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Where Do I Stand? by Thianna
18 - A Secret
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Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.


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A/N: Thanks to McChick for betaing this chapter

CHAPTER 18 - A Secret

I had no answers, not even speculations, as to who would curse my beloved angel with a soul. I spent most of the day running scenarios in my head, trying to recall as far back as a month ago of anything significant during our nightly outings. But there was nothing out of the ordinary. Could we have angered some mystical entity? But the hunt had been fairly uneventful. It was so boring at times that we had to make up games or purposely prolong a poor victim’s suffering just to provide some form of amusement. Maybe it was some sort of vengeance. I shook my head and hoped that was not the case. I had heard about vengeance demons, but the most well renowned demons were typically of women wronged by men. Sera favored male victims.

But then again vengeance was never a clean cut affair. I knew that for a fact remembering the day I sought retribution for the source of my human embarrassment. My fury was meant only to hurt those that had caused me to run away with human tears into the arms of my salvation, but I had gone beyond that and killed. No, killed was such a tame word. No, I slaughtered over thirty people that night. My Dark Princess was proud of such an accomplishment but seeing one or two of my victims left a somewhat bitter taste in my mouth. Not everyone in that gathering deserved such a death. There was no mercy. There were no lovely sighs, kisses, soft caresses or yearning. Unlike most of my victims of late who I typically grant some semblance of satisfaction, usually sexual in nature, those that were unfortunate enough to meet William the Bloody that night were tortured, beaten and clawed. Some were even mauled and mutilated beyond recognition. In some twisted sense of humor I had taken a railroad spike and bludgeoned a number of them to death. There was blood everywhere. On the walls, on the floor, on clothing on flesh, on me. There was not one piece of clothing on my person that was not stained, almost drenched with dark, red, sweet blood.

Elizabeth stirred in the bed beside me. Her brow furrowed and her hands shot up as if trying to push someone or something away. I quickly focused my thoughts on her and pushed memories of my night of vengeance far from my mind. She calmed down once I filled my thoughts of her and I cursed inwardly for being careless enough to let those memories flow to her in her current condition.

I pulled her into my arms, caressing her arms to soothe her as I whispered apologies in her ear. “Forgive me, luv. I should have known better.” I pursed my lips on her ear, nibbling gently as I filled my senses with her scent.

She answered with a small whimper before her eyes fluttered open looking at me with sadness. “None of that now, kitten.”

I could tell from the expression on her face that she wanted to ask about that time… about the memory that inadvertently flowed into her and became her recent nightmare. I shook my head and placed a finger on her lips. “That was a long, long time ago, pet and none of it your fault.”

She answered me with a sigh as she buried her face into my bare chest. I held her there, somewhat thankful that though she seemed upset, none of her tears flowed. Or maybe she was just running out of them.

I let my fingers dance against her back, lifting them to her neck to play with my scars which stood proudly on her pale skin. Her body stiffened slightly as the touch registered, but it was obvious she was fighting the reaction her body had to the magical bond that made us mates. It hurt. I wouldn’t lie to myself and say I was fine with it. Who in the world would be okay with the fact that your mate didn’t want to be intimate with you? But I had to be understanding and because I loved her, I would help her forget, even for just an hour or so about her pain.

I bent down and replaced deft fingers with soft lips, pulling a fair amount of skin and flesh into me. I took my time, letting my tongue dart out to trace lazy circles on the claim mark while the hand that was on her neck just recently slid down below her waist to rest lightly on one luscious butt cheek. The demon inside wanted nothing more than to burst forth and reaffirm the claim. It was slightly confused, bordering on irritated, that it was being held back and replaced by tenderness – a tenderness that it deemed shouldn’t be shown to a woman that was in someway rejecting him at the moment. It took some concentration not to want to shift and sink my fangs into her sweet flesh but she didn’t need any reminder that she was a demon at the moment. She needed a fantasy to hopefully deal with everything that was going on. I needed to show here that she was bound to a man and not just a demon.

I worried the claim mark with lips and tongue not even daring to use my human teeth. She had a hand splayed against my chest as if ready to push me away but the tension in her arms soon disappeared as I let the hand on her bottom caress the soft flesh hiding behind her slip. My hand craved contact and with nimble fingers I grasped the fabric of her slip, lightly pulling the cloth upward to expose her outer thigh. When I heard a soft moan from her lips, my hand dared to move onto something more intimate, part of me waiting for her to bat it away but she had embraced this fantasy easily.

