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CHAPTER 8: And my sins will be forgiven

High heeled sandals were not the shoes of choice to run on stone paved sidewalks lit up by torches. Buffy found that out the hard way. After twisting her ankle for the second time, she paused long enough to take off the offending footwear. She threw the sandals in a nearby bush and kept going until she was past the limits of the resort. She was not nearly as upset as she had been while standing in front of Spike, but she still needed to be alone. She stopped running and turned around. The sky was now completely dark and the lights of the resort made it look like a small village in the distance. But around her, everything was dark and peaceful. Just what she needed.

Buffy resumed her trek at a much calmer pace now that she was sure to be completely alone. She walked in the direction where the sound of the ocean was coming from. She climbed a few rocks, which would have been a challenge in the dark if she wasn‘t the Slayer, but she managed easily and with her usual grace. She finally hopped off the rock and landed in the soft sand of a secluded beach. She let out a sigh of contentment at the wonderful feeling of the sand between her toes. Buffy took a few steps until she could feel the waves lapping gently at her feet, then closed her eyes to take it all in. The rhythmic sound of the ocean, the smell, the cool night air… She felt alive. Her head was clearer and her thoughts more quiet. This was exactly what she needed.

Running away had been an impulsive reaction, but it did prove something: Spike had hit a sore spot with his comment and maybe it was time that she faced some of the things that were just beneath the surface; things that were still there between them. Pretending the past never happened doesn’t make it go away, unfortunately.

Buffy pouted at the thought. Why wasn’t denial a good thing again? She was so great at it. Not caring about her dress, she sat in the slightly humid sand. She stretched her legs in front of her and reclined back with her head pillowed on her crossed arms. Getting the sand out of her hair in the morning would be a real bitch, but she couldn’t bring herself to care at the moment. The stars above her were brighter than she’d remembered ever seeing them before and she wished she could enjoy the view and think of nothing else. But thoughts of Spike kept invading her consciousness, and despite her best efforts, she simply couldn’t ignore them.

Spike. His reaction earlier to her being her usual unreasonable bitchy self had come out of the blue. OK, maybe not. They did have some major unresolved issues between them. Issues that were mainly rooted in those six months right before she died. So no, not out of the blue because it was probably always there just waiting to come out. But it had definitely taken her by surprise. And perhaps it was a good thing. After all, it did shock her out of her denial.

Buffy knew she tended to act as if her life before and after her death were two different lives, especially as far as her relationship with Spike was concerned. She had been stupid and blind, now she saw the error of her ways and came to her senses, end of the story. But what she’d done before, the violent rejections, the way she’d mocked him, the hurtful words, ignoring how hard he was trying to change for her… Spike had been the one to live through all this, not her. So of course it was easier for her to just pretend it never happened. But finding the courage to declare your love to someone, only to have the person tell you: “the only chance you’ve ever had with me was when I was unconscious.” of course that will leave a scar.

Buffy snickered humorlessly at her own stupidity. How could she think even for a second that he’d ever try again? No man in his right mind, and with an once of pride, would ever risk facing that kind of rejection twice. Oh, sure she was much friendlier to him now, but did she give him any reason to believe that his love would be welcome now?

Buffy sat up and rubbed her arms to rid them of the sand stuck to her skin. She bent her legs and hugged her knees to her chest. The jumble that had been her thoughts just a moment ago, were now clear and everything seemed simple. Well, as simple as they could ever be anyway.

She saw the look on his face earlier when she’d thoughtlessly said that she was good at rejecting men. The hurt in his eyes. She’d run because she knew she did that. She was angry with herself. And she did have a good reason to be. But she also needed to accept that she’d done that to him, and forgive herself. His forgiveness, that was something she had no control over. But this, she could control. Accept it, then move on and work on building something with him from scratch. Their timing had been so wrong before. He’d fallen in love with her when she was anything but ready for it. But now, they were both on the same page and had a chance to finally put the past behind and move forward. He’d been ready for that for a while, and now she was ready too. But she had to stop waiting for him to take the first step because the chances of that happening were non-existent.

Buffy jumped to her feet, deciding that her little epiphany had lasted long enough. She really wasn’t the kind of girl to spend hours in deep meditation over her problems. Yes, she easily admitted to be clueless at times when it came to serious life stuff, but once she got something, there was no need to look at it from a million different angles.

She started the trek back to the hotel room, filled with the certainty that tomorrow was the first day of their new life. She’d stop being a coward and act like the confident Slayer that she really was. Since when did she need a man to take the first step anyway? She couldn’t remember what exactly she’d been thinking. She’d take control of the situation, make things right, then make Spike forget she was ever a bitch to him. Yep, that sounded like a good plan. The best she’d had in ages. Better yet, she knew exactly how to make it happen. She smiled and bit her lip at the naughty idea that crossed her mind. She knew she should stop playing games with him, but couldn‘t help it. After all, she needed to keep things interesting. Sitting down and discussing their relationship? What would be the fun in that? It wasn‘t their style anyway.

She retrieved her sandals from the bush where she’d dropped them earlier and made her way to the room. It was still early so Spike was most likely still out. He was probably sitting at a bar somewhere, drunk and pouting. She hesitated for a moment, wondering if she should go to him, but decided it was best to give him some space for now.

Buffy swiped her keycard and opened the door. The room was cast in darkness, but thanks to the light in the hallway, she could see that Spike was in bed, facing away from her.

She closed the door as quietly as she could, unsure if he was asleep or just laying down. She was slowly making her way to the bathroom when his voice broke the silence of the room, nearly making her jump out of her skin.

“’you all right?” He asked, his voice flat and emotionless.

Buffy turned to look at him, but he was still facing the opposite wall. “Yeah… Why?”

“Blood.”

She frowned, trying to think what he could mean by that, when it downed on her. “Oh. I cut my foot on a rock on the beach. It’s nothing, just a scratch.”

“Fine.”

She waited a beat or two, but he said nothing more.

“Spike…”

“Trying to sleep.”

She was tempted to reply that it was only 11 o’clock, but decided that it really wasn’t a good idea. She hung her head and turned back to the bathroom before saying sadly: “For all it’s worth… I’m sorry. I really am.”

Buffy thought he wouldn’t answer, but he did.

“Don’t fret over it. I’m not mad. Just tired.”

“… ok.” She said almost shyly before disappearing in the bathroom to change.

She came back out and slipped under the covers of her bed. She waited a long moment before finding the courage to break the silence.

“Good night, Spike.”

She almost held her breath while waiting for the answer. She was a bit relieved when it came and his voice didn’t sound as lifeless as it had been when she’d first walked into the room.

“Good night, Buffy.”

Yeah. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would be rested, in a better mood, and would have forgiven her stupid comment and her past mistakes. By the same time tomorrow, things would finally be right.

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