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A/N Many thanks to Carol and Dawnofme for their beta work :)






Chapter Eight


If At First You Don’t Succeed…



“OK, I think I’ve found something. Spike was one of the first to have been made mute by the chip. I think that it has degraded, and its connections to the brain aren’t as efficient as they should be. I don’t suppose they really planned for it to be reversed. It’s the second chip they implanted; the first being the pain chip. Who knows if damage was done when that was removed and the new one put in,” said Willow, as she walked in to the room where the others were sitting.


“So, does that mean that he’ll never be able to talk?” asked Dawn in a small voice.


“No, it means I need to go back in with the probe and do a little magic to help the technology along,” replied Willow. “Shall we do it now?”


“Yes,” said Giles. “The sooner the better. Xander, you stay here to save you fainting again. You too, Dawn.”


Dawn pulled a face but she was secretly pleased not to be going with them. Buffy, Giles and Willow went to Spike.


“Spike,” said Giles. After a moment’s hesitation Spike looked up at him. “OK, we’re going to help you to talk but we’ve got to get to the chip again. Is that all right?”


Spike nodded, glancing fearfully at the apparatus in Willow’s hands; knowing it would hurt but desperate to be able to speak again.


“It’s OK. We’ll make you sleep so you won’t feel it,” reassured Giles.


A quick spell from Willow and Spike was asleep. Once he was in position, she carefully inserted the probe, pushed a few buttons on the computer and chanted another spell. The probe glowed brightly for about ten seconds and when it faded, she withdrew it.


“That’s it. If that doesn’t work I don’t know what will, because that’s all I’ve got,” said Willow. “He’ll sleep for another couple of hours at least. I’m not going to reverse the spell. I want to give his brain a bit of time with just his subconscious working - it might help him sort it out.”


They made sure Spike was comfortable and left the vampire sleeping peacefully, or so they thought.


Oooooo


Spike started to writhe on the bed, images racing through his dreams.


“I’m Spike!” he shouted defiantly, then screamed as pain ripped through his head causing him to collapse to his knees. Each time he kept getting up, yelling his name until finally he whispered, “I’m Number Seventeen,” as he lay almost unconscious on the floor. After that he never spoke to them again. He talked to himself at night, when there was no one to hear, keeping his memories alive by saying them aloud. But then one day he was drugged, and when he woke up his head hurt so badly that he couldn’t move for hours afterwards. Voices filtered down to him almost as if he were underwater, strangely muted through the clouds of pain.


“That’ll fix him. Let's see how he likes the new chip,” someone sneered.


He cringed at the thought. The pain inflicted by the chip he had already had was so intense, he didn’t think he could survive anything worse. That night, as the pain lessened, he tried to talk through his memories, needing them to remind him who he was. Nothing happened. It was like he’d never known how to speak. He realised what the voice had meant when it had said it would fix him.


“No.” The word was barely a whisper. Spike awoke with a start, taking rapid unnecessary breaths in his panic. He looked around, realising he wasn’t in his cell. He was still in the room he’d been brought to; he was still safe. He lay back down, his head awash with pain, as it always was when the chip had been accessed.


Oooooo


Sometime later, Giles came down the stairs, Xander a few paces behind, with more blood. He sat on the stool near Spike’s bed, facing the vampire.


“Hello Spike, are you feeling all right?” Giles asked.


Spike nodded slightly, narrowing his eyes a little as his head protested at the movement. He looked at the blood hungrily.


“I want you to try to talk to me, Spike. We’ve made it so you should be able to now. Is that all right?”


Another nod.


“Can you say ‘yes’ for me?” pressed Giles gently.


Spike looked worried for a moment. He thought the word ‘yes’, then opened his mouth.


“Yes.” The word was almost inaudible but he’d done it.


“Fantastic, Spike. Well done. Do you remember my name?”


Again, a little concentration, then, “Giles.” His voice was hoarse and low.


“You’re going to be OK, Spike,” said Giles, handing Spike his blood and going upstairs with Xander.


Spike nodded as he took it and gave Giles a little ghost of a smile.


