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Thanks to the kind person who nominated WWHH? at the Spark and Burn award and Spuffy Awards! This is the best!
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Check out all the new, cool stuff by nmcil, who did this awesome banner. http://www.whedonworld.com/
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In the previous episode of Buffybot Runs Amuck, Dawn nearly got kidnapped, but Spikebot saved the day and made some alterations to his Friends Folder. *** Buffy did some deep thinking. She had to take a Tylenol afterwards. ***
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DISCLAIMER: Joss owns the Buffyverse, but he said I could borrow Spikebot anytime I want. I really wanted Spike, but Scarlet Ibis has him by the ear.
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Chapter 12 – Robot Interrupted



Buffy pulled Spike closer as they wheeled around the floor at the Bronze. The band played a slow, sexy song, which provided a very good excuse for her to place her hands on Spike’s butt and rub against him in a provocative way.

When Spike arrived at the Bronze that evening, pretending to be the Spikebot, Buffy maneuvered him to the bar where she could check out his reflection, or lack of same. Once she knew who she had on her hands – or who she had her hands on, she asked Spike to dance and had been tormenting him ever since, touching him, rubbing against him, whispering and cooing in his ear and generally revving his motor. Revenge was going to be sweet, sweet, sweet.

The only ointment flyage was Xander, who was dancing with Anya two feet away and keeping his eyes on her - Buffy her – every moment.

“Spikebot, you’re an excellent dancer,” Buffy said. She batted her eyes. “Is that part of your programming?”

Spike touched his lips to her smooth, tanned neck and slid his fangs delicately along a vein. He lapped up the tiny streak of blood. “I was made to dance with you, sweetheart.”

Buffy giggled. “That tickles.”

He jerked her closer. “You are too far away, Slayer! You must dance very close so I can rub against you!”

Xander shoved his way between them. “Goat. Xander is having a large, stinky goat.” He took Buffy’s arm and drew her away. “What are you doing, Buffster? Are you so desperate for male companionship you have to dance with Robo Vampire?”

Buffy shook off his hand. “What’s the Big? Spikebot and I are just dancing.”

“You’re dancing with a machine. I never thought I’d say this, but even Spike is preferable to this stupid robot.”

Spike smirked. “Don’t you have somewhere to be, Harris? Outer Mongolia? Selling pies or something?”

“Hey, the robot isn’t stupid. He’s cute.” Buffy wiggled her little finger at Spike.

“No. No. No. No. No,” Xander said. “No wiggling of pinkie fingers.”

“Xander, lighten up. It’s not like I’m …” Buffy blushed, because it was worse than sleeping with a robot. “I mean, sometimes, I forget, he’s so natural. Spike-like without being annoying or irritating or a big pain in my ass.” She gave Spike a big, toothy smile. He wasn’t making with the big Smirk Face now.

Anya stopped dancing and tapped Xander on the shoulder. “Harris, did you forget about me? We were dancing.”

“Sorry, An. I had to stop Buffy from making a big fool out of herself with this sack of widgets.”

“He’s very lifelike,” Anya said. “Who cares if Buffy sleeps with her robot? It’s no worse than when Spike fornicated with the Buffybot.”

Buffy frowned. “It’s nothing like when Spike had sex with the Buffybot.”

“Right, Harris,” Spike said. “Piss off.” He pulled Buffy back into his arms and danced her away.




A black Lincoln Crown Victoria idled in the alley behind the Bronze. Warren and the Spikebot stood near the bar’s open back door while Warren gave Spikebot his instructions. He pointed to a bartender inside the Bronze who was serving Willow and Tara drinks. “See that guy? He has money for you. Go inside, make your bumpy face and tell him to give you all his money. You can throw in a couple of growls if you want.”

Spikebot growled and rumpled up his face. “Grrrrrr!”

“Excellent,” Warren said. “I’ll wait here and keep the car running. Jonathan and Andrew will go in with you and back you up.”

“I’m not going anywhere wearing this stupid Hello Kitty mask. I look retarded,” Andrew whined. “Besides, my manly part still hurts.”

“You shouldn’t have stuck your manly part near Jonathan’s Wishing Stick. Get in there.”

“Come on, Spikebot,” Jonathan said. “I’ll show you which bartender has the money.” He pulled a Little Mermaid mask over his face and got out of the car.



