Disclaimer: All the characters and borrowed dialog bits are Joss Whedon's, not mine.

Thank you so much to all the reviewers who inspire me to keep going! 


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Chapter 13
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Willow turned off her laptop after the third time she read the same sentence and it made no sense. What the hell is going on with all of us? Her brain sorted all the various facts and observations of the past few days and got nowhere. Buffy was in Spike’s body, check. Buffy seemed to like being in Spike’s body. Ok, I can sort of see wanting a break from responsibility for a day or two, but why not just spend the day at home on couch? Buffy had seemed to imply that she was or had been suicidal, which was highly scary. But at the same time, Buffy had said that Spike was the reason she hadn’t acted on any self destructive impulses, not the Scoobies or even her own sister. Deep down, if she was really honest with herself, Willow was still upset that Buffy wasn’t more grateful to be alive. I gave her another chance at life! I gave her a chance to see Dawn grow up and all that! I know she misses Heaven, but why does she hate this life so much? Is it really that bad here?
 
Then there was the whole situation with Tara. Willow ached for her. Alone at night the bed seemed too large, too cold without Tara’s warm body there holding her, kissing her, making love to her. She had thought she loved Oz, in fact she was sure she had, but her feelings for Tara were ten times more intense. Tara would never know how much Willow struggled, every day, to keep from using magic to somehow heal their rift. A love spell, some charm to make Tara want to return – it would be so easy to do. But Willow reluctantly admitted that she would lose Tara permanently if she ever tried something like that. The hurt in Tara’s eyes when the memory spell had broken, that moment when Willow saw that Tara knew what she had done, was seared permanently in Willow’s mind. Every time she saw Tara the ghost of that deeply sad look remained, barely hidden behind Tara’s kind eyes and beautiful face.
 
So what do we do now, Ms. Rosenberg? she asked herself. She was pondering going up to check on Buffy when Dawn came home. “Hey, Willow,” Dawn said, tossing her backpack on the counter. “Where is everyone?”
 
“Tara and Spike went to the hospital to try to learn something about the amnesia victims, Xander’s at the Magic Box, and Buffy’s upstairs,” Willow rattled off.
 
“Any new updates on how to get everyone back where they belong?” Dawn asked as she rummaged in the cabinets for an after school snack. “And is anyone ever going to go grocery shopping around here?”
 
“I guess that sort of got forgotten in the shuffle,” Willow admitted. Truthfully, she had been so stressed out over Tara’s absence that she hadn’t even noticed the cupboards were bare. “As for the body swap thing, we think the guys who made the Buffybot might be behind this.”
 
Dawn sat down with a package of Pop Tarts she had found and munched. “Why would they do something like that?”
 
“Beats me,” Willow said with a shrug. “But we saw them on the security camera at the mall, and Buffy and Spike seemed to remember something from the night it happened.”
 
As if on cue, Buffy came into the kitchen at that moment. “Hey, Dawnie. How was school?” she asked, getting herself a mug of blood and ignoring Willow for the time being.
 
“Well, I got a B on my French test, thanks to you and Spike and your homework help,” she said happily.
 
“That’s great!” Buffy said with a smile. She frowned a moment at her sister’s snack. “I don’t suppose there is any chance you’re going to ever eat a healthy snack, is there?”
 
“Well, not unless someone goes shopping around here,” Dawn shot back.
 
“Right. I forgot, given the whole liquid diet thing the last few days,” Buffy said, frowning with distaste at her mug. “Maybe I can send Spike on a grocery run when he gets back.”
 
“I’m going out with Tara tonight, remember?” Dawn said. “So you don’t have to worry about feeding me until tomorrow, if that helps.” Willow sat up a bit at Tara’s name, but the sisters ignored her and went on with their conversation.
 
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Buffy said. “Hey, do you think you could throw in a load of towels before you go? I sorta could use some help with the laundry and such around here.”
 
Dawn was surprised. “Um, sure. I guess I haven’t been doing a lot of that lately,” she added sheepishly.
 