Ooooooo


Giles and Xander went back upstairs.


“It worked, Willow. Well done,” said Giles, as soon as he saw her.


Everyone was delighted. Once they’d calmed down a little, Giles spoke again.


“We’re going to have to be very careful regarding Spike for quite a while. We can’t push him too hard at first. I’ll work with him and try to help him find his way back.”


An hour or so later, Giles went back down to Spike, this time alone since Spike hadn’t even ventured from the bed after being unchained. He figured he’d be safe. He carried down a mug of hot liquid, the steam rising gently as he walked down the steps. He sat on the stool again, making a note to himself to bring down something that was a little more comfortable to sit on if he had to do this again.


“Here, Spike. Drink this,” he said, holding out the mug.


Spike looked at it suspiciously, then took it and sniffed at it.


“It’s OK. It’s just honey and lemon. It’ll soothe your vocal chords. They’ll feel pretty sore after not being used for so long.”


Spike took a tentative sip, enjoying the taste and relaxed, drinking it slowly.


“Are you up to talking, Spike?”


“I…er…I think so,” he replied, his voice still sounding hoarse and lower than Giles remembered.


“You don’t remember any of us, do you?”


Spike shook his head.


“Do you remember when you were born?” asked Giles.


“Four hundred and six days ago,” said Spike automatically.


“What?” said Giles. “Why did you say that?”


Spike looked at Giles in confusion. “Is he trying to catch me out?”


“You asked when I was born,” he croaked. “I told you.”


“Oh!” said Giles, suddenly doing the math. “That’s how long you’ve been in The Initiative. Do you remember anything before then?”


“Not really. I tried to but…I couldn’t,” said Spike, hanging his head. “They said nothing that happened before that mattered; was no good to me, and it wasn’t. It’s gone.”


“Hey, Spike, it’s OK. They’ve messed with you so much - it’s not your fault,” soothed Giles, his heart going out to the broken vampire before him.


Spike just shrugged his shoulders but didn’t lift his head.


“I don’t know who I am. I know what I am. A worthless demon, not fit to exist,” he whispered. “I don’t know what to do unless I’m told to do it. I’m scared.”


“Scared of what?” asked Giles.


“Everything.” said Spike. “All the time.”


“You don’t need to be afraid anymore, Spike. We’ll help you.”


“Been told this before,” said Spike, finally raising his eyes to meet Giles’. “But they lied. Why should you be any different?”


Giles was taken aback, “Um…well…we haven’t hurt you.”


“Yet,” said Spike.


“I don’t know what I can say to make you trust me, Spike. It’s different here. All I can say is you don’t need permission to eat, or do, or say anything, and you won’t be punished.”


“Leave,” said Spike.


“Sorry?”


“Do I need permission to leave?” asked Spike.


“Um…” said Giles.


“Not so different then,” said Spike baldly.


“We’re trying to help you, Spike. I don’t think you’d be safe out there on your own right now.”


“Why did you take me? Why am I here?”


“I told you, it’s because we’re your friends. You fought by our sides. We had to get you out of there and bring you home,” said Giles, trying to get through Spike’s understandable paranoia.


Home. The word again hit him in his non-beating heart.


“Am I really home?” asked Spike, his voice cracking.


“Yes,” said Giles. “You did have your own place, a crypt, but you were here a lot looking after Dawn.”


“Dawn?”


“One of your friends. There are five of us upstairs. Do you want to meet us all? It may help unlock some memories for you,” asked Giles.


“Er…OK,” said Spike, trying to focus on the fact that this was ‘home’ and not The Initiative, where more than three people near him at one time indicated that something was going to happen - be it fight or some other test, either of which meant pain.


Giles went upstairs to get the others. Spike stood up and fidgeted with his hands, then stopped himself – not allowed – then started again. According to Giles the rules didn’t matter anymore. God, his brain hurt with the effort of it all. He wearily rubbed a hand over his face. When he put it down five people were standing in front of him. He’d been so immersed in his thoughts that he hadn’t heard them arrive.


