Sunlight peeked through the trees on Revello Drive, the glimmering rays dancing across the path that Buffy walked on. The sky was tinged with a pinkish hue as the night sky welcomed the oncoming day. Buffy usually loved this part of the day. She’d feel the cool night air being warmed by the morning light, and the eerie feeling of nighttime would dissipate into calm and security. When daylight cast away the night, she could return home and sleep peacefully knowing that the world was still turning, and she had done her job.



But this time, though she felt the sunrays warm her cheeks, it did little to warm the chill she felt inside. She knew loneliness; it was a friend of hers, even. It was why she’d gone to him in the first place, to make her feel something, or to make her feel less of something else. The calm she felt when she was with him was temporary, but it was that bit of forbidden time that kept her sane.



But then her painstakingly enforced morals would kick in, and she’d remember just what she was doing. He was everything she was against. She shouldn’t be with him. No matter how close she came to being okay. It was with those thoughts she was able to run away from him every time he tried to get close. It was those thoughts that told her just how low and dirty she’d become. She knew of their constant presence in her mind.



She just wasn’t sure whose thoughts they were anymore.



Sighing, she made the final steps to her front door, entering as quietly as possible. She made her way up the stairs, suddenly exhausted from the roller coaster the past 12 hours had been. At the top of the stairs, she came face to face with her sister’s bedroom door. A brief moment of panic came over her at the realization that she’d been gone the entire night. She knew that Willow had been with her all night, but the relationship between her best friend and her little sister had been strained at best as of late. Dawn’s trust in Willow had all but evaporated since her injury, and therefore so had Buffy’s confidence in the redhead’s ability to watch over her sister.



To make sure she was alright, Buffy stepped up to the door and, as silently as she could, turned the knob. Just as she was about to push the door open, it was yanked out of her grasp and she met the eyes of a very awake, very annoyed little sister.



“If you were gonna try to sneak in without me noticing after disappearing last night, you should really work on your stealth. I heard you clunking around when you left.” Dawn raised an eyebrow and folded her arms across her chest. “Where were you? Turning yourself in for something you didn’t do again?”



Buffy inwardly cringed and shook her head. “Dawn, you know that it would have been the right thing to do. If I’d thought there was any other way, I would have tried it.”



The younger Summers didn’t budge. “Whatever. You didn’t answer my question. Where’d you go?”



“I was…” Buffy considered lying, claiming the always buyable excuse of ‘patrolling,’ but something held her back. She and her sister were on such bad terms already, she didn’t want to make things worse by lying to Dawn when she knew her sister always saw right through her bull.



But throwing out her and Spike’s true nightly activities was a little too much for her to admit. She decided that if Dawn was to ever find out about it, she’d find out the right way.



So, she settled for saying, “I had to go see Spike. We had a… misunderstanding about what happened the other night. It ended badly, and I felt I should apologize for it.”



There. That was just the right amount of honest with just enough vague to-



“Oh my god. You’re the one who beat him up, aren’t you?” Dawn’s voice rose in volume, but lowered in tone. Buffy’s eyes widened.



“How do you even know about that?”



Dawn rolled her eyes. “Hello. Just because Spike doesn’t come to see me anymore doesn’t mean I don’t go to see him. I went to his crypt yesterday.” Dawn’s brow furrowed. “He said it was a demon, but it wasn’t… was it?” Her tone was accusing.



Buffy could only look down, too ashamed to answer. But Dawn persisted.



“You did that to him, didn’t you?” Her voice shook with unshed tears and outrage, and she laughed bitterly. “How could you? God, no wonder he never comes here anymore.”



Tears flooded Buffy’s eyes, and she looked up. “Dawn…” she began shakily. “I didn’t mean for it to go that far. He knows that. I apologized to him.”



“Oh yeah, ‘cause that makes it all better, right?” The teen bit out sarcastically.



“No, of course not, but…”



“You know what? I don’t want to listen to you anymore,” she practically shouted, effectively stopping her sister from speaking. “You keep doing this, Buffy. You keep pushing people away, and hurting them for not backing down. Pretty soon it’s gonna get so messed up that when you finally do want someone in your life, everyone will have finally given up on you.”



By now, Buffy’s tears had overflowed and fallen to her cheeks. She shook her head in disbelief at what her sister was saying, or more, that Dawn was saying it. She wanted to yell at her, tell her she had no right to say those things to her. But she knew she couldn’t, because all the things she’d said were true. She was losing everyone, one by one. What little she’d offered them was fading away. Even her own sister was starting to lose faith in her. And it was all her doing.



Buffy’s bright eyes met Dawn’s, and she slowly lifted her hand to touch her sister’s face. “I’m sorry. For everything I’ve been putting you through. I’m going through a lot right now, but you, of all people in the world, don’t deserve to suffer for it. I want to get better for you. I love you.”



At those words, Dawn’s anger melted, leaving only a knowing sadness in her blue eyes that reminded Buffy too much of the one she’d seen in Spike's earlier. Right before he’d…



“I love you, too, Buffy. You’re my sister. But I just don’t believe your words anymore. If you really want to get better, then you’re going to have to show it. I wanna be here for you, but I can’t do that if you don’t really want it.”



Buffy nodded profusely, terrified of losing her sister. “Of course. We’ll work this out, Dawnie. I’ll do better.”



Dawn covered her sister’s hand, and gave it a light squeeze before bringing it down. “When I see it.”



Buffy bit back a sob as her sister dropped her hand and disappeared into her room. She stood outside the door a minute, letting out a breath. She held back her tears, not feeling worthy to shed them anymore. How had her life become so screwed up? Well, she could answer that one in two words: resurrection spell. The real question was… how had she let herself stay like this?



She had to do something about it. It was far past time for her to get her act together and start coming back to life. If only it was as simple as making a wish. She sighed inwardly in defeat, not ready to face the world as a human being, but not ready to say she wouldn’t try. Not one or the other. In Limbo, as Spike put it.



Somewhere in her thoughts, her feet had begun moving, and she found herself in her bedroom. Staring at her bed, she was reminded of how incredibly exhausted she was. Falling onto the bed, she grabbed Mr. Gordo from among her throw pillows, holding onto him tightly, hoping vainly that her old stuffed pig would ward out the sadness and emptiness that came with being completely alone. Curling herself into a protective ball, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. The last sound she heard was the birds’ joyous chirping as daylight chased away the last traces of nighttime finally disappeared from sight, and she’d never felt darker in her life.


~*~*~*~

A/N: Thanks to Syndyloo, SpikesKatMac, louise39, time of change, Spikez_tart, DreamsofSpike, nightshift, and nmcil for reviewing the last chapter. Your support is my muse's food for inspiration :)