Chapter 4

When Riley came out of the class he was TA-ing, he was surprised to find Buffy staked out by the doorway.

“Can we talk?” she asked, her voice plaintive, before he could even get a word out.

He nodded coolly, not giving away any emotion in his expression. “Sure.”

“I’m sorry about the other night,” she started, as they left the building and headed across the quad. “You were right. I was being distant, and it was totally not fair to you.” She squared her shoulders and looked him in the eye. “I’m prepared for whatever groveling you feel is necessary.”

“I don’t need your groveling, Buffy,” Riley said with a sigh. “I just need you to talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong. ’Cause right now I’m feeling like you’re not as interested in me as I thought you were, and –”

“No! No, that’s not it at all!” she exclaimed. “Riley, I – I really like you, and I don’t wanna screw this up. I just…” She took a deep breath. “I’ve been preoccupied with Slayer stuff lately, and I haven’t been handling it as well as I should have.”

He brightened up. “Oh, well, if it’s Slayer stuff, I can help. Pretty experienced demon hunter here, remember?”

Buffy just gave him a slightly condescending smile.

“Okay, maybe not by your standards,” he conceded, “but I do have a whole army backing me up. If there’s anything I can help with…”

“Thanks,” she replied. “I’ll talk to Giles and see what he says. He can be a little prickly about the whole secrecy thing.”

*****

“So, you lied to him,” Willow concluded, setting her lunch tray down on an empty cafeteria table.

“I didn’t lie,” Buffy protested, taking a seat next to her. “I just… didn’t tell him the truth.”

“Buffy, you apologized for your behavior, and then kept right on doing the same thing. I mean, I get that you’re going through something really awful, and I don’t mean to judge or anything but… you’re avoiding the problem.”

“Says the girl who tried to magic her way through a breakup,” Buffy muttered through a mouthful of her sandwich.

Willow froze, fork halfway to her mouth, a put out expression on her face. “That’s totally different. Or… okay, maybe it’s not, but – but I learned a valuable lesson from that.”

“That you should never say Spike and I should get married while under the influence of a spell?”

“That you can’t just skip over the pain,” Willow corrected her with a sidelong glance. “You can’t just make it go away, not by magic, and not by ignoring it, either. This stuff with Riley isn’t going to disappear just because you want it to.”

Buffy was saved from responding by one of Willow’s classmates, who chose that moment to approach their table, asking to borrow notes from a lecture. Dragging a French fry through her ketchup, Buffy watched the exchange with relief, welcoming the distraction.

Willow just didn’t understand. This thing with Riley would go away, just as soon as she was back to normal. All she had to do was find a demon to distract him until that happened.

*****

“Giles!” Buffy called, bursting into his apartment without knocking. “Giles?”

“What is it, Buffy?” Giles replied, emerging from the kitchen, drying his hands with a towel. “What’s the matter?”

“I need a demon.”

He blinked in confusion. “What?”

“I need a demon,” she repeated, swinging her arms restlessly at her sides. “Come on, there’s got to be some prophecy or portent in one of those old books of yours. Some big ritual I have to stop? Demon raising that needs thwarting? You gotta have something.”

“I – I’m sorry, Buffy,” Giles said, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes. “Things seem rather quiet at the moment. Is there a reason you’re so… eager for an assignment?”

Because I lied to my boyfriend about having a Big Bad to deal with, and now he wants to help?

“No,” she said aloud. “Just wanna do my sacred duty, you know? I’m Duty Girl.” After a pause, she added, “Hey, you think I could convince Spike to do something evil? Then I could go stake him.”

“I’m sure it wouldn’t take much convincing,” Giles muttered. “But, ah, let’s not go around encouraging it, shall we? You know, if you’re so anxious to do something, you could start indexing the Watcher’s diaries. I’ve been meaning to organize them for some time now, but –”

“That is so not going to cut it. I’m looking for something with kicking and fighting… and possibly a role for an Initiative soldier who’s feeling a little neglected by his girlfriend?” she finished in a wheedling tone.

Giles let out a sigh. “Buffy, I warned you about the danger of getting involved with this organization. We know nothing about them.”

“I know, Giles. And I’m not involved with them. I’m involved with Riley. And since he kills demons, and I kill demons, I figured maybe we could make it, like, a couple’s activity or something.”

“Well, I’ll see what I can find,” he said. Buffy could tell he was restraining himself from rolling his eyes, and undoubtedly thinking he should’ve done more to dissuade her from the idea of mixing dating and slaying back when she was in high school.

“You’re the best,” she replied, heading for the door.

“Buffy?” he called, halting her in his tracks. “Are you sure everything’s all right?”