He gave out a startled yelp, taking an involuntary step back, hitting the bed and sitting down with a crash that had the bedsprings singing. He stood back up quickly in panic.


They were all looking at him, smiling, then there was a snort from one of the girls, followed by a fit of giggles and soon all five were laughing hysterically. It had been so long since Spike had heard proper laughter, he just stood staring back at them in amazement.


“Sorry Spike,” gasped Giles. “It did just look so funny, you falling down like that.”


“Er…yeah…well…” stuttered Spike, not knowing how to answer.


The rest of them managed to curb their giggles, that were as much a result of nerves at meeting Spike, as of his bouncing down on the bed.


“Right then, Spike. You know me so I’ll let the others introduce themselves,” said Giles. He nodded to Willow.


“Hi, Spike. I’m Willow, er...I’m the one that managed to reverse what they did to you. You once tried to bite me but the...er...chip...stopped you, then you’ve sort of helped us out ever since.


She spoke so quickly, Spike could hardly understand what she said.


“I’m Dawn; Buffy’s sister,” she said, pointing at the slayer. “You looked after me a lot when Buffy di…er went away.”


Spike looked at the dark haired girl standing in front of him. He felt a sharp stab of pain in his head not like when the chip fired, but enough to make him bring his hand up to his head and lean forward a little.


“Niblet,” he whispered.


“That’s right! That’s what you call me,” cried Dawn, her face splitting in to a wide smile.


If this was ‘Niblet’, he really was ‘home ’. That was part of what he’d tried to keep. He looked Dawn in the eye and smiled at her, fragments of memories surfacing.


“It’s real,” said Spike, “I am home; it’s over.” With a soft sigh he sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. “Oh, God.” He started to shake.


“Yes, you’re home now, Spike,” said Buffy, sitting next to him on the bed. She touched his arm, and he lifted his head from his hands and looked at her his eyes glistening with tears. “I’m Buffy,” she added quietly, leaning forward and kissing his cheek. He looked at her, eyes widening in surprise, and touched his cheek. The tears glistening in his eyes overflowed and fell down his cheeks.


Xander started to fidget. Spike looked up at him, wiping his tears with the heels of his hands.


“I’m Xander, and for the record, I’m not really your friend but you looked after Dawnie and Buffy obviously is…er…your friend and she’s my friend, so that’s it.”


“Huh?” said Spike.


“Look; I don’t like you, but I won’t hurt you OK?”


“OK,” said Spike. Looking at the others he added, “Is he always this friendly?”


Everyone chuckled, even Spike, though it sounded a little strange.


“Shall we go upstairs? It’s a bit comfier than down here,” suggested Giles.


They all went towards the steps, Spike walking a little behind them. It was all feeling a bit surreal to him. Buffy took his hand.


“Come on.” She smiled at him, and he let her lead him upstairs.


They settled in the lounge with Spike, Buffy, and Dawn on the sofa and the other three in the armchairs. They sat there, just making small talk, all feeling very awkward with Spike not contributing to the conversation.


Then Dawn leapt up and rushed to the kitchen. She emerged moments later holding a mug in one hand, the other hidden behind her back.



“Here,” she said, presenting the mug to Spike. He took it from her and had a little taste.


“Don’t suppose you’ve got any of those mini marshmallows?” he said without thinking.


Dawn laughed and brought out the hand from behind her, and held it out to Spike. She opened it and in her palm were the marshmallows. She dropped them in to his mug of hot chocolate.


“That’s another conditioned reflex,” said Giles, regretting the words as soon as they left his mouth.


“It’s a better one than most,” said Spike, in to the silence that followed, as they were all once again thinking about what Spike had been through.


“We’ve got to shut that place down,” said Buffy adamantly.


“The question is how?” said Giles. “Spike, if you’re up to it tomorrow, we’ll have to get you to tell us all you know about The Initiative.”


Spike tensed and his hand shook spilling some of his hot chocolate.



“Er…yeah.” he said, “Um…is it…er...I mean...can I go back to my cell...room, it’s just...”


“Of course you can.,” said Giles, as Spike’s words trailed off.