“All for you, Elizabeth. I’ll stop if you wish me to.” I whispered into her ear.

“William, no don’t stop. … Mmmm … “

Her using my human name should have hurt. Who was I kidding? It did, a little bit. But I would let it pass for her. For now.

My hand delved beneath sheets and fabric, searching for the familiar folds of flesh that I was intent on teasing. She moaned when I found my prize and started to rub it lightly. My fingers stroked the little bundle of nerves hidden between the folds of sweet flesh till the scent of her arousal permeated the air and her button peaked out from my ministrations. I moved two fingers near her now weeping slit then started alternating between rubbing her clit and thrusting inside her waiting need. She gasped when I first plunged my digits into her, but the gasps were soon replaced by heated moans as she rocked her hips forward, wanting me to thrust deeper into her. Her bottom lip found its way between her teeth as her head fell back against the pillows and her thighs parted ever so slightly to give me better access.

“That’s it luv. Don’t be afraid to let yourself go.”

I know that sounded a little silly since I had seen her climax numerous times, even before she was turned. But I wanted to reassure her that she was safe here, safe with me. Her eyes fluttered closed as my fingers delved deeper into her. She moved to lay flat on her back, her hips thrusting slightly upward in time with my fingers. I watched her intently and felt like something was missing. I should be there with her – moaning and writhing in pleasure, but this wasn’t about me right now. My hard straining need would have to wait. I would have to forgo my own pleasure for now, but I needed some sort of contact. I felt like I needed to taste her.

I moved down, pulling my fingers away from her need. She whimpered at the momentary loss of contact but gasped soon enough as I kissed her nether lips, showing them the same ardor I normally would when I kiss her mouth. My tongue slid inside her, taking the time to slowly taste both her flesh and arousal. I buried my face between her legs and with long slow strokes, licked the bundle of nerves that just moments ago were at my finger’s mercy. I took my time, letting the feel of her flesh and the taste of her sex register in my brain with each lick. Her fingers soon found their way to my hair, tangling between curls as she kept me in place. Happily I complied, sampling her and wanting more. Her moans grew louder as her body tensed up and soon she found her release, declaring her pleasure and calling out my human name as wave upon wave of sexual bliss coursed through her body.

I waited until the last trembling of her climax subsided before I moved to lie beside her once more. She sighed with content, holding onto my form, as if she was afraid the only lifeline she had at the moment would disappear. I planted a kiss on the top of her head and watched as she drifted once more into sleep. I wanted to take her, to make her mine. I wished she had looked at me when I was teasing her into ecstasy but I was willing to give her what she needed at the moment. There would be enough time later to worry about her situation. I just needed to keep her safe, keep her away from prying eyes and keep this a secret.


She was staring off into space again, dressed only in her slip. I had felt her climb out of bed earlier but instead of doing what I wanted which was to pull her against me, I gave her space. She must have felt me move against the sheets since she turned and for a brief moment met my blue eyes. She looked down and started biting her lower lip, a sure sign that she was thinking about something. I raised myself on one elbow then reached out with my free hand, beckoning her to come to me. She looked at it, just staring at the outstretched hand for what seemed like forever before her legs moved and in a whirl of white fabric she made her way back to our bed.

“Luv, the sun’s down. We have to get you dressed for the hunt.”

She shook her head and her eyes registered fear. “No… I won’t go.”

“You have to pet. It has been over a week since you’ve joined us. If you don’t go, Angelus and Darla may suspect something. Please luv. I’ll be there. I’ll take care of you.” I said moving to mold my body against her back but she resisted and stayed somewhat tense.

“I won’t kill. I won’t take another life.”

“I know that. But you need to come with me. Please?!”

She remained firm until I peppered kiss down her neck. She nodded slightly and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I gave her a light kiss on the cheek before I moved from the bed and pulled discarded clothes on. I could feel her eyes on me as I dressed. If she had been feeling fine, I would have made some lascivious remark. But now was not the time for such things. I buttoned my shirt and tucked it quickly in my trousers before moving towards the closet to pick out a dress for her. I chose a simple blue dress and presented it before her. She stood up slowly and allowed me to help her into it, stepping through the skirt and slipping her arms in its sleeves.

“That’s my girl. We’ll get you all prettied up.”

“I want it out of me. I want the voices to stop. Spike, please make them stop.”

With a sigh, I finished buttoning up her dress then pulled her into my arms. “Forgive me pet. I still haven’t found where they are. I still don’t know who was responsible. But I’m close. Soon love. I’ll take care of everythin’. I love you.”

