A/N: The song in this chapter is "In the Sun" by Joseph Arthur. And heaps and barrels of thanks to UB for being a wonderful beta!

*****

Chapter 14: The Downside of Clarity

Buffy hurried home, too confused to try to find out anymore about the Acanthia demon’s attack. Her mind was still reeling from her encounter with Spike. She couldn’t believe he’d done that spell. The things he’d made her feel, the idea of what she’d almost done – she felt violated. She’d been kissing Spike, touching him so intimately, and she’d almost… but, no, it was more than that. As much as the physical stuff disturbed her, another thought was even more frightening.

She’d been absolutely, completely in love with Spike.

She shuddered at the thought. She remembered the time Willow had done that “my will be done” spell and they’d ended up engaged. She and Spike had been in love then, too. But they’d been enemies at the time – mostly – and shared equal parts in the disgust that followed the breaking of the spell. But this – it was awful, knowing that that was how Spike felt about her all of the time, that the way she’d reacted under the spell was what he longed for from her.

Part of her understood why he’d done it, knew how hard it was to love someone who didn't love you back, how hard it was to stop loving someone. And she hadn't exactly made it easy for him.

However, the rest of her was furious – how dare he screw with her emotions like that, take away her free will? Even if it was a mistake, that didn’t excuse it. If he’d actually had sex with her… oh, he’d so be dust right now. Then, he gets mad at her, when he was the one who'd done the stupid spell in the first place?

Her stomach lurched as she remembered his last words to her. He was just… cutting her out of his life. That was maybe the worst part – losing something she hadn’t realized she wanted. She’d never asked to be the object of his unrequited love. She’d wanted to be just friends – to keep him tethered, but at a distance. But she couldn’t keep him there. He’d been her lifeline after her resurrection, the only one who understood her. He’d proved that again tonight outside Willy’s, with all that stuff he’d thrown at her, when he made her accept that “normal” wasn’t something she’d ever be – or even wanted to be.

And wasn’t that a kick in the teeth? As though proving Spike’s point, she realized that Jacob hadn’t even crossed her mind since she’d walked into Spike’s crypt. The guy her friends were already calling her boyfriend, even after just two dates. She’d almost had sex with another guy, and poor Jacob didn’t even warrant a blip on the radar.

Like it or not, Spike had been right on the money about that “needing someone to love the Slayer side, too” thing. Hadn’t she been aching to tell Jacob, to let him in? She wanted him to know about slaying and about how her friends were witches and werewolves and ex-demons. She wanted him to help her protect Dawn; she wanted to confide in him about all the things making her worry.

But she couldn’t do any of that, not without scaring him away. Either he wouldn’t believe her and she’d seem like a mental patient, or he would believe her and he’d realize what a hellhole Sunnydale was – literally – and he’d be back in Chicago before you could say “one way ticket.” As much as she wanted his love and support, Jacob was just one more person she’d have to protect. One more worry, one more fear. And being close to her only put him in more danger. If something really was after her or Dawn, it might just get to Jacob, too.

Spike was right. She was a Slayer. She needed a warrior, a champion, not a college student. Someone strong enough to make her feel safer, who fought demons by her side and protected her family and friends and…

Oh, fuck.

Spike. She had just described Spike.

And… she was back to her other source of confusion for the night – sneaky little feelings that had been creeping up on her ever since the spell broke. She hated herself for even thinking of it. She couldn’t get involved with another vampire; she just would not allow it. She’d gone down that road with Angel, and it hadn’t been pretty. He’d been the love of her life, but he’d still been a mistake. As much as they’d loved each other, he’d brought her more pain than anyone else she’d ever known, because he was a vampire and she was the Slayer, and they were never ever supposed to be together. She couldn’t do that again.

Not that it mattered, because it wasn’t her decision anymore. He kicked her out.

Tears were welling up in her eyes as she reached her front porch. This whole night had been one long series of frustration and upheaval, most of it involving Spike. He’d left her with these jumbled up feelings that she was never good at sorting out – she’d always kind of sucked at the emotional stuff. Repression, thy name is Buffy, she told herself critically.