“Thanks,” said Spike. “Sorry.” He left the room, Buffy following him. He made his way to his bed and sat on it, his back leaning against the wall, with legs drawn up. Buffy sat down next to him.


“Spike?”


“Mm.”


“It’ll be OK; you’ll be OK. I know you don’t remember me, or any of us, very well but you and me, well we were together before …and I’m just so glad to have you back…”


“Together?” said Spike, tilting his head on one side as he looked at her.


“Yes.”


She reached out with her hand and took hold of his chin, pulling him towards her. She kissed him on the mouth, tongue seeking his. He responded by kissing her back ardently and pulling her into his arms. The springs of the bed protested loudly as they lay down together.


Buffy was breathlessly opening his jeans when his hand stopped her.


“I can’t,” he whispered.


“Can’t?” said Buffy, “My God, did they...”


“No.” He cut off her words. “Not can’t then, won’t, OK?” said Spike as he sat up.


“But, why not? You seemed like you were enjoying it, and it might help you remember me. What’s wrong?”


“It’s just…when I told Giles I didn’t remember anything before I was in The Initiative…I wasn’t completely honest. I remembered one thing.” He paused. “You.”


“You remembered me? But you didn’t seem to recognise me?”


“I didn’t.”


Buffy sat up, “What do you mean? You’re not making any sense.”


“I remember being dumped, getting pissed and getting caught. I didn’t remember who. After a while, like everything else, that got disappeared, but for the first couple of months I was in there, they used that everyday. I was sure you’d come to help me. But you never did.”


‘No one misses you. It’s like you were never born. Worthless. Such a mess couldn’t even stand up. Pathetic.’


“They said that everyday. I walked in there, you know? They didn’t trap me or stun me like the first time. Nope, I walked down with the two soldiers who found me, like they were my buddies. All they had to do was promise me more liquor and let me whine about you.”


“I’m so sorry, Spike. It’s all my fault; everything that’s happened to you.”


“No, it isn’t your fault. It’s my own. Like they said, I was pathetic, but why are you here with me now if you dumped me four hundred and six days ago? I don’t want your sympathy because you’re feeling bloody guilty.”


He stood up and walked restlessly across the room.


“Spike, no, it’s not like that. It was a mistake. I was afraid to tell my friends. I went to find you the next day but you’d gone, and no one knew where. I love you Spike; I truly love you.”


She walked over to him and put her arms around him.


“I love you, Spike. I’ve missed you so much.”


He kissed her. His body responded to her even if his mind was still unsure. His returning memories were still disjointed, but she was stirring up more than just memories.


“That’s all right then,” he said with a bit of a grin that was the nearest he’d come to pre-Initiative Spike so far. He was a vampire after all, unable to resist his urges, and it had been a long time.


Later, they were in each other’s arms, talking.


“One thing I still don’t understand…look, I know you got me out and that you, uh, seem to, um, well like me quite a bit.”


He grunted as she elbowed him in his ribs.


“Love you, you dope.”


“Yeah, well, anyway, what I don’t get is that you’ve been in The Initiative a lot. I’ve heard you in there and you watched with The Professor as she tested my right- handed weapon skills. Why are you a part of it?”


“I’m not. It’s just when we found out about the place, we thought we’d discover more by getting in and cooperating than by avoiding it. The day I saw you in there, I couldn’t believe it. I’d tried to see if there’d been any new captures when you disappeared, but the ones I saw never included you. I hadn’t been allowed in to the section where you were held until the day I saw you,” said Buffy.


“So you did try to find me?” asked Spike quietly.


“I’ve already told you I did. When you went away, I thought you’d left because of me, that I’d hurt you so badly you didn’t want to stay around. I thought I’d missed my chance to be with you. So yes, I did try. I never really stopped trying.”


“Sorry, Buffy. It’s just my head is so messed up. This feels right,” he said, pointing at himself then at her. “But it’s so hard to tell what’s real and what isn’t; what’s me and what’s them.”


He went and sat back down on the bed. Buffy held him in her arms and he fell asleep. She slipped back upstairs and let him rest; he’d had quite a day.


To be continued……..