The next day, he followed Giles to the shop at about midday, a night of restlessness leaving him tired and sluggish. He was still reeling from the news that Buffy – his whole reason for coming back – was dead. He knew accepting it was not going to be an instantaneous process either. He just couldn’t seem to reconcile himself to the fact that she was gone.

It was easier to remember when he saw Giles first thing in the morning though: the Brit, although impeccably dressed already, was not the same man he had been before. It was obvious that he carried a great burden and Riley wondered if he too had spent restless nights struggling with his Slayer’s death. The Watcher hid it well though behind all that British reserve, serving Riley breakfast and happily telling him about the shop’s increasing profits.

On the way to the shop, he happily pointed out a few new shops and made conversation – but it was empty, even Riley could see that. It was his way of coping, of trying to keep living day after day. After all, Buffy had been like a daughter to him as well as being his Slayer – he must have felt like a failure in both ways.



They reached the shop and Riley followed Giles in, not surprised to see the whole gang gathered there, quieter than he had ever remembered them. What did surprise him though was the presence of Spike. The vampire sat on the stairs to the balcony, Dawn leaning on the railing beside him and apparently giving him a scolding. He looked tired, Riley realised idly, and he couldn’t miss the vampire’s bloodshot eyes.

When he raised them to Dawn though, something softened and the vampire gave the teenager a weary smile. She was not easily pacified though and she crossed her arms over her chest in a move so reminiscent of her sister that it sent a pang through him. He moved into the shop, greeting the others quietly, but his attention was on Spike and Dawn. Spike ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh before raising his head to meet the teenager’s gaze, his expression one of contrition.

She softened then too and with a tiny smile, she moved to the table, settling on it and opening up a book in front of her. The vampire watched her for a moment and then raised his eyes, meeting Riley’s as his expression hardened ever so slightly.



Riley held the vampire’s gaze for a long moment and then turned back to Giles, listening intently as he listed their latest successes on patrol. Giles then turned to Spike, surprising Riley with his next question.

“Did you get a chance to patrol last night, Spike?”

“No,” Spike answered quietly, “I was… busy.”

He glanced at Riley and then turned his attention back to the Watcher.

“I’ll have a swing through town tonight, see what’s about.”

“Thank you,” Giles answered sincerely, “It’s much appreciated.”

Spike shrugged uncomfortably, his hands stuffed in his pockets.

“Anyway, I should get going,” he got out, “I only came for supplies.”

He held up a small bag of what looked like some sort of weed in explanation.

“I hope you’ve paid for that!” Anya chirped up and the vampire rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I paid for it.”

He shook his head briefly and then raised his eyes once more.

“Anyway…”

He gave a brief nod of goodbye and turned on his heel, heading for the door to the basement. As he passed Dawn, he gave her a pat on the head and she turned to watch him go, big eyes watching him sadly.



And just like that, everyone went back to what they were doing. As if Spike hanging out with them and being civil was perfectly normal. Which, for him, was the strangest thing he had seen yet.

“Spike patrols?” he burst out, frowning in disbelief.

Willow looked up from her laptop and smiled slightly.

“He’s the strongest one out of us.”

“He also volunteered,” Giles added, “After…”

The Watcher could not finish his sentence and he cleared his throat and took his glasses off to polish them.

“And it keeps him busy,” Dawn added in a low voice, her eyes fixed on the book in front of her.

He regarded the girl for a long moment, until Willow’s voice drew his attention away.

“It would be a lot more useful if he’d stop trying to break the Bot though,” she sighed, “I don’t know how many more times I can patch her up.”

“He was really angry,” Riley added almost absentmindedly, thinking back to the night before.

“Yeah, that happens a lot.”

Riley paused for a moment, considering, and then spoke up.

“I thought he’d like it. I mean, she seems to like him,” he finished with a frown.

He quickly noted the coughs and uncomfortable shifting and frowned in confusion, looking around at Buffy’s friends.

“Am I missing something?”

“Man, you’ve been gone a long time,” Xander said cheerfully, coming up to him and draping an arm around his shoulders.



“Spike made a Buffy sex toy?!”

He couldn’t believe his ears, did not even want to think of the implications of what Xander had told him. Xander just shrugged and leant back in his chair.

“Not his greatest plan, it has to be said.”

“And you still let him come here… hang out with you?”

Xander shrugged again and smiled crookedly.

“I guess he sort of earned his place here, you know? I mean, Buffy thought so, before…”

Xander trailed off, a forlorn look crossing his face for a brief second before he forced it away, replacing it with his usual jovial smile.

“How could Buffy let him anywhere near her, after that?!” Riley asked, still bewildered by this newest shock.

“Well, it was a rough time, you know,” Xander explained, “And Spike… well, he came through.”

“You’ve got to have doubts about him?” Riley asked, lowering his voice, “I mean, seriously.”

Xander shrugged again and that forlorn look settled in his eyes once more.

“You weren’t there.”



He had never felt like he didn’t belong in this group until that precise moment. He had not been there to see Buffy jump and it made all the difference in the world. They had shared something awful that day – even Spike - and he could see how they were all clinging to each other, to the semblance of normalcy. He could never be part of this either.

He hadn’t even started to recognise the ache in his chest as grief yet, it was all too new to comprehend – whereas for them, it was an old ache, one they had borne out together for months now. He was an outsider and it was something he had never expected to experience here, with Buffy’s friends. He had always been so tight with them – but they had grown beyond him in their suffering.

They had struggled on in the days after Buffy’s death, they were still struggling now, trying to live their lives as if nothing had changed. And he felt for them. He wished he could have been there now, could have seen her one last time. He looked around the group and let out a sigh, a recognition that he was not a part of it. Not anymore.