~*~

Buffy looked around, half expecting to see Spike at her side, ready for patrol. She found herself feeling the now familiar pangs of disappointment when he was nowhere to be seen.

The solitary Slayer was only beginning to remember how much she relied on Spike and how much she enjoyed his company, his friendship. She would never admit it to him, of course, but had to acknowledge to herself that he understood her better than anyone in her life ever had. She had thrown away the comfortable companionship they had built when she followed her urges to finally touch and taste the sexy vampire.

The memory of his gentle but firm hands that always knew just where, and how, to touch her body began to seduce her thoughts She could nearly feel his kisses, hot in their urgency and yet tender at the same time. The sex had been beyond belief. Spike knew her body as well as her mind and soul. In the few short months they had been together, she had experienced things that she had never imagined two people could do to give and receive pleasure. He was single minded and amazingly talented in making sure Buffy was totally satisfied.

Buffy felt herself blush at the memories and was irritated by the overwhelming desire that washed over her. Spike was a tactile being, as was she, and she missed the teasing touches on patrol that subtly led up to a quick run to his crypt to explore those pleasures once again.

Sometimes after patrol Buffy would lay awake, consumed with memories of those nights. She would pull out the memories and let her hand slide beneath the elastic of her panties. As good as it felt, the pleasure was still lacking something. It could never match the passion that had brought down a house. Her hands never seemed to match the skills of her handsome vampire lover.

She remembered when she would kick in his door and pull his head down to hers, tongue seeking tongue, hands moving fast and certain. Their clothing seeming to melt away leaving only perfectly toned body against perfectly toned body. His hands, God, his hands! Moving surely and knowingly over her breasts, tugging on her erect nipples then moving lower and easily finding her wet and waiting quim.

Quim--his word, not hers. The way he said it sounded both dirty and worshipful at the same time. And worship he did, with fingers, tongue and finally, cock.

He always tried to turn it into lovemaking, but Buffy wasn’t having any of that. No sweetness or tenderness, and as little talk as possible. Spike had learned quickly what she wanted and how she wanted it.

Still, he would try to love her, to draw things out. He’d get this longing look on his face and try to say sweet words and turn the touches into caresses.

That was when she would use all those hurtful words, verbally staking him with them, making sure she remembered WHY she COULD not love him. Spike was evil, soulless, a thing really, not human at all; just a dead thing that pretended to be human, pretended to love. Then she would leave, never looking back at the destruction she knew she was leaving behind.

Buffy was sure she had done the right thing in ending it. Her friends would never accept Spike in that part of her life, they barely tolerated his help in the demon killing. Buffy had also finally accepted that the vampire had deeply felt emotions and truly did love her. She knew she had hurt him and just wanted to stop the pain.

She had gone from words chosen to build walls for herself and to push him away to actual fists that had nearly killed him. Spike might have been unable to get up from the alley where she had left his bruised and bloodied body, after pouring out all of her self hatred on him. He could have dusted in the sunrise because of her, because of loving her. All the unbelievably pleasurable sex in the world wasn’t worth the pain they were both enduring. Eventually, one of them was sure to kill the
other, even though they had both lost the desire to do that years before.

With all that weighing on her mind, Buffy’d had no choice but to cut her losses. Spike didn’t deserve the kind of hurt she had been dishing out and she could never, ever allow herself to openly love another vampire. She had lost too many loved ones to risk that.

Still, she missed him, felt for him. She still looked for him, even a passing glimpse would do. No matter what her head might say, her heart still hurt when he wasn’t there.

She hadn’t really expected him to show up to Xander’s ill fated non-wedding. Buffy knew that Anya had invited Spike, but it was too soon since Buffy had ended the sick relationship that had passed as her love life for months now. No, the only surprise that day had been Xander walking out and leaving Anya to face a roomful of his family and their friends with the message that no marriage was going to take place.

Buffy wasn’t sure who she felt sorriest for: Xander who walked away from the only happiness he had seemed to have in all of the years Buffy had known him, or Anya who had hung her whole human existence on the man she loved. They were both loose cannons at this point. Running away had not helped Xander pull out of the depression he still wore like a heavy winter coat. Now Anya had disappeared and that worried the Slayer part of Buffy to no end.

Love was hard. Even a couple so obviously in love as Xander and Anya hadn’t gotten it right. No wonder Buffy had the track record she did.