“Enough dancing for me,” Buffy said. She guided Spike under the stairs where Xander couldn’t watch her and backed him against the wall. “Spikebot, you’re so big and handsome and you make me so hot all over, I just can’t keep my hands off you.” She kissed him and slipped her hand down to his groin. Once she had him good and excited, she pulled out of his arms and fanned her face. “Whew! I need a drink.”

“Let’s go upstairs, love. You got me hot.”

Buffy guided Spike to the gang’s table and wiggled her rump when he slid his hand across her butt. “You sit here, Spikebot, and don’t run off.” She checked to see that Xander was still occupied with Anya on the dance floor and French kissed Spike until he was panting before heading for the bar, feeling very pleased with herself.



Buffybot cut in front of the line at the front door of the Bronze and tapped the bouncer on the shoulder. The badge on his shirt said My Name is Ted. “My Name is Ted, I am here to see Spike. Have you seen him?” It was very convenient when people wore badges with their names on them. She dropped My Name is Ted’s name in her Friends Folder.

“Who the hell is Spike?” Ted asked.

Buffybot processed this question. “Spike is a vampire, with excellent abs and manly parts. He looks very good naked.”

Ted sighed. “Why don’t you go inside and look for him at the bar. I’m sure you’ll find him.”

She deleted My Name is Ted from her Friends Folder. He wasn’t very friendly.

Buffybot went into the Bronze and cruised by the bar area. She did not see Spike. She did see many people dancing in another part of the Bronze. “Spike likes to dance. I will look for him there.” She walked toward the dance floor, but spotted Spike sitting at one of the tables with his feet up.

“Spike! Here I am! It’s time for our date! Where are the others?”

Spike jumped up. “Bollocks! What are you doing here? You have to get out of here before Buffy, the Other Buffy, sees you.”

Buffybot pouted. “You said ‘Will you go on a date with me?’ And I said, ‘Oh, yes! I’ll show you about good laying’ and you said ‘What is a date?’ And I said ‘A date is when everyone in your Friends Folder goes to the Bronze together in the evening.’ So here I am and here you are.”

Spike grabbed her arm. “I don’t know what the bleeding hell you’re on about. Go out the back door. I’ll catch up with you later.”

“But, I have just arrived and I think a date is supposed to last more than 10.08 seconds,” Buffybot said. Her lower lip quivered. “And, I think there is supposed to be kissing, and possibly groping.” Her eyes leaked again and the Composition Resistance Component of her 1/4-Watt Miniature Linear Potentiometer (±20%) malfunctioned.

Spike petted her hair and stroked it into place. “Don’t cry, luv. I’ll make it up to you. Just go over by the bar for a minute and I’ll think of something.”

“Okay,” she said. Spike’s reassurance didn’t make her feel much better, but she shuffled in the direction of the bar.



Buffy was standing at the bar when Spikebot entered the Bronze. She was every bit as pretty as he remembered.

“Hey? Can I get a coke?” She waved a couple of dollar bills at the bartender who Spikebot was supposed to ask for money.

“Be right with you, lady,” the bartender said.
Spikebot walked up to Buffy.

“I thought I told you to wait at the table,” Buffy said. She handed her money to the bartender.

Spikebot whispered in Buffy’s ear, the way he learned while watching All My Children at Warren’s bachelor pad and lair earlier that day. “I am here for our date. Will you show me how to be a good lay now?” He stuck his tongue in her ear.

Before Buffy could react, a man walked up to the bar with a woman. Spikebot identified Xander and Anya. They were Buffy’s friends.

“You’re a pig, Spike,” Xander said. “Give it up. Buffy is never going to show you how to be a good lay.”

Spikebot looked disappointed and rubbed his chest. This was an unpleasant development. He had been looking forward to learning how to be a good lay all afternoon. “I think there is a malfunction in my 1/4-Watt Miniature Linear Potentiometer (±20%).”

BZZZZZZZ. BZZZZZZZ. BZZZZZZZ.

A buzz went off in Spikebot’s head. “I must ask the bartender to give me money.” He turned to the bartender who was handing Buffy her coke. His face crumpled and he growled really loud as instructed by Warren. “GRRRRR!! ARRRGGGHHH!! Give me money!”

Buffy sipped her coke and speared the radioactive red cherry with her straw. “What are you doing?”