She pushed the front door open and immediately realized that someone was in the house. She quickly sniffled and dabbed the moisture from her eyes with the pads of her thumbs to avoid smearing her eye makeup, pulling herself together. “Hello?” she called, making her way to the kitchen.

“Oh, hey, Buffy,” said Tara, sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen. She was reading a book and munching on a chocolate chip cookie – a plate of them sat on the counter. “Dawn wanted to come home. I figured you wouldn’t want her to be alone.”

“Yeah, thanks. Is she asleep?”

“I think so.” Tara closed the book, and Buffy realized it was one of Giles’ books on demon summoning and spells on controlling and forcing one’s will. Probably research to help Dawn.

“I’m sorry… we probably should have gotten Spike…”

“No!” Buffy responded, jerking involuntarily at then mention of his name. Calm down, you freak, she told herself. “I mean, you did the right thing. I ran into Spike at Willy’s anyway.” She tried to smile, but she was almost certain Tara didn’t buy it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was so late. I should have come back sooner.”

“It’s okay, I don’t mind.” Tara was always understanding and a soothing presence. Not for the first time, Buffy was thankful that her relationship with Willow had brought her into their circle. “We made cookies, if you want one.” Tara gestured to the plate.

“No,” Buffy whispered, shaking her head. A renewed flood of tears was threatening to overwhelm her, and she struggled to maintain control.

Tara noticed anyway. “Buffy? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” she replied, with a tiny smile. She wrapped her arms around herself protectively.

Tara came around the island and put an arm around Buffy. “I know you’re worried about Dawn. We’ll figure this out, I know we will. Nothing’s going to happen to her.”

Buffy sighed. Dawn. Yeah, she was worried about that, too. And it would be even harder to protect her now, since she couldn’t rely on Spike anymore. Sure, he hadn’t said he didn’t want to be around Dawn – only her – but she wasn’t about to ask, not even by proxy. She didn’t have the right. “Thanks for staying, Tara.”

“Anytime.”

Buffy glanced at her. “I’m gonna need you and Will in this.” In more ways than one, she knew. Not only to look out for Dawn – the witches were her strongest allies if Spike was out – but if magic had been involved in the demon attack, they’d be key. “You should get home. Are you all right by yourself?”

Tara nodded. “I drove.”

“Good.” Buffy saw Tara out, then she returned to the kitchen. She glanced at the cookies, but her stomach was churning too much even for chocolate. She sank down on one of the stools, folded her arms on the island, and put her head down in the crook of her elbow. Her shoulders shook with silent sobs.

*****

Buffy awoke the next day in the same position, but with a much stiffer neck. She rolled her head and shoulders, joints popping with each movement, and dragged herself upstairs to shower.

She turned the hot water up as far as it would go and stepped into the scalding stream. Her skin turned beet red, but Buffy withstood the heat, as though she could burn Spike’s touch from her body. She couldn’t erase him from her mind, though. She still felt sick when she thought about last night, but it had dulled into a constant nausea that didn’t make her feel quite so violently ill. She was just… sad.

More than anything, it was his words that tormented her, and the thought that he’d taken away more than her free will last night. He’d also shattered her illusions. She couldn’t pretend that everything was okay. She couldn’t pretend that she and Spike were just friends, and that his feelings for her were just a harmless crush. And she couldn’t pretend that things would be okay if she kept her secret double life from anyone close to her.

She got out of the shower right before her skin started to blister. Thank goodness for Slayer healing. She wrapped herself in a big towel, with a smaller one around her hair, and headed back to her bedroom, hitting the “on” button on her radio.

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

Buffy stood in front of her mirror and towel-dried her hair, sighing at her reflection. When had her life gotten like this? When had she drifted so far from normal that she couldn’t even maintain simple relationships? She remembered her words when Willow first suggested fixing her up with Jacob. I just need a lot less complicated in my life right now. So much for that idea.

