Chapter 11

“It’s one of them. It has to be.”

“What are you talking about?” Spike asked, giving Buffy a quizzical look as they sat cross-legged on Xander’s sofa bed, facing each other. His reluctant host was out delivering pizzas, and so Buffy had come to entertain him in exile. She certainly didn’t mind getting off campus, as things with Willow were still tense.

“The guy who raped me – it has to be someone in the Initiative. That’s why they’re coming after us.”

He raised his eyebrows. “They’re coming after me, love. The only reason you’re involved is because you decided to help me.”

“So, what are you saying?” Buffy replied indignantly. “This is just because of you?”

“Not everything’s all about you, pet.”

She put her hand up to her ear, miming a telephone. “Hello, Kettle? It’s Pot. You’re black.”

“Just sayin’.” He gave her a playful shove, which she of course returned. That meant he had to hit her back harder, and she had to retaliate, until the skirmish quickly escalated into a wrestling match, ending with Spike pinning Buffy to the bed.

His smile suddenly faded as he realized the position he was in, and he jerked away from her with a look of horror on his face. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

Instead of reacting with the anger and revulsion he expected, Buffy slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position. “It’s okay,” she said, her tone sounding as surprised as he felt. Meeting his eyes with bewilderment, she repeated, “It’s okay.”

“Buffy, you don’t have to –”

“I’m not.” She knew that if she’d felt at all threatened, there would’ve been a Spike-shaped dent in the far wall by now. But she hadn’t – there was no panic, no flashbacks.

Her gaze still locked with his, she grasped his red button-down shirt, left unbuttoned over his t-shirt. Gently, she pulled him closer, and before he could protest, her mouth was pressed to his in a soft, tentative kiss. He melted into it, his lips parting to taste her as long-subdued desire welled up in him.

His hands fluttered everywhere; conscious of her vulnerability with intimacy, he never let them alight too long in one place lest his touch frighten her away. In contrast, her hands remained firm against his chest, a subtle reminder that she could shove him away at any moment.

Even though part of Buffy knew she shouldn’t be doing this, her body went along willingly. As she kissed him, she felt the strongest sense memory, as though this was something she’d done a hundred times before.

Well, of course I’ve done it before, she reminded herself. But that was under a spell.

Maybe this was a spell, too, because Spike’s tentative touch made her fears and uncertainties disappear as if by magic, and she felt none of the painful reminders of her assault, which had been all too present ever since that night. He made her feel safe, protected, in a way she hadn’t been sure she’d ever feel again.

Before she could further explore her confusing emotions, Spike was pulling away, his eyes lowered. “We shouldn’t be doing this,” he murmured.

“No. You’re right,” she admitted, scuttling backwards a bit on the bed. “I just…” She wanted to tell him how incredible it was, that she could be physically affectionate with him without unbearable discomfort, but he seemed so embarrassed that she let it drop. “I – I should probably go. But, um, if you need anything else from your crypt, just let me know.”

“No, this is enough. Don’t have much in the way of possessions.” He glanced down at the pile of things she’d liberated from the crypt at his request – his duster, of course, a couple changes of clothes, and a wooden cigar box that she hadn’t opened but which she guessed contained all the keepsakes he’d collected over the years.

“Well, then I’ll, um, I’ll see you,” she said quickly, gathering up her things and giving him a tentative wave before making a hasty exit.

*****

Willow was studying at her desk when Buffy got back to the dorm. As soon as she saw Buffy, she hurriedly began packing her books into her backpack. “I’m going to the library,” she announced, avoiding eye contact.

“Will, wait,” Buffy pleaded. “Can we talk?”

Willow let the backpack fall back to the floor and nodded hesitantly. “Sure.” She turned her chair around so that she was facing her bed, as Buffy perched at the foot of it.

“I’m sorry about what I said the other day,” Buffy began. “I know you’re trying to help me, and I appreciate that. I do. It’s just… the way you try to help… isn’t really what I need. But I should have told you sooner, and I shouldn’t have said it like that.”

“I had no idea you felt that way,” Willow said, shaking her head. “I thought I was doing what you wanted.”

“I know. I just need space to work this out on my own.”