Spikebot shook off his vampire face. “I am getting money from the bartender as instructed.” Buffy’s eyes were very green and her mouth made a big O when she popped the cherry in her mouth. He liked watching her mouth and the way she licked her lips with the tip of her small, pink tongue.

Buffy pulled him aside. “I appreciate the thought and it was really nice of you to get the Little Dubbie snack cakes and stuff for Dawn and me, but you can’t go around robbing the Bronze, or your cousin, Wedgy, either. We’ll get by. Besides, robbing is bad.”

Robbing is bad? He was learning something new every moment from Buffy. Spikebot sorted through his database of activities. When he couldn’t find an entry for robbing, he reviewed the contents of his own personality script. “I am the Big Bad,” he said. “I am Evil,” he added for good measure.

Buffy rolled her eyes and waved the bartender away. “I know, Big Bad, Evil, Vampire, but you can’t go around robbing people. The gang is giving me attitude.”

“What should I do?” Spikebot asked.

“You’ll figure it out,” she said. Buffy headed for the Ladies’ Room, swishing her butt so Spike would have something to think about while she was gone.



Buffybot was halfway to the bar when she remembered she had several uncompleted items on her To Do List. “I should do my list items at this time, since my date has gone kablooey,” she said with a snuffle. “I should do my duty and make Spike happy. Guy-iles said I should.” She turned around and went back to Spike, who was tapping his foot on the table in time to the music and twisting his head around to see where Buffy had gotten off to.

Buffybot straddled Spike’s legs and sat down on his lap. “I am here to do my duty.” She leaned forward and gave Spike an enthusiastic kiss.

Spike dropped his beer bottle, leaped up and spilled Buffybot on the floor. “Bloody hell, Bot! You have to get out of here before --”

Xander sat down at the table and grabbed a handful of mini-pretzels. “Before Really Real Buffy finds out Dead Man Lounging here charged you up again and kicks Spike’s ass. Really hard.”

“Bugger off, Harris. I don’t need your help.” Spike grabbed Buffybot by the hand and hauled her toward the back door.

“Are we going to your crypt to play Naughty Nurse?”

“Hells Bells!”



“Xander, buy me another one of those festive Zombie drinks with the pineapple chunks and the tiny paper umbrellas. They are very tasty and excellent for quenching post-dance thirstiness.”

Xander picked up Anya’s empty glass and headed to the bar. “They are tasty and excellent for making the girlfriend festive, as well.” He pulled out his wallet while he walked and ran into Spikebot who was standing alone at the bar, wearing his vampire face in case the bartender should change his mind about giving him money.

“I thought you left, Bleach Head,” Xander said. He waved his fingers at the bartender.

“I am here for a date with Buffy,” Spikebot said, “and becoming a good lay.”

“If I hear that out of you one more time, I’m going to crack your skull open.”

“That might be difficult. My skull is made of a Titanium-Molybdenum Alloy designed to withstand extreme temperatures and high pressure.”

Before Xander could make a smart remark about the hardness of Spike’s head, a person wearing a Sponge Bob Square Pants mask aimed a red plastic ray gun at Xander. “Back away from Spike and I won’t have to shoot you,” Sponge Bob said. Two others, wearing Little Mermaid and Hello Kitty masks stepped up and pointed their own ray guns.

Xander started laughing, spilled some of Anya’s Zombie and staggered back to the table. “Anya, you won’t believe it. Sponge Bob, Little Mermaid and Hello Kitty are protecting the Big Bad.”



“Hssst! Spikebot,” Sponge Bob said. “What are you doing? You’re supposed to be robbing the bar.”

Spikebot was confused. He knew he was confused. Nothing was going according to Warren’s instructions. He came into the Bronze place and Little Mermaid pointed him to the bartender. He made the GRRRRR!! ARRRGGGHHH!!, but the bartender only laughed. Then, Buffy told him robbing was bad and Wedgy was his cousin, but he didn’t think he could have a cousin since Warren hadn’t made one for him yet. Now, Sponge Bob Square Pants was talking to him.

“Buffy said robbing the bar is Bad. And, Evil. Do I know you? I don’t see anyone in my Friends Folder who looks like you.”

Warren flipped his mask up. “Look, Spikebot. It’s me, Warren. Don’t pay any attention to what the Slayer says. I’ve got you covered. Go ahead and get the money from the bartender.”