“Yeah.” She shrugged, making an effort to appear indifferent. “Why wouldn’t I be?” She flashed him her best attempt at a million-dollar smile before making her way outside.

As soon as the door closed behind her, she let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. Her face fell and her shoulders slumped as she let the façade drop.

Buffy felt slightly guilty about not telling Giles the truth, but the idea of him knowing about the rape felt particularly shameful, even more so than Riley or Xander. As a Slayer, it was embarrassing; she should’ve been able to fight off an attacker. It would mean admitting to her Watcher that she’d been foolish enough to let down her guard.

But even beyond his professional interest, Giles was like a father to her, and the thought of admitting to him that she’d been sexually violated made her ill. It had been difficult and awkward enough when he’d learned that she had lost her virginity. This would be so, so much worse.

*****

“Sorry, Giles was a no-go on the Slayer stuff,” Buffy told Riley later that night at Lowell House, where he’d made dinner for the two of them. “Something about not wanting government interference.” She kept her voice light, hoping he wouldn’t pick up on her lies. As she spoke, she cut up her chicken into tiny pieces, pushing her food around the plate to make it look like she’d actually eaten some of it. “But maybe you could patrol with me or something.”

“Yeah, okay,” Riley replied, trying not to sound disappointed. He glanced down at her plate, watching her efforts. “What’s the matter? Not hungry, or does my cooking suck and you’re just too nice to tell me?”

Buffy smiled sheepishly and shook her head. “No, it’s good. I just don’t have much of an appetite.”

“It’s all that Slayer worrying you’re doing. Ruins the appetite.” Seeing that he wasn’t going to get any more food into her, Riley got up and cleared her plate along with his empty one.

Truthfully, it was primarily the choice of location that was making her feel ill. The Lowell House guys were better housekeepers than most frat boys, and so the place didn’t even look like it had hosted a party recently, but Buffy couldn’t help going over her last memories of that night. Seeing Spike, Riley running off to the Initiative, Parker, dancing… and then nothing until the next morning. She felt nauseous knowing that someone at that party – maybe even someone who lived in this house – had snuck upstairs while she was unconscious and –

“Think I can take your mind off it for a while,” Riley announced, interrupting her thoughts as he reemerged from the kitchen.

“Huh?”

“I said,” he replied, tugging her out of her chair and leading her into the living room, “I think I can take your mind off your worries for a while.” He sank down on the sofa, drawing her into his lap when she tried to sit next to him.

“Riley, I –”

He cut her off with a probing kiss she wasn’t really ready for, coaxing her lips apart with his tongue until she pulled away.

“What about patrolling?” she asked anxiously.

Riley grinned. “That can wait for another night.” He kissed her again. “Right now, I just want to be with my girl.”

Buffy pasted on another smile and let him kiss her, forcing down her distaste at being in this house, pushing away the fear and uncertainty that came with being intimate for the first time since the incident. She let Riley take the lead, his mouth capturing hers and his hands skimming across her back and arms.

You can do this, she told herself. She had to do this, or she’d never get over this feeling of discomfort.

As the make-out session grew more intense, Riley shifted subtly, encouraging her to lay back on the sofa, only to meet with Buffy’s resistance. Her fists clenched, balling up the fabric of his shirt as she tensed her muscles, prepared to throw him off her if necessary.

As if in compromise, Riley changed positions so that he was lying down, pulling Buffy onto his chest. She felt slightly more in control that way, and managed to relax enough to enjoy the kissing. Pressing the full length of her body against him, she felt his erection hard against her thigh, sending a tremor through her.

“Mmm, been waiting for this,” he murmured into her neck as he eased himself back up. He slid his hands beneath her ass and lifted her off the sofa. Instinctively, she wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her.

“Where are we going?” she asked, breathless.

Riley looked at her as though it was a silly question. “My room. Better than down here, where the guys can walk in on us.”

It was like she’d been doused in cold water. I can’t go back there. Not that room. Immediately, Buffy began to struggle, twisting out of his grasp. “I can’t.”

“Buffy, what…?” he protested, as she disentangled herself and dropped to the floor. “I don’t understand. I thought…”

“I’m sorry,” she managed, her heart beating wildly, panic seizing her at the thought of going back to his room, lying down on the same bed, Riley expecting her to –

Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe, her vision swimming, her chest feeling like it would explode. “I’m sorry. I just can’t. I have to go.”

Without waiting for a response, she sprinted out the door, leaving a bewildered Riley behind.

*****

The next day, Buffy hesitated in front of the entrance to the small campus building. She stared at the sign next to the door, reading it over and over until the letters blurred together.

Counseling Services.

With a deep breath, she opened the door and stepped inside.