“You can’t do this alone, Buffy. You may be the Slayer, but you’re still human.”

“I’m not alone,” she replied quietly.

Willow furrowed her brow, and when she spoke, there was a slight edge to her voice. “You mean Spike?”

“I mean Spike, I mean my counselor – and I mean you and Xander, too. Believe me, I am so thankful that you guys are supportive, but I don’t need to be treated like I’m fragile. I just want things to be as normal as possible with you guys. I don’t want this to rule my life.”

“Okay… I guess we can do that,” Willow conceded, but almost immediately, she added, “I just don’t know how you can act like everything’s normal. It’s not normal! This terrible, awful thing happened to you. I’d be going out of my mind if it were me.”

Buffy sighed. “I know. And I am going out of my mind, a little, which is why I need you guys. I need to know that things haven’t changed so much that I’m not still me. If I let this break me, then he wins.”

Her voice hitched at the end, and Willow leaned over to pull her into a hug. “Oh, Buffy. You’re still you,” she said. “You’re still strong and brave, and you still kick major ass.” They shared a grin. “You’re still the same person I admired from the first time I met you.”

Buffy smiled modestly. “Thanks, Will. So… we’re okay?”

“Yeah, we’re okay.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, Buffy got up to go back to her side of the room, but Willow’s sudden “Oh!” made her pause.

“I forgot to tell you,” Willow added. “Giles called.”

“Did he say what he wanted?”

“Something slayery, no doubt.” Growing serious, she hesitated a moment before asking, “You haven’t told him yet, have you?”

Buffy shook her head. “And please don’t do it for me,” she cautioned. “I don’t want him to know.”

“But –”

“Will!” After the conversation they’d just had, she’d been hoping Willow would learn when to keep out of her decisions.

“Okay, okay. I won’t say anything – but I want to go on record that I think you should.”

“Noted.”

“However, I may have mentioned that Spike is back at Xander’s place,” she blurted out quickly, as though she felt guilty about it, “so you’re gonna have to explain that part.”

Buffy closed her eyes briefly and sighed. “I can deal with that part.”

*****

“Hey, Giles, I’m here!” she called, letting herself into his apartment. “What’s the big emergency?”

“No emergency,” he replied, coming down the stairs. He was wearing unusually casual clothes and carried a dust rag in one hand. “Simply checking in. I haven’t seen you in quite some time.”

“Well, it’s been pretty quiet, right?” Buffy said, taking note of the fact that she’d obviously interrupted him cleaning his house. There couldn’t be too much going on if Giles was dusting. “And I’m super busy with school work.”

“Yes, of course you are. But that doesn’t mean you should shirk your duties.”

“I’m not shirking,” Buffy said defensively. “I’ve been patrolling. There’s just nothing exciting to report.”

“Well, that’s unfortunate,” said Giles, obvious disappointment on his face.

“You seriously need a new hobby,” she teased him. “Or a job or something. This ‘gentleman of leisure’ thing totally isn’t working out.”

“Yes, well, I’ll be sure to take a look at the classifieds.” His expression suddenly brightened as a thought occurred to him. “I did notice something suspicious in the paper this morning,” he told her, rummaging through the sections of newspaper covering the coffee table. “Ah, here it is. Mysterious attack last night on Hemlock Street. Might be worth investigating.”

Buffy shrugged. “Probably just a vamp, but I can take a look.”

“No, no, read the description.” He handed her the paper.

“Huh,” she said, skimming the article. “Vamps don’t usually make with the stabby.”

“No,” Giles agreed. “I think this requires some research, don’t you?”

“Is that glee I detect in your voice?” she asked, giving him a wary look. “I’ll rally the troops, and we’ll meet back here for a research party – if you can contain yourself that long.”

He gave her a thin smile in response to her teasing. “I think I can manage. Ah, Buffy,” he said, stopping her before she could leave. “There is one other thing. When I spoke to Willow earlier, she mentioned that you were visiting Spike… at Xander’s. Is there something I should know about?”

“Oh, the Initiative guys found his crypt, so it wasn’t safe anymore, and he needed a place to crash.”

“And Xander doesn’t mind?”

“He’s cool with it,” Buffy assured him. “Is there a problem or something?”