Complicated. Normal. They were just words, meaningless words that gave her little comfort or understanding. Buffy flopped down on her bed, her wet hair surrounding her head, darkening her pillows with moisture. She lay on her back, staring at the ceiling, as if all the right answers would appear to her in the cracked plaster.

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep, a nightmare comes, you can't keep awake

Her mind whirled with confusion, with questions she didn’t have the answers to. All she had was this ache in her chest that told her she was foolish. She shouldn’t give up so easily. It was against her better judgment. Jacob was a great guy, everything she wanted…

No. Not everything. Not if she listened to Spike. But why was she listening to Spike? Because he’s right, a voice inside her said. Whether you admit you have feelings for him or not, you know he’s right about this. You need someone who can love the Slayer.

Maybe Jacob could, a competing voice argued. You never gave him the chance.

She rolled over and picked up the phone. She needed a second opinion. Willow? Or Tara, maybe. She was always good to talk to. Or Xander – it might be nice to have a guy’s perspective.

But none of her friends could really help. Because as much as they lived in her world and fought her battles alongside her, they didn’t know what it was really like. They didn’t understand the true burden of being a Slayer. They didn’t know what it was like to be alone, truly alone, even when surrounded by your friends. They didn’t know how it felt to dole out grim death every night, an executioner of evil, but an executioner nonetheless. They didn’t know what it meant to have to make decisions that determined whether people lived or died. They didn’t know what it was to live in constant fear that someday a smarter-than-average demon would figure out that the way to hurt her was to prey on the weakest of her friends. They didn’t know what it was like to hold everyone you love at a distance, because you know that one day, they’ll be taken away from you.

No, none of them could understand, none of them could help. She dropped the phone back in its cradle and felt terribly alone.

'Cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find you

With a sigh, Buffy got up, leaving her towel on the bed. She padded around her room on her bare feet, picking out clothes and getting dressed. She slipped on her oldest and comfiest pair of jeans. They were horribly faded, practically threadbare, and ripped at one knee, with a complementary slash on the opposite thigh where some Big Bad had gotten her with a knife. Buffy remembered her mother often begging to be allowed to throw them away, but Buffy had simply laughed and replied that she’d only just broken them in. They were looser now than they used to be, but there was nothing to be done about that. They’d already been stretched by wear and shrunk by the dryer as far as they would go. She nearly tripped herself when she accidentally stuck her foot through the hole in the knee, rather than through the pant leg, but still Buffy refused to give them up. They brought her comfort – a security blanket for the fashion-obsessed.

I don't know anymore what it's for, I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun, will you help me to understand
'Cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for any more than me

Pulling a T-shirt over her head, she sat back down on the bed and picked up the phone again. She took a deep breath before dialing.

“Hey, Jacob? It’s Buffy.”

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

With a final breath to compose herself, Buffy headed downstairs, where Dawn was in the kitchen puttering around fixing breakfast, which appeared to consist of leftover pizza and chocolate chip cookies.

“Morning,” Dawn said. She offered Buffy the cookies. “Want some?”

Buffy wrinkled her nose. “How about something vaguely healthy for a change? Do we have any cereal?”

Dawn nodded and gestured to the cabinet with her head. Buffy looked inside and pulled out a box of Cocoa Puffs. She shrugged and poured herself a bowl. That was as close as they got to healthy in this house.

“So, anything new on the demon thing?” asked Dawn.

Buffy shook her head. “Don’t worry, Dawnie. We’ll keep working on it.”

“You better. I’m all you got.”

Buffy sighed. Dawn didn’t realize how right she was. She grabbed one of the chocolate chip cookies and took a bite. “This cookie tastes funny.”

“It’s laced with arsenic.”

“Great. Saves me from having to do it myself.” She looked up to see Dawn glaring at her. “What? I was kidding.”

They stared at each other for a moment, before Dawn reached over and spontaneously gave Buffy a hug.

Buffy returned the embrace, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Hey… what was that for?”

Dawn shrugged. “You looked like you needed it.”