A/N Betad by seapealsh and dawnofme


Banner by dawnofme

Chapter Six

Losing Himself

Spike awoke to the sound of voices chattering away. He groaned and clutched his head.

Great. Another headache.

Reaching out, he put on his glasses and looked around. Everyone was sitting at the dining table; everyone, that is, except for Giles. Spike got up and went over to join them, gratefully taking the cup of coffee Willow offered before sitting down.

“So where’s Giles?” he asked. “I hope he’s…” His voice faltered as Giles walked into the room. He’d found a t-shirt that Spike had left behind when he’d stayed there, and so was dressed in the usual, for Spike, black. Shaving without a reflection had proven a bit tricky so he had a couple of bits of tissue stuck to his face where he’d nicked himself.

Spike stood up and went closer, staring at Giles.

“Oh my God!” said Buffy, suddenly realising. “Apart from last night you haven’t seen yourself since you were turned!”

Spike just stood there speechless, which doesn’t happen very often where Spike’s concerned.

“What’s it like? Is it weird?” asked Willow.

That seemed to break Spike's trance. He turned to stare at her.

“What? Looking at myself? Is that weirder than what? Say waking up in someone else’s body? Are you mad? It’s not as weird as that! Just forgotten how good looking I am. Dru always said the bleached hair was cool and she wasn’t wrong.”

He then marched up to Giles and punched him in the face.

“Ow! Good grief, Spike! What was that for?” cried Giles, reeling from the blow.

“For getting my body captured and shot, you git,” shouted Spike. “And you’ve lost my coat. Bloody fond of that coat, I am.”

“Ahem,” said Buffy.

Spike turned around. She was holding up his leather duster.

“Saw it as I was getting out and figured you’d want it back,” she said with a smile.

“Aw, pet! That’s great,” he said. “And don’t you bloody wear it again!” he added, jabbing a finger at Giles.

“Look. Interesting as all that is,” said Giles. “Can we please focus on how to get switched back?”

“Yeah he’s right. I want out of this thing before it has a heart attack and finishes me off with it,” said Spike.

“I told you last night that there’s nothing wrong with that body,” snapped Giles.

“Yeah, well, all I’m saying is, I didn’t get the best of the bargain,” said Spike.

“What do you mean? I’m a bloody vampire!” retorted Giles.

“Guys!” yelled Xander. “That’s not helping, and be very worried that it’s me pointing that out to you.

“Xander’s right," said Buffy. "We’ve got to get this figured out. Giles, you’re to stay in at all times. We can’t afford The Initiative to have another pop at you."

“You’re not wrong there, Slayer”, said Spike.

Buffy ignored him - it was just easier that way.

“So what do we know?” asked Giles. “What sort of demon was it?”

“It was a Morowgwi demon and Buffy didn’t kill it because only decapitation works. It travels between its home dimension and ours, so we’ve got to summon it back as only it can undo what was done. Not even another Morowgwi can," explained Willow.

“So how do we do that?” asked Giles.

“That’s the part we’re struggling with a bit,” said Willow. “Buffy got some of the dust which contains its essence and we have to somehow make it into a catalyst that will pull it back over here. Now that you’re back we have a better chance of working it out. We’ve only got a tiny amount of dust so we’ll only have one shot at it.”

“Stop staring!” said Giles sharply, startling everyone.

“Uh? Um…sorry,” said Spike, “but it has been over a century and all.” He was unable to help gazing in fascination.

*~*~*~*

All day they worked at the research, thinking they’d found a solution then realising they hadn’t. They were all a bit despondent. Buffy was worried about how both men were coping but more so Spike. She’d seen him several times take off his glasses and wipe then in a such a totally Giles-like gesture that it surely couldn’t be a good sign.

Giles was pouring over the books, leaving the computer to Willow. Buffy gave a little chuckle. Everyone looked at her.

“Sorry,” she said, looking anything but. “It’s just seeing Giles there in Spike’s body scouring the books. It’s just not very Spike-like.” She giggled.

“I can bloody read, you know!” snapped Spike. “That’s it! I can’t stand it a minute longer. I’m off out.”

“Wait,” said Giles. “Where do you think you’re going to?”

“I need a bleeding drink,” said Spike. “I’m going out and if I’m really lucky I might just be able to get your body laid, though it’ll be difficult. Who’d look at this? Don’t sweat it, I’ll be back, it’s just…”

He pulled his glasses off and started to clean them, then realised what he was doing.

