situation, but to just be direct. His cheeks turned pink as he finally met his Slayer’s gaze head-on. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to say this, Buffy. I know it’s been a long time, but I think you need to have a look at yourself in a mirror.”

“You mean I look bad?” Buffy stopped walking and turned to look at her reflection in the closest shop-window. Her mouth and eyes opened wide. With a bump, the box she carried was on the pavement. A hand flew to cover her mouth, the other hand made a desperate grab at her hair. “Why didn’t you say something before?” She turned reproachful eyes to Merrick.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think you cared.” Even as the words left his mouth, Merrick realized how ridiculous his excuse was. Buffy picked up her box, and they began walking again, this time at a slightly faster pace.

“I didn’t, before we came here. I haven’t thought about clothes or hair in a long time. Well, at first I didn’t care, and then it became harder to get clothes and basic personal hygiene products. By then it didn’t really matter anyway. I was more concerned with getting food and water. For drinking mind you, not for washing. There wasn’t much, and I couldn’t waste what I found.”

Becoming more self-conscious, Buffy tried to lift her arm and discretely smell herself, while still carrying her belongings. “OMG…I smell really rank,” she whined. “Let’s hurry up so I can get in the bathroom and try to do a little damage control.” The Slayer noticed that people on the street were turning and staring at her. She began walking even faster, in an effort to get to Caritas quickly. When they finally arrived at the club, Merrick’s knock on the door seemed thunderous in Buffy’s ears.

Lorne opened the door. “Ah, there you are. I’ve been expecting you. Welcome to Caritas, Eternal One. I am the Host, but you can call me Lorne.” He opened the door as wide as it could go, swept his arm out, and bowed. “My home is your home.”

“Thank you, Lorne.” Everything felt a little strange. Buffy wasn’t used to having many other people around, and definitely wasn’t used to being treated like visiting royalty. “Call me Buffy, please.”

“Thank you, Buffy. What can I help you with?” Lorne asked, excited.

“I…Well, I…” Buffy didn’t know how to ask to borrow his shower.

“May I?” Merrick looked at Buffy.

She nodded, happy to let Merrick take over.

Merrick turned to Lorne. “Could you put us up for a couple of days?”

The green demon smiled. “Yes, of course. Your rooms are this way.” The weary travellers were led to a hidden door by the bar. “Can I get you anything else?”

“Maybe later.” Buffy looked at Lorne. “Do you know of any jobs available nearby? Just something part-time and short-term?”

“Maybe I’m being too frank, but why does the Eternal One need a job?” Lorne asked, concerned.

Buffy looked down, embarrassed. “I need some money to buy some things. Personal things.”

“I’d be delighted to help you out with anything you need. Just make a list and I’ll take care of everything.”

“Are you sure? It could be expensive,” Buffy was worried that she might be putting Lorne in a tight spot.

“I can afford it. It’s my club.”

“Still, I’ll pay you back.” They smiled at each other, and Buffy’s new admirer nodded in agreement.

Always the perfect host, Lorne asked, “Is there anything you need right now?”

Buffy gave Lorne an apologetic smile. “I think I’m really in need of a shower and a change of clothes.” She wrinkled up her nose. Suddenly, her stomach rumbled loudly, causing Buffy to blush again.

Lorne laughed. “Let’s start with clothes. A former employee left a tracksuit behind when she quit her job last week. You can have that to wear for now. The shower is fully stocked with soap and shampoo, and you’ll find toothpaste and new toothbrushes in the vanity drawer. I’ll order food while you get cleaned up. What do you want?”

“Mmmm….would a pizza be possible?”

“What kind?” Clearly, the green demon knew the right questions to ask.

“Pepperoni.”

“OK, I’ll order it in a minute. First, this room is yours for as long as you wish.” Having gone up a flight of stairs and down a long hall, the group had finally stopped in front of an engraved white door. Lorne went into the room, opened a door to the left and took a look around the bathroom. “I’ll get you some towels.” Lorne quickly left the room, but returned after only a few minutes. “Here you go.” He laid the towels on the counter. Turning to Buffy, he asked, “How hungry are you? Would you like me to order the pizza right now, or wait until you get out of the shower?”