“I’ve been a little overwhelmed lately,” Buffy admitted. “It’s just been easier to either do it myself or ignore it. But if you could take care of a few loads a week and help a little more with the dishes and stuff, it would be a big help.”
 
“Alright,” Dawn agreed with a token frown. “But don’t expect me to scrub toilets.”
 
“No, that’s next week,” Buffy teased. Dawn stuck out her tongue at her and went off gamely to take care of the laundry. Buffy turned to rinse out her mug, the awkward silence between her and Willow drawing out painfully. Buffy was proud of herself for standing up to them, but she found it completely draining. She had gone up to her room not only to avoid decking Xander and getting a migraine for her pains, but also because she had to just lie down and regroup.
 
“Buffy, are you okay?” Willow asked finally when the silence became unbearable.
 
“Yeah,” she said shortly, putting away the clean dishes and wiping up the counter. “Arguing just exhausts me, you know?”
 
Guilt twisted in Willow’s gut at Buffy’s words, delivered in Spike’s baritone voice. “Buffy, we aren’t trying to fight with you. We just want to try to help you get back to the way you were.”
 
Buffy sat down across from Willow and looked at her hands. Spike’s hands, she thought. She thought of how those hands had awkwardly patted her back when her mom got sick, how they had punched her and caressed her, how they had gently welcomed her back to life. “Willow, I can’t be the way I was. Not anymore,” she said, still studying the black nail polish and long fingers.
 
“Buffy, I know you’re worried, but believe me, you’re human,” Willow protested. “There was nothing in that spell that could…”
 
“It’s not just that, Wil,” Buffy said, finally looking into her friend’s eyes. “Before I had my mom, and then Giles telling me what to do. Now they’re both gone, and everyone says I have to be an adult. Ok, I guess I get that. But somehow I’m supposed to be an adult who gets no support from anyone. Or I’m only allowed to get support from approved sources.”
 
Willow chewed her lip. “I know I haven’t been helping with the finances,” she said finally. “I really didn’t think about it. Between school and all the… other stuff.”
 
“You mean the magic,” Buffy interrupted.
 
“Yeah,” Willow said in a small voice. “I just didn’t realize how much you were struggling. I promise, I’ll do better. We can sit down and figure out what sort of rent I should be paying and…”
 
“Willow,” Buffy broke in again. “That’s all great, and I really appreciate it. But that’s not the whole thing, and you know it.”
 
Tears started welling in Willow’s eyes. “I know I screwed up, okay? I just don’t know what to do to make it right with you.”
 
In the past, Willow’s tears would be enough to make Buffy cave in and say something to deflect the situation. But the sight of Spike’s strong hands folded on the counter strengthened her somehow. “If you want to make it right, stop hovering over me. Stop expecting me to feel a certain way and then getting all hurt when I don’t. I am never going to be grateful for being pulled out of Heaven. Never.” Willow cringed at Buffy’s blunt statement, but Buffy went on. “I will probably forgive you, in time. But not on your schedule. And if Spike helps me to get over it, if Spike makes me feel anything other than nothing, I’m going to spend as much time as I need to with him.”
 
“But Buffy, really, Spike?” Willow protested. “How can you be sure he’s safe now that he can hurt you?”
 
“Because he doesn’t,” Buffy said. “He doesn’t hurt me. I hit him. He defended himself. But since that time he’s done nothing but help me.”
 
“He’s got no soul,” Willow cried. “He’s not like Angel was, Buffy! He can’t substitute for the lost love of your life.”
 
“You’re right, he’s not like Angel,” Buffy said, getting up and pacing back and forth with unconstrained emotion while she spoke. “He doesn’t leave me for my own good. He doesn’t lose his soul and out of the blue start killing people. He didn’t run away when I died. He doesn’t put me up on some pedestal and then get all disappointed when I don’t live up to his Perfect Slayer ideal. If I wanted Angel, I know how to get to L.A.”
 
Willow’s eyes got even wider. “Do you hear what you’re saying?”
 