“Shit! I just need to be me for a bit!” With that he stormed out of the door.

“Spike, wait.” Buffy went to go after him.

Giles stopped her. “Let him go. Xander, follow him. Don’t let him see you, just keep an eye on him.”

Xander got up quickly and went outside in time to see Spike disappear around a corner. He jogged to the corner to be sure to keep him in sight. At least since Spike didn’t have his vampire senses he wouldn’t know he was being followed.

Spike strode angrily along the street. He felt that he was somehow losing his sense of himself. He daren't voice his fears to the others. Giles didn’t seem to be having any trouble being ‘Giles’.

Probably just imagining it. Just spooked at seeing myself from the outside, I reckon.

He arrived at his destination and went to order a drink.

“A latte, please, and a blueberry muffin,” he said. What? He looked around him. The coffee shop! I’m in the sodding coffee shop! Not what I meant when I thought I wanted a drink.

The girl behind the counter had to tell him the price twice before he heard her. He dug in his pocket, paid her, took his purchases and sat at a table. His hand was shaking so badly as he tried to lift the cup to his lips that some of the hot coffee splashed on his hand. He put it down with a clatter.

“Oh God,” he said under his breath.

Xander peered at Spike from his vantage point at the corner.

“Oh God,” he said under his breath. He turned and ran back to Giles’ apartment as fast as he could.

*~*~*~*

The door was flung violently open, startling the others. Willow gave out a little squeak and dropped the book she’d been holding.

“Good Lord, Xander,” said Giles. “What on earth is wrong? Where’s Spike?”

“I think we’ve got to get this figured out as soon as we can, guys,” gasped Xander.

“Why? What’s happened?” asked Buffy.

“It’s Spike. I think he’s in trouble.”

“And you just left him? Where is he? Don’t tell me he got into a fight at Willy’s Bar?” said Buffy.

“No, this is worse,” said Xander. “He went to the coffee shop for a latte and a muffin.”

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with that,” said Giles.

“Exactly,” Xander replied. “Nothing wrong if you’re Giles but if you’re Spike…? When I left him, his hand was shaking so much he couldn’t hold his cup. I think he was as surprised as I was at where he’d gone to.”

The others silently digested this fact.

“What about you, Giles? How do you feel?” asked Willow. “Please don’t tell me you’re getting Spike’s bloodlust?”

“Apart from when I have to take the blood I have no feeling of being anything other than me. I did go into vampire mode a couple of times at The Initiative but that was when that horrid Walsh woman was cutting the bullet out, and then again when the blood was offered. But other than that I feel like me.”

“So what’s going on with Spike?” asked Buffy.

“I don’t know,” pondered Giles. “Perhaps it’s because he’s a vampire?”

*~*~*~*

“Sir?” said the voice. “Sir, we’re closing.”

“Huh?”

Spike looked up. All the other tables had chairs placed on them. He glanced down at his table and saw that the coffee was cold and congealed and the muffin was untouched.

“Are you all right?” asked the waitress.

“Um, yes, yes I’m…fine” stuttered Spike. He got up clumsily and knocked the table, spilling the coffee. “Oh, sorry,” he added and walked dazedly out of the shop.

Good Lord, how long was I sitting there? He shook his head violently from side to side. Sodding hell! That’s better. For a moment there I even sounded like Giles in me head. What’s bleeding going on?

Feeling a bit sick at the thought he headed off back to the apartment.

*~*~*~*

They all looked up at him as he walked in.

“What? Don’t worry, I didn’t get pissed. I just had a couple at the Bronze until I got embarrassed about being a bit over the average age in there,” said Spike glibly, unaware that they knew where he’d been.

“You’re about a hundred years and change too old usually, Spike.” Xander pointed out.

“Yeah, well, least I usually look hot,” sneered Spike. This is better. This is me - just keep this up. “So, any more idea of what to do to switch us back?” he added with a faint tremor in his voice that he hoped no one noticed.

They all had.

“We’ve certainly made progress, Spike. Sit down. Do you want a drink?” said Giles.

“Okay, I’ll have a cup of tea, please,” said Spike, sitting at the table.

They all looked at each other. Tea was a favourite of Giles’. With Spike it was all very simple - blood, Jack Daniels, coffee or hot chocolate, and not necessarily in that order. Although he was English, tea just wasn’t his tipple.

They all noticed the fleeting look of panic pass over Spike’s face as he asked for it. His hand went to his spectacles then dropped back down to the table and started fidgeting with a book.