“Could you wait, maybe half an hour?” Buffy was looking at her feet again.

The Host responded with a smile and a nod. “See you downstairs when you’re done.”

Buffy taken care of, Lorne turned to her companion. “Now for you, Mr. Merrick. Do you need a place to sleep?”

“If it’s not too much trouble?”

“Not at all.” Lorne continued down the hallway, until he reached a bright blue door.

“At least I don’t need to eat or drink…This time around.”

“I see. Would you like to shower too?”

“No thanks. I was there just as long as it took to persuade Buffy to come back with me.”

Lorne nodded. “Then perhaps I could convince you to join me downstairs for a drink?” He held his hand up to stop Merrick from talking. “I know you don’t need to drink, surely that doesn’t mean you can’t just enjoy the flavour?”

Merrick smiled broadly. “I’ll join you for a drink, if you tell me why you’re calling Buffy ‘The Eternal One’?”

Lorne shrugged. “She’s immortal.” There was a friendly silence, as the men sat themselves down at a table, waiting for Buffy to join them. In the meantime, it didn’t take long for their drinks to arrive. After the first sip, Lorne once again turned to Merrick, this time asking, “So, what’s the matter with Buffy?”

“Nothing, as far as I know,” Merrick answered.

Lorne explained, “You know, I can read people. I get the clearest readings when they sing, but I can pick up things without songs, especially if they’re feeling very strong emotions.” He took a sip of his drink. “In the hallway upstairs, Buffy was very ill at ease. I couldn’t tell what the cause was though. Is there something I can do to help?”

Merrick thought for a minute, trying to decide how much of Buffy’s other timeline he should share with his host. “We talked a little bit on the way here. First off, she’s not really used to company anymore. She’s spent the past several years alone, and we both know that being alone can change a person in a profound way. Second, in the time she came from, there was a shortage of almost everything: food, water, clothes, and medicine. You name it, and there was a shortage of it. Buffy even had to burn some of her furniture to keep warm. I can tell you that you’ve pretty much seen her entire wardrobe already. Aside from a few pairs of underwear and one shirt, she’s wearing everything she owns. She’s going to have to go shopping for some clothes today, or tomorrow at the latest. She’s used to taking care of herself, and it’s hard for her to accept help from others now.”

“You’re afraid she won’t take my help?” Lorne asked.

“Yes,” Merrick smiled at his host again. “She’s a very proud woman, and asking for help won’t come easy for her.”

Lorne was confident. “We’ll find a solution.” The Watcher and the Host passed the time easily, talking about all sorts of things and losing track of time altogether. Eventually, Buffy joined them, fresh from her shower. Her hair was still wet, and she was in dire need of a mani/pedi and a facial, but now she was so clean that she was practically shining. Lorne could see though, that her clothes hung on her, and it was obvious that she hadn’t been eating any more than just what she needed to survive. Her first question, once seated at the table, was, “has the food arrived yet?”

Lorne wasn’t happy to be the one telling Buffy that the pizza hasn’t arrived yet, but he felt he redeemed himself in some small way by quickly jumping up from the table and fetching her a diet coke on ice. As he returned to the table with her drink, there was a knock on the door. The pizza had finally arrived. Lorne put the pizza on the table in front of Buffy, and then sat down again to resume his conversation with Merrick. While the two men were chatting, Buffy dove into the pizza and, before she even realized it, she had finished off the whole pie and washed down the crumbs with another coke. One polite burp later, she looked up, only to realize that both men were watching her eat. Quickly realizing that she had single-handedly consumed the entire pizza, and had not left so much as a crumb for the men, Buffy’s face flushed scarlet. “Oh no! OMG…I’m such a pig! Why didn’t you guys say something and stop me from eating the whole thing?”

There was nothing but kindness in Lorne’s eyes. “Don’t worry, Buffy. Merrick doesn’t eat, and I had just finished breakfast when you arrived.”

