Chapter 10 - All's Well. (a. Talking to Tinkerbell)
Saturday, May 4th, 2002
Spike slumped, dropping his head into his hands before he ran his fingers through his hair loosening the hold of his hair-gel and allowing a few stray curls to find their way loose. He straightened up with a visible effort.
"'Bit, d'you think you could get Glinda to come out here and have a chat? I think I've really cocked things up this time and I'm goin' to be eatin' a whole lot of humble pie and I'd rather not have Red puttin' in her twopenny worth. It's goin' to be bad enough anyway. Not that she's got any room to talk."
"So you know what's happening, then?"
Spike answered Dawn's inquiry. "Haven't exactly thought it all through, 'Bit, but it looks like it's something to do with a spell I tried earlier. Should be able to figure out what went wrong between me and Glinda and come up with a way to fix it." '. or at least put Buffy back together again. Nothing's goin' t'put things right between me and her now. Should just have wished I didn't love her. That would have been easier. Saved yourself a boatload of hurt that way. but, then you'd end up dancin' the old dance with her and maybe without feelin's getting' in the way you'd end it. Would that-"
"Spike? What's happened? Dawnie said you wanted to talk to me. Do you know what's wrong with Buffy?" Tara's voice was gentle and soothing as she prodded for the information she needed.
"Yeah, me. I'm what's wrong with her. Doesn't matter what I do, I just end up hurtin' her one way or another."
Spike sighed, and Tara couldn't help but think that the only time that she had seen him look so broken was the night that Buffy died.
"I haven't worked out exactly what I did but I cast a spell and I reckon that's when "she" went walkies, so I guess it is all my fault."
"It's okay, I'm sure we can fix this, Spike. Just tell me exactly what the spell was and what happened when you cast it."
"Well, would be before your time, but you must have heard about the spell that Red did where the Watcher went blind, and me and Buffy got engaged." Spike's mind drifted off into wistful memories of that day. He should have known then he was on his way to falling in love with her. The sexual tension between the pair of them when she was feeding him had had the Watcher running for cover before the spell had even hit and when the spell ended he had felt like someone had stolen his life and given him some sort of inferior replacement.
"Spike? You mean you did a spell to have your will done. is that right?"
"Yeah, but I didn't mean to hurt her. I don't. something's wrong. I mean I knew what happened with Red, and I thought I worked out all the stuff I wished real careful and then I thought I'd ended it so that I couldn't accidentally do anything like she did, but maybe it didn't end or .I don't know."
"It's okay. We'll work it out. Let's start with the wishes you made deliberately. Just tell me what they were and then if we eliminate those we can look at the possibility that the spell's still active."
Spike looked over at Tara as if he were ashamed of himself. "You're going to hate me when I tell you. It's just I got to the end of my rope. I got to where I just couldn't bear for things to be like they are, but I guess what I did wasn't too far removed from what Red did to you. I just wasn't thinking straight enough to see it like that."
Ever gentle Tara prompted the vampire once more. "Spike, right here at this minute no-one is bothered about laying blame. All that's important right now is getting Buffy back. I know you love her. I saw what it did to you when she died. Just tell me so we can work out what to do to put it right. What was your first wish?"
"I wished that an empty bourbon bottle would fill up again, but that was sort of a practice run and I didn't really think it would work, 'cos I reckoned the way the spell was worded that there had to be some sort of passion involved. That you had to be angry or. well. you know. for anything to happen."
"So that didn't work?"
Spike shook his head. "Next thing I wished was that Buffy would make up her mind exactly what it was that she really wanted."
"Well, sweetie, I can't see any harm that that could do. I don't think that caused the problem. What else did you wish?"
"I wished that she would be honest about her feelings. I could read her like a book when it was her an' Angel, but when it comes to her and me, either I've lost the knack completely or she's lying to me or she's lying to herself. So, I wished that she'd be honest about her feelings, to herself as well as to others."
Spike looked across at Tara expecting to see disapproval but instead all he saw was compassion. "I know. If she wants to lie to me I should just let her. I'm interfering with her brain, but, the stuff she's been saying lately, well, it hurts. and if I thought she really meant it, then I'd leave." '.or dust m'self, one of the two.' Spike added silently. "But that's what every guy in her life from her father on down's done, so I need to be sure that she really wants me gone, because if she's puttin' up some sort of front. If she's tryin' to push me away, because she thinks I'll eventually leave her so she'd rather make the break now and I take her at her word and go.
Honestly, I was hoping. well, you can probably guess what I was hoping, but trying to second guess everything she says, it's killing me and I just wanted to know where I stand."