“So, what have you found out?” he asked.

“We’ve sorted out the spell to conjure the demon back into this dimension, but it can’t be done for another two days,” said Giles.

“Two days!” exclaimed Spike. “Why two days?”

“It’s just the way the stars are aligned,” explained Giles. “The boundary between the dimensions will be at its weakest. We can’t afford to get it wrong - we’ve only got one shot at it.”

“Oh, okay,” said Spike weakly.

Xander put Spike’s cup of tea down in front of him. He looked at it in distaste.

“Sorry, mate, changed my mind. I think I need something bit stronger,” he said, getting up and helping himself to a very large brandy. He downed it in one and swiftly followed it with another.

“Take it easy, Spike,” cautioned Buffy. “Remember - no vampire constitution.”

“As if I could forget that,” said Spike and he swallowed another shot. He swayed slightly as the alcohol started to get into his system. That’s better. Can’t feel like Giles if I’m pissed - the git barely drinks.

Spike picked up the bottle and glass with one hand and stalked out of the apartment, scooping up his duster as he went to find the only privacy he could - the little courtyard in front of Giles’ apartment.

He sat there for a while, drinking and holding his beloved jacket close to him before he heard the door open. He didn’t look up, just gloomily took another mouthful of liquor.

“Spike?” Willow’s voice was tentative. “Are you okay?”

Spike just gave a small shrug of his shoulders.

“If you don’t tell us what’s wrong we won’t be able to help you,” she insisted, wanting him to tell her himself, rather than her voice the others' concerns about what was happening.

He took off his glasses, looked at them for a minute then hurled them across the yard.

“All right then, but if you laugh at me…” he warned.

“I won’t. I promise.”

“Well…I feel like…um…that…God, this is stupid! I feel like I’m turning into bleeding Giles, that’s what I feel like.” His voice rose to a shout, then he slumped his shoulders and added in a small voice. “I don’t feel like me anymore. I’ve even started to sound like him when I think something. Before I sounded like me. I’m …I’m scared, Willow.”

Willow was shocked to see the glint of tears in his eyes and looked away so he wouldn’t be embarrassed. Poor Spike. “Look, come on inside. We’ve got to tell the others. I’m sure we can do something about it.”

“What if by the time we do the switch I’m not here anymore?” he replied quietly.

Taking his hand, Willow led him back inside. He gave her hand a little squeeze but let go of it before the others saw. He still did have a bit of a reputation to consider.

“Were we right in what we thought?” asked Giles.

“Oh, so you’ve all been talking about me,” Spike snapped. “That’s real nice.”

“We’re trying to help here!” said Buffy sharply. “So what exactly is going on with you?”

Spike looked at them all staring at him and hesitated.

“Um,” he said. Willow gave him a nudge, “Okay then, here goes. I’m starting to feel less like me and more like Giles, which, trust me, I’m not enjoying. No offence, mate,” he added as Giles glared at him. “When it first happened, I was just more or less me but in Giles’ body. Now I don’t know how to describe it. It feels like I’m fading away. Giles, when you think something, not say it aloud, what do you hear - your voice or mine?”

“My own,” said Giles.

“All the time?”

“Yes.”

“Well, see, it was like that for me. But today, well, first I ended up ordering a bloody coffee and muffin when all I really wanted was to get pissed, and then I realised that some of my thoughts had changed into Giles’ voice, which freaked me out a bit.”

“Yes, I can see that would,” said Giles. “By the way, where are my glasses?”

“Oh, um, I threw them away.”

“You what?”

“Well, I was bit stressed and started to bloody clean them again like you do and I chucked them away,” said Spike.

Giles sighed. “There’s a spare pair in the drawer near the book case.”

“So what’s going on then?” asked Spike.

“We’re not sure yet, but now we know the symptoms we should be able to work it out. In the meantime try to focus on yourself. Think of things that are really ‘you’ and focus on those,” said Giles.

“What, like being a pain in the ass, evil undead bloodsucker?” suggested Xander helpfully.

“Hey!” protested Spike. “I’m not a pain in the ass – it’s arse!”

“Exactly” agreed Giles with a smile.

Spike looked down at the leather duster he was still holding.

“This is like a part of me,” he said.

“That’s the sort of thing I mean. Keep it with you and think of the past so you’re focussing away from what’s happening right now,” advised Giles.

Spike nodded and slumped on the couch holding his coat tightly.

“We’ll work this out, Spike,” reassured Willow.

To be continued...