She looked at him, not sure if he was telling the truth.

“I get up late.” He shrugged. “Let’s go, girl.” Lorne grabbed Buffy’s hand. “See you in a while, Merrick.”

“Where are we going?” Buffy reluctantly allowed Lorne to drag her out of the club.

“We are going shopping.” He told her. “But first, we need a trip to the hair salon.”

“No…no I don’t have any money.” Suddenly, Buffy stopped moving. Try as he might, Lorne couldn’t pull her any longer. She was too strong.

“Let me treat you.” He smiled at her. “I just want the bragging rights to call you my friend, please?” As he spoke, he got down on his knees and pretended to beg shamelessly.

No matter how tough and self-sufficient she had become, Buffy just couldn’t say no. It’s impossible to not like him. He’s so sweet, both in this timeline and in the other one. He was so kind to me when we passed through LA after Sunnydale was gone. I think he saw what losing Spike meant to me. He was also the one that contacted me after he fled from the fight in LA, as soon as he found and stopped the spell that was placed on him. They didn’t talk about the spell or who had done it. They both knew who and why.

The Slayer decided that this time, it would be ok to get a little bit of help from her green-skinned host. “Okay, Lorne, but I want to pay you back.”

“We can talk about that later, Sweetness. For now, it’s Shopping Time!” Buffy couldn’t help but giggle at his enthusiasm.

At their first stop, the hairdresser suggested that Buffy cut her hair into a shorter style, claiming that long hair was no longer in style. Buffy refused though. Instead, she had her hair styled and bleached California blonde, with even lighter hi-lites to increase that sunshine-girl effect. While waiting for the bleach to do its thing, Buffy and Lorne both had mani-pedi treatments, and went for matching pink polish to finish off the look. The couple laughed and joked so much, that other customers started staring at them, trying to figure out if the Slayer and her green-skinned companion were rich, famous, or just crazy.

After the personal grooming exercise, Buffy and Lorne turned their attention to the clothing acquisition portion of their trip. Entering a trendy downtown boutique, Buffy found several pieces that she liked enough to try on. To her surprise though, before she could close the change-room curtain, Lorne stepped up and shoved at least another dozen outfits into her arms. Buffy squawked and refused to try the outfits on, but Lorne just pushed her into her change-room and told her that he would be standing outside, waiting to see each and every outfit. There wasn’t much Buffy could do without making a really big scene, so she settled for wearing a pout when she stepped out of the room a few minutes later, wrapped in the first dress that Lorne had chosen.

After clothes, came shoes, and the fearless shoppers spent over an hour in various shoe shops, making sure they got just the right footwear for all the outfits they had purchased. Their last stop, a spa shop, provided everything Buffy could possibly need in the way of creams and lotions, and it was after a very pleasant hour enjoying a facial and brow wax that they headed back to Caritas, loaded with bags and boxes. Amidst all their shopping, there was one bag that stood out. It was a big black bag, with a skull and crossbones and some gothic lettering on the outside. When he saw the two tired-out shoppers and the out-of-place bag, Merrick couldn’t help but ask what on Earth the dynamic duo had managed to find for Buffy at a biker shop. Laughing, Buffy dropped the rest of the bags she carried, and brought the bag in question over to where Merrick sat.

Asking him to close his eyes for a minute, Buffy quickly pulled out her purchase. “Do you think they would recognize me in this?" she asked, as she pulled a heavy sweatshirt over her head, tugging the hood down in front of her face. She could barely see.

Merrick had to laugh. “No, I don’t think so.” He got up and walked around her. “That hoodie is so bulky that I can’t even tell that you’re a woman. You look like a short man with a big upper body.”

“Thank you, Merrick. That’s just what I wanted.” The normally reserved Slayer hugged him. She could see it surprised him, but he was her friend. Her only friend except Lorne, who was almost like a girlfriend after their day of shopping. “Could we stay here a couple of days? Like a mini vacation?”