“Yes, do you?” Buffy shot back. “Angel isn’t what I need right now. A committee of Watcher wannabees second guessing my every move isn’t what I need right now. I could always use friends. Friends would be great. But if my friends are going to keep questioning every step I take and treating me like a defective child every time I do something they didn’t expect I’m going to lose my mind!” Her voice had risen to a furious shout, and her gums itched as the demon surged within her.
 
Willow noticed the flicker of yellow in the intense blue eyes and pushed her chair back unconsciously. “I’m… I’m sorry,” she said lamely. “I didn’t realize you felt that way.”
 
Buffy leaned against the counter, exhausted again. “Just back off,” she said quietly. “Please. Just let me be.” She stood up and left the kitchen, bumping into Dawn as the teen came up from the basement.
 
“Are you okay up here?” Dawn asked in a worried tone. “I heard yelling.”
 
“It’s okay, Dawnie,” Buffy reassured her. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.” Buffy headed to the living room and turned on the TV. Dawn hesitated for a moment, looking through the kitchen doorway to Willow, chewing her lip with a hurt expression, and to Buffy, who had sprawled Spike’s body across the sofa and was flipping through the channels. Making her choice, she went in and plopped on the couch next to Buffy.
 
The news came on, and both girls watched, wondering if there had been any more strange crimes. Tara and Spike came in while they were watching, bearing bags of groceries. “We’re back,” Spike said. “We stopped to get Tara’s car on the way home,” he added by way of explanation. Buffy and Dawn got up to relieve them of their burdens while Tara and Spike went back for a second load. Willow got up and helped put away the groceries, an uneasy silence pervading the kitchen the whole time. Buffy’s eyes boggled a bit at the size of the pile of bags Spike was bringing in. “Are we expecting company? I mean, like an entire Fortune 500 company or something?” Buffy quipped.
 
Spike shrugged. “Cupboards were bare, Mrs. Hubbard,” he responded. “Don’t want to have to resort to eating the Nibblet. Besides, she wouldn’t be good for more than a couple of meals.”
 
“Hey!” Dawn said. “Watch it, Shorty.”
 
Spike grinned. “Just you wait until I get my body back, Missy. You’ll be eating those words.”
 
“Mmm. Cookies. I’ll eat those instead,” Dawn replied, digging a box of her favorite chocolate chip delights out of one of the bags.
 
“After dinner,” Buffy admonished. Dawn pouted for a moment, then went back to putting away groceries. Buffy was astonished at the cornucopia spilling onto the counter. “How did you pay for all this?”
 
“Told you, I’ve got some money squirreled away,” Spike said. “Besides, I’m driving your body right now, so I get to pick the groceries.” He looked around and then added, “Where’s Harris?”
 
“He went to the Magic Box,” Buffy said. “We had a bit of a… discussion while you were gone.” Buffy stopped there and Spike wisely didn’t press the issue. Dawn looked at Buffy questioningly, but Buffy shook her head slightly, indicating her unwillingness to discuss the subject. Dawn sighed and returned to the grocery pile. After fifteen minutes the cabinets and fridge were full to bursting with food for humans and vampires alike. “Thanks so much for this, Spike,” Buffy said gratefully.
 
“Don’t mention it, pet,” he said. “But if you want to start dinner I won’t object…”
 
Buffy laughed. “Okay, I can take a hint. How about those steaks you brought home?”
 
Spike licked his lips. “You know the way to my heart,” he said. Buffy set about cooking the steaks, while Dawn fixed a salad and Tara and Willow set about clearing away clutter so they could set the dining table.
 
“How did it go?” Willow asked while they worked.
 
“It was weird. The guy’s aura was all wonky. But we’ll give the full story over dinner when everyone is here,” Tara said. After another minute Tara said, “Willow? What… what happened with Xander?”
 
“He and Buffy got in an argument,” Willow said noncommittally. “She went storming upstairs and he went storming off to the Magic Box. Sort of a heavy storm system, I guess,” she joked lamely.
 
“What were they arguing about?” Tara pressed.
 
