“No Excuses”

“It's alright
There comes a time
Got no patience to search
For peace of mind
Layin' low
Want to take it slow
No more hiding or
Disguising truths I've sold

Everyday it's something
Hits me all so cold
Find me sittin' by myself
No excuses, then I know

It's okay
Had a bad day
Hands are bruised from
Breaking rocks all day
Drained and blue
I bleed for you
You think it's funny, well
You're drowning in it too

Yeah, it's fine
We'll walk down the line
Leave our rain, a cold
Trade for warm sunshine
You my friend
I will defend
And if we change, well I
Love you anyway” Alice In Chains (Jar Of Flies 1994)

“You could start by not sleeping with my friends.” Buffy’s hurt and angry voice filled the small bathroom. She resolutely kept her back to Spike as she filled the tub. If she did not look at him, she could keep her advantage.

Buffy’s words caused something inside of Spike to snap. No longer was he sorry and depressed. He was angry and Spike would make sure she finally listened.

“Now wait a bloody minute here!” Spike yelled, all traces of apology leaving his voice. “You dumped me! You said that you were using me and that it was killing you. What right do you have to stand there acting betrayed when neither Anya nor I did anything wrong?”

Spike’s words shocked Buffy. He was supposed to apologize and beg for her forgiveness. This was not how things worked with them. It was time she reminded him of that.

“You didn’t do anything wrong? You slept with Anya! How do you think that made Xander feel? Huh?”

“I could careless how the Whelp feels. Bastard doesn’t deserve a girl like Anya. She’s too good for him. Besides, it’s not like we have a relationship, right Slayer?” Spike stated, eyebrow raised in challenge. This made Buffy even angrier.

“We never had a relationship and we never will!” Buffy declared. She waited smugly for the hurt to fill Spike’s expressive blue eyes but was shocked to see only triumph.

“Said it yourself pet. We never had a relationship, so you have no right to be angry with me.” Spike’s smile turned sad and resigned. “If only you had admitted that we had something, this never would have happened.” Buffy could not believe her ears. Spike was trying to blame the whole thing on her. He was in the wrong not her.

“You’re blaming me for this!” Buffy shrieked.

“No pet, I’m just stating the facts is all.” Spike responded all of his anger leaving him. Suddenly he was exhausted and he simply did not have the energy for any more of her games. “If you had simply told the truth about us, that we were an actual couple. I never would have looked at another woman, much less Anya.” Sighing Spike squared his shoulders, his head lifting fractionally. Blue eyes stared into hers, a determination glowing in them that she had not seen since their disastrous affair had begun.


“See the thing is Buffy, I love you. But this,” Spike said gesturing between the two of them. “This is killing me.”

“So? It’s not like you have feelings. You don’t have a soul.” Buffy said snidely. The reaction she got was not the one she wanted. Spike simply shook his head sadly at her, as if she were a rather slow child who wasn’t picking up the lesson fast enough.

“Right there is your problem luv. You see everything in black and white, or so you tell everyone around you.” Spike spoke quietly but with conviction ringing through his words. “If you truly thought that I could not feel then you would never have been able to use me the way you have.”

Shaking her head in denial of his words Buffy tried to find someway to get Spike back were she wanted him.

“That was only because you wanted into my pants! I love one man and you will never be good enough to fill his place in my life. I already told you Spike. You’re convenient.” Buffy waited for the victorious feelings to fill her as she waited for Spike’s reaction. What she got nearly broke her. Spike’s blue eyes filled with tears. Slowly they ran unchecked down his pale cheeks. The devastation in his eyes tore her heart out and she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around Spike and tell him she was wrong, that she really did love him. Still, she held her ground. She could not let him in. Spike would simply hurt her the way all of the others had and her friends would never accept him in her life. Buffy simply had to keep Spike on the sidelines. It was the only way she could have him.

‘Think what you will, luv.” Spike whispered. “But I’m finished.” The startled gasp those words drew flew from Buffy before she could stop them.

“I’m so tired Buffy. I’m tired of this town, your friends and I’m tired of you.” Raising dull eyes, Spike looked directly at Buffy. “I’m giving you what you say you want and what I desperately need. I will not be the monster you and yours claim me to be. I’m above that.” Spike declared. Turning he opened the bathroom door and left, walking out of Buffy’s life and Sunnydale for good.

Slowly Buffy’s legs gave out from under her. She never felt the cold tiles beneath her. Her heart was shattering in her chest and she could barely see through her tears. Spike was leaving her and she had shown him the way. Buffy never noticed when Xander barged into the bathroom and began asking her if she was all right. Buffy would never be all right again. Spike was gone.