“If Lorne doesn’t mind?” The Watcher looked over at Lorne.

“Not at all. I love to have company! Maybe I’ll even get you to sing tonight.” The Host laughed at her shocked expression. “Or maybe not. You’ll have to excuse me now. If you don’t want to be in the bar tonight, there is a little TV room in the back, opposite Merrick’s room. You’re more than welcome to relax there instead.” Lorne got up and went to unlock the front door of the club. “My staff will be here shortly though, so I need to start getting ready for tonight’s guests.”

“Maybe we should go watch some TV, Merrick. I think Lorne is afraid that I’ll slay his guests.” She giggled on the way out of the room, thinking about Lorne’s embarrassed face.

Later, the Slayer and her Watcher went out to get something to eat with the money Lorne had handed to Merrick earlier. Over dinner, they talked about what to do when they arrived in Sunnydale.

Buffy dropped the last chicken wing on her plate, and then pushed the plate into the middle of the table. “So we find a hotel room, and I’ll wait there while you go tell Giles that I’m in town. See if you can find out when they want to close the rift to the changeling’s dimension.”

“And then what?” Merrick asked.

“Then I guess we’ll see. You have to be flexible. Maybe Giles will have some questions. Maybe he won’t be alone. Just about anything is possible, so we’ll just have to wait and see what happens next.”

“I know you’d like to stay on a little longer with Lorne, but I believe we need to get a move on tomorrow. Get the show on the road, as it were.”

She pouted. “I like it here. I want to stay.”

Merrick smiled. “I know you do, but you can come back later. When we’ve settled things in Sunnydale and you have more time to shop.”

“I know, I have to go.” Buffy fumbled with her teaspoon. “I’m just scared.”

Merrick was waiting for her to continue. She didn’t. “What are you afraid of?”

She looked at him with those sad eyes, the ones she had displayed all the time in the other time line. “I fear being alone. I’m scared that Spike won’t love me. I think about losing him to death. About how maybe he’s better off with Drusilla, because at least then he would be alive. I can’t go through it again. I’m terrified that I’ll lose him, even if I’m lucky enough to get him this time.” Her eyes were shining brightly with unshed tears.

“As you said just a minute ago, we never know what might happen in the future. All things are possible. I’ve promised you my support though, so let’s go to Sunnydale and just see what happens. We don’t need to borrow problems and worries, we’ll just take it as it comes once we’re there. How does that sound?” Merrick reached his hand out to Buffy, and firmly clasped her hand when she extended it. “You can only try your best, right?” After a little hesitation, Buffy seemed to come to some kind of inner decision, and firmly shook her Watcher’s hand.

“You’re right. We’ll head for Sunnydale tomorrow!” she confirmed. Buffy seemed to sit up just a little straighter in her chair, as if preparing for departure already.

“We’ll want to arrive bright and early. Rupert will know that I’m dead, you realize, and I don’t want to be mistaken for a vampire. Sunshine would be a plus, when I turn up at your former Watcher’s doorstep.” They couldn’t help but laugh when they imagined the expression on Giles’ face, discovering his dearly departed friend on his doorstep. Yep, sunshine was definitely a good thing.

Planning continued into the evening. After some discussion, the pair decided they would wait before they rented a room somewhere. They needed to save their money, and Buffy knew that Giles had a spare room. If they were lucky, he might invite 'the Light' and her guide to stay with him.

Setting out from LA early in the morning, Buffy had the window seat on the bus ride. I remember Sunnydale like it was only yesterday that I was here last, not so many years ago. Some places in Sunnydale I remember with absolute clarity, others are foggy. Some I don’t want to remember. And then there are those I wish I could remember better. Right now I have only one wish. I wish that I wasn’t so scared. My hands are shaking. It has to stop. I can’t afford to mess this up. She rubbed her hands over her face, frustrated with her inability to get her fear under control.

I’m not used to being this scared. I’m scared that they’ll try to take over my life again. Make me nothing more than a slave, just doing whatever they want me to do. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stand up to them. Buffy took a deep breath and concentrated on relaxing for a moment, trying to stop her body from shaking.