Willow shrugged. “Xander still has Spike issues. Buffy made it pretty clear that she wants Spike around.”
 
“How about you?” Tara asked quietly, meeting Willow’s eyes. “Did you and Buffy argue as well?”
 
Willow looked into Tara’s eyes and her heart broke. Oh baby, I miss you so much. “I… um…” she fumbled. “I guess. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing’s like it was, and I feel like it’s all my fault, but no one will let me fix it.”
 
Tara took Willow’s hand and sat down, pulling Willow into the chair next to her. She looked into Willow’s eyes and took a deep breath. “I still care about you Willow. I do. But please, please, stop trying to fix things. Some things can’t be fixed. Some can be fixed, but not by you. And some things just take time to fix. You can’t give up magic for a week and expect everything to, well, magically fix itself.”
 
“But what do I do in the meantime?” Willow asked, desperately trying to make sense of it all.
 
“You just…wait,” Tara said. “You wait, and you help where you are needed, but you need to let Buffy handle things her way. I know you got used to being in charge. But that’s not what Buffy or the group needs right now.” Tara stood up then, letting go of Willow’s hands. She went into the kitchen to get some silverware, leaving Willow to cover her face and shudder anew at what she had lost.
 
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By the time they all sat down for dinner, Willow had composed herself, Buffy had relaxed visibly while cooking and trading barbs with Spike, and Spike was nearly drooling with anticipation. “A steak. I haven’t really tasted a steak since Queen Victoria sat on the throne,” he enthused as he took his seat.
 
“I swear, I’m going to have to go on a diet when you get done with my body,” Buffy admonished. “I’m going to gain a hundred pounds!”
 
“Nah, you’ll burn it all off slaying,” Spike assured her. “Now kindly pass the meat before I chew your arm off.”
 
After everyone was served, Tara and Spike filled the others in on their adventure at the hospital. “So this guy’s aura was somehow, what do we call it? Dislodged? Detached?” Willow asked in astonishment.
 
Tara nodded. “I could see it, plain as day, just not surrounding him, like auras usually do. Otherwise, it looked normal enough.”
 
Buffy pondered that while she sipped some blood. “What do our auras look like? Mine and Spike’s?”
 
“I guess I didn’t look too closely before,” Tara admitted. “Stand up and stand next to each other.”
 
Buffy and Spike did as they were told, looking at each other and Tara nervously. “So what’s the verdict?” Spike said after Tara had studied them for a few moments.
 
“Fascinating,” Tara mused. “Sorry, it’s just a little weird that I didn’t notice before. Your auras don’t quite fit. Like you’re wearing clothes that are the wrong size. The colors are all as expected – you both seem calm, in control, all that. But Buffy’s aura sort of ends at Spike’s knees. It’s really odd looking.”
 
“Great. My aura is a fashion nightmare as well,” Buffy quipped.
 
“Well mine must be dragging on the floor, short stuff,” Spike quipped back. Buffy stuck her tongue out at him and they both sat back down to finish their dinner.
 
“Okay, but we still don’t know how they did this or what we do to get it back,” Dawn pointed out.
 
“Let’s think about this,” Spike said in between bites. “They didn’t touch us, and they weren’t all that near to us. We didn’t even see them until after they did whatever it was.”
 
“So it can’t be a spell that requires personal contact,” Tara added, seeing where Spike was going.
 
“And it can’t be something that involves an object belonging to the person,” Willow said. “They probably didn’t know the store clerks.”
 
“Not a talisman probably, because they’d need one for each event, which seems like a lot of work,” Spike added.
 
“What could send a spell or something at a distance?” Buffy asked.
 
Tara thought for a moment. “Maybe a crystal of some kind? It would have to be something rare though.”
 
“That diamond!” Dawn cried suddenly. The others all turned to look at her. “Don’t you remember? That big diamond that got stolen from the museum? They found the guard all frozen and stuff.”
 
“That makes sense,” Willow said, nodding. “Something like that could be used to project the spell. Sort of like a… a mind eraser ray or something.”
 