She cringed for a moment and I closed my eyes trying to ignore what she just did. I don’t know what to think anymore. Have I really lost my mate? I know she could feel my affection for her through the claim but it seemed like she wouldn’t believe me. There were times when she seemed to be okay being in my arms and at times she would shudder at my touch.

“I’m sorry Spike. I’m just … I’m just confused is all. I don’t doubt that you care but …”

I swallowed my pride. At least she called me Spike and not William. “Shhh, luv. Don’t apologize. It’s enough that you’re here.” I said taking a brush and running it through her hair. We sat like that in silence for a moment as I worked to smooth her hair till it had a luster of its own. I placed the brush back down on the dresser then I pushed my left sleeve up, and thrust the fleshy part of my forearm near her lips.

She gave me a puzzled look.

“Go ahead luv. You need your strength and it should help with the hunger.”

She looked at it with trepidation but she couldn’t deny the presence of her hunger. She held my arm firmly then sank her teeth in. Her tongue traced lazy circles on my skin as she drank and I was somewhat relieved when I could feel her relax against me.

“That’s it, pet. Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll figure somethin’ out.”


Elizabeth held on to my arm tightly as the family went out to hunt. I purposely slowed our pace in the hopes that maybe we could slip away from them. I knew she felt uncomfortable about the whole situation. I could sense the conflict within her as she heard muffled cries from the victims that fell before our sires.

“They’re all innocent.” She said softly.

“Not everyone is innocent, luv.”

But she dared me with her piercing green eyes.

“Well perhaps some are more innocent than others, but most people have their own little skeletons and secrets.”

“Do we have to do this tonight?”

I stopped walking and just stared at my shoes.


“Elizabeth, it’s who we are. It’s what we do to survive.” I said solemnly.

“No it’s not. That’s Angelus talking. We don’t have to kill. We don’t have to take an innocent human life.”

“Will that help, luv? Will it make you feel better if I feed only on the not so innocent?”

She closed her eyes and rested her head on my chest. It looked like a small gesture but it spoke volumes between us. I knew she was torn. Her new found morality had her hanging precariously over the endless and fathomless pit of insanity. She needed something to hold on to the world and being her mate that job was mine. It was hard enough on her to feel guilt for past sins and it didn’t help that she was strongly connected and had feelings for someone that shared if not exceeded those sins. I thought for sure during the past week that she would leave me. But my angel was strong. She still could not bring the right words lest the right emotions to the surface, but small gestures like this one helped. As long as she wanted to be by my side I would never leave her, I loved her that much. Who was I bloody kidding? Even if she didn’t want me by her side, I would still follow her. She was mine. She was my mate.

… a week or so later …

I had a frightened man by the throat, his back flat against the wall. His hands were desperately clawing my left hand, struggling uselessly as I just gripped him tighter.

“Now, you feel like talkin’ yet?” From the corner of my eye I saw Elizabeth turn her back.

“I … I … told you. I don’t know anything.”

“See I really don’t think you’re tellin’ me the truth.” I said pulling him back about a foot away from the wall before slamming him back against it with such force that the room shook. “Now, what was it you were sayin’?”

“I don’t know who it was. I just cast the spell.”

“Then remove it!”

“I can’t …”

“You can’t or you won’t?” I growled.

“I don’t know how.”

“Guess that means you’re useless then.” I said baring my fangs as my free hand ripped his shirt to expose his shoulder.

“But … but I know who might be able to help. There’s … this seer … powerful, can talk to higher powers. He might have an idea how to remove it. But last I heard he left and moved to China.”

Elizabeth made her way towards me and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. “That’s enough Spike.”

I shook my head. “No, pet. It’s best if we cover our tracks. We wouldn’t want him to tattle tale to anybody.”

“And who is he going to squeal to, Spike?”

“Does it matter? He did the deed luv. For that alone he should pay. If it wasn’t for him you wouldn’t be feelin’ this way.”

“And how do you think killing him would make me feel? Killing him won’t resolve my current situation.”

I let out a sigh knowing she was right. “Be thankful she’s in a forgiving mood today.” I spat out as I released the frightened magic user. I turned back to Elizabeth and wrapped an arm around her waist. Once we were outside, I heard her sigh and lean against me. “I’m sorry pet. It seems like we’re not havin’ any luck. But I’ll find a way to get us to China. We’ll go talk to this seer.”

“That’s so far away.”

“I don’t care, pet. Anythin’ for you.”

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