Noticing her distress, Merrick laid his hand on top of hers. Buffy looked up, met her Watcher’s eyes, and remembered. I’m not alone, and I’ve changed, changed a lot. I’m my own woman. I can say no to them. I will say no to them. As if by magic, Buffy felt her shaking decrease, and she gave a sigh of relief. Everything will be okay.

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Shortly after the knock, the door opened. “It’s me, Giles. Hope you don’t mind that I came straight in?”

“I don’t mind at all. It just makes things easier for me.” Joyce went past him with a teapot. “Come into the living room. Willow is already here.”

“Hi, Giles,” Willow greeted him.

“Willow, how are you today?” Giles’ glasses were already off his face. “You're early.”

“Yes, Joyce told me you would be here early. I wanted to speak with you, about getting Buffy’s soul back into her body. Here.” She tried to hand him a book. “It’s a spell to bring her soul back.” Giles didn’t take the book. “I can help you with the spell, but you have to do it. I can still only float a pencil.”

Giles sighed heavily. “I wish that it was that easy. But no, Willow. We can’t.”

“Why can’t we do it? Aren’t you powerful enough?”

“It’s not about power, Willow.” While he was polishing his glasses, Giles tried to find a way to explain to Willow why returning Buffy’s soul wouldn’t be a good idea. “Who do you love most in this world, Willow?”

“I don’t understand. What has that got to do with anything?”

“Just humour me.” The librarian’s glasses were on again. Now that he had found a way to explain it to Willow, he didn’t need the distraction that polishing his lenses afforded him.

She blushed. “Oz.”

“Would you give up Oz for Buffy’s soul?”

“What? Oz would never leave me.”

“I’m not talking about Oz leaving. I’m talking about Oz dying, as payment for Buffy’s soul.”

“No…no, they can’t do that.” Willow was frantically shaking her head.

“If we do get Buffy’s soul back from Heaven, that’s what will happen!” A mask of sadness fell over the tired Englishman’s face. “And, if we got her back, she would be damaged. It’s quite possible that she might not survive for long.”

“Damaged? How do you mean? And why wouldn’t she survive?” Willow wanted to know. In her eyes, she had found the perfect solution to their problem, and she wasn’t about to give up easily.

“It’s Heaven, Willow. I would expect that it would be very peaceful. To come from Heaven to Earth, would definitely be Hell for her. She would want to go back to Heaven. I have only ever read of one case where a soul was successfully retrieved from Heaven. The process was fully documented, including the repercussions. The person resouled was unable to adapt to their Earthly environment again, and committed suicide shortly after being restored.”

“Oh my God.” Willow’s eyes filled with tears. She turned to the comfort of Joyce’s arms, made readily available when the Slayer’s mother sat down on the sofa, next to the overwrought young witch.

Giles looked flustered having forgotten about Joyce’s presence in the room. “I’m sorry, Joyce. I didn’t mean for you to hear that.”

“It’s okay, Giles. I needed to hear it.” She sent him a smile of regretful understanding.

Giles turned his attention to Willow again, noting that she was still crying quietly in Joyce’s arms. “Will you promise me that you will never try to do that? Never try to retrieve a soul from Heaven?”

Willow’s tearstained face lifted and she met the Watcher’s eyes without hesitation. “Never, Giles. I promise.”

“You have tremendous potential as a witch. Once we have dealt with the Light and all that entails, I want to begin formally training you, Willow. You will need careful guidance to develop the control and power needed to reach your true potential.” Willow’s face instantly brightened. It was easy to see that she had been playing around with magic, trying to teach herself the arts with the same determination that she had tackled calculus and computer programming. That awareness confirmed Giles’ recent suspicions, and he felt a sense of fear for his young charge. “Magic is not something to be toyed with, Willow. Until your lessons begin, I expect you to refrain from practicing any spells or enchantments.” Willow was clearly embarrassed to be caught, and not happy to have her explorations curtailed, but she met Giles’ eyes and nodded her consent.