“They could probably hit the clerks with it before they were even noticed,” Buffy added. “Then go in and tell them whatever they wanted, and their victims wouldn’t remember anything.”
 
“If they did build something like that, they didn’t do this in a day,” Spike said. “That sort of thing would take some doing.”
 
“I definitely say we pay them a visit tonight,” Buffy said. They set themselves to finishing their dinner and clearing the table. Dawn packed a bag for her overnight with Tara and brought it downstairs. “Are you sure we shouldn’t stay and help?” she asked.
 
“You go have your movie and sleepover,” Buffy assured her. “We’ll call you if anything comes up.” She gave her sister a hug and Dawn and Tara said their goodbyes.
 
“Are we ready for our recon then?” Spike asked.
 
“I guess so,” Buffy said. “Maybe we should patrol first though.”
 
“I guess I’ll go to the Magic Box and see what the others are up to,” Willow said, feeling a bit left out.
 
“We’ll walk you over there,” Buffy said. On some level she was sorry to see Willow looking so down, but at the same time she desperately hoped that some of what she had said had penetrated the Witch’s brain. The three of them gathered their things and walked to the store in a tense silence. They entered the store to find Xander and Anya finishing up a dinner of take-out Chinese.
 
“Romantic dinner for two, is it?” Spike commented as they entered.
 
“Well it was nice to be able to discuss our sex life without Xander shushing me all the time,” Anya said brightly.
 
“And again with the lack of filter,” Xander said, shaking his head slightly.
 
“A little couple time is always a good thing,” Buffy said, earning a slight frown from Xander about the possible implications of ‘couple time’ when she and Spike were the couple in question.
 
“Did you find out anything more about all this?” Anya asked.
 
Spike filled them in on what he and Tara had found, along with the speculations during dinner. “So our plan now is to go patrol, then go see what we can learn by poking around Geek Central.”
 
“I guess we can check the literature some more,” Willow said without a lot of enthusiasm. “Maybe there’s something we missed.”
 
“We’ll reconvene in the morning to compare notes,” Buffy said, fixing both Xander and Willow with stern eyes. “No need to wait up.”
 
Spike worked hard to stifle a shout of approval at her completely unsubtle hint that the Scoobies should get off her back. Atta girl! “Well, I guess we’re off then,” he said. He turned and left the shop with Buffy on his heels. “You tell ‘em, Slayer,” he said when they got outside.
 
Buffy let out a deep breath. “God, I thought I was going to vamp out and kill them both this afternoon. Xander goes stomping off in a huff, Willow pulls her ‘forgive poor little me’ look – I was ready to snap!”
 
“Good thing you didn’t, love,” Spike said. “All you’d get is a nasty headache for your pains.” They walked through the streets swiftly, doing a sweep of all the main cemeteries. A few unfortunate fledges crossed their path and were dispatched without a second thought, but the night was otherwise quiet. After they left the last graveyard, Spike said, “Are we ready to pay a visit to the Three Stooges?”
 
“Definitely,” Buffy said. As they walked a thought occurred to Buffy. “What did they have to say about the chip?” She pulled out a cigarette and lit it with much improved skill as she spoke.
 
Spike chuckled. “Getting rather casual with the fags, aren’t we?” Buffy shrugged and took a deep drag, blowing a cloud of smoke his way. “Watch it, Slayer. Your lungs you’re polluting here.”
 
“True. So are you going to answer my question?”
 
Spike dug his hands into his pockets and sighed. “They said it’s a marvelous piece of engineering that is working perfectly.”
 
Buffy smoked in silence while she pondered this. “So what is wrong with me then?” she asked quietly.
 
Spike stopped. “Look at me, Buffy,” he said. She dropped the cigarette, ground it out with her toe, and slowly raised her eyes to meet his gaze. “I’ve been in your body for a few days now. There’s nothing demonic or otherwise off that I can sense. Whatever has changed has got to be so slight as to be insignificant. You’re still the Slayer, and you’re still an amazing woman.” He stepped forward and cupped her face with his hands, planting a tender kiss on her lips to emphasize his words.
 