“No, of course not. It’s just that Willow made it seem… well, she sounded a bit odd on the phone. Like there was something she wasn’t telling me.”

“Well, you know Willow. She acts guilty even when she hasn’t done anything. Probably just a little weirded out by Spike, is all.”

“And everything’s all right with you?” he pressed, straightening his glasses as he studied her.

“A-okay.” It was still something of a lie, but she was relieved to find that the smiles were getting easier and easier to fake. She wasn’t sure if that meant she was really getting better, or just getting better at faking.

“All right, then,” he conceded. “Go on. I’ll see you back here in a bit.”

*****

“New demon, huh?” Willow said, once Buffy had filled her in. “Gosh, it’s been a while. I was almost starting to miss the research.”

“You sound like Giles,” Buffy replied, flopping down on her bed, sprawled on her back. “Only without the ‘almost.’”

“I can call Xander and Anya. Should I tell them to bring Spike?”

Before she could respond, there was a sharp knock on the door. “Come in,” they chorused together. Buffy scrambled to a sitting position when the door swung open, revealing Riley hovering in the doorway.

“Hey, Buffy,” he said. “Graham said you stopped by the house the other day.”

The two roommates exchanged a silent look, and Willow quickly snatched a book off her desk. “I’ll be in the lounge if anyone needs me,” she announced, making a quick exit.

“Hey,” Buffy replied, as soon as the door had closed behind Willow, and she and Riley were alone. “Yeah, I was looking for you, until I got the whole ‘don’t mess with the Initiative’ warning.”

“That’s just Graham. He takes his job pretty seriously.” He paused, leaning back against the door, arms folded casually across his chest. “We all do.”

“Which is why you’re here to tell me to give up Spike,” she guessed.

“No,” he replied, somewhat annoyed, his arms falling to his sides as he pushed away from the door and strode toward the bed. “Buffy, I came here to talk about us. If you haven’t noticed, this relationship is kind of falling apart.”

“I’m sorry, Riley. I’m doing the best that I can,” she told him, getting to her feet. Riley’s stature was intimidating enough without the added height difference of her sitting down. “It’s not exactly easy for me.”

“You think I don’t know that? I’m trying my best to be supportive here, but you keep pushing me away.” He shook his head and sighed. “You’re different, Buffy. You’re not the girl I started dating. You’re closed off, and you don’t trust anyone anymore – you don’t trust me. I just don’t know what to do.”

“I’m sorry, okay?” Buffy retorted. “But yeah, things have changed. I don’t want to be ‘different’ any more than you want me to. I’m trying, but some things I just can’t help.”

“You can’t help accusing me of drugging you? You can’t help attacking me on the quad?” Riley responded incredulously. “Come on, Buffy. I think I’m making my fair share of concessions here. You’re not ready to have sex? Fine, I won’t push it. You don’t even want to be in my house? I can deal with that. You hate my friends? I’m not too happy with them, either. But this… it’s like you’re a total stranger. You keep holding me at arm’s length.”

“I don’t mean to. It’s just… you’re too close. There’s too much of your life that reminds me of what happened, and I can’t live like that, constantly being bombarded with memories and feelings…” She trailed off, on the verge of tears just thinking about it.

“I’m too close, huh?” he said in a resigned tone. “Well, then maybe you and I just shouldn’t be… close.”

Buffy swallowed hard, searching his face. “You mean…?”

“I mean maybe we should stop seeing each other.”

“Is – is that what you want?”

“That doesn’t really matter, does it? I’m obviously making this harder for you, so it’s probably just better if we go our separate ways. I’m sorry.”

“Riley, wait.” She grabbed his arm as he turned to go. “I didn’t want it to end like this.”

“We don’t always get what we want,” he said with a sigh, shaking off her grasp. At the door, he paused, turning around to say, “Goodbye, Buffy,” before shutting it behind him.

Buffy sank back down on her bed, slightly stunned as the tears that had welled up began to spill down her cheeks.

Within moments, Willow, who had obviously been watching for Riley’s departure, came back into the room, and she needed no explanation to understand what had happened. Silently, she sat down on the bed next to Buffy and wrapped her arms around her.