For years she had thought her only chance at happiness had a big fat curse attached to it. Since then, she had come to realize that Angel was in her past, but she couldn’t seem to see anyone in her future either.

Her last meeting with Angel, just after her return from the dead, had been awkward and the conversation stilted. Her long lost love seemed to be holding back a lot of information about his life now. He could hardly wait to return to LA, and seemed vastly relieved when Buffy said she needed to get home.

Of course they had never been known for long, deep, talks, baring their souls to one another. It had all been about the passion of first love and the taste of forbidden fruit. Buffy would always love Angel, but she recognized the kind of love it was, at least. That last meeting had underscored that.

As for Spike…well, Buffy knew she had feelings for him. She simply refused to give a name to those feelings. She didn’t dare. She scarcely dared to think of him at all, but found herself unable to stop.

Buffy hadn’t seen a sign of Spike in weeks. Of course, after the last visit she had made to her former lover, she hadn’t actually sought him out. She had still expected him to come around though. Buffy had expected pleas and threats to get her to change her mind. If she were honest, Buffy was a bit disappointed that Spike just seemed to accept her ending their relationship without a word.

She watched for signs of him as she patrolled. In truth, that was the time when she wouldn’t have minded running into him. Patrols had been much easier with Spike acting as her back-up, fighting at her side. She had been more bruised and banged up since patrolling alone than she had been in years. She missed Spike. "At least, on patrol, that is", she qualified to herself.

In fact, just last week she could have really used Spike at her side. The Slayer had been nearly skewered by an ugly, waxy-looking demon with a wicked poison that could have really messed up her mind according to Willow.

The Gargle….something demon had attacked Buffy just outside the place where the Scoobies had tracked the three nerds. It had only been a lucky blow from Buffy that had killed the big ugly. If Spike had been along, it would have been easily dealt with. Yes, she missed Spike on patrol a lot.

Buffy’s mind continued to be on everything else but patrolling and she had been surprised by four vampires newly risen from the grave. She should have been able to stake them in seconds, blindfolded, but instead found herself on the ground fighting for her life. Buffy had to keep her attention focused on her duty and forget the rest of it. She had patrolled on her own in the past and would just have to get back in the groove. That didn’t mean, however, that she had stopped wondering where Spike was and why he had been invisible for ages.

She hoped he hadn’t staked himself when she dumped him.

Buffy felt her heart race in fear at the thought that he might have done such a thing. ‘No. He’d never do that. He would never just give up like that. He’s just laying low is all. Still, I’d better check to be sure he hasn’t passed out and turned into demon chow or something. He’s made a lot of enemies these last few years’, she said to herself.

With that excuse, she quickly staked the last of the quartet of newbies, broke off patrol, and headed for Restview Cemetery and Spike’s crypt.

The door was ajar when she got there and the upper level showed signs of abandonment. The lower level still reeked of gun power and decayed demon bodies. There was no sign of Spike having been home lately. "Well, guess he found another place to live after we blew this one up", she muttered. As she turned to leave, however, she stumbled across his leather duster on the floor, abandoned. "What the……? He wouldn’t move and not take this", she decided.

Buffy began to light all the candles he had available in the crypt to do a more complete search. The place was abandoned, but blood was still in the fridge and it
didn’t look like his stuff was gone. His housekeeping had improved a lot since they had started spending lots of time in the crypt, but now it looked dusty and unkempt. There were subtle signs of a fight, with an overturned table and scattered books and bottles. Of course that could have been Spike exercising his temper, she thought.

"What the hell does this mean?", Buffy asked herself. She began to feel the fine threads of worry creep into her mind over her missing ex-lover.

She knew that she had hurt Spike badly by ending their relationship, but could not grasp the idea of what it might mean, this mess and no Spike. If he had left town, he would have taken his stuff. If he had moved, he would have taken it, too. No, the only thing not present was Spike. From the looks of everything, he hadn’t been there in quite a while.

How was she going to find him? Tara! She’d go find Tara and have the witch do a locator spell to find out where Spike had gone, if he was alright.

Tara had seemed to be okay with knowing about their affair and Buffy was sure she could be trusted. Tara even seemed to actually like Spike, so she would be concerned about him, too. Tara was even around more now that she and Willow were slowly working their way back together.

Yes, Buffy had a plan. It was time to act.