Buffy closed her eyes and stroked his face in return. “I can just about believe those words when you say them, you know?” she said. She opened her eyes again and saw her own green irises fixed on her with a look of devotion that she hadn’t known her face was capable of.
 
“I never lie to you, pet,” Spike said softly. He kissed her again, as if he had all the time in the world, then straightened up. “Are you okay to go on?”
 
Buffy nodded, fighting back tears. What did I ever do to earn this? I just don’t get it. Firmly placing her confusion on the back burner, she straightened up and said, “Time to go nerd hunting.”
 
They threaded their way through Sunnydale until they reached Warren’s parents house. The lights were off, and no one seemed to be around. “They have a separate basement entrance around back,” Spike said in a low voice. They crept around the house, keeping their eyes open for anything unusual. “Anyone home, you think?” he murmured as they paused near the door.
 
“How should I know?” Buffy asked.
 
“Vampire senses,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Use them!”
 
“Oh yeah. Right,” she whispered. She closed her eyes and listened intently. She could hear the one heartbeat from right next to her, lots of crickets and other night noises, but that was all. “I don’t hear anyone.” They crept down the short flight of stairs to the door and tried the lock.
 
“I usually keep my lock picks in my inside right pocket,” Spike offered. Buffy fished around and came up with two thin pieces of metal. She raised an eyebrow and he shrugged. “Don’t live for a century without learning a few essential skills.”
 
“So you can pick locks, but not make a grilled cheese?” she asked, stepping aside so Spike could work at the lock.
 
“I’ve needed to get through locked doors a lot more times than I’ve needed to cook human food,” he replied. Buffy shook her head in bemusement. “Got it,” he said triumphantly in a minute or two. They slowly pushed open the door and headed down the stairs.
 
The basement was much emptier than Spike had seen it last. The action figures and computers were gone, although there was still a lot of random furniture and scattered papers. “Looks like our boys are finally moving out of mommy’s basement,” Buffy remarked.
 
Spike turned on a desk lamp. “Well, let’s see what they left behind, shall we?” The two of them hunted through the papers and other detritus, trying to find some sort of clue. “Look at this love,” Spike said, handing a list to Buffy.
 
“Electronics store… 7-11… gas station?...” Buffy read aloud. “It’s like they were planning their robberies.”
 
“Maybe we should tip the police off after we’re done,” Spike said as he continued to hunt. “Slow them down a bit perhaps.”
 
Buffy was rifling through a pile of drawings, sketches, and blueprints until she stopped and cried, “Spike! I think I’ve got it!”
 
Spike came to look over her shoulder. The drawing she held was labeled ‘Amnesia Ray’, and seemed to describe a gun-like device with two crystals – a diamond and something called a ‘devil’s eye’. Some of the markings and jottings were nearly illegible, or were in some arcane language, but the intent was clear. “So they hit us and those other poor blighters with that, trying to erase our memories. Wankers.”
 
“Come on,” Buffy said. “We should go see if the others are still at the Magic Box. Maybe they can help us figure out some of this writing.”
 
“Sounds like a plan,” Spike agreed. They turned off the light and left the house, checking to see if the coast was clear.
 
“I wonder if this thing they built has a reverse button,” Buffy wondered as they strode along.
 
“Willow’s the science girl,” Spike said. “Maybe it will make sense to her.”
 
“If it does I guess we find them and take it from them,” Buffy reasoned. “If it doesn’t, I don’t know what the hell we do.”
 
“Don’t fret, Slayer. We’ll figure it out.” They got to the Magic Box in record time, only to find it deserted. “The one night they actually listen and don’t wait around for you is the night we could actually use them. Typical,” Spike grumbled.
 
“Let’s go home,” Buffy said. “We can figure this out in the morning. I’ll survive another night as you.”
 
“I guess I’ll survive another night on the couch, then,” Spike said. The night was clear and getting chilly, and after a block or two Spike gave an involuntary shiver that Buffy noticed.
 
“You okay?” she asked.
 
“Yeah. Just forgot about how cold it can feel at night. Don’t particularly notice the cold much when you’re a vamp.”
 
Buffy looked at the figure of herself, arms wrapped around her torso and shivering, and felt bad for Spike. “Here,” she said, pulling off the duster and putting it over his shoulders. “You’re right, I guess I don’t really feel it.”
 
“Thanks, love,” Spike said, gratefully wrapping the coat around himself. “Right thoughtful of you.”
 
“I don’t like to see you suffer,” she said. “Or me suffer, in this case.”
 
Spike snickered. “I think I’m starting to get used to the human thing, and then I remember all those drawbacks. It has been so bloody long.”
 
“Anything else you miss from your human days?” Buffy wondered.
 
Spike pondered that. “Food and sunlight were the big things,” Spike said. “Not too much else that I did then that I can’t do now.”
 
A question popped up in Buffy’s mind, and she had a few minutes of mental debate with herself before she finally blurted out, “Was sex different as a human?”
 
Spike blushed red as a rose. Shit. Harder to hide the embarrassment when you’re capable of blushing. “Drusillawasmyfirst,” he muttered quickly after a mortifying pause.
 
“You’re kidding,” Buffy said in astonishment.
 
“Like I told you before, I was a completely worthless git as a human,” Spike explained. “Died a sodding virgin. Never did more than kiss a lady’s hand before Dru found me.”
 
“Wow,” Buffy said, astonished. She couldn’t believe that someone as talented as Spike was in bed got nothing at all when he was alive. “And you were, what, 25 when you died?”
 
“I was 28, actually, but thanks for the complement,” he said.
 
“It’s just… you’re, um…” Now it was Buffy’s turn to be embarrassed, despite the inability to blush. “You’re pretty good… you know…”
 
Spike laughed. “I did have more than a century to practice, you know. Would be really pathetic if I didn’t get good at it.” He looked over at Buffy, who was clearly avoiding his gaze, wondering why she had started this whole line of questioning. “I guess you must be just a natural then,” he said with a grin.
 
“What do mean?” she asked with a hint of indignation.
 
“I just mean that given your limited experience, you’re bloody amazing,” he said. “I mean, you had Angel once, that college wanker once, and then soldier boy. And they all must have been completely mad to let you go.”
 
Buffy had been preparing an angry retort, but his last sentence stopped the words on her lips. “I guess… those guys and me just weren’t meant to be,” she said lamely. She lapsed into silence as they reached Revello drive, and they entered the house as quietly as they could. Buffy listened carefully, trying to make sense of the house sounds. “Sounds like Willow’s asleep upstairs,” she said.
 
“You’re getting the way of it, my dear vampire,” Spike said with a smile.
 
“Come upstairs, I’ll get you some pajamas,” she said. In truth she was reluctant to end the evening. She was enjoying the conversation, the easy banter with no arguments, the sincere complements, the occasional kisses. What are you getting yourself into? she asked herself, but no answer bubbled up. Spike followed her into the bedroom and closed the door behind him to keep from waking Willow.
 
Buffy rummaged in the dresser while Spike removed the duster, deep in thought. Christ I hope she’ll keep trusting me when this is all over. He couldn’t bear the thought of going back to whipping boy and scapegoat after being treated like an equal, like a friend. He caught his reflection in the mirror. Magnificent specimen, my Slayer, he thought. He felt like he could stare in the mirror for hours, pretending it was really her looking at him like she wanted him.
 
Buffy turned to notice him staring at the mirror and smiled. She was about to make some crack about vanity when she realized that he was looking at her face in the mirror, with a worshipful, longing expression. Did any of the others ever look at me like that? Spike realized he was staring and shook himself, turning to her with a crooked smile. Buffy held the pajamas before her, but her tongue suddenly tied itself in knots. “I…um…” Hell with it, she declared. She dropped the pajamas and grabbed his shoulders, pulling him into a kiss and forgetting everything else. 

TBC