At that, Giles turned his attention to Joyce, and said, “now might be a good time for a cup of tea.” With fresh beverages to distract them, it didn’t seem long before the rest of the group joined them.

-----------------------------------

“Nice little town.” Merrick said, as they walked down the well-tended sidewalks.

Buffy looked at the Watcher, as if he were something from another planet. “You do know it’s right above a Hellmouth, and at night you can hardly step outside, without becoming dinner for some demon, right?”

“Didn’t mean it like that.” Merrick looked at her with a smile in his eyes. “And you know that.”

Buffy smiled back. “I do. In the sun, it seems like a perfectly nice and normal American town, where regular people would raise their children or retire.”

After walking a while, Merrick couldn’t help but tease Buffy a bit. “Aren’t you grateful that we left your boxes and bags at the bus station? It’s been quite a walk already.”

“No!” She pouted. “I still don’t like it. They could get stolen, or that guy at the station could sell my books.”

“Don’t be silly, Buffy. It’s his job to look after the things left in storage there. He gets paid to watch them.”

“Doesn't make me like it.”

“I know, Buffy. I know. If I recall correctly, we’re just about at Giles’ flat now, aren’t we? Best keep quiet now. You never know who is watching or listening. You’re certain you want to go through with this?”

Merrick looked thoughtfully at the Slayer, trying to read her mood. I don’t think that she has overcome her fear. It’s better, but not gone. I know how hard this must be for her, after what they did to her. And now she has to see them again. There is only one reason for her to be here, and that’s Spike. If he hadn’t been here, I think she would have preferred to stay where she was, hoping that, one day, somebody would destroy the world, so that she might finally find peace. He sighed. I hope she gets what she deserves. What she should have had the first time around.

Buffy already had the bulky sweatshirt on, but now she pulled the hood down as far as she could get it. Before they left her bags at the bus station, she pulled out a few couple pairs of sweatpants to add to her disguise. It made her more confident that her former friends wouldn’t recognize her. At this point, there was a very little chance that they would even be able to guess whether she was a woman or a man.

As they approached the apartment door, Buffy stayed in the background. Merrick knocked, and then knocked again after a brief pause. “I don’t think he’s at home. Maybe we should come back later?”

“I want to get this over with before I lose my nerve. Why don’t we try a few other places in town? Maybe we’ll get lucky and figure out where he is. If not, we can always come back here again later.” Buffy asked impatiently.

“Hmm…Alright. Do you know where else he might be,” Merrick asked.

“Well, school is out, but he could be there anyway. Let’s try and call the library.”

Merrick flashed her a supportive smile, proud that she was handling the delay so well. “Okay. Let’s find a phone.”

“There’s one about a block away,” Buffy told him.

Merrick made the call, after Buffy gave him the number from memory. “No one is picking up.” He hung up the phone. “What now?”

Buffy looked thoughtful. “Try Willow. Say she has an overdue library book. If she is not there, try to find out where you can get a hold of her.”

There was a speculative gleam in Merrick’s eye, when he finished speaking with Willow’s mother. “You said earlier that your mom doesn’t know you are the Slayer in this time line, but if we find Giles where we’re going to find Willow, my guess is you’re wrong.”

“Huh?”

“As far as Willow’s mother knows, Willow is at your place.”

Buffy thought for a few minutes. “So you think my mom already knows? That’s not bad, not at all. At least then I don’t have to tell her.”

-----------------------------------

Spike tried to convince Drusilla to leave Sunnydale behind. He had hoped that if they skipped town, all would turn back to normal.

He hadn’t counted on Drusilla refusing to leave. She said that she was waiting for her Daddy. Spike was very patient, as he explained again and again that Angel had a soul now and wouldn’t be coming for his Princess. Nothing helped. Dru insisted on staying, so Spike stayed too. He had nowhere else to go, and had never been away from Dru. Though he was frustrated by her behaviour, he hoped that she would return to him in time.