"Spike, honey, I don't know what exactly the situation is between you and Buffy at the moment and I know since Buffy came back we haven't seen each other very often but if things have been that bad you know I'd be there if you needed someone to talk to. You know I'd miss you if you left and Dawn probably wouldn't take it too well either."
"S'nice of you to say that, but well, it's not like I really get to see 'Bit any more. Buffy doesn't approve of the two of us together. The last time I can think of seein' you was the birthday party that wouldn't end and I had to get an invite from Red for that. Buffy didn't even ask. Red's already shown tonight what she thinks I'm capable of and what's worse it looks like she's right. And since it looks like Anya's back with Harris I doubt I'll be visiting her again any time soon. Never been invited to his place in all the time he's had it, so I don't see why that would change now. There's Clem, but everybody likes Clem. He doesn't need me. Leave him the crypt and the telly. He'll be fine.
It all comes down to her in the end."
'Stay or go. Live or die. Can't be a vampire, can't be a man. Only place I fit in this world is by her side. Together everything's in perfect balance. Without her. away from the Hellmouth. without the purpose that helping her gives. leave the Hellmouth and you'll be hard pushed to find a spot of non-human violence before bedtime.what reason's left to go on?
And maybe I would have talked to you before, pet, but vampires aren't allowed to spill their guts when things get to them. They're just meant to sit in their crypt like an anatomically correct Action Man in a toy box and wait till the slayer wants to play with them again.' The guilty feeling that Buffy had felt when she saw the downstairs room in his crypt was back and a hundred times worse.
"If that's really how you feel, then couldn't you talk things through without all the magic."
Spike sighed. "For one thing, she only ever hears what she wants to. For another she refuses to accept that I've changed. She accused me of a whole list of things the other day and, unless you include killing demons or cheatin' at kitten poker which isn't really cheatin' 'cos it's part of the game then the only one out of the lot of them I can remember doin' in the last year is nickin' a bit of burba weed and maybe a blood-bag or two from the hospital. Oops, nearly forgot, of course the nasty vampire nicked the bloody camper. And technically, I suppose the bike, but I prefer to call it the spoils of war.
Any time you try to get her to talk about her feelings she's off quicker than Concorde. Any time you try to tell her about your own feelings she either does something to stop you or she runs or she calls you a liar, and believe me, you don't ever want to ask her to explain something to you. .Any way I don't see that any of this is solving the zombie problem.
The last thing I wished was that she would understand how I feel about her. She keeps saying that I don't have a soul so I don't have real feelings or they're real for me whatever the hell that means, so, I wished that she would really understand."
"And that was the last wish you made?"
"Yeah, after that, did a little rhyme, invoked the elements, basically saying "That's all folks" I've got what I want, so ignore everything else I say from now on."
"And after that there's nothing you can think of that might have set anything off, if ending the spell didn't work."
"Well, no. From what I understand you have to say the thing out loud. Didn't speak to anyone from then till Clem rang, except for a few off the cuff remarks to the odd demon on patrol, but that was after dark, so."
"So, it looks like the spell decided the only way she'd really understand how you feel was if she was in there with you."
"In there with me? .you mean, she's here?" Spike held his hand up to his head, using the butt of his cigarette to point at his temple.
'Hey, look Slayer, what I was thinking before, well, that's just big thoughts. Might leave, if that's what you want, but, well, I thought about the other when Dru left and I'm still here, right, so don't you go feelin' sorry for the Big Bad. Don't want your pity. It hurts, but I'll get over it.' Spike frantically tried to cover his undead ass.
"In there and in there." Tara touched her fingertips to his forehead and then to his heart. "And possibly even checking you out for muscle cramps."
'Good job I wasn't exactly in the mood for my normal early morning wank when I got up tonight then. Bugger. Why do I keep thinking of all the stuff I don't want her to know about?' Spike started counting from one thousand down to zero in his head in an effort to prevent any more secrets coming out.
'Because that's the way it goes as soon as you know Buffy's in here. At least I'm not going to find out you slept with Giles on the hood of a police car, or I hope not. You haven't right?' Buffy cringed mentally at the image she had conjured up.
Spike maintained his countdown as he spoke to the witch. "So what do we do to reverse it? Ehm. I was . ehm, well preoccupied with other things when Willow did it." His mind filled with the memory of tender passionate kisses and Buffy's body on top of his.
"I think she just did the same sort of thing you did, but she reversed it at the same time as she ended it."
"So if I make up some bit of doggerel then that'll put her back in her body."
"It's worth giving it a try, don't you think?" Tara gave him an encouraging smile.
"Right then, here goes, pet.
The time for wishes now has passed
Undo the spell which I have cast."
Spike raised an eyebrow and tilted his head.
"So mote it be?" He gave Tara